Ham Substitute in Bean Soup

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It’s Q&A Day at 10almonds!

Have a question or a request? You can always hit “reply” to any of our emails, or use the feedback widget at the bottom!

In cases where we’ve already covered something, we might link to what we wrote before, but will always be happy to revisit any of our topics again in the future too—there’s always more to say!

As ever: if the question/request can be answered briefly, we’ll do it here in our Q&A Thursday edition. If not, we’ll make a main feature of it shortly afterwards!

So, no question/request too big or small

I am interested in what I can substitute for ham in bean soup?

Well, that depends on what the ham was like! You can certainly buy ready-made vegan lardons (i.e. small bacon/ham bits, often in tiny cubes or similar) in any reasonably-sized supermarket. Being processed, they’re not amazing for the health, but are still an improvement on pork.

Alternatively, you can make your own seitan! Again, seitan is really not a health food, but again, it’s still relatively less bad than pork (unless you are allergic to gluten, in which case, definitely skip this one).

Alternatively alternatively, in a soup that already contains beans (so the protein element is already covered), you could just skip the ham as an added ingredient, and instead bring the extra flavor by means of a little salt, a little yeast extract (if you don’t like yeast extract, don’t worry, it won’t taste like it if you just use a teaspoon in a big pot, or half a teaspoon in a smaller pot), and a little smoked paprika. If you want to go healthier, you can swap out the salt for MSG, which enhances flavor in a similar fashion while containing less sodium.

Wondering about the health aspects of MSG? Check out our main feature on this, from last month:

What’s the deal with MSG?

Don’t Forget…

Did you arrive here from our newsletter? Don’t forget to return to the email to continue learning!

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    • Eat to Beat Disease – by Dr. William Li

      10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.

      Dr. William Li asks the important question: is your diet feeding disease, or defeating it?

      Because everything we put in our bodies makes our health just a little better—or just a little worse. Ok, sometimes a lot worse.

      But for most people, when it comes to diet, it’s a death of a thousand cuts of unhealthy food. And that’s what he looks to fix with this book.

      The good news: Dr. Li (while not advocating for unhealthy eating, of course), focuses less on what to restrict, and more on what to include. This book covers hundreds of such healthy foods, and ideas (practical, useful ones!) on incorporating them daily, including dozens of recipes.

      He mainly looks at five ways our food can help us with…

      1. Angiogenesis (blood vessel replacement)
      2. Regeneration (of various bodily organs and systems)
      3. Microbiome health (and all of its knock-on effects)
      4. DNA protection (and thus slower cellular aging)
      5. Immunity (defending the body while also reducing autoimmune problems)

      The style is simple and explanatory; Dr. Li is a great educator. Reading this isn’t a difficult read, but you’ll come out of it feeling like you just did a short course in health science.

      Bottom line: if you’d like an easy way to improve your health in an ongoing and sustainable way, then this book can help you do just that.

      Click here to check out Eat To Beat Disease, and eat to beat disease!

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    • A Peek Behind The 10almonds Curtain

      10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.

      At 10almonds we give a lot of health information, so you may wonder: how much do we (the 10almonds team) put into practice? Is it even possible to do all these things? Do we have an 80:20 rule going on?

      So, here’s what someone who thinks, reads, and writes about health all day, does for her health—and how it ties in with what you read here at 10almonds.

      Hi, it’s me, a member of the 10almonds team and regular writer here, and I’m going to do the rest of this article in the first-person, since it’s using me as an example!

      (PS: yes, the thumbnail is a digital impression of my appearance, though I would correct it that my hair is much longer, and my eyes are more gray; I must admit though it captured my smile, not to mention my collarbones-that-you-could-sit-on)

      Dietary habits

      Before we get to foods, let’s talk intermittent fasting. I practise 16:8 intermittent fasting… Approximately. That is to say, I’m mostly not religious about it, but I will generally breakfast around 12 noon, and have finished eating dinner before 8pm, with no food outside of those hours.

