Seriously Useful Communication Skills!
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What Are Communication Skills, Really?
Superficially, communication is “conveying an idea to someone else”. But then again…
Superficially, painting is “covering some kind of surface in paint”, and yet, for some reason, the ceiling you painted at home is not regarded as equally “good painting skills” as Michaelangelo’s, with regard to the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.
All kinds of “Dark Psychology” enthusiasts on YouTube, authors of “Office Machiavelli” handbooks, etc, tell us that good communication skills are really a matter of persuasive speaking (or writing). And let’s not even get started on “pick-up artist” guides. Bleugh.
Not to get too philosophical, but here at 10almonds, we think that having good communication skills means being able to communicate ideas simply and clearly, and in a way that will benefit as many people as possible.
The implications of this for education are obvious, but what of other situations?
Conflict Resolution
Whether at work or at home or amongst friends or out in public, conflict will happen at some point. Even the most well-intentioned and conscientious partners, family, friends, colleagues, will eventually tread on our toes—or we, on theirs. Often because of misunderstandings, so much precious time will be lost needlessly. It’s good for neither schedule nor soul.
So, how to fix those situations?
I’m OK; You’re OK
In the category of “bestselling books that should have been an article at most”, a top-tier candidate is Thomas Harris’s “I’m OK; You’re OK”.
The (very good) premise of this (rather padded) book is that when seeking to resolve a conflict or potential conflict, we should look for a win-win:
- I’m not OK; you’re not OK ❌
- For example: “Yes, I screwed up and did this bad thing, but you too do bad things all the time”
- I’m OK; you’re not OK ❌
- For example: “It is not I who screwed up; this is actually all your fault”
- I’m not OK; you’re OK ❌
- For example: “I screwed up and am utterly beyond redemption; you should immediately divorce/disown/dismiss/defenestrate me”
- I’m OK; you’re OK ✅
- For example: “I did do this thing which turned out to be incorrect; in my defence it was because you said xyz, but I can understand why you said that, because…” and generally finding a win-win outcome.
So far, so simple.
“I”-Messages
In a conflict, it’s easy to get caught up in “you did this, you did that”, often rushing to assumptions about intent or meaning. And, the closer we are to the person in question, the more emotionally charged, and the more likely we are to do this as a knee-jerk response.
“How could you treat me this way?!” if we are talking to our spouse in a heated moment, perhaps, or “How can you treat a customer this way?!” if it’s a worker at Home Depot.
But the reality is that almost certainly neither our spouse nor the worker wanted to upset us.
Going on the attack will merely put them on the defensive, and they may even launch their own counterattack. It’s not good for anyone.
Instead, what really happened? Express it starting with the word “I”, rather than immediately putting it on the other person. Often our emotions require a little interrogation before they’ll tell us the truth, but it may be something like:
“I expected x, so when you did/said y instead, I was confused and hurt/frustrated/angry/etc”
Bonus: if your partner also understands this kind of communication situation, so much the better! Dark psychology be damned, everything is best when everyone knows the playbook and everyone is seeking the best outcome for all sides.
The Most Powerful “I”-Message Of All
Statements that start with “I” will, unless you are rules-lawyering in bad faith, tend to be less aggressive and thus prompt less defensiveness. An important tool for the toolbox, is:
“I need…”
Softly spoken, firmly if necessary, but gentle. If you do not express your needs, how can you expect anyone to fulfil them? Be that person a partner or a retail worker or anyone else. Probably they want to end the conflict too, so throw them a life-ring and they will (if they can, and are at least halfway sensible) grab it.
- “I need an apology”
- “I need a moment to cool down”
- “I need a refund”
- “I need some reassurance about…” (and detail)
Help the other person to help you!
Everything’s best when it’s you (plural) vs the problem, rather than you (plural) vs each other.
Apology Checklist
Does anyone else remember being forced to write an insincere letter of apology as a child, and the literary disaster that probably followed? As adults, we (hopefully) apologize when and if we mean it, and we want our apology to convey that.
