Seriously Useful Communication Skills!
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What Are Communication Skills, Really?
Superficially, communication is “conveying an idea to someone else”. But then again…
Superficially, painting is “covering some kind of surface in paint”, and yet, for some reason, the ceiling you painted at home is not regarded as equally “good painting skills” as Michaelangelo’s, with regard to the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.
All kinds of “Dark Psychology” enthusiasts on YouTube, authors of “Office Machiavelli” handbooks, etc, tell us that good communication skills are really a matter of persuasive speaking (or writing). And let’s not even get started on “pick-up artist” guides. Bleugh.
Not to get too philosophical, but here at 10almonds, we think that having good communication skills means being able to communicate ideas simply and clearly, and in a way that will benefit as many people as possible.
The implications of this for education are obvious, but what of other situations?
Conflict Resolution
Whether at work or at home or amongst friends or out in public, conflict will happen at some point. Even the most well-intentioned and conscientious partners, family, friends, colleagues, will eventually tread on our toes—or we, on theirs. Often because of misunderstandings, so much precious time will be lost needlessly. It’s good for neither schedule nor soul.
So, how to fix those situations?
I’m OK; You’re OK
In the category of “bestselling books that should have been an article at most”, a top-tier candidate is Thomas Harris’s “I’m OK; You’re OK”.
The (very good) premise of this (rather padded) book is that when seeking to resolve a conflict or potential conflict, we should look for a win-win:
- I’m not OK; you’re not OK ❌
- For example: “Yes, I screwed up and did this bad thing, but you too do bad things all the time”
- I’m OK; you’re not OK ❌
- For example: “It is not I who screwed up; this is actually all your fault”
- I’m not OK; you’re OK ❌
- For example: “I screwed up and am utterly beyond redemption; you should immediately divorce/disown/dismiss/defenestrate me”
- I’m OK; you’re OK ✅
- For example: “I did do this thing which turned out to be incorrect; in my defence it was because you said xyz, but I can understand why you said that, because…” and generally finding a win-win outcome.
So far, so simple.
“I”-Messages
In a conflict, it’s easy to get caught up in “you did this, you did that”, often rushing to assumptions about intent or meaning. And, the closer we are to the person in question, the more emotionally charged, and the more likely we are to do this as a knee-jerk response.
“How could you treat me this way?!” if we are talking to our spouse in a heated moment, perhaps, or “How can you treat a customer this way?!” if it’s a worker at Home Depot.
But the reality is that almost certainly neither our spouse nor the worker wanted to upset us.
Going on the attack will merely put them on the defensive, and they may even launch their own counterattack. It’s not good for anyone.
Instead, what really happened? Express it starting with the word “I”, rather than immediately putting it on the other person. Often our emotions require a little interrogation before they’ll tell us the truth, but it may be something like:
“I expected x, so when you did/said y instead, I was confused and hurt/frustrated/angry/etc”
Bonus: if your partner also understands this kind of communication situation, so much the better! Dark psychology be damned, everything is best when everyone knows the playbook and everyone is seeking the best outcome for all sides.
The Most Powerful “I”-Message Of All
Statements that start with “I” will, unless you are rules-lawyering in bad faith, tend to be less aggressive and thus prompt less defensiveness. An important tool for the toolbox, is:
“I need…”
Softly spoken, firmly if necessary, but gentle. If you do not express your needs, how can you expect anyone to fulfil them? Be that person a partner or a retail worker or anyone else. Probably they want to end the conflict too, so throw them a life-ring and they will (if they can, and are at least halfway sensible) grab it.
- “I need an apology”
- “I need a moment to cool down”
- “I need a refund”
- “I need some reassurance about…” (and detail)
Help the other person to help you!
Everything’s best when it’s you (plural) vs the problem, rather than you (plural) vs each other.
Apology Checklist
Does anyone else remember being forced to write an insincere letter of apology as a child, and the literary disaster that probably followed? As adults, we (hopefully) apologize when and if we mean it, and we want our apology to convey that.
What follows will seem very formal, but honestly, we recommend it in personal life as much as professional. It’s a ten-step apology, and you will forget these steps, so we recommend to copy and paste them into a Notes app or something, because this is of immeasurable value.
It’s good not just for when you want to apologize, but also, for when it’s you who needs an apology and needs to feel it’s sincere. Give your partner (if applicable) a copy of the checklist too!
- Statement of apology—say “I’m sorry”
- Name the offense—say what you did wrong
- Take responsibility for the offense—understand your part in the problem
- Attempt to explain the offense (not to excuse it)—how did it happen and why
- Convey emotions; show remorse
- Address the emotions/damage to the other person—show that you understand or even ask them how it affected them
- Admit fault—understand that you got it wrong and like other human beings you make mistakes
- Promise to be better—let them realize you’re trying to change
- Tell them how you will try to do it different next time and finally
- Request acceptance of the apology
Note: just because you request acceptance of the apology doesn’t mean they must give it. Maybe they won’t, or maybe they need time first. If they’re playing from this same playbook, they might say “I need some time to process this first” or such.
