Seriously Useful Communication Skills!

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What Are Communication Skills, Really?

Superficially, communication is “conveying an idea to someone else”. But then again…

Superficially, painting is “covering some kind of surface in paint”, and yet, for some reason, the ceiling you painted at home is not regarded as equally “good painting skills” as Michaelangelo’s, with regard to the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.

All kinds of “Dark Psychology” enthusiasts on YouTube, authors of “Office Machiavelli” handbooks, etc, tell us that good communication skills are really a matter of persuasive speaking (or writing). And let’s not even get started on “pick-up artist” guides. Bleugh.

Not to get too philosophical, but here at 10almonds, we think that having good communication skills means being able to communicate ideas simply and clearly, and in a way that will benefit as many people as possible.

The implications of this for education are obvious, but what of other situations?

Conflict Resolution

Whether at work or at home or amongst friends or out in public, conflict will happen at some point. Even the most well-intentioned and conscientious partners, family, friends, colleagues, will eventually tread on our toes—or we, on theirs. Often because of misunderstandings, so much precious time will be lost needlessly. It’s good for neither schedule nor soul.

So, how to fix those situations?

I’m OK; You’re OK

In the category of “bestselling books that should have been an article at most”, a top-tier candidate is Thomas Harris’s “I’m OK; You’re OK”.

The (very good) premise of this (rather padded) book is that when seeking to resolve a conflict or potential conflict, we should look for a win-win:

  • I’m not OK; you’re not OK ❌
    • For example: “Yes, I screwed up and did this bad thing, but you too do bad things all the time”
  • I’m OK; you’re not OK ❌
    • For example: “It is not I who screwed up; this is actually all your fault”
  • I’m not OK; you’re OK ❌
    • For example: “I screwed up and am utterly beyond redemption; you should immediately divorce/disown/dismiss/defenestrate me”
  • I’m OK; you’re OK ✅
    • For example: “I did do this thing which turned out to be incorrect; in my defence it was because you said xyz, but I can understand why you said that, because…” and generally finding a win-win outcome.

So far, so simple.

“I”-Messages

In a conflict, it’s easy to get caught up in “you did this, you did that”, often rushing to assumptions about intent or meaning. And, the closer we are to the person in question, the more emotionally charged, and the more likely we are to do this as a knee-jerk response.

“How could you treat me this way?!” if we are talking to our spouse in a heated moment, perhaps, or “How can you treat a customer this way?!” if it’s a worker at Home Depot.

But the reality is that almost certainly neither our spouse nor the worker wanted to upset us.

Going on the attack will merely put them on the defensive, and they may even launch their own counterattack. It’s not good for anyone.

Instead, what really happened? Express it starting with the word “I”, rather than immediately putting it on the other person. Often our emotions require a little interrogation before they’ll tell us the truth, but it may be something like:

“I expected x, so when you did/said y instead, I was confused and hurt/frustrated/angry/etc”

Bonus: if your partner also understands this kind of communication situation, so much the better! Dark psychology be damned, everything is best when everyone knows the playbook and everyone is seeking the best outcome for all sides.

The Most Powerful “I”-Message Of All

Statements that start with “I” will, unless you are rules-lawyering in bad faith, tend to be less aggressive and thus prompt less defensiveness. An important tool for the toolbox, is:

“I need…”

Softly spoken, firmly if necessary, but gentle. If you do not express your needs, how can you expect anyone to fulfil them? Be that person a partner or a retail worker or anyone else. Probably they want to end the conflict too, so throw them a life-ring and they will (if they can, and are at least halfway sensible) grab it.

  • “I need an apology”
  • “I need a moment to cool down”
  • “I need a refund”
  • “I need some reassurance about…” (and detail)

Help the other person to help you!

Everything’s best when it’s you (plural) vs the problem, rather than you (plural) vs each other.

Apology Checklist

Does anyone else remember being forced to write an insincere letter of apology as a child, and the literary disaster that probably followed? As adults, we (hopefully) apologize when and if we mean it, and we want our apology to convey that.