      See also: Intermittent Fasting: What’s the truth?

      Importantly, while I feel free to be a little flexible around start and finish times, I do very consciously decide “I am now fasting” and “I will now break the fast”.

      Note my imperfection: it would be ideal to have the eating period earlier in the day, and have a bigger breakfast and small dinner. However, that doesn’t really work for me (leisurely evening meal is an important daily event in this household), so this is how I do it instead.

      Foods!

      It gets an exclamation mark because a thing about me is that I do love foods.

      Breakfast: a typical breakfast for me these past months is a couple of ounces of mixed nuts with about 1oz of goji berries.

      The mixed nuts are in equal proportions: almonds, walnuts, hazelnuts, cashews. Why those four? Simple, it’s because that’s what Aldi sells as “mixed nuts” and they are the cheapest nuts around, as well as containing absolute nutritional heavyweights almonds and walnuts in generous portions.

      Often, but not always, I’ll have some dates with it, or dried apricots, or prunes.

      I go through phases; sometimes I’ll enjoy overnight oats as my breakfast for a month or two at a time. I really just follow my gut in this regard.

      See for example: Spiced Pear & Pecan Polyphenol Porridge

      Lunch: I don’t really lunch per se, but between breakfast and dinner I’ll usually snack on a 3–5 organic carrots (I literally just cut the tops off and otherwise eat them like Bugs Bunny—peeling them would be extra work just to lose fiber). Note my imperfection: I don’t buy all of my vegetables organic, but I do for the ones where it makes the biggest difference.

      If I’m feeling like it, I may lunch on a selection of herbs sabzi khordan style (see: Invigorating Sabzi Khordan), though I’m vegan so for simplicity I just skip the cheeses that are also traditional with that dish. On the other hand, for protein and fat I’ll usually add a cup of beans (usually black beans or kidney beans), seasoned with garlic and black pepper in an olive oil and balsamic vinegar dressing (that I make myself, so it’s just those ingredients). See also: Kidney Beans vs Black Beans – Which Is Healthier?

      Dinner: this is my main sit-down meal of the day, and it’s enjoyed in a leisurely fashion (say, 40 minutes average with a normal distribution bell curve running between 20 and 60 minutes) with my son who lives with me. I mention all of this, because of the importance of relaxed mindful eating. In the instances of it being nearer the 20 minutes end, it’s not because of rushing, but rather because of a lighter meal some days.

      See also: How To Get More Nutrition From The Same Food

      Regular recurrences in the menu include:

      I’ll often snack on something probiotic (e.g. kimchi) while I’m cooking.

      See also: Make Friends With Your Gut! (You Can Thank Us Later)

      In terms of what’s not in my diet: as mentioned, I’m vegan, so animal products are out. I don’t drink alcohol or use other recreational drugs, and I mostly drink decaffeinated coffee, but I’ll have a caffeinated one if I’m out somewhere. I’m not a puritan when it comes to sugar, but also, I simply don’t like it and I know well its health effects, so it doesn’t really form part of my diet except insofar as it’s in some ready-made condiments I may sometimes use (e.g. sriracha, teriyaki sauce). I’m also not a puritan when it comes to wheat, but it’s not something I consume daily. Usually on a weekly basis I’ll have a wholegrain pasta dish, and a dish with some kind of wholegrain flatbread.

      See also:

      Exercise!

      First, some things that are lifestyle factors:

      • I do not own a car, and I dislike riding in cars, buses, etc. So, I walk everywhere, unless it’s far enough that I must take the train, and even then I usually stand between carriages rather than sitting down.
      • I have a standing desk setup, that hasn’t been lowered even once since I got it. I highly recommend it, as someone who spends a lot of time at my desk.
      • You may imagine that I spend a lot of time reading; if it’s books (as opposed to scientific papers etc, which I read at my desk), then I’ll most of the time read them while perched like a gargoyle in a sitting squat (Slav squat, Asian squat, resting squat, deep squat, etc) on a balance ball. Yes, it is comfortable once you’re used to it!