What follows will seem very formal, but honestly, we recommend it in personal life as much as professional. It’s a ten-step apology, and you will forget these steps, so we recommend to copy and paste them into a Notes app or something, because this is of immeasurable value.
It’s good not just for when you want to apologize, but also, for when it’s you who needs an apology and needs to feel it’s sincere. Give your partner (if applicable) a copy of the checklist too!
- Statement of apology—say “I’m sorry”
- Name the offense—say what you did wrong
- Take responsibility for the offense—understand your part in the problem
- Attempt to explain the offense (not to excuse it)—how did it happen and why
- Convey emotions; show remorse
- Address the emotions/damage to the other person—show that you understand or even ask them how it affected them
- Admit fault—understand that you got it wrong and like other human beings you make mistakes
- Promise to be better—let them realize you’re trying to change
- Tell them how you will try to do it different next time and finally
- Request acceptance of the apology
Note: just because you request acceptance of the apology doesn’t mean they must give it. Maybe they won’t, or maybe they need time first. If they’re playing from this same playbook, they might say “I need some time to process this first” or such.
Want to really superpower your relationship? Read this together with your partner:
Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, and, as a bonus:
The Hold Me Tight Workbook: A Couple’s Guide for a Lifetime of Love
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The Hormone Therapy That Reduces Breast Cancer Risk & More
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The Hormone Balancing Act
We’ve written before about menopausal HRT:
What You Should Have Been Told About Menopause Beforehand
…and even specifically about the considerations when it comes to breast cancer risk:
Menopausal Hormone Replacement Therapy
this really does bear reading, by the way—scroll down to the bit about breast cancer risk, because it’s not a simple increased/decreased risk; it can go either way, and which way it goes will depend on various factors including your medical history and what HRT, if any, you are taking.
Hormone Modulating Therapy
Hormone modulating therapy, henceforth HMT, is something a little different.
Instead of replacing hormones, as hormone replacement therapy does, guess what hormone modulating therapy does instead? That’s right…
MHT can modulate hormones by various means, but the one we’re going to talk about today does it by blocking estrogen receptors,
Isn’t that the opposite of what we want?
You would think so, but since for many people with an increased breast cancer risk, the presence of estrogen increases that risk, which leaves menopausal (peri- or post) people in an unfortunate situation, having to choose between increased breast cancer risk (with estrogen), or osteoporosis and increased dementia risk, amongst other problems (without).
However, the key here (in fact, that’s a very good analogy) is in how the blocker works. Hormones and their receptors are like keys and locks, meaning that the wrong-shaped hormone won’t accidentally trigger it. And when the right-shaped hormone comes along, it gets activated and the message (in this case, “do estrogenic stuff here!” gets conveyed). A blocker is sufficiently similar to fit into the receptor, without being so similar as to otherwise act as the hormone.
In this case, it has been found that HMT blocking estrogen receptors was sufficient to alleviate the breast cancer risk, while also being associated with a 7% lower risk of developing Alzheimer’s disease or related dementias, with that risk reduction being even greater for some demographics depending on race and age. Black women in the 65–74 age bracket enjoyed a 24% relative risk reduction, with white women of the same age getting an 11% relative risk reduction. Black women enjoyed the same benefits after that age, whereas white women starting it at that age did not get the same benefits. The conclusion drawn from this is that it’s good to start this at 65 if relevant and practicable, especially if white, because the protective effect is strongest when gained aged 65–69.
Here’s a pop-science article that goes into the details more deeply than we have room for here:
Hormone therapy for breast cancer linked with lower dementia risk
And here’s the paper itself; we highly recommend reading at least the abstract, because it goes into the numbers in much more detail than we reasonably can here. It’s a huge cohort study of 18,808 women aged 65 years or older, so this is highly relevant data:
Want to learn more?
If you’d like a much deeper understanding of breast cancer risk management, including in the context of hormone therapy, you might like this excellent book that we reviewed recently:
The Smart Woman’s Guide to Breast Cancer – by Dr. Jenn Simmons
Take care!