What follows will seem very formal, but honestly, we recommend it in personal life as much as professional. It’s a ten-step apology, and you will forget these steps, so we recommend to copy and paste them into a Notes app or something, because this is of immeasurable value.

It’s good not just for when you want to apologize, but also, for when it’s you who needs an apology and needs to feel it’s sincere. Give your partner (if applicable) a copy of the checklist too!

  1. Statement of apology—say “I’m sorry”
  2. Name the offense—say what you did wrong
  3. Take responsibility for the offense—understand your part in the problem
  4. Attempt to explain the offense (not to excuse it)—how did it happen and why
  5. Convey emotions; show remorse
  6. Address the emotions/damage to the other person—show that you understand or even ask them how it affected them
  7. Admit fault—understand that you got it wrong and like other human beings you make mistakes
  8. Promise to be better—let them realize you’re trying to change
  9. Tell them how you will try to do it different next time and finally
  10. Request acceptance of the apology

Note: just because you request acceptance of the apology doesn’t mean they must give it. Maybe they won’t, or maybe they need time first. If they’re playing from this same playbook, they might say “I need some time to process this first” or such.

Want to really superpower your relationship? Read this together with your partner:

Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, and, as a bonus:

The Hold Me Tight Workbook: A Couple’s Guide for a Lifetime of Love

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Recommended

  • When You “Can’t Complain”
  • Owning Your Weight – by Henri Marcoux
    Dr. Marcoux’s approach to weight is refreshing – focusing on our relationship with food and offering practical advice for a lower-stress, healthier lifestyle.

Learn to Age Gracefully

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  • Dr. Patrick Walsh’s Guide to Surviving Prostate Cancer – by Dr. Patrick Walsh & Janet Farrar Worthington

    10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.

    Prostate cancer is not glamorous or fun, and neither is this book.

    Nevertheless, it’s a disease that affects 12% of men in general, and 60% of men aged 60+, with that percentage climbing every year after that.

    So, if you have a prostate or love someone who has one, this book is worthwhile reading—yes, even as a preventative.

    Like many cancers, prostate cancer is easy to treat if caught very early, becomes harder to treat as it goes, and almost impossible to cure if it gets as far as metastasis (i.e., it spread). Like all cancers, it’s better off avoided entirely if possible.

    This book covers all the stages:

    • How to avoid it
    • How to check for it
    • How to “nip it in the bud”
    • Why some might want to delay treatment (!)
    • What options are available afterwards

    This latter is quite extensive, and covers not just surgery, but radiation, thermo- or cryoablation, and hormone therapy.

    And as for surgery, not just “remove the tumor”, but other options like radical prostatectomy, and even orchiectomy. Not many men will choose to have their testicles removed to stop them from feeding the prostate, but the point is that this book is comprehensive.

    It’s asking whenever possible “is there another option?” and exploring all options, with information and without judgment, at each stage.

    The writing style (likely co-author Worthington’s influence; she is an award-winning science-writer) is very “for the layman”, and that’s really helpful in demystifying a lot of what can be quite opaque in the field of oncology.

    Bottom line: absolutely not an enjoyable read, but a potentially lifesaving one, especially given the odds we mentioned up top.

    Click here to check out Dr. Patrick Walsh’s Guide To Surviving Prostate Cancer, and be prepared!

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  • What You Should Have Been Told About The Menopause Beforehand

    10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.

    What You Should Have Been Told About Menopause Beforehand

    Dr. Jen Gunter provides important information on menopause.

    This is Dr. Jen Gunter. She’s a gynecologist, specializing in chronic pain and vulvovaginal disorders. She’s also a woman on a mission to demystify things that popular culture, especially in the US, would rather not talk about.

    When was the last time you remember the menopause being referenced in a movie or TV show? If you can think of one at all, was it just played for laughs?

    And of course, the human body can be funny, so that’s not necessarily the problem, but it sure would be nice if that weren’t all that there is!

    So, what does Dr. Gunter want us to know?

    It’s a time of changes, not an end

    The name “menopause” is misleading. It’s not a “pause”, and those menses aren’t coming back.

    And yet, to call it a “menostop” would be differently misleading, because there’s a lot more going on than a simple cessation of menstruation.