      About that latter, see also: The Most Anti Aging Exercise

      In terms of “actual” exercise, I get 150–300 minutes “moderate exercise” per week, which is mostly composed of: 

      • Most days I walk into town to get groceries; it’s a 40-minute round trip on foot
      • On days I don’t do that, even if I do walk to a more local shop, I spend at least 20 minutes on my treadmill.

      See also: The Doctor Who Wants Us To Exercise Less, & Move More

      Strength and mobility training, for me, comes mostly in what has been called “exercise snacking”, that is to say, I intersperse my working day with brief breaks to do Pilates exercises. I have theme days (lower body, core, upper body) and on average one rest day (from Pilates exercises) per week, though honestly, that’s usually more likely because of time constraints than anything else, because a deadline is looming.

      See also: Four Habits That Drastically Improve Mobility

      You may be wondering about HIIT: when I’m feeling extra-serious about it, I use my exercise bike for this, but I’ll be honest, I don’t love the bike, so on a daily basis, I’m much more likely to do HIIT by blasting out a hundred or so Hindu squats, resting, and repeating.

      See also: How To Do HIIT (Without Wrecking Your Body)

      Supplements

      First I’ll mention, I do have HRT, of which the hormones I have are bioidentical estradiol gel in the morning, and a progesterone pessary in the evening. They may not be for everybody, but they’ve made a world of difference to me.

      See also: HRT: A Tale Of Two Approaches

      In terms of what one usually means when one says supplements, many I use intermittently (which is good in some cases, as otherwise the body may stop using them so well, or other problems can arise), but regular features include:

      Why weekends only for Fisetin? See: The Drug & Supplement Combo That Reverses Aging ← the supplement is fisetin, which outperforms quercetin in this role, and/but it only needs be taken for two days every two weeks, as a sort of “clearing out” of senescent cells. There is no need to take it every day, because if you just cleared out your senescent cells, then guess what, they’re not there now. Also, while sensescent cells are a major cause of aging, on a lower level they do have some anti-tumor effects, so it can be good to let some live a least for a while now and again. In short, cellular sensescence can help prevent tumors on a daily level, but it doesn’t hurt that capacity to have a clearing-out every couple of weeks; so says the science (linked above). Note my imperfection: I take it at weekends instead of for two days every two weeks (as is standard in studies, like those linked above), because it is simpler than remembering to count the weeks.

      Cognitive exercise

      Lest we forget, exercising our mind is also important! In my case:

      • I’m blessed to have work that’s quite cognitively stimulating; our topics here at 10almonds are interesting. If it weren’t for that, I’d still be reading and writing a lot.
      • I play chess, though these days I don’t play competitively anymore, and play rather for the social aspect, but this too is important in avoiding cognitive decline.
      • I am one of those people who compulsively learns languages, and uses them a lot. This is very beneficial, as language ability is maintained in a few small areas of the brain, and it’s very much “use it or lose it”. Now, while I may not need my French or Russian or Arabic to keep the lights on in this part of the brain or that, the fact that I am pushing my limits every day is the important part. It’s not about how much I know—it’s about how much I engage those parts of my brain on a daily basis. Thus, even if you speak only one language right now, learning even just one more, and learning even only a little bit, you will gain the brain benefits—because you’re engaging it regularly in a new way, and that forces the brain to wire new synapses and also to maintain volume in those parts.

      See also: How To Reduce Your Alzheimer’s Risk

      And about language-learning specifically: An Underrated Tool Against Alzheimer’s ←this also shows how you don’t have to be extreme about language learning like I admittedly am.

      How’s all this working out for me?

      I can say: it works! My general health is better now than it was decades ago. I’ve personally focused a lot on reducing inflammation, and that really pays dividends when it comes to the rest of health. I didn’t talk about it above, but focusing on my sleep regularity and quality has helped a lot too.