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The Twenty-Four Hour Mind – by Dr. Rosalind Cartwright
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We’ve reviewed books about sleep before, and even about dreaming, so what does this one have to offer that’s new?
Quite a lot, actually! Before Dr. Cartwright, there were mainly two models of sleep and dreaming:
- The “top-down” model of psychoanalysts: our minds shape our dreams which in turn reveal things about us as people
- The “bottom-up” model of neuroscientists: our brains need to go through regular maintaince cycles, of which vivid hallucinations are a quirky side-effect.
And now, as Dr. Cartwright puts it:
❝I will lay out a new [horizontal] psychological model of the twenty-four hour mind; that is, how the predominantly conscious (waking) and unconscious (sleeping) forms of mental behavior interact through the brain’s regular, but differently organized, states of waking, sleeping, and dreaming.❞
This she does in the exploratory style of a 224-page lecture, which sounds like it might be tedious, but is actually attention-grabbing and engaging throughout. This book is more of a page-turner than soporific bedtime reading!
Bottom line: if you’d like to know more about the effect your waking and sleeping brain have on each other (to include getting in between those and making adjutments as appropriate), this is very much an elucidating read!
Click here to check out The Twenty-Four Hour Mind, and learn more about yours!
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Pomegranate vs Apricot – Which is Healthier?
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Our Verdict
When comparing pomegranate to apricot, we picked the pomegranate.
Why?
Both are great! Top tier fruits. But ultimately, pomegranate does have more to offer:
In terms of macros, pomegranate has more protein, carbs, and fiber (and even a little healthy fat—it’s the seeds); the main deciding factor on macros for fruits is almost always the fiber, and that’s the case here, which is why we hand the win to pomegranates in this category.
In the category of vitamins, pomegranates have more of vitamins B1, B2, b5, B6, B7, B9, K, and choline, while apricots have more of vitamins A, B3, and E. A clear win for pomegranates here.
When it comes to minerals, pomegranate has more copper, calcium, magnesium, manganese, phosphorus, selenium, and zinc, while apricots boast just a little more calcium and iron. Another easy win for pomegranates.
Looking at polyphenols, apricots finally win a category, with greater overall polyphenol coverage.
Which is good, but not enough to overcome the other three categories all being in pomegranates’ favor—hence the overall win for pomegranates here!
Of course, the solution is to enjoy both! Diversity is good, for exactly such reasons as this.
Want to learn more?
You might like to read:
Pomegranate’s Health Gifts Are Mostly In Its Peel ← in other words, the one part of the fruit you don’t normally eat. However! It can be dried and ground into a powder supplement, or else made in pomegranate tea.
Enjoy!
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How Your Exercise Today Gives A Brain Boost Tomorrow
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Regular 10almonds readers may remember we not long back wrote about a study that showed how daily activity levels, in aggregate, make a difference to brain health over the course of 1–2 weeks (in fact, it was a 9-day study):
Daily Activity Levels & The Measurable Difference They Make To Brain Health
Today, we’re going to talk about a new (published today, at time of writing) study that shows the associations between daily exercise levels (amongst other things) and how well people performed in cognitive tests the next day.
By this we mean: they recorded exercise vs sedentary behavior vs sleep on a daily basis (using wearable tech to track it), and tested them daily with cognitive tests, and looked at how the previous day’s activities (or lack thereof) impacted the next day’s test results.
Notably, the sample was of older adults (aged 50–83). The sample size wasn’t huge but was statistically significant (n=76) and the researchers are of course calling for more studies to be done with more people.
What they found
To put their findings into few words:
- Consistent light exercise boosts general cognitive performance not just for hours (which was already known) but through the next day.
- More moderate or vigorous activity than usual in particular led to better working memory and episodic memory the next day.
- More sleep (especially slow-wave deep sleep) improved episodic memory and psychomotor speed.
- Sedentary behavior was associated with poorer working memory.