    Estrogen levels will drop a lot, testosterone levels may rise slightly, mood and sleep and appetite and sex drive will probably be affected (progesterone can improve all these things!) and not to mention but we’re going to mention: vaginal atrophy, which is very normal and very treatable with a topical estrogen cream. Untreated menopause can also bring a whole lot of increased health risks (for example, heart disease, osteoporosis, and, counterintuitively given the lower estrogen levels, breast cancer).

    However, with a little awareness and appropriate management, all these things can usually be navigated with minimal adverse health outcomes.

    Dr Gunter, for this reason, refers to it interchangeably as “the menopausal transition”. She describes it as being less like a cliff edge we fall off, and more like a bridge we cross.

    Bridges can be dangerous to cross! But they can also get us safely where we’re going.

    Ok, so how do we manage those things?

    Dr. Gunter is a big fan of evidence-based medicine, so we’ll not be seeing any yonic crystals or jade eggs. Or “goop”.

    See also: Meet Goop’s Number One Enemy

    For most people, she recommends Menopausal Hormone Therapy (MHT), which falls under the more general category of Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT).

    This is the most well-evidenced, science-based way to avoid most of the risks associated with menopause.

    Nevertheless, there are scare-stories out there, ranging from painful recommencement of bleeding, to (once again) increased risk of breast cancer. However, most of these are either misunderstandings, or unrelated to menopause and MHT, and are rather signs of other problems that should not be ignored.

    To get a good grounding in this, you might want to read her Hormone Therapy Guide, freely available as a standalone section on her website. This series of posts is dedicated to hormone therapy. It starts with some basics and builds on that knowledge with each post:

    Dr. Gunter’s Guide To The Hormone Menoverse

    What about natural therapies?

    There are some non-hormonal things that work, but these are mostly things that:

    • give a statistically significant reduction in symptoms
    • give the same statistically significant reduction in symptoms as placebo

    As Dr. Gunter puts it:

    ❝While most of the studies of prescription medications for hot flashes have an appropriate placebo arm, this is rarely the case with so-called alternative therapies.

    In fact, the studies here are almost always low quality, so it’s often not possible to conclude much.

    Many reviews that look at these studies often end with a line that goes something like, “Randomized trials with a placebo arm, a low risk of bias, and adequate sample sizes are urgently needed.”

    You should interpret this kind of conclusion as the polite way of saying, “We need studies that aren’t BS to say something constructive.”❞

    ~ Gunter, 2023

    However, if it works, it works, whatever its mechanism. It’s just good, when making medical decisions, to do so with the full facts!

    For that matter, even Dr. Gunter acknowledges that while MHT can be lifechanging (in a positive way) for many, it’s not for everyone:

    Informed Decisions: When Menopause Hormone Therapy Isn’t Recommended

    Want to know more?

    Dr. Gunter also has an assortment of books available, including The Menopause Manifesto (which we’ve reviewed previously), and some others that we haven’t, such as “Blood” and “The Vagina Bible”.

    Enjoy!

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  • A Surprisingly Powerful Tool: Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing

    10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.

    Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing (EMDR)

    What skeletons are in your closet? As life goes on, most of accumulate bad experiences as well as good ones, to a greater or lesser degree. From clear cases of classic PTSD, to the widely underexamined many-headed beast that is C-PTSD*, our past does affect our present. Is there, then, any chance for our future being different?

    *PTSD is typically associated with military veterans, for example, or sexual assault survivors. There was a clear, indisputable, Bad Thing™ that was experienced, and it left a psychological scar. When something happens to remind us of that—say, there are fireworks, or somebody touches us a certain way—it’ll trigger an immediate strong response of some kind.

    These days the word “triggered” has been popularly misappropriated to mean any adverse emotional reaction, often to something trivial.

    But, not all trauma is so clear. If PTSD refers to the result of that one time you were smashed with a sledgehammer, C-PTSD (Complex PTSD) refers to the result of having been hit with a rolled-up newspaper every few days for fifteen years, say.

