How To Leverage Attachment Theory In Your Relationship

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How To Leverage Attachment Theory In Your Relationship

Attachment theory has come to be seen in “kids nowadays”’ TikTok circles as almost a sort of astrology, but that’s not what it was intended for, and there’s really nothing esoteric about it.

What it can be, is a (fairly simple, but) powerful tool to understand about our relationships with each other.

To demystify it, let’s start with a little history…

Attachment theory was conceived by developmental psychologist Mary Ainsworth, and popularized as a theory bypsychiatrist John Bowlby. The two would later become research partners.

  • Dr. Ainsworth’s initial work focused on children having different attachment styles when it came to their caregivers: secure, avoidant, or anxious.
  • Later, she would add a fourth attachment style: disorganized, and then subdivisions, such as anxious-avoidant and dismissive-avoidant.
  • Much later, the theory would be extended to attachments in (and between) adults.

What does it all mean?

To understand this, we must first talk about “The Strange Situation”.

“The Strange Situation” was an experiment conducted by Dr. Ainsworth, in which a child would be observed playing, while caregivers and strangers would periodically arrive and leave, recreating a natural environment of most children’s lives. Each child’s different reactions were recorded, especially noting:

  • The child’s reaction (if any) to their caregiver’s departure
  • The child’s reaction (if any) to the stranger’s presence
  • The child’s reaction (if any) to their caregiver’s return
  • The child’s behavior on play, specifically, how much or little the child explored and played with new toys

She observed different attachment styles, including:

  1. Secure: a securely attached child would play freely, using the caregiver as a secure base from which to explore. Will engage with the stranger when the caregiver is also present. May become upset when the caregiver leaves, and happy when they return.
  2. Avoidant: an avoidantly attached child will not explore much regardless of who is there; will not care much when the caregiver departs or returns.
  3. Anxious: an anxiously attached child may be clingy before separation, helplessly passive when the caregiver is absent, and difficult to comfort upon the caregiver’s return.
  4. Disorganized: a disorganizedly attached child may flit between the above types

These attachment styles were generally reflective of the parenting styles of the respective caregivers:

  1. If a caregiver was reliably present (physically and emotionally), the child would learn to expect that and feel secure about it.
  2. If a caregiver was absent a lot (physically and/or emotionally), the child would learn to give up on expecting a caregiver to give care.
  3. If a caregiver was unpredictable a lot in presence (physical and/or emotional), the child would become anxious and/or confused about whether the caregiver would give care.

What does this mean for us as adults?

As we learn when we are children, tends to go for us in life. We can change, but we usually don’t. And while we (usually) no longer rely on caregivers per se as adults, we do rely (or not!) on our partners, friends, and so forth. Let’s look at it in terms of partners:

  1. A securely attached adult will trust that their partner loves them and will be there for them if necessary. They may miss their partner when absent, but won’t be anxious about it and will look forward to their return.
  2. An avoidantly attached adult will not assume their partner’s love, and will feel their partner might let them down at any time. To protect themself, they may try to manage their own expectations, and strive always to keep their independence, to make sure that if the worst happens, they’ll still be ok by themself.
  3. An anxiously attached adult will tend towards clinginess, and try to keep their partner’s attention and commitment by any means necessary.

Which means…

  • When both partners have secure attachment styles, most things go swimmingly, and indeed, securely attached partners most often end up with each other.
  • A very common pairing, however, is one anxious partner dating one avoidant partner. This happens because the avoidant partner looks like a tower of strength, which the anxious partner needs. The anxious partner’s clinginess can also help the avoidant partner feel better about themself (bearing in mind, the avoidant partner almost certainly grew up feeling deeply unwanted).
  • Anxious-anxious pairings happen less because anxiously attached people don’t tend to be attracted to people who are in the same boat.
  • Avoidant-avoidant pairings happen least of all, because avoidantly attached people having nothing to bind them together. Iff they even get together in the first place, then later when trouble hits, one will propose breaking up, and the other will say “ok, bye”.

This is fascinating, but is there a practical use for this knowledge?

Yes! Understanding our own attachment styles, and those around us, helps us understand why we/they act a certain way, and realize what relational need is or isn’t being met, and react accordingly.

That sometimes, an anxiously attached person just needs some reassurance:

  • “I love you”
  • “I miss you”
  • “I look forward to seeing you later”

That sometimes, an avoidantly attached person needs exactly the right amount of space:

  • Give them too little space, and they will feel their independence slipping, and yearn to break free
  • Give them too much space, and oops, they’re gone now

Maybe you’re reading that and thinking “won’t that make their anxious partner anxious?” and yes, yes it will. That’s why the avoidant partner needs to skip back up and remember to do the reassurance.