      In terms of measurable results, I recently had a general wellness checkup done by means of a comprehensive panel of 14 blood tests, and various physical metrics (BMI, body fat %, blood pressure, etc), and per those, I could not be in better health; it was as though I had cheated and written in all the best answers. I say this not to brag (you don’t know me, after all), but rather to say: it can be done!

      Even without extreme resources, and without an abundance of free time, etc, it can be done!

      Caveat: if you have some currently incurable chronic disease, there may be some limits. For example, if you have Type 1 Diabetes, probably your HbA1c* is going to be a little off even if you do everything right.

      *HbA1c = glycated hemoglobin, a very accurate measure of what your blood glucose has been on average for the past 2–3 months—why 2–3 months? Because that’s the approximate lifespan of a red blood cell, and we’re measuring how much hemoglobin (in the red blood cells) has been glycated (because of blood glucose).

      In summary

      The stuff we write about at 10almonds can be implemented, on a modest budget and while juggling responsibilities (work, family, classes, etc).

      I’m not saying that my lifestyle should be everyone’s template, but it’s at least an example of one that can work.

      • Maybe you hate walking and love swimming.
      • Maybe you have no wish to give up fish and eggs, say (both of which are fine/good in moderation healthwise).
      • Maybe you have different priorities with supplements.
      • Maybe you find language-learning uninteresting but take singing lessons.
      • And so on.

      In the absolute fewest words, the real template is:

      1. Decide your health priorities (what matters most for you)
      2. Look them up on 10almonds
      3. Put the things into action in a way that works for you!

      Take care!

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    • Goji Berries: Which Benefits Do They Really Have?

      10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.

      Are Goji Berries Really A Superfood?

      Goji berries are popularly considered a superfood, and sold for everything from anti-aging effects, to exciting benefits* that would get this email directed to your spam folder if we described them.

      *We searched so you don’t have to: there doesn’t seem to be much research to back [that claim that we can’t mention], but we did find one paper on its “invigorating” benefits for elderly male rats. We prefer to stick to human studies where we can!

      So how does the science stack up for the more mainstream claims?

      Antioxidant effects

      First and most obvious for this fruit that’s full of helpful polysaccharides, carotenoids, phenolic acids, and flavonoids, yes, they really do have strong antioxidant properties:

      Goji Berries as a Potential Natural Antioxidant Medicine: An Insight into Their Molecular Mechanisms of Action

      Immune benefits

      Things that are antioxidant are generally also anti-inflammatory, and often have knock-on benefits for the immune system. That appears to be the case here.

      For example, in this small-but-statistically-significant study (n=60) in healthy adults (aged 55–72 years)

      ❝The GoChi group showed a statistically significant increase in the number of lymphocytes and levels of interleukin-2 and immunoglobulin G compared to pre-intervention and the placebo group, whereas the number of CD4, CD8, and natural killer cells or levels of interleukin-4 and immunoglobulin A were not significantly altered. The placebo group showed no significant changes in any immune measures.

      Whereas the GoChi group showed a significant increase in general feelings of well-being, such as fatigue and sleep, and showed a tendency for increased short-term memory and focus between pre- and post-intervention, the placebo group showed no significant positive changes in these measures.❞

      “GoChi” here is a brand name for goji berries, and it’s not clear from the abstract whether the company funded the study:

      Source: Immunomodulatory effects of a standardized Lycium barbarum fruit juice in Chinese older healthy human subjects

      Here’s another study, this time n=150, and ages 65–70 years old. This time it’s with a different brand (“Lacto-Wolfberry”, a milk-with-goji supplement drink) and it’s also unclear whether the company funded the study. However, taking the data at face value:

      ❝In conclusion, long-term dietary supplementation with Lacto-Wolfberry in elderly subjects enhances their capacity to respond to antigenic challenge without overaffecting their immune system, supporting a contribution to reinforcing immune defense in this population. ❞

      In other words: it allowed those who took it to get measurably more benefit from the flu vaccinations that they received, without any ill effects.