    This might have been…

    • childhood emotional neglect
    • a parent with a hair-trigger temper
    • bullying at school
    • extended financial hardship as a young adult
    • “just” being told or shown all too often that your best was never good enough
    • the persistent threat (real or imagined) of doom of some kind
    • the often-reinforced idea that you might lose everything at any moment

    If you’re reading this list and thinking “that’s just life though”, you might be in the estimated 1 in 5 people with (often undiagnosed) C-PTSD.

    For more on C-PTSD, see our previous main feature:

    PTSD, But, Well…. Complex

    So, what does eye movement have to do with this?

    Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing (EMDR) is a therapeutic technique whereby a traumatic experience (however small or large; it could be the memory of that one time you said something very regrettable, or it could be some horror we couldn’t describe here) is recalled, and then “detoothed” by doing a bit of neurological jiggery-pokery.

    How the neurological jiggery-pokery works:

    By engaging the brain in what’s called bilateral stimulation (which can be achieved in various ways, but a common one is moving the eyes rapidly from side to side, hence the name), the event can be re-processed, in much the same way that we do when dreaming, and relegated safely to the past.

    This doesn’t mean you’ll forget the event; you’d need to do different exercises for that.

    See also our previous main feature:

    The Dark Side Of Memory (And How To Make Your Life Better)

    That’s not the only aspect of EMDR, though…

    EMDR is not just about recalling traumatic events while moving your eyes from side-to-side. What an easy fix that would be! There’s a little more to it.

    The process also involves (ideally with the help of a trained professional) examining what other memories, thoughts, feelings, come to mind while doing that. Sometimes, a response we have today associated with, for example, a feeling of helplessness, or rage in conflict, or shame, or anything really, can be connected to previous instances of feeling the same thing. And, each of those events will reinforce—and be reinforced by—the others.

    An example of this could be an adult who struggles with substance abuse (perhaps alcohol, say), using it as a crutch to avoid feelings of [insert static here; we don’t know what the feelings are because they’re being avoided], that were first created by, and gradually snowballed from, some adverse reaction to something they did long ago as a child, then reinforced at various times later in life, until finally this adult doesn’t know what to do, but they do know they must hide it at all costs, or suffer the adverse reaction again. Which obviously isn’t a way to actually overcome anything.

    EMDR, therefore, seeks to not just “detooth” a singular traumatic memory, but rather, render harmless the whole thread of memories.

    Needless to say, this kind of therapy can be quite an emotionally taxing experience, so again, we recommend trying it only under the guidance of a professional.

    Is this an evidence-based approach?

    Yes! It’s not without its controversy, but that’s how it is in the dog-eat-dog world of academia in general and perhaps psychotherapy in particular. To give a note to some of why it has some controversy, here’s a great freely-available paper that presents “both sides” (it’s more than two sides, really); the premises and claims, the criticisms, and explanations for why the criticisms aren’t necessarily actually problems—all by a wide variety of independent research teams:

    Research on Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing (EMDR) as a Treatment for PTSD

    To give an idea of the breadth of applications for EMDR, and the evidence of the effectiveness of same, here are a few additional studies/reviews (there are many):

    As for what the American Psychiatric Association says about it:

    ❝After assessing the 120 outcome studies pertaining to the focus areas, we conclude that for two of the areas (i.e., PTSD in children and adolescents and EMDR early interventions research) the strength of the evidence is rated at the highest level, whereas the other areas obtain the second highest level.❞

    Source: The current status of EMDR therapy, specific target areas, and goals for the future

    Want to learn more?

    To learn a lot more than we could include here, check out the APA’s treatment guidelines (they are written in a fashion that is very accessible to a layperson):

    APA | Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) Therapy

    Take care!

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Related Posts

  • When You “Can’t Complain”
  • Holding Back The Clock on Aging

    10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.

    Holding Back The Clock on Aging

    Dr. Eric Verdin specializes in Holding Back The Clock, with a focus on Aging.

    This is Dr. Eric Verdin, President and CEO of the Buck Institute of Research on Aging. He’s also held faculty positions at the University of Brussels, the NIH, and the Picower Institute for Medical Research. Dr. Verdin is also a professor of medicine at University of California, San Francisco.