Want to really superpower your relationship? Read this together with your partner:
Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, and, as a bonus:
The Hold Me Tight Workbook: A Couple’s Guide for a Lifetime of Love
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Eat to Beat Disease – by Dr. William Li
10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.
Dr. William Li asks the important question: is your diet feeding disease, or defeating it?
Because everything we put in our bodies makes our health just a little better—or just a little worse. Ok, sometimes a lot worse.
But for most people, when it comes to diet, it’s a death of a thousand cuts of unhealthy food. And that’s what he looks to fix with this book.
The good news: Dr. Li (while not advocating for unhealthy eating, of course), focuses less on what to restrict, and more on what to include. This book covers hundreds of such healthy foods, and ideas (practical, useful ones!) on incorporating them daily, including dozens of recipes.
He mainly looks at five ways our food can help us with…
- Angiogenesis (blood vessel replacement)
- Regeneration (of various bodily organs and systems)
- Microbiome health (and all of its knock-on effects)
- DNA protection (and thus slower cellular aging)
- Immunity (defending the body while also reducing autoimmune problems)
The style is simple and explanatory; Dr. Li is a great educator. Reading this isn’t a difficult read, but you’ll come out of it feeling like you just did a short course in health science.
Bottom line: if you’d like an easy way to improve your health in an ongoing and sustainable way, then this book can help you do just that.
Click here to check out Eat To Beat Disease, and eat to beat disease!
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What Do The Different Kinds Of Fiber Do? 30 Foods That Rank Highest
10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.
We’ve talked before about how important fiber is:
Why You’re Probably Not Getting Enough Fiber (And How To Fix It)
And even how it’s arguably the most important dietary factor when it comes to avoiding heart disease:
What Matters Most For Your Heart? Eat More (Of This) For Lower Blood Pressure ← Spoiler: it’s fiber
And yes, that’s even when considered alongside other (also laudable) dietary interventions such as lowering intake of sodium, various kinds of saturated fat, and red meat.
So, what should we know about fiber, aside from “aim to get nearer 40g/day instead of the US average 16g/day”?
Soluble vs Insoluble
The first main way that dietary fibers can be categorized is soluble vs insoluble. Part of the difference is obvious, but bear with us, because there’s more to know about each:
- Soluble fiber dissolves (what a surprise) in water and, which part is important, forms a gel. This slows down things going through your intestines, which is important for proper digestion and absorption of nutrients (as well as avoiding diarrhea). Yes, you heard right: getting enough of the right kind of fiber helps you avoid diarrhea.
- Insoluble fiber does not dissolve (how shocking) in water and thus mostly passes through undigested by us (some will actually be digested by gut microbes who subsist on this, and in return for us feeding them daily, they make useful chemicals for us). This kind of fiber is also critical for healthy bowel movements, because without it, constipation can ensue.
Both kinds of fiber improve just about every metric related to blood, including improving triglycerides and improving insulin sensitivity and blood glucose levels. Thus, they help guard against various kinds of cardiovascular disease, diabetes, and metabolic disease in general. Do note that because whatever’s good for your heart/blood is good for your brain (which requires a healthy heart and bloodstream to nourish it and take away waste), likely this also has a knock-on effect against cognitive decline, but we don’t have hard science for that claim so we’re going to leave that last item as a “likely”.
However, one thing’s for sure: if you want a healthy gut, heart, and brain, you need a good balance of soluble and insoluble fibers.
