Seriously Useful Communication Skills!
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What Are Communication Skills, Really?
Superficially, communication is “conveying an idea to someone else”. But then again…
Superficially, painting is “covering some kind of surface in paint”, and yet, for some reason, the ceiling you painted at home is not regarded as equally “good painting skills” as Michaelangelo’s, with regard to the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.
All kinds of “Dark Psychology” enthusiasts on YouTube, authors of “Office Machiavelli” handbooks, etc, tell us that good communication skills are really a matter of persuasive speaking (or writing). And let’s not even get started on “pick-up artist” guides. Bleugh.
Not to get too philosophical, but here at 10almonds, we think that having good communication skills means being able to communicate ideas simply and clearly, and in a way that will benefit as many people as possible.
The implications of this for education are obvious, but what of other situations?
Conflict Resolution
Whether at work or at home or amongst friends or out in public, conflict will happen at some point. Even the most well-intentioned and conscientious partners, family, friends, colleagues, will eventually tread on our toes—or we, on theirs. Often because of misunderstandings, so much precious time will be lost needlessly. It’s good for neither schedule nor soul.
So, how to fix those situations?
I’m OK; You’re OK
In the category of “bestselling books that should have been an article at most”, a top-tier candidate is Thomas Harris’s “I’m OK; You’re OK”.
The (very good) premise of this (rather padded) book is that when seeking to resolve a conflict or potential conflict, we should look for a win-win:
- I’m not OK; you’re not OK ❌
- For example: “Yes, I screwed up and did this bad thing, but you too do bad things all the time”
- I’m OK; you’re not OK ❌
- For example: “It is not I who screwed up; this is actually all your fault”
- I’m not OK; you’re OK ❌
- For example: “I screwed up and am utterly beyond redemption; you should immediately divorce/disown/dismiss/defenestrate me”
- I’m OK; you’re OK ✅
- For example: “I did do this thing which turned out to be incorrect; in my defence it was because you said xyz, but I can understand why you said that, because…” and generally finding a win-win outcome.
So far, so simple.
“I”-Messages
In a conflict, it’s easy to get caught up in “you did this, you did that”, often rushing to assumptions about intent or meaning. And, the closer we are to the person in question, the more emotionally charged, and the more likely we are to do this as a knee-jerk response.
“How could you treat me this way?!” if we are talking to our spouse in a heated moment, perhaps, or “How can you treat a customer this way?!” if it’s a worker at Home Depot.
But the reality is that almost certainly neither our spouse nor the worker wanted to upset us.
Going on the attack will merely put them on the defensive, and they may even launch their own counterattack. It’s not good for anyone.
Instead, what really happened? Express it starting with the word “I”, rather than immediately putting it on the other person. Often our emotions require a little interrogation before they’ll tell us the truth, but it may be something like:
“I expected x, so when you did/said y instead, I was confused and hurt/frustrated/angry/etc”
Bonus: if your partner also understands this kind of communication situation, so much the better! Dark psychology be damned, everything is best when everyone knows the playbook and everyone is seeking the best outcome for all sides.
The Most Powerful “I”-Message Of All
Statements that start with “I” will, unless you are rules-lawyering in bad faith, tend to be less aggressive and thus prompt less defensiveness. An important tool for the toolbox, is:
“I need…”
Softly spoken, firmly if necessary, but gentle. If you do not express your needs, how can you expect anyone to fulfil them? Be that person a partner or a retail worker or anyone else. Probably they want to end the conflict too, so throw them a life-ring and they will (if they can, and are at least halfway sensible) grab it.
- “I need an apology”
- “I need a moment to cool down”
- “I need a refund”
- “I need some reassurance about…” (and detail)
Help the other person to help you!
Everything’s best when it’s you (plural) vs the problem, rather than you (plural) vs each other.
Apology Checklist
Does anyone else remember being forced to write an insincere letter of apology as a child, and the literary disaster that probably followed? As adults, we (hopefully) apologize when and if we mean it, and we want our apology to convey that.
What follows will seem very formal, but honestly, we recommend it in personal life as much as professional. It’s a ten-step apology, and you will forget these steps, so we recommend to copy and paste them into a Notes app or something, because this is of immeasurable value.
It’s good not just for when you want to apologize, but also, for when it’s you who needs an apology and needs to feel it’s sincere. Give your partner (if applicable) a copy of the checklist too!
- Statement of apology—say “I’m sorry”
- Name the offense—say what you did wrong
- Take responsibility for the offense—understand your part in the problem
- Attempt to explain the offense (not to excuse it)—how did it happen and why
- Convey emotions; show remorse
- Address the emotions/damage to the other person—show that you understand or even ask them how it affected them
- Admit fault—understand that you got it wrong and like other human beings you make mistakes
- Promise to be better—let them realize you’re trying to change
- Tell them how you will try to do it different next time and finally
- Request acceptance of the apology
Note: just because you request acceptance of the apology doesn’t mean they must give it. Maybe they won’t, or maybe they need time first. If they’re playing from this same playbook, they might say “I need some time to process this first” or such.