    Dr. Verdin’s laboratory focuses on the role of epigenetic regulators (especially the behaviors of certain enzymes) in the aging process. He studies how metabolism, diet, and chemical factors regulate the aging process and its associated diseases, including Alzheimer’s.

    He has published more than 210 scientific papers and holds more than 15 patents. He is a highly cited scientist and has been recognized for his research with a Glenn Award for Research in Biological Mechanisms of Aging.

    And that’s just what we could fit here! Basically, he knows his stuff.

    What we can do

    Dr. Verdin’s position is bold, but rooted in evidence:

    ❝Lifestyle is responsible for about 93% of our longevity—only about 7% is genetics. Based on the data, if implementing health lifestyle choices, most people could live to 95 in good health. So there’s 15 to 17 extra years of healthy life that is up for grabs❞

    ~ Dr. Eric Verdin

    See for example:

    How we can do it

    Well, we all know “the big five”:

    • Good diet (Mediterranean Diet as usual is recommended)
    • Good exercise (more on this in a moment)
    • Good sleep (more on this in a moment)
    • Avoid alcohol (not controversial)
    • Don’t smoke (need we say more)

    When it comes to exercise, generally recognized as good is at least 150 minutes per week of moderate intensity exercise (for example, a brisk walk, or doing the gardening), and at least three small sessions a week of high intensity exercise, unless contraindicated by some medical condition.

    As for Dr. Verdin’s take on this…

    What Dr. Verdin recommends is:

    • make it personalized
    • make it pre-emptive
    • make it better

    The perfect exercise plan is only perfect if you actually do it. And if you actually can do it, for that matter.

    Prevention is so much better (and easier) than cure for a whole array of maladies. So while there may be merit in thinking “what needs fixing”, Dr. Verdin encourages us to take extra care to not neglect factors of our health that seem “good enough”. Because, give them time and neglect, and they won’t be!

    Wherever we’re at in life and health, there’s always at least some little way we could make it a bit better. Dr. Verdin advises us to seek out those little improvements, even if it’s just a nudge better here, a nudge better there, all those nudges add up!

    About sleep…

    It’s perhaps the easiest one to neglect (writer’s note: as a writer, I certainly feel that way!), but his biggest take-away tip for this is:

    Worry less about what time you set an alarm for in the morning. Instead, set an alarm for the evening—to remind you when to go to bed.

    Want to hear directly from the man himself?

    Here he is speaking on progress we can expect for the next decade in the field of aging research, as part of the 100 Minutes of Longevity session at The Longevity Forum, a few months ago:

    !

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  • The Immune System Recovery Plan – by Dr. Susan Blum

    10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.

    The subtitle of the book is “A Doctor’s 4-Step Program to Treat Autoimmune Disease”, so we’ll not keep the four steps a secret; they are:

    1. Using food as medicine
    2. Understanding the stress connection
    3. Healing your gut and digestive system
    4. Optimizing liver function

    Each of these sections gives a primer in the relevant science, worksheets for personalizing your own plan to your own situation, condition, and goals, and of course lots of practical advice.

    This is important and perhaps the book’s greatest strength, since there are dozens of possible autoimmune conditions, and getting a professional diagnosis is often a long, arduous process. So while this book can’t necessarily speed that up, what it can do is give you a good head-start on managing your symptoms based on things that are most likely to help, and certainly, there will be no harm trying.

    While it’s not primarily a recipe book, there are also recipes targeting each part of the whole, as well as an extensive herb and supplement guide, before getting into lots of additional resources.

    Bottom line: if you are, or suspect you are, suffering from an autoimmune condition, the information in this book can make your life a lot easier.

    Click here to check out The Immune System Recovery Plan, and help yours to help you!

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  • Microplastics found in artery plaque linked with higher risk of heart attack, stroke and death

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    Microplastics and nanoplastics are everywhere in our environment – including in our oceans and lakes, farmland, and even Arctic ice algae.

    Microplastics have also been found inside of us – with studies detecting them in various tissues including in the lungs, blood, heart and placenta. Understandably, concern is rising about the potential risks of microplastics on our health.