      Source: Immunomodulatory effects of dietary supplementation with a milk-based wolfberry formulation in healthy elderly: a randomized, double-blind, placebo-controlled trial

      Anticancer potential

      This one’s less contentious (the immune benefits seemed very credible; we’d just like to see more transparent research to say for sure), so in the more clearly-evidenced case against cancer we’ll just drop a few quick studies, clipped for brevity:

      You get the idea: it helps!

      Bonus benefit for the eyes

      Goji berries also help against age-related macular degeneration. The research for this is in large part secondary, i.e. goji berries contain things x, y, and z, and then separate studies say that those things help against age-related macular degeneration.

      We did find some goji-specific studies though! One of them was for our old friends the “Lacto-Wolfberry” people and again, wasn’t very transparent, so we’ll not take up extra time/space with that one here.

      Instead, here’s a much clearer, transparent, and well-referenced study with no conflicts of interest, that found:

      ❝Overall, daily supplementation with Goji berry for 90d improves MPOD by increasing serum Z levels rather than serum L levels in early AMD patients. Goji berry may be an effective therapeutic intervention for preventing the progression of early AMD.❞

      • MPOD = Macular Pigment Optical Density, a standard diagnostic tool for age-related macular degeneration
      • AMD = Age-related Macular Degeneration

      Source: Macular pigment and serum zeaxanthin levels with Goji berry supplement in early age-related macular degeneration

      (that whole paper is very compelling reading, if you have time)

      If you want a quicker read, we offer:

      How To Avoid Age-Related Macular Degeneration

      and also…

      Brain Food? The Eyes Have It!

      Where to get goji berries?

      You can probably find them at your local health food store, if not the supermarket. However, if you’d like to buy them online, here’s an example product on Amazon for your convenience

      Enjoy!

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    Related Posts

      • The Anti-Stress Herb That Also Fights Cancer

        10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.

        What does Rhodiola rosea actually do, anyway?

        Rhodiola rosea (henceforth, “rhodiola”) is a flowering herb whose roots have adaptogenic properties.

        In the cold, mountainous regions of Europe and Asia where it grows, it has been used in herbal medicine for centuries to alleviate anxiety, fatigue, and depression.

        What does the science say?

        Well, let’s just say the science is more advanced than the traditional use:

        ❝In addition to its multiplex stress-protective activity, Rhodiola rosea extracts have recently demonstrated its anti-aging, anti-inflammation, immunostimulating, DNA repair and anti-cancer effects in different model systems❞

        ~ Li et al. (2017)

        Nor is how it works a mystery, as the same paper explains:

        ❝Molecular mechanisms of Rhodiola rosea extracts’s action have been studied mainly along with one of its bioactive compounds, salidroside. Both Rhodiola rosea extracts and salidroside have contrasting molecular mechanisms on cancer and normal physiological functions.

        For cancer, Rhodiola rosea extracts and salidroside inhibit the mTOR pathway and reduce angiogenesis through down-regulation of the expression of HIF-1α/HIF-2α.

        For normal physiological functions, Rhodiola rosea extracts and salidroside activate the mTOR pathway, stimulate paracrine function and promote neovascularization by inhibiting PHD3 and stabilizing HIF-1α proteins in skeletal muscles❞

        ~ Ibid.

        And, as for the question of “do the supplements work?”,

        ❝In contrast to many natural compounds, salidroside is water-soluble and highly bioavailable via oral administration❞

        ~ Ibid.

        And as to how good it is:

        ❝Rhodiola rosea extracts and salidroside can impose cellular and systemic benefits similar to the effect of positive lifestyle interventions to normal physiological functions and for anti-cancer❞

        ~ Ibid.

        Source: Rhodiola rosea: anti-stress, anti-aging, and immunostimulating properties for cancer chemoprevention

        But that’s not all…

        We can’t claim this as a research review if we only cite one paper (even if that paper has 144 citations of its own), and besides, it didn’t cover all the benefits yet!