Want to really superpower your relationship? Read this together with your partner:
Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, and, as a bonus:
The Hold Me Tight Workbook: A Couple’s Guide for a Lifetime of Love
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Vital Aspects of Holistic Wellness
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It’s Q&A Day!
Have a question or a request? You can always hit “reply” to any of our emails, or use the feedback widget at the bottom!
This newsletter has been growing a lot lately, and so have the questions/requests, and we love that! In cases where we’ve already covered something, we might link to what we wrote before, but will always be happy to revisit any of our topics again in the future too—there’s always more to say!
As ever: if the question/request can be answered briefly, we’ll do it here in our Q&A Thursday edition. If not, we’ll make a main feature of it shortly afterwards!
So, no question/request too big or small
Q: I am interested in the following: Aging, Exercise, Diet, Relationships, Purpose, Lowering Stress
You’re going to love our Psychology Sunday editions of 10almonds! You might like some of these…
- Relationships: Seriously Useful Communication Skills!
- Purpose: Are You Flourishing? (There’s a Scale)
- Managing stress: Lower Your Cortisol! (Here’s Why & How)
- Also about managing stress: Sunday Stress-Buster
- Also applicable to stress: How To Set Your Anxiety Aside
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Heal & Reenergize Your Brain With Optimized Sleep Cycles
10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.
Sometimes 8 hours sleep can result in grogginess while 6 hours can result in waking up fresh as a daisy, so what gives? Dr. Tracey Marks explains, in this short video.
Getting more than Zs in
Sleep involves 90-minute cycles, usually in 4 stages:
- Stage 1: (drowsy state): brief muscle jerks; lasts a few minutes.
- Stage 2: (light sleep): sleep spindles for memory consolidation; 50% of total sleep.
- Stage 3 (deep sleep): tissue repair, immune support, brain toxin removal via the glymphatic system.
- Stage 4 (REM sleep): emotional processing, creativity, problem-solving, and dreaming.
Some things can disrupt some or all of those. To give a few common examples:
- Alcohol: impairs REM sleep.
- Caffeine: hinders deep sleep even if consumed hours before bed.
- Screentime: delays sleep onset due to blue light (but not by much); the greater problem is that it can also disrupt REM sleep due to mental stimulation.
To optimize things, Dr. Marks recommends:
- 90-minute rule: plan sleep to align with full cycles (e.g: 22:30 to 06:00 = 7½ hours, which is 5x 90-minute cycles).
- Smart alarms: use sleep-tracking apps with built-in alarm, to wake you up during light sleep phases.
- Strategic naps: keep naps to 20 minutes or a full 90-minute cycle.
- Pink noise: improves deep sleep.
- Meal timing: avoid eating within 3 hours of bedtime.
- Natural light: get morning light exposure in the morning to strengthen circadian rhythm.
For more on all of this, enjoy:
Click Here If The Embedded Video Doesn’t Load Automatically!
Want to learn more?
You might also like to read:
Calculate (And Enjoy) The Perfect Night’s Sleep
Take care!
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Chia Seeds vs Flax Seeds – Which is Healthier?
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Our Verdict
When comparing chia to flax, we picked the chia.
Why?
Both are great! And it’s certainly close. Both are good sources of protein, fiber, and healthy fats.
Flax seeds contain a little more fat (but it is healthy fat), while chia seeds contain a little more fiber.
They’re both good sources of vitamins and minerals, but chia seeds contain more. In particular, chia seeds have about twice as much calcium and selenium, and notably more iron and phosphorous—though flax seeds do have more potassium.
Of course the perfect solution is to enjoy both, but since for the purpose of this exercise we have to pick one, we’d say chia comes out on top—even if flax is not far behind.
Enjoy!
Learn more
For more on these, check out:
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The Pain-Free Mindset – by Dr. Deepak Ravindran
10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.
First: please ignore the terrible title. This is not the medical equivalent of “think and grow rich”. A better title would have been something like “The Pain-Free Plan”.
Attentive subscribers may notice that this author was our featured expert yesterday, so you can learn about his “seven steps” described in our article there, without us repeating that in our review here.
This book’s greatest strength is also potentially its greatest weakness, depending on the reader: it contains a lot of detailed medical information.
This is good or bad depending on whether you like lots of detailed medical information. Dr. Ravindran doesn’t assume prior knowledge, so everything is explained as we go. However, this means that after his well-referenced clinical explanations, high quality medical diagrams, etc, you may come out of this book feeling like you’ve just done a semester at medical school.