It helps also when either partner is going to be away (physically or emotionally! This counts the same for if a partner will just be preoccupied for a while), that they parameter that, for example:

  • Not: “Don’t worry, I just need some space for now, that’s all” (à la “I am just going outside and may be some time“)
  • But: “I need to be undisturbed for a bit, but let’s schedule some me-and-you-time for [specific scheduled time]”.

Want to learn more about addressing attachment issues?

Psychology Today: Ten Ways to Heal Your Attachment Issues

You also might enjoy such articles such as:

Lastly, to end on a light note…

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  • Knee Cracking & Popping: Should You Be Worried?

    10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.

    Dr. Tom Walters (Doctor of Physical Therapy) explains about what’s going on behind our musical knees, and whether or not this synovial symphony is cause for concern.

    When to worry (and when not to)

    If the clicking/cracking/popping/etc does not come with pain, then it is probably being caused by the harmless movement of fluid within the joints, in this case specifically the patellofemoral joint, just behind the kneecap.

    As Dr. Walters says:

    ❝It is extremely important that people understand that noises from the knee are usually not associated with pathology and may actually be a sign of a healthy, well-lubricated joint. let’s be careful not to make people feel bad about their knee noise as it can negatively influence how they view their body!❞

    On the other hand, there is also such a thing as patellofemoral joint pain syndrome (PFPS), which is very common, and involves pain behind the kneecap, especially upon over-stressing the knee(s).

    In such cases, it is good to get that checked out by a doctor/physiotherapist.

    Dr. Walters advises us to gradually build up strength, and not try for too much too quickly. He also advises us to take care to strengthen our glutes in particular, so our knees have adequate support. Gentle stretching of the quadriceps and soft tissue mobilization with a foam roller, are also recommended, to reduce tension on the kneecap.

    For more on these things and especially about the exercises, enjoy:

    Click Here If The Embedded Video Doesn’t Load Automatically!

    Want to learn more?

    You might like to read:

    How To Really Take Care Of Your Joints

    Take care!

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  • Valentine’s Day & Your Heart

    10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.

    We’re not talking metaphorically; this is about your “beating wet pumpy thing” as a friend of this writer once put it!

    Heart to heart

    A dietician calls for us to take care of our hearts this Valentine’s Day, with ideas such as:

    • Teamwork makes the dream work: support your partner’s health objectives by choosing gifts or activities that align with their goals, such as opting for new running shoes instead of candy if they aim to exercise more.
    • Split up… Dinner: instead of consuming large portions individually, consider sharing a decadent meal to reduce metabolic load while still enjoying the experience together.
    • A moving experience: plan active dates like hiking, dancing, or taking a walk, which promote both bonding and cardiovascular health. And if you can think of other perhaps “vigorous activities” you might enjoy doing together on Valentine’s Day, then that’s great for your heart too!
    • Be aware of mutual health influences: recognize that partners can impact each other’s health behaviors and risks; making healthy choices together can strengthen both the relationship and individual well-being.
    • No date, no problem: if you’re single this Valentine’s Day, consider connecting with friends, of if that’s not for you, perhaps treating yourself to a “self-care day” at home.

    Read in full: Celebrate Valentine’s Day with actual hearts in mind, says dietitian

    Related: Only One Kind Of Relationship Promotes Longevity This Much!

    Playing the hand you’re dealt

    We can make many choices in life that affect our health one way or the other, but there are some things we can’t control, and that includes a family history of some disease or other. In the case of a family history of heart conditions, all is not lost, and you can still play the odds:

    • Diet: rich in fiber, especially fresh fruits and vegetables, legumes, and whole grains. Go easy on sugary, salty, and/or processed foods. Yes, sugary too! Sugary foods can increase blood pressure in the same way that salt does, by forcing the same homeostatic response.
    • Exercise: prioritize movement, as in those “active minutes” that your smartwatch tracks. That famous “150 minutes per week” is great; more is better.
    • Sleep: get up regularly around the same time each morning, preferably early. You should get to the point whereby you wake up shortly before the time your alarm would go off, each morning.
    • Avoid: smoking and alcohol. They are both terrible for heart health.
    • Teamwork: work with healthcare professionals to manage your heart health; a personalized plan is best, and they are there to help.