10 of the best for soluble fiber
Food Soluble Fiber Type(s) Soluble Fiber (g per serving) Insoluble Fiber Type(s) Insoluble Fiber (g per serving) Total Fiber (g per serving) Kidney beans (1 cup cooked) Pectin, Resistant Starch 1.5–2 Hemicellulose, Cellulose 6 8 Lentils (1 cup cooked) Pectin, Resistant Starch 1.5–2 Cellulose 6 7.5 Barley (1 cup cooked) Beta-glucan 3–4 Hemicellulose 2 6 Brussels sprouts (1 cup cooked) Pectin 1–1.5 Cellulose, Hemicellulose 2 3.5 Oats (1 cup cooked) Beta-glucan 2–3 Cellulose 1 3 Apples (1 medium) Pectin 1–2 Cellulose, Hemicellulose 2 3 Carrots (1 cup raw) Pectin 1–1.5 Cellulose, Hemicellulose 2 3 Citrus fruits (orange, 1 medium) Pectin 1–1.5 Cellulose 1 2.5 Flaxseeds (2 tbsp) Mucilage, Lignin 1–1.5 Cellulose 1 2.5 Psyllium husk (1 tbsp) Mucilage 3–4 Trace amounts 0 3–4 10 of the best for insoluble fiber
Food Soluble Fiber Type(s) Soluble Fiber (g per serving) Insoluble Fiber Type(s) Insoluble Fiber (g per serving) Total Fiber (g per serving) Wheat bran (1 cup) Trace amounts 0 Cellulose, Lignin 6–8 6–8 Black beans (1 cup cooked) Pectin, Resistant Starch 1.5 Cellulose 6 7.5 Brown rice (1 cup cooked) Trace amounts 0.5 Hemicellulose, Lignin 2–3 2.5–3.5 Popcorn (3 cups popped) Trace amounts 0.5 Hemicellulose 3 3.5 Broccoli (1 cup cooked) Pectin 1 Cellulose, Hemicellulose 4 5 Green beans (1 cup cooked) Trace amounts 0.5 Cellulose, Hemicellulose 3 3.5 Sweet potatoes (1 cup cooked) Pectin 1–1.5 Cellulose 3 4.5 Whole wheat bread (1 slice) Trace amounts 0.5 Cellulose, Hemicellulose 1 1.5 Pears (1 medium) Pectin 1 Cellulose, Hemicellulose 4 5 Almonds (1 oz) Trace amounts 0.5 Cellulose, Hemicellulose 2 2.5 10 of the best for a balance of both
Food Soluble Fiber Type(s) Soluble Fiber (g per serving) Insoluble Fiber Type(s) Insoluble Fiber (g per serving) Total Fiber (g per serving) Raspberries (1 cup) Pectin 1 Cellulose 5 6 Edamame (1 cup cooked) Pectin 1 Cellulose 5 6 Chia seeds (2 tbsp) Mucilage, Pectin 2–3 Lignin, Cellulose 3 5.5 Artichokes (1 medium) Inulin 1 Cellulose, Hemicellulose 5 6 Avocado (1 medium) Pectin ~2 Cellulose 4 6 Black beans (1 cup cooked) Pectin, Resistant Starch 1.5 Cellulose 6 7.5 Quinoa (1 cup cooked) Pectin, Saponins 1 Cellulose, Hemicellulose 3 4 Spinach (1 cup cooked) Pectin 0.5 Cellulose, Lignin 3 3.5 Prunes (1/2 cup) Pectin, Sorbitol 2 Cellulose 4 6 Figs (3 medium) Pectin 1 Cellulose 2 3 You’ll notice that the above “balance” is not equal; that’s ok; we need greater quantities of insoluble than soluble anyway, so it is as well that nature provides such.
This is the same kind of balance when we talk about “balanced hormones” (does not mean all hormones are in equal amounts; means they are in the right proportions) or “balanced microbiome” (does not mean that pathogens and friendly bacteria are in equal numbers), etc.
Some notes on the above:
About those fiber types, some of the most important soluble ones to aim for are:
- Beta-glucan: found in oats and barley, it supports heart health.
- Pectin: found in fruits like apples, citrus, and pears, it helps with cholesterol control.
- Inulin: a type of prebiotic fiber found in artichokes.
- Lignin: found in seeds and wheat bran, it has antioxidant properties.
- Resistant starch: found in beans and lentils, it acts as a prebiotic for gut health.
See also: When Is A Fiber Not A Fiber? The Food Additive You Do Want
One fiber to rule them all
Well, not entirely (we still need the others) but there is a best all-rounder:
The Best Kind Of Fiber For Overall Health?
Enjoy!
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The 7-Minute Morning Routine That Eliminates Stiffness
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The video title says “65+”, but honestly, if you are younger than that, and wait until you are 65 to attend to such things as mobility maintenance, then you’ll wish you’d started a long time previously!
So, today is always a good day to start, whatever your age.
A good way to start the day
The exercises do not, in fact, include the forwards bend depicted in the thumbnail. Rather, they are:
Exercise 1: toe wiggles (1 minute):
- while lying in bed, open and close your toes to improve foot mobility.
- this may seem silly and/or trivial, but it’s vital for overall mobility as foot health impacts daily movement, and your toes are responsible for a surprising amount when it comes to your posture, gait, etc.
Exercise 2: calf and hamstring stretch (1 minute):
- use a rolled-up towel (or similar non-stretchy long thing) to pull one foot towards you while straightening your leg.
- hold the stretch for 30 seconds per leg to relieve tightness in the calf or hamstring.
Exercise 3: knee flexion (1 minute):
- bend your knee as much as possible and pull your shin towards you.
- perform for 30 seconds per leg, gently easing into stiffness if necessary to improve knee mobility (i.e. if this is difficult at first).
Exercise 4: knee extension (1 minute):
- straighten one leg on the bed and press your knee down while pulling the toes up.
