How To Avoid Carer Burnout

Sometimes in life we find ourselves in a caregiving role.

Maybe we chose it. For example, by becoming a professional carer, or even just by being a parent.

Oftentimes we didn’t. Sometimes because our own parents now need care from us, or because a partner becomes disabled.

Philosophical note: an argument could be made for that latter also having been a pre-emptive choice; we probably at some point said words to the effect of “in sickness and in health”, hopefully with free will, and hopefully meant it. And of course, sometimes we enter into a relationship with someone who is already disabled.

But, we are not a philosophy publication, and will henceforth keep to the practicalities.

First: are you the right person?

Sometimes, a caregiving role might fall upon you unasked-for, and it’s worth considering whether you are really up for it. Are you in a position to be that caregiver? Do you want to be that caregiver?

It may be that you do, and would actively fight off anyone or anything that tried to stop you. If so, great, now you only need to make sure that you are actually in a position to provide the care in question.

It may be that you do want to, but your circumstances don’t allow you to do as good a job of it as you’d like, or it means you have to drop other responsibilities, or you need extra help. We’ll cover these things later.

It may be that you don’t want to, but you feel obliged, or “have to”. If that’s the case, it will be better for everyone if you acknowledge that, and find someone else to do it. Nobody wants to feel a burden, and nobody wants someone providing care to be resentful of that. The result of such is two people being miserable; that’s not good for anyone. Better to give the job to someone who actually wants to (a professional, if necessary).

So, be honest (first with yourself, then with whoever may be necessary) about your own preferences and situation, and take steps to ensure you’re only in a caregiving role that you have the means and the will to provide.

Second: are you out of your depth?

Some people have had a life that’s prepared them for being a carer. Maybe they worked in the caring profession, maybe they have always been the family caregiver for one reason or another.

Yet, even if that describes you… Sometimes someone’s care needs may be beyond your abilities. After all, not all care needs are equal, and someone’s condition can (and more often than not, will) deteriorate.

So, learn. Learn about the person’s condition(s), medications, medical equipment, etc. If you can, take courses and such. The more you invest in your own development in this regard, the more easily you will handle the care, and the less it will take out of you.

And, don’t be afraid to ask for help. Maybe the person knows their condition better than you, and certainly there’s a good chance they know their care needs best. And certainly, there are always professionals that can be contacted to ask for advice.

Sometimes, a team effort may be required, and there’s no shame in that either. Whether it means enlisting help from family/friends or professionals, sometimes “many hands make light work”.

Check out: Caregiver Action Network: Organizations Near Me

A very good resource-hub for help, advice, & community

Third: put your own oxygen mask on first

Like the advice to put on one’s own oxygen mask first before helping others (in the event of a cabin depressurization in an airplane), the rationale is the same here. You can’t help others if you are running on empty yourself.

As a carer, sometimes you may have to put someone else’s needs above yours, both in general and in the moment. But, you do have needs too, and cannot neglect them (for long).

One sleepless night looking after someone else is… a small sacrifice for a loved one, perhaps. But several in a row starts to become unsustainable.

Sometimes it will be necessary to do the best you can, and accept that you cannot do everything all the time.

There’s a saying amongst engineers that applies here too: “if you don’t schedule time for maintenance, your equipment will schedule it for you”.

In other words: if you don’t give your body rest, your body will break down and oblige you to rest. Please be aware this goes for mental effort too; your brain is just another organ.

So, plan ahead, schedule breaks, find someone to take over, set up your cared-for-person with the resources to care for themself as well as possible (do this anyway, of course—independence is generally good so far as it’s possible), and make the time/effort to get you what you need for you. Sleep, distraction, a change of scenery, whatever it may be.

Lastly: what if it’s you?

If you’re reading this and you’re the person who has the higher care needs, then firstly:all strength to you. You have the hardest job here; let’s not forget that.

About that independence: well-intentioned people may forget that, so don’t be afraid to remind them when “I would prefer to do that myself”. Maintaining independence is generally good for the health, even if sometimes it is more work for all concerned than someone else doing it for you. The goal, after all, is your wellbeing, so this shouldn’t be cast aside lightly.

On the flipside: you don’t have to be strong all the time; nobody should.

Being disabled can also be quite isolating (this is probably not a revelation to you), so if you can find community with other people with the same or similar condition(s), even if it’s just online, that can go a very, very long way to making things easier. Both practically, in terms of sharing tips, and psychologically, in terms of just not feeling alone.

See also: How To Beat Loneliness & Isolation

Doctor: “So, how are you today?”
Patient: “Can’t complain; how about you?”

Hopefully your medical appointments don’t start quite like that, but there can be an element of being “along for the ride” when it comes to consultations. They ask questions, we answer, they prescribe something, we thank them.