    Remember, genes predispose; they don’t predetermine:

    Read in full: Expert explains how to improve heart health, even if your family has history of heart conditions

    Related: The Whole Heart Solution: Halt Heart Disease Now With the Best Alternatives and Traditional Medicine

    Not so sweet?

    Chocolate is famously high in antioxidants, but that must be weighed against other factors, if for example you’re eating a product that, when all’s said and done and the ingredients list is read, is mostly sugar.

    That can be avoided, though! If you do like chocolate, we recommend getting dark chocolate with a high percentage of cocoa; 90% is great if you can find it!

    Even so, the saturated fat content means you still might want to make it a moment for intentional “mindful eating” of a square or two, before setting it aside for another day:

    Read in full: Valentine’s Day and chocolate are a perfect match, but is it a healthy relationship?

    Related: 10 “Healthy” Foods That Are Often Worse Than You Think

    Take care!

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  • Alpha, beta, theta: what are brain states and brain waves? And can we control them?

    10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.

    There’s no shortage of apps and technology that claim to shift the brain into a “theta” state – said to help with relaxation, inward focus and sleep.

    But what exactly does it mean to change one’s “mental state”? And is that even possible? For now, the evidence remains murky. But our understanding of the brain is growing exponentially as our methods of investigation improve.

    Brain-measuring tech is evolving

    Currently, no single approach to imaging or measuring brain activity gives us the whole picture. What we “see” in the brain depends on which tool we use to “look”. There are myriad ways to do this, but each one comes with trade-offs.

    We learnt a lot about brain activity in the 1980s thanks to the advent of magnetic resonance imaging (MRI).

    Eventually we invented “functional MRI”, which allows us to link brain activity with certain functions or behaviours in real time by measuring the brain’s use of oxygenated blood during a task.

    We can also measure electrical activity using EEG (electroencephalography). This can accurately measure the timing of brain waves as they occur, but isn’t very accurate at identifying which specific areas of the brain they occur in.

    Alternatively, we can measure the brain’s response to magnetic stimulation. This is very accurate in terms of area and timing, but only as long as it’s close to the surface.

    What are brain states?

    All of our simple and complex behaviours, as well as our cognition (thoughts) have a foundation in brain activity, or “neural activity”. Neurons – the brain’s nerve cells – communicate by a sequence of electrical impulses and chemical signals called “neurotransmitters”.

    Neurons are very greedy for fuel from the blood and require a lot of support from companion cells. Hence, a lot of measurement of the site, amount and timing of brain activity is done via measuring electrical activity, neurotransmitter levels or blood flow.

    We can consider this activity at three levels. The first is a single-cell level, wherein individual neurons communicate. But measurement at this level is difficult (laboratory-based) and provides a limited picture.

    As such, we rely more on measurements done on a network level, where a series of neurons or networks are activated. Or, we measure whole-of-brain activity patterns which can incorporate one or more so-called “brain states”.

    According to a recent definition, brain states are “recurring activity patterns distributed across the brain that emerge from physiological or cognitive processes”. These states are functionally relevant, which means they are related to behaviour.

    Brain states involve the synchronisation of different brain regions, something that’s been most readily observed in animal models, usually rodents. Only now are we starting to see some evidence in human studies.

    Various kinds of states

    The most commonly-studied brain states in both rodents and humans are states of “arousal” and “resting”. You can picture these as various levels of alertness.

    Studies show environmental factors and activity influence our brain states. Activities or environments with high cognitive demands drive “attentional” brain states (so-called task-induced brain states) with increased connectivity. Examples of task-induced brain states include complex behaviours such as reward anticipation, mood, hunger and so on.

    In contrast, a brain state such as “mind-wandering” seems to be divorced from one’s environment and tasks. Dropping into daydreaming is, by definition, without connection to the real world.

    We can’t currently disentangle multiple “states” that exist in the brain at any given time and place. As mentioned earlier, this is because of the trade-offs that come with recording spatial (brain region) versus temporal (timing) brain activity.

    Brain states vs brain waves

    Brain state work can be couched in terms such as alpha, delta and so forth. However, this is actually referring to brain waves which specifically come from measuring brain activity using EEG.

    EEG picks up on changing electrical activity in the brain, which can be sorted into different frequencies (based on wavelength). Classically, these frequencies have had specific associations:

    • gamma is linked with states or tasks that require more focused concentration
    • beta is linked with higher anxiety and more active states, with attention often directed externally
    • alpha is linked with being very relaxed, and passive attention (such as listening quietly but not engaging)
    • theta is linked with deep relaxation and inward focus
    • and delta is linked with deep sleep.