        Let’s first look at the science for the “traditional use” trio of benefits:

        When you read those, what are your first thoughts?

        Please don’t just take our word for things! Reading even just the abstracts (summaries) at the top of papers is a very good habit to get into, if you don’t have time (or easy access) to read the full text.

        Reading the abstracts is also a very good way to know whether to take the time to read the whole paper, or whether it’s better to skip onto a different one.

        • Perhaps you noticed that the paper we cited for anxiety was quite a small study.
          • The fact is, while we found mountains of evidence for rhodiola’s anxiolytic (antianxiety) effects, they were all small and/or animal studies. So we picked a human study and went with it as illustrative.
        • Perhaps you noticed that the paper we cited for fatigue pertained mostly to stress-related fatigue.
          • This, we think, is a feature not a bug. After all, most of us experience fatigue because of the general everything of life, not because we just ran a literal marathon.
        • Perhaps you noticed that the paper we cited for depression said it didn’t work as well as sertraline (a very common pharmaceutical SSRI antidepressant).
          • But, it worked almost as well and it had far fewer adverse effects reported. Bear in mind, the side effects of antidepressants are the reason many people avoid them, or desist in taking them. So rhodiola working almost as well as sertraline for far fewer adverse effects, is quite a big deal!

        Bonus features

        Rhodiola also putatively offers protection against Alzheimer’s disease, Parkinson’s disease, and cerebrovascular disease in general:

        Rosenroot (Rhodiola): Potential Applications in Aging-related Diseases

        It may also be useful in the management of diabetes (types 1 and 2), but studies so far have only been animal studies, and/or in vitro studies. Here are two examples:

        1. Antihyperglycemic action of rhodiola-aqeous extract in type 1 diabetic rats
        2. Evaluation of Rhodiola crenulata and Rhodiola rosea for management of type 2 diabetes and hypertension

        How much to take?

        Dosages have varied a lot in studies. However, 120mg/day seems to cover most bases. It also depends on which of rhodiola’s 140 active compounds a particular benefit depends on, though salidroside and rosavin are the top performers.

        Where to get it?

        As ever, we don’t sell it (or anything else) but here’s an example product on Amazon.

        Enjoy!

        Don’t Forget…

        Did you arrive here from our newsletter? Don’t forget to return to the email to continue learning!

        Learn to Age Gracefully

        Join the 98k+ American women taking control of their health & aging with our 100% free (and fun!) daily emails:

      • Broccoli vs Red Cabbage – Which is Healthier?

        10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.

        Our Verdict

        When comparing broccoli to red cabbage, we picked the broccoli.

        Why?

        Both are certainly great! Which is usual for any Brassica oleracea cultivar (as both of these vegetables are). But there is a clear winner:

        In terms of macros, broccoli has more fiber and protein, while red cabbage has more carbs. Now, nobody is getting metabolic disease from eating cabbage, but by the numbers, this is a simple win for broccoli, especially on account of the fiber.

        In the category of vitamins, broccoli has more of vitamins B1, B2, B3, B5, C, E, K, and choline, while red cabbage has more of vitamins A and B6. Another win for broccoli.

        When it comes to minerals, it’s a similar story: broccoli has more copper, magnesium, phosphorus, potassium, selenium, and zinc, while red cabbage has more iron and manganese. They’re equal in calcium, by the way. Broccoli wins again.

        Looking at polyphenols, both cultivars have plenty, but broccoli has more in total, as well as more variety, so yet another win for broccoli here.

        Now, standing next to broccoli has made red cabbage look bad, but we want to assure you that red cabbage is itself a nutritional powerhouse—broccoli is just even more so.

        So of course, by all means do enjoy either or both; diversity is good!

        Want to learn more?

        You might like:

        21 Most Beneficial Polyphenols & What Foods Have Them

        Enjoy!

        Don’t Forget…

        Did you arrive here from our newsletter? Don’t forget to return to the email to continue learning!