Knowledge is power, though, so understanding the underlying processes of pain and pain management really does help the reader become a more informed expert on your own pain—and options for reducing that pain.
Bottom line: this, disguised by its cover as a “think healing thoughts” book, is actually a science-centric, information-dense, well-sourced, comprehensive guide to pain management from one of the leading lights in the field.
Click here to check out The Pain-Free Mindset, and manage yours more comfortably!
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Say That Again: Using Hearing Aids Can Be Frustrating for Older Adults, but Necessary
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It was an every-other-day routine, full of frustration.
Every time my husband called his father, who was 94 when he died in 2022, he’d wait for his dad to find his hearing aids and put them in before they started talking.
Even then, my father-in-law could barely hear what my husband was saying. “What?” he’d ask over and over.
Then, there were the problems my father-in-law had replacing the devices’ batteries. And the times he’d end up in the hospital, unable to understand what people were saying because his hearing aids didn’t seem to be functioning. And the times he’d drop one of the devices and be unable to find it.
How many older adults have problems of this kind?
There’s no good data about this topic, according to Nicholas Reed, an assistant professor of epidemiology at Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health who studies hearing loss. He did a literature search when I posed the question and came up empty.
Reed co-authored the most definitive study to date of hearing issues in older Americans, published in JAMA Open Network last year. Previous studies excluded people 80 and older. But data became available when a 2021 survey by the National Health and Aging Trends Study included hearing assessments conducted at people’s homes.
The results, based on a nationally representative sample of 2,803 people 71 and older, are eye-opening. Hearing problems become pervasive with advancing age, exceeding 90% in people 85 and older, compared with 53% of 71- to 74-year-olds. Also, hearing worsens over time, with more people experiencing moderate or severe deficits once they reach or exceed age 80, compared with people in their 70s.
However, only 29% of those with hearing loss used hearing aids. Multiple studies have documented barriers that inhibit use. Such devices, which Medicare doesn’t cover, are pricey, from nearly $1,000 for a good over-the-counter set (OTC hearing aids became available in 2022) to more than $6,000 for some prescription models. In some communities, hearing evaluation services are difficult to find. Also, people often associate hearing aids with being old and feel self-conscious about wearing them. And they tend to underestimate hearing problems that develop gradually.
Barbara Weinstein, a professor of audiology at the City University of New York Graduate Center and author of the textbook “Geriatric Audiology,” added another concern to this list when I reached out to her: usability.
“Hearing aids aren’t really designed for the population that most needs to use them,” she told me. “The move to make devices smaller and more sophisticated technologically isn’t right for many people who are older.”
That’s problematic because hearing loss raises the risk of cognitive decline, dementia, falls, depression, and social isolation.
What advice do specialists in hearing health have for older adults who have a hard time using their hearing aids? Here are some thoughts they shared.
Consider larger, customized devices. Many older people, especially those with arthritis, poor fine motor skills, compromised vision, and some degree of cognitive impairment, have a hard time manipulating small hearing aids and using them properly.
Lindsay Creed, associate director of audiology practices at the American Speech-Language-Hearing Association, said about half of her older clients have “some sort of dexterity issue, whether numbness or reduced movement or tremor or a lack of coordination.” Shekinah Mast, owner of Mast Audiology Services in Seaford, Delaware, estimates nearly half of her clients have vision issues.
For clients with dexterity challenges, Creed often recommends “behind-the-ear hearing aids,” with a loop over the ear, and customized molds that fit snugly in the ear. Customized earpieces are larger than standardized models.
“The more dexterity challenges you have, the better you’ll do with a larger device and with lots of practice picking it up, orienting it, and putting it in your ear,” said Marquitta Merkison, associate director of audiology practices at ASHA.
For older people with vision issues, Mast sometimes orders hearing aids in different colors for different ears. Also, she’ll help clients set up stands at home for storing devices, chargers, and accessories so they can readily find them each time they need them.
Opt for ease of use. Instead of buying devices that require replacing tiny batteries, select a device that can be charged overnight and operate for at least a day before being recharged, recommended Thomas Powers, a consultant to the Hearing Industries Association. These are now widely available.
People who are comfortable using a smartphone should consider using a phone app to change volume and other device settings. Dave Fabry, chief hearing health officer at Starkey, a major hearing aid manufacturer, said he has patients in their 80s and 90s “who’ve found that being able to hold a phone and use larger visible controls is easier than manipulating the hearing aid.”
If that’s too difficult, try a remote control. GN ReSound, another major manufacturer, has designed one with two large buttons that activate the volume control and programming for its hearing aids, said Megan Quilter, the company’s lead audiologist for research and development.