Let’s define some terms:
- general cognitive performance = average of scores across the different tests
- working memory = very short term memory, such as remembering what you came into this room for, or (as an example of a test format) being able to take down a multi-digit number in one go without it being broken down (and then, testing with longer lengths of number until failure)
- episodic memory = memory of events in a narrative context, where and when they happened, etc
- psychomotor speed = the speed of connection between perception and reaction in quick-response tests
These are, of course, all useful things to have, which means the general advice here is to:
- move more, generally
- exercise more, specifically
- sit less, whenever reasonably possible
- sleep well
You can read the study itself here:
Want to know the best kind of exercise for brain health?
Check out our article about neuroscientist Dr. Suzuki, and what she has to say about it:
The Exercise That Protects Your Brain
Enjoy!
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Which Gadgets Help, & Which Are A Waste Of Time?
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It’s Q&A Day at 10almonds!
Have a question or a request? We love to hear from you!
In cases where we’ve already covered something, we might link to what we wrote before, but will always be happy to revisit any of our topics again in the future too—there’s always more to say!
As ever: if the question/request can be answered briefly, we’ll do it here in our Q&A Thursday edition. If not, we’ll make a main feature of it shortly afterwards!
So, no question/request too big or small 😎
❝I’m a 67- year old yoga teacher and runner. A lifelong runner, I started long distance running when I was 58. One of my friends loves rucking? I recently bought a rucking vest. Your thoughts? Any risks?
As a perk of my yoga instructor job I get cryotherapy, red light therapy, infrared sauna, and Normatec boots for a nominal fee. Even though they are almost free, I don’t take advantage of them as I can’t find evidence of their value and don’t want to waste my time. Do you recommend any of them?❞On rucking and rucking vests
First, for any unfamiliar, this is about walking/running/exercising in general, with a weighted backpack or weight vest.
As for whether this is beneficial, it depends on your goals. Once upon a very long time ago when this writer was a soldier, it was vitally important to for me be able to [fall from the sky and then] run about 2km carrying a certain (hefty) amount of weight and still be able to fight at the other end of it, or else I would die. Thus, between deployments, I’d often carry a sturdy rucksack with concrete slabs in it, to keep myself accustomed to that burden (funny story: someone once tried to steal that when I had put it down while doing something—the would-be thief fell over instantly and then ran away empty-handed). And, here’s the thing: this kind of training did for me what I needed it to do for me. As a 67-year-old yoga teacher, your needs are probably very different.
A common reason to use weight vests is in an effort against osteoporosis, but the evidence is lacking (or very weak, at best), as we wrote about a while back:
Weight Vests Against Osteoporosis: Do They Really Build Bone?
With regard to risks… Let’s put it this way: my old regiment, in addition to the usual soldierly problems like hearing damage and PTSD, has quite a reputation for producing veterans with spinal compression injuries. And that’s entirely because of the whole “running with a large amount of weight strapped to us” thing. So, you probably don’t want that.
If you are going to do that though, then:
- a weight best is a lot better than a backpack (better distribution of weight)
- start with low weight and work up, and don’t push your limits
We’re not the boss of you, so by all means do as you see fit, but unless there’s a special reason why being able to run with a heavy weight is important to you, then running with a light weight is already more than good enough.
About those job perks
Again, of course, it depends on what you hope to get out of them, but in some cases there is a lot of evidence for benefit.
On cryotherapy: Ice Baths: To Dip Or Not To Dip? ← there are definite benefits for most people!