In principle, the doctor should be able to handle that; ask the right questions, determine the problem, and not need too much from you. After all, they have been trained to deal with an unconscious patient, so the fact you can communicate at all is a bonus.

However, leaving it all to them isn’t really playing the field.

Before the appointment

Research your issue, as best you understand it. Some doctors will be very averse to you telling them about having done this (taking it as an affront to their expertise), but here’s the thing:

You don’t have to tell them.

You just have to understand as much as possible, so that you will be as “up to speed” as possible in the conversation, and not be quickly out of your depth.

Have an agenda, based on the above. Literally, have a little set of bullet-points to remind you what you came in to discuss, so that nothing escapes you in the moment. This should also include:

• If you have additional reasons for a particular concern (e.g. family history of a certain problem), make them known
• If you plan to request any specific tests or treatments, be able to clearly state your reasons for the specific tests or treatments
• If you plan to write off any specific tests or treatments as something to which you will not consent, have your reasons ready—in a way that makes it clear it’s something more than “don’t want it”, for example, “I’ve already decided that this treatment would make a sufficient hit to my quality of life, as to make it not worthwhile for me personally” (or whatever the reason may be for you). It needs to be something they can write on their notes instead of simply “patient refused treatment”.

Compile a record of your symptoms (as appropriate), and any previous tests/treatments (as appropriate), in chronological order. If you take all this with you, perhaps in a nice folder, you will enjoy the following advantages:

• not forgetting anything
• ability to answer questions accurately
• give the (correct) impression you take your health seriously, which means they are more likely to do so also—especially because they will now know that if they fob you off and/or mess something up, you’ll be taking a record of that to your next appointment.

Plan your outfit. No, you don’t have to dress for the red carpet, but you want to satisfy two main conditions:

• Accessibility for examination (for example, if you are going in with a knee pain, maybe don’t wear the tight jeans today; if they’re going to take blood, be either sleeveless or have sleeves that are easily moved out of the way, etc)
• General presentability (it’s a sad fact that doctors are not immune to biases, and will treat people better if they respect them more)

During the appointment

Be friendly; doctors (like most people) will respond much better to that than to grumpiness—even if you have good reason for grumpiness and even if the doctor has been trained to help grumpy patients.

Be confident: when we say “be friendly”, that doesn’t mean to necessarily be so agreeable as to not advocate for yourself. In particular:

• If they explain something and it isn’t clear to you, ask them to clarify
• If you disagree with them about a value judgement, say so. By “a value judgement” here we mean things in the realm of subjectivity. If the doctor says you are prediabetic, then you won’t get much mileage out of arguing otherwise; the numbers have the final say on that one. But if the doctor says “the side effects of the treatment you’re requesting will make it not worthwhile for you” and you have understood the side effects and you still disagree, then your opinion counts for more than theirs—it is your decision to make.
• If they dismiss a concern, ask them to put in writing that they dismissed your concern of X, despite you providing evidence that Y, and it being well-known that Z. Often, rather than doing that, they’ll just fold and actually address your concern instead.

Writer’s example in that last category: I recently made a request for a bone density scan. I expect my bone density is great, because I do all the right things, however, as both of my parents suffered from osteoporosis and assorted resultant crushed bones and the terrible consequences thereof, I a) have reasonable grounds for extra concern, and b) I believe that even if my bone density is fine now, it’s good to establish a baseline so I can know, in 5, 10, 20 years etc, whether there has been any deterioration. Now, happily the doctor I saw agreed with my assessment at first presentation and so I got the referral, but had she not been, I would have said “Could you please put in writing that I asked for a bone density scan, and you refused, on the grounds that [details about what happened with my parents], and that osteoporosis is known to have a strong genetic component is not, in your opinion, any reason to worry?”

Be honest, and/but err on the side of overstating your symptoms rather than understating. For example, if it is about a chronic condition and the doctor asks “are you able to do xyz”, take the question as meaning “are you able to do xyz on your worst days?”. You can clarify that if you like in your answer, but you need to include the information that xyz is something that your condition can and sometimes does impede you from doing.

Leave your embarrassment at the door. To the doctor (unless they are a very unprofessional one), you really are just one more patient with symptoms they have (unless your condition is very rare) seen a thousand times before. If your symptom is embarrassing, it will not faze them and you definitely should not hold back from mentioning it, for example. This goes extra in the case of discussions around sexual health, by the way, in which field the details you’d perhaps rather not share with anybody, are the details they need to adequately treat you.

After the appointment

Follow up on anything that doesn’t happen as promised (e.g. referrals, things ordered, etc), to make sure nothing got lost in a bureacratic error.

Get a second opinion if you’re not satisfied with the first one. Doctors are fallible, and as a matter of professional pride, it’s likely the second doctor will be glad to find something the first doctor missed.

See also: Make Your Negativity Work For You

Take care!