        Learn to Age Gracefully

        Join the 98k+ American women taking control of their health & aging with our 100% free (and fun!) daily emails:

      • Managing Sibling Relationships In Adult Life

        10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.

        Managing Sibling Relationships In Adult Life

        After our previous main feature on estrangement, a subscriber wrote to say:

        ❝Parent and adult child relationships are so important to maintain as you age, but what about sibling relationships? Adult choices to accept and move on with healthier boundaries is also key for maintaining familial ties.❞

        And, this is indeed critical for many of us, if we have siblings!

        Writer’s note: I don’t have siblings, but I do happen to have one of Canada’s top psychologists on speed-dial, and she has more knowledge about sibling relationships than I do, not to mention a lifetime of experience both personally and professionally. So, I sought her advice, and she gave me a lot to work with.

        Today I bring her ideas, distilled into my writing, for 10almonds’ signature super-digestible bitesize style.

        A foundation of support

        Starting at the beginning of a sibling story… Sibling relationships are generally beneficial from the get-go.

        This is for reasons of mutual support, and an “always there” social presence.

        Of course, how positive this experience is may depend on there being a lack of parental favoritism. And certainly, sibling rivalries and conflict can occur at any age, but the stakes are usually lower, early in life.

        Growing warmer or colder

        Generally speaking, as people age, sibling relationships likely get warmer and less conflictual.

        Why? Simply put, we mature and (hopefully!) get more emotionally stable as we go.

        However, two things can throw a wrench into the works:

        1. Long-term rivalries or jealousies (e.g., “who has done better in life”)
        2. Perceptions of unequal contribution to the family

        These can take various forms, but for example if one sibling earns (or otherwise has) much more or much less than another, that can cause resentment on either or both sides:

        • Resentment from the side of the sibling with less money: “I’d look after them if our situations were reversed; they can solve my problems easily; why do they resent that and/or ignore my plight?”
        • Resentment from the side of the sibling with more money: “I shouldn’t be having to look after my sibling at this age”

        It’s ugly and unpleasant. Same goes if the general job of caring for an elderly parent (or parents) falls mostly or entirely on one sibling. This can happen because of being geographically closer or having more time (well… having had more time. Now they don’t, it’s being used for care!).

        It can also happen because of being female—daughters are more commonly expected to provide familial support than sons.

        And of course, that only gets exacerbated as end-of-life decisions become relevant with regard to parents, and tough decisions may need to be made. And, that’s before looking at conflicts around inheritance.

        So, all that seems quite bleak, but it doesn’t have to be like that.

        Practical advice

        As siblings age, working on communication about feelings is key to keeping siblings close and not devolving into conflict.

        Those problems we talked about are far from unique to any set of siblings—they’re just more visible when it’s our own family, that’s all.

        So: nothing to be ashamed of, or feel bad about. Just, something to manage—together.

        Figure out what everyone involved wants/needs, put them all on the table, and figure out how to:

        • Make sure outright needs are met first
        • Try to address wants next, where possible

        Remember, that if you feel more is being asked of you than you can give (in terms of time, energy, money, whatever), then this discussion is a time to bring that up, and ask for support, e.g.:

        “In order to be able to do that, I would need… [description of support]; can you help with that?”

        (it might even sometimes be necessary to simply say “No, I can’t do that. Let’s look to see how else we can deal with this” and look for other solutions, brainstorming together)

        Some back-and-forth open discussion and even negotiation might be necessary, but it’s so much better than seething quietly from a distance.

        The goal here is an outcome where everyone’s needs are met—thus leveraging the biggest strength of having siblings in the first place:

        Mutual support, while still being one’s own person. Or, as this writer’s psychology professor friend put it:

        ❝Circling back to your original intention, this whole discussion adds up to: siblings can be very good or very bad for your life, depending on tons of things that we talked about, especially communication skills, emotional wellness of each person, and the complexity of challenges they face interdependently.❞

        Our previous main feature about good communication can help a lot:

        Save Time With Better Communication

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