    Brain wave patterns are used a lot to monitor sleep stages. When we fall asleep we go from drowsy, light attention that’s easily roused (alpha), to being relaxed and no longer alert (theta), to being deeply asleep (delta).

    Can we control our brain states?

    The question on many people’s minds is: can we judiciously and intentionally influence our brain states?

    For now, it’s likely too simplistic to suggest we can do this, as the actual mechanisms that influence brain states remain hard to detangle. Nonetheless, researchers are investigating everything from the use of drugs, to environmental cues, to practising mindfulness, meditation and sensory manipulation.

    Controversially, brain wave patterns are used in something called “neurofeedback” therapy. In these treatments, people are given feedback (such as visual or auditory) based on their brain wave activity and are then tasked with trying to maintain or change it. To stay in a required state they may be encouraged to control their thoughts, relax, or breathe in certain ways.

    The applications of this work are predominantly around mental health, including for individuals who have experienced trauma, or who have difficulty self-regulating – which may manifest as poor attention or emotional turbulence.

    However, although these techniques have intuitive appeal, they don’t account for the issue of multiple brain states being present at any given time. Overall, clinical studies have been largely inconclusive, and proponents of neurofeedback therapy remain frustrated by a lack of orthodox support.

    Other forms of neurofeedback are delivered by MRI-generated data. Participants engaging in mental tasks are given signals based on their neural activity, which they use to try and “up-regulate” (activate) regions of the brain involved in positive emotions. This could, for instance, be useful for helping people with depression.

    Another potential method claimed to purportedly change brain states involves different sensory inputs. Binaural beats are perhaps the most popular example, wherein two different wavelengths of sound are played in each ear. But the evidence for such techniques is similarly mixed.

    Treatments such as neurofeedback therapy are often very costly, and their success likely relies as much on the therapeutic relationship than the actual therapy.

    On the bright side, there’s no evidence these treatment do any harm – other than potentially delaying treatments which have been proven to be beneficial.The Conversation

    Susan Hillier, Professor: Neuroscience and Rehabilitation, University of South Australia

    This article is republished from The Conversation under a Creative Commons license. Read the original article.

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  • Food for Thought – by Lorraine Perretta

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    What are “brain foods”? If you think for a moment, you can probably list a few. What this book does is better.

    As well as providing the promised 50 recipes (which themselves are varied, good, and easy), Perretta explains the science of very many brain-healthy ingredients. Not just that, but also the science of a lot of brain-unhealthy ingredients. In the latter case, probably things you already knew to stay away from, but still, it’s a good reminder of one more reason why.

    Nor does she merely sort things into brain-healthy (or brain-unhealthy, or brain-neutral), but rather she gives lists of “this for memory” and “this against depression” and “this for cognition” and “this against stress” and so forth.

    Perhaps the greatest value of this book is in that; her clear explanations with science that’s simplified but not dumbed down. The recipes are definitely great too, though!

    Bottom line: if you’d like to eat more for brain health, this book will give you many ways of doing so

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  • Should We Skip Shampoo?

    10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.

    It’s Q&A Day at 10almonds!

    Have a question or a request? We love to hear from you!

    In cases where we’ve already covered something, we might link to what we wrote before, but will always be happy to revisit any of our topics again in the future too—there’s always more to say!

    As ever: if the question/request can be answered briefly, we’ll do it here in our Q&A Thursday edition. If not, we’ll make a main feature of it shortly afterwards!

    So, no question/request too big or small 😎

    ❝What’s the science on “no poo”? Is it really better for hair? There are so many mixed reports out there.❞

    First, for any unfamiliar: this is not about constipation; rather, it is about skipping shampoo, and either:

    • Using an alternative cleaning agent, such as vinegar and/or sodium bicarbonate
    • Using nothing at all, just conditioner when wet and brushing when dry

    Let’s examine why the trend became a thing: the thinking went “shampoo does not exist in nature, and most of our body is more or less self-cleaning; shampoos remove oils from hair, and the body has to produce more sebum to compensate, resulting in a rapid cycle of dry and greasy hair”.