On red light therapy: Red Light, Go! Casting Yourself In A Healthier Light ← there are some caveats re people who should not do this or at least should be very wary, but for most people, this does a lot of good, and is very well-evidenced to be beneficial
On infrared saunas: we’re unaware of any special evidence in favor of these. However, traditional saunas have plenty of well-evidenced benefits: Saunas: Health Benefits (& Caveats)
On Normatec boots: for the unfamiliar, this is a brand name for compression technology. Again, it depends on what you want to get out of it, though. If you are in good health, then what it’s generally being advertised for is to prevent/reduce exercise-induced muscle damage caused by the stress that endurance training can place on skeletal muscle. Just one problem—it doesn’t seem to work:
❝Athletes attempt to aid their recovery in various ways, one of which is through compression. Dynamic compression consists of intermittent pneumatic compression (IPC) devices, such as the NormaTec Recovery System and Recovery Pump
Clinical Question: What are the effects of IPC on the reduction of Exercise-Induced Muscle Damage (EIMD) in endurance athletes following prolonged exercise? Summary of Key Findings: The current literature was searched to identify the effects of IPC, and 3 studies were selected: 2 randomized controlled trials and 1 randomized cross-over study. Two studies investigated the effect of IPC on delayed onset muscle soreness and plasma creatine kinase in ultramarathoners. The other looked at the impact of IPC on delayed onset muscle soreness in marathoners, ultramarathoners, triathletes, and cyclists.
All studies concluded IPC was not an effective means of improving the reduction of EIMD in endurance-trained athletes.❞
However! If you have lipedema and/or lymphedema and want to manage that, then compression gear may help:
Take care!
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Nanotechnology vs Alcohol Damage!
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One Thing That Does Pair Well With Alcohol…
Alcohol is not a healthy thing to consume. That shouldn’t be a controversial statement, but there is a popular belief that it can be good for the heart:
Red Wine & The Heart: Can We Drink To Good Health?
The above is an interesting and well-balanced article that examines the arguments for health benefits (including indirectly, e.g. social aspects).
Ultimately, though, as the World Health Organization puts it:
WHO: No level of alcohol consumption is safe for our health
There is some good news:
We can somewhat reduce the harm done by alcohol by altering our habits slightly:
How To Make Drinking Less Harmful
…and we can also, of course, reduce our alcohol consumption (ideally to zero, but any reduction is an improvement already):
And, saving the best news (in this section, anyway) for last, it is almost always possible to undo the harm done specifically to one’s liver:
Nanotechnology to the rescue?
Remember when we had a main feature about how colloidal gold basically does nothing by itself (and that that’s precisely why gold is used in medicine, when it is used)?
Now it has an extra bit of nothing to do, for our benefit (if we drink alcohol, anyway), as part of a gel that detoxifies alcohol before it can get to our liver:
Gold is one of the “ingredients” in a gel containing a nanotechnology lattice of protein fibrils coated with iron (and the gold is there as an inert catalyst, which is chemistry’s way of saying it doesn’t react in any way but it does cheer the actual reagents on). There’s more chemistry going on than we have room to discuss in our little newsletter, so if you like the full details, you can read about that here:
Single-site iron-anchored amyloid hydrogels as catalytic platforms for alcohol detoxification
The short and oversimplified explanation is that instead of alcohol being absorbed from the gut and transported via the bloodstream to the liver, where it is metabolized (poisoning the liver as it goes, and poisoning the rest of the body too, including the brain), the alcohol is degraded while it is still in the gastrointestinal tract, converted by the gel’s lattice into acetic acid (which is at worst harmless, and actually in moderation a good thing to have).
Even shorter and even more oversimplified: the gel turns the alcohol into vinegar in the stomach and gut, before it can get absorbed into the blood.
But…
Of course there’s a “but”…
There are some limitations:
It doesn’t get it all (tests so far found it only gets about half of the alcohol), and so far it’s only been tested on mice, so it’s not on the market yet—while the researchers are sufficiently confident about it that a patent application has now been made, though, so it’ll probably show up on the market in the near future.
You can read a pop-science article about it (with diagrams!) here:
New gel breaks down alcohol in the body
Want to read more…
…about how to protect your organs (including your brain) from alcohol completely?
We’ve reviewed quite a number of books about quitting alcohol, so it’s hard to narrow it down to a single favorite, but after some deliberation, we’ll finish today with recommending:
Quit Drinking – by Rebecca Dolton ← you can read our review here
Take care!
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