    However, while a growing body of research has focused on microplastics and nanoplastics, there’s still a lack of direct evidence that their presence in human tissues is harmful to our health – and it’s uncertain if they are related to particular diseases.

    A new study has uncovered a correlation between microplastics and heart health, though. The researchers found that people who had detectable microplastics and nanoplastics in the plaque in their arteries had a higher risk of heart attack, stroke and death.

    Heart health

    The researchers looked at 257 people altogether. All of the patients were already undergoing preventative surgery to remove plaque from their carotid arteries (the main arteries that supply the brain with blood). This allowed the researchers to collect plaque samples and perform a chemical analysis. They then followed up with participants 34 months later.

    Of the 257 participants, 150 were found to have the presence of microplastics and nanoplastics in their arterial plaque – mainly fragments of two of the most commonly used plastics in the world, polyethylene (used in grocery bags, bottles and food packaging) and polyvinyl chloride (used in flooring, cladding and pipes).

    A statistical analysis of this data found that patients with microplastics and nanoplastics in their plaque had a higher risk of suffering a heart attack, stroke or death from any cause, compared with those who had no microplastics or nanoplastics in their plaque.

    The researchers also analysed the macrophages (a type of immune cell that helps remove pathogens from the body) in the patients’ arteries. They found that participants who’d had microplastics and nanoplastics in their plaque also had evidence of plastic fragments in their macrophages.

    They also looked at whether certain genes associated with inflammation (which can be a sign of disease) were switched on in the participants. They found that the participants who’d had microplastics and nanoplastics in their plaque also had signs of inflammation in their genes.

    A digital drawing of plaque in an artery.
    The microplastics were found in samples of plaque extracted from the carotid artery. Rocos/ Shutterstock

    These results may suggest an accumulation of nanoplastics and microplastics in carotid plaque could partly trigger inflammation. This inflammation may subsequently change the way plaque behaves in the body, making it less stable and triggering it to form a blood clot – which can eventually block blood flow, leading to heart attacks and strokes.

    Interestingly, the researchers also found the presence of nanoplastics and microplastics was more common in participants who had diabetes and cardiovascular disease. This raises a lot of questions which have yet to be answered – such as why microplastics were more common in these participants, and if there may be a correlation between other diseases and the presence of microplastics in the body.

    Other health risks

    This study only focused on patients who had carotid artery disease and were already having surgery to remove the build-up of plaque. As such, it’s unclear whether the findings of this study can be applied to a larger population of people.

    However, it isn’t the first study to show a link between microplastics and nanoplastics with poor health. Research suggests some of this harm may be due to the way microplastics and nanoplastics interact with proteins in the body.

    For example, some human proteins adhere to the surface of polystyrene nanoplastics, forming a layer surrounding the nanoparticle. The formation of this layer may influence the activity and transfer of nanoplastics in human organs.

    Another study suggested that nanoplastics can interact with a protein called alpha-synuclein, which in mouse studies has been shown to play a crucial role in facilitating communication between nerve cells. These clumps of nanoplastics and protein may increase the risk of Parkinson’s disease.

    My published PhD research in chicken embryos found that nanoplastics may cause congenital malformations due to the way they interact with a protein called cadherin6B. Based on the interactions myself and fellow researchers saw, these malformations may affect the embryo’s eyes and neural tube, as well as the heart’s development and function.

    Given the fact that nanoplastics and microplastics are found in carotid plaque, we now need to investigate how these plastics got into such tissues.

    In mice, it has been demonstrated that gut macrophages (a type of white blood cell) can absorb microplastics and nanoplastics into their cell membrane. Perhaps a similar mechanism is taking place in the arteries, since nanoplastics have been identified in samples of carotid plaque macrophages.

    The findings from this latest study add to a growing body of evidence showing a link between plastic products and our health. It is important now for researchers to investigate the specific mechanisms by which microplastics and nanoplastics cause harm in the body.

    Meiru Wang, Postdoctoral Researcher, Molecular Biology and Nanotoxicology, Leiden University

    This article is republished from The Conversation under a Creative Commons license. Read the original article.

    The Conversation

    Don’t Forget…

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    Learn to Age Gracefully

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