    Now let’s fact-check each of those:

    • shampoo does not exist in nature: true (except in the sense that everything that exists can be argued to exist in nature, since nature encompasses everything—but the point is that shampoo is a purely artificial human invention)
    • most of our body is more or less self-cleaning: true, but our hair is not, for the same reason our nails are not: they’re not really a living part of the overall organism that is our body, so much as a keratinous protrusion of neatly stacked and hardened dead cells from our body. Dead things are not self-cleaning.
    • shampoos remove oils from hair: true; that is what they were invented for and they do it well
    • the body has to produce more sebum to compensate, resulting in a rapid cycle of dry and greasy hair: false; or at least, there is no evidence for this.

    Our hair’s natural oils are great at protecting it, and also great at getting dirt stuck in it. For the former reason we want the oil there; for the latter reason, we don’t.

    So the trick becomes: how to remove the oil (and thus the dirt stuck in it) and then put clean oil back (but not too much, because we don’t want it greasy, just, shiny and not dry)?

    The popular answer is: shampoo to clean the hair, conditioner to put an appropriate amount of oil* back.

    *these days, mostly not actually oil, but rather silicon-based substitutes, that do the same job of protecting hair and keeping it shiny and not brittle, without attracting so much dirt. Remember also that silicon is inert and very body safe; its molecules are simply too large to be absorbed, which is why it gets used in hair products, some skin products, and lube.

    See also: Water-based Lubricant vs Silicon-based Lubricant – Which is Healthier?

    If you go “no poo”, then what will happen is either you dry your hair out much worse by using vinegar or (even worse) bicarbonate of soda, or you just have oil (and any dirt stuck in it) in your hair for the life of the hair. As in, each individual strand of hair has a lifespan, and when it falls out, the dirt will go with it. But until that day, it’s staying with you, oil and dirt and all.

    If you use a conditioner after using those “more natural” harsh cleaners* that aren’t shampoo, then you’ll undo a lot of the damage done, and you’ll probably be fine.

    *in fact, if you’re going to skip shampoo, then instead of vinegar or bicarbonate of soda, dish soap from your kitchen may actually do less damage, because at least it’s pH-balanced. However, please don’t use that either.

    If you’re going to err one way or the other with regard to pH though, erring on the side of slightly acidic is much better than slightly alkaline.

    More on pH: Journal of Trichology | The Shampoo pH can Affect the Hair: Myth or Reality?

    If you use nothing, then brushing a lot will mitigate some of the accumulation of dirt, but honestly, it’s never going to be clean until you clean it.

    Our recommendation

    When your hair seems dirty, and not before, wash it with a simple shampoo (most have far too many unnecessary ingredients; it just needs a simple detergent, and the rest is basically for marketing; to make it foam completely unnecessarily but people like foam, to make it thicker so it feels more substantial, to make it smell nice, to make it a color that gives us confidence it has ingredients in it, etc).

    Then, after rinsing, enjoy a nice conditioner. Again there are usually a lot of unnecessary ingredients, but an argument can be made this time for some being more relevant as unlike with the shampoo, many ingredients are going to remain on your hair after rinsing.

    Between washes, if you have long hair, consider putting some hair-friendly oil (such as argan oil or coconut oil) on the tips daily, to avoid split ends.

    And if you have tight curly hair, then this advice goes double for you, because it takes a lot longer for natural oils to get from your scalp to the ends of your hair. For those of us with straight hair, it pretty much zips straight on down there within a day or two; not so if you have beautiful 4C curls to take care of!

    For more on taking care of hair gently, check out:

    Gentler Hair Care Options, According To Science

    Take care!

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  • You Are Not Broken – by Dr. Kelly Casperson

    10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.

    Many women express “I think I’m broken down there”, and it turns out simply that neither they nor their partners had the right knowledge, that’s all. The good news is: bedroom competence is an entirely learnable skill!

    Dr. Casperson is a urologist, and over the years has expanded her work into all things pelvic, including the relevant use of both systemic and topical hormones (as in, hormones to increase overall blood serum levels of that hormone, like most HRT, and also, creams and lotions to increase levels of a given hormone in one particular place).

    However, this is not 200 pages to say “take hormones”. Rather, she covers many areas of female sexual health and wellbeing, including yes, simply pleasure. From the physiological to the psychological, Dr. Casperson talks the reader through avoiding blame games and “getting out of your head and into your body”.

    Bottom line: if you (or a loved one) are one of the many women who have doubts about being entirely correctly set up down there, then this book is definitely for you.

    Click here to check out You Are Not Broken, and indeed stop “should-ing” all over your sex life!

    Don’t Forget…

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