Check out accessories. Say you’re having trouble hearing other people in restaurants. You can ask the person across the table to clip a microphone to his shirt or put the mike in the center of the table. (The hearing aids will need to be programmed to allow the sound to be streamed to your ears.)
Another low-tech option: a hearing aid clip that connects to a piece of clothing to prevent a device from falling to the floor if it becomes dislodged from the ear.
Wear your hearing aids all day. “The No. 1 thing I hear from older adults is they think they don’t need to put on their hearing aids when they’re at home in a quiet environment,” said Erika Shakespeare, who owns Audiology and Hearing Aid Associates in La Grande, Oregon.
That’s based on a misunderstanding. Our brains need regular, not occasional, stimulation from our environments to optimize hearing, Shakespeare explained. This includes noises in seemingly quiet environments, such as the whoosh of a fan, the creak of a floor, or the wind’s wail outside a window.
“If the only time you wear hearing aids is when you think you need them, your brain doesn’t know how to process all those sounds,” she told me. Her rule of thumb: “Wear hearing aids all your waking hours.”
Consult a hearing professional. Everyone’s needs are different, so it’s a good idea to seek out an audiologist or hearing specialist who, for a fee, can provide guidance.
“Most older people are not going to know what they need” and what options exist without professional assistance, said Virginia Ramachandran, the head of audiology at Oticon, a major hearing aid manufacturer, and a past president of the American Academy of Audiology.
Her advice to older adults: Be “really open” about your challenges.
If you can’t afford hearing aids, ask a hearing professional for an appointment to go over features you should look for in over-the-counter devices. Make it clear you want the appointment to be about your needs, not a sales pitch, Reed said. Audiology practices don’t routinely offer this kind of service, but there’s good reason to ask since Medicare started covering once-a-year audiologist consultations last year.
We’re eager to hear from readers about questions you’d like answered, problems you’ve been having with your care, and advice you need in dealing with the health care system. Visit http://kffhealthnews.org/columnists to submit your requests or tips.
KFF Health News is a national newsroom that produces in-depth journalism about health issues and is one of the core operating programs at KFF—an independent source of health policy research, polling, and journalism. Learn more about KFF.
Subscribe to KFF Health News’ free Morning Briefing.
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7-Minute Face Fitness For Lymphatic Drainage & Youthful Jawline
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Valeriia Veksler is a registered nurse with a background in cosmetic medicine. She’s been practicing for 7 years, and on the strength of that, is going to teach us how to give our face some love for 7 minutes:
The routine, step by step
Preparation: clean your face and apply your usual moisturizer. Breathe deeply: Inhale through the nose, exhale to release tension.
Neck massage: use fingertips in circular motion from the bottom of the neck to the hairline and back for 30 seconds. This helps promote blood flow to the face.
Sternocleidomastoid massage: use knuckles to massage in circles from the sternal area up to the jawline and down to the collarbone for 30 seconds. Keep posture straight, shoulders down, and relax muscles.
Collarbone pressure: apply and release pressure with fingertips above the collarbones for 30 seconds. This stimulates lymphatic flow and helps reduce puffiness.
Under-chin massage: use knuckles to massage side-to-side under the chin for 30 seconds. Relax the under-chin area and promote lymphatic drainage.
Jawline massage: with knuckles, massage from the chin towards the ears in circular motion for 30 seconds. Relax the jaw.
Nasolabial fold and nose massage: place index fingers near nostrils and move mouth in a “O” shape, then massage around the nostrils and up the nose for 30 seconds.
Smile line lift: press palms on the smile lines and slide hands up towards the temples for 30 seconds. This helps lift the face and sculpt cheekbones.
Under-eye massage: use index fingers in a hook shape, massaging under the eyes along the bone structure for 30 seconds. This promotes blood flow and lymphatic drainage.
Temple lift: use fingertips to lift the area near the left temple for 30 seconds, then assist with the opposite hand to lift further. Repeat on the other side. This reduces crow’s feet and lifts the corners of the eyes.
Forehead lift: place hands on the forehead, lock fingers, and gently elevate the skin upwards. Glide fingers towards the hairline for 30 seconds. This promotes blood flow and smooths the forehead.
Relax 11 Lines: place fingers at the center of the forehead, gently press into the tissue, and let them glide away from each other towards the eyebrows for 30 seconds.
Bonus:
- Ensure good posture throughout.
- Relax, stay mindful, and breathe deeply during the exercises.
- Feel the warmth and energy from improved circulation, after the routine.
For more on all of this plus a visual demonstration of everything, enjoy:
Click Here If The Embedded Video Doesn’t Load Automatically!
Want to learn more?
You might also like to read:
Top 10 Foods That Promote Lymphatic Drainage and Lymph Flow
Take care!
Don’t Forget…
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Learn to Age Gracefully
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