- hold for 5 seconds, repeat six times per leg, improving knee extension and strengthening the quads.
Exercise 5: hip flexion mobilization (1 minute):
- with your knees bent, pull one knee towards your chest and release in a rhythmic motion (see video for differences from #3)
- do 30 seconds per leg to improve hip mobility and loosen stiffness, especially beneficial for those with hip arthritis.
exercise 6: cat-cow stretch (1 minute):
- on all fours, alternate between arching your back (cat) and dipping it (cow).
- improves mobility in the neck, mid-back, and lower back.
exercise 7: shoulder and upper back stretch (1 minute):
- stand facing a wall, place your hands on the wall, and hinge at the hips to drop your torso between your arms.
- stretches lats, shoulders, and the upper back; do two 30-second holds..
Click Here If The Embedded Video Doesn’t Load Automatically!
Want to learn more?
You might also like:
Over 50? Do These 3 Stretches Every Morning To Avoid Pain
Take care!
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The Big Book of Kombucha – by Hannah Crum & Alex LaGory
10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.
If you’ve been thinking “I should get into kombucha”, then this is the universe prompting you, because with in this book’s 400 pages is all the information you need and more.
Because, it’s understandable to be wary when starting out, from “what if my jar explodes” to “what if I poison my family”, but the authors (and photographer) take every care to ensure that everything goes perfectly, guiding us through everything from start to finish, including very many high-quality color photos of what things should (and shouldn’t) look like.
On which note, that does mean that to enjoy the color you should get a physical copy or Kindle Fire, not a Kindle e-ink version (as then it’d be black and white).
There’s also a comprehensive section on troubleshooting, as well as hundreds of recipes for all kinds of flavors and occasions.
Bottom line: in the category of books that could reasonably be called “The Bible of…”, this one’s the “The Bible of Kombucha”.
Click here to check out The Big Book Of Kombucha, and get brewing!
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When And Why Do We Pick Up Our Phones?
10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.
The School of Life’s Alain de Botton makes the argument that—if we pay attention, if we keep track—there’s an understory to why we pick up our phones:
It’s not about information
Yes, our phones (or rather, the apps therein) are designed to addict us, to draw us back, to keep us scrolling and never let us go. We indeed seek out information like our ancestors once sought out berries; searching, encouraged by a small discovery, looking for more. The neurochemistry is similar.
But when we look at the “when” of picking up our phones, de Botton says, it tells a different story:
We pick them up not to find out what’s going on with the world, but rather specifically to not find out what’s going with ourselves. We pick them up to white out some anxiety we don’t want to examine, a line of thought we don’t want to go down, memories we don’t want to consider, futures we do not want to have to worry about.
And of course, phones do have a great educational potential, are an immensely powerful tool for accessing knowledge of many kinds—if only we can remain truly conscious while using them, and not take them as the new “opiate of the masses”.
De Botton bids us, when next we pick up our phone. ask a brave question:
“If I weren’t allowed to consult my phone right now, what might I need to think about?”
As for where from there? There’s more in the video:
Click Here If The Embedded Video Doesn’t Load Automatically!
Further reading
Making Social Media Work For Your Mental Health
Take care!
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Skin Care Down There (Incl. Butt Acne, Hyperpigmentation, & More)
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Dr. Sam Ellis, dermatologist, gives us the low-down:
Where the sun don’t shine
Common complaints and remedies that Dr. Ellis covers in this video include:
- Butt acne/folliculitis: most butt breakouts are actually folliculitis, not traditional acne. Folliculitis is caused by friction, sitting for long periods, or wearing tight clothes. Solutions include antimicrobial washes like benzoyl peroxide and changing sitting habits (i.e. to sit less)
- Keratosis pilaris: rough bumps around hair follicles can appear on the butt, often confused with acne.
- Boils and abscesses: painful, large lumps; these need medical attention for drainage.
- Hidradenitis suppurativa: recurrent painful cysts and boils in skin creases, often in the groin and buttocks. These require medical intervention and treatment.
- Ingrown hairs: are common in people who shave or wax. Treat with warm compresses and gentle exfoliants.
- Hyperpigmentation: is often caused by hormonal changes, friction, or other irritation. Laser hair removal and gentle chemical exfoliants can help.
In the event that the sun does, in fact, shine on your genitals (for example you sunbathe nude and have little or no pubic hair), then sun protection is essential to prevent further darkening (and also, incidentally, reduce the risk of cancer).
For more on all of this, plus a general introduction to skincare in the bikini zone (i.e. if everything’s fine there right now and you’d like to keep it that way), enjoy:
Click Here If The Embedded Video Doesn’t Load Automatically!
Want to learn more?
You might also like to read:
The Evidence-Based Skincare That Beats Product-Specific Hype
Take care!
Don’t Forget…
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