Psychology Sunday: Family Estrangement & How To Fix It
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Estrangement, And How To Heal It
We’ve written before about how deleterious to the health loneliness and isolation can be, and what things can be done about it. Today, we’re tackling a related but different topic.
We recently had a request to write about…
❝Reconciliation of relationships in particular estrangement mother adult daughter❞
And, this is not only an interesting topic, but a very specific one that affects more people than is commonly realized!
In fact, a recent 800-person study found that more than 43% of people experienced family estrangement of one sort or another, and a more specific study of more than 2,000 mother-child pairs found that more than 11% of mothers were estranged from at least one adult child.
So, if you think of the ten or so houses nearest to you, probably at least one of them contains a parent estranged from at least one adult child. Maybe it’s yours. Either way, we hope this article will give you some pause for thought.
Which way around?
It makes a difference to the usefulness of this article whether any given reader experiencing estrangement is the parent or the adult child. We’re going to assume the reader is the parent. It also makes a difference who did the estranging. That’s usually the adult child.
So, we’re broadly going to write with that expectation.
Why does it happen?
When our kids are small, we as parents hold all the cards. It may not always feel that way, but we do. We control our kids’ environment, we influence their learning, we buy the food they eat and the clothes they wear. If they want to go somewhere, we probably have to take them. We can even set and enforce rules on a whim.
As they grow, so too does their independence, and it can be difficult for us as parents to relinquish control, but we’re going to have to at some point. Assuming we are good parents, we just hope we’ve prepared them well enough for the world.
Once they’ve flown the nest and are living their own adult lives, there’s an element of inversion. They used to be dependent on us; now, not only do they not need us (this is a feature not a bug! If we have been good parents, they will be strong without us, and in all likelihood one day, they’re going to have to be), but also…
We’re more likely to need them, now. Not just in the “oh if we have kids they can look after us when we’re old” sense, but in that their social lives are growing as ours are often shrinking, their family growing, while ours, well, it’s the same family but they’re the gatekeepers to that now.
If we have a good relationship, this goes fine. However, it might only take one big argument, one big transgression, or one “final straw”, when the adult child decides the parent is more trouble than they’re worth.
And, obviously, that’s going to hurt. But it’s pretty much how it pans out, according to studies:
Here be science: Tensions in the Parent and Adult Child Relationship: Links to Solidarity and Ambivalence
How to fix it, step one
First, figure out what went wrong.
Resist any urge to protect your own feelings with a defensive knee-jerk “I don’t know; I was a good, loving parent”. That’s a very natural and reasonable urge and you’re quite possibly correct, but it won’t help you here.
Something pushed them away. And, it will almost certainly have been a push factor from you, not a pull factor from whoever is in their life now. It’s easy to put the blame externally, but that won’t fix anything.
And, be honest with yourself; this isn’t a job interview where we have to present a strength dressed up as a “greatest weakness” for show.
You can start there, though! If you think “I was too loving”, then ok, how did you show that love? Could it have felt stifling to them? Controlling? Were you critical of their decisions?
It doesn’t matter who was right or wrong, or even whether or not their response was reasonable. It matters that you know what pushed them away.
How to fix it, step two
Take responsibility, and apologize. We’re going to assume that your estrangement is such that you can, at least, still get a letter to them, for example. Resist the urge to argue your case.
Here’s a very good format for an apology; please consider using this template:
The 10-step (!) apology that’s so good, you’ll want to make a note of it
You may have to do some soul-searching to find how you will avoid making the same mistake in the future, that you did in the past.
If you feel it’s something you “can’t change”, then you must decide what is more important to you. Only you can make that choice, but you cannot expect them to meet you halfway. They already made their choice. In the category of negotiation, they hold all the cards now.
How to fix it, step three
Now, just wait.
Maybe they will reply, forgiving you. If they do, celebrate!
Just be aware that once you reconnect is not the time to now get around to arguing your case from before. It will never be the time to get around to arguing your case from before. Let it go.
Nor should you try to exact any sort of apology from them for estranging you, or they will at best feel resentful, wonder if they made a mistake in reconnecting, and withdraw.
Instead, just enjoy what you have. Many people don’t get that.
If they reply with anger, maybe it will be a chance to reopen a dialogue. If so, family therapy could be an approach useful for all concerned, if they are willing. Chances are, you all have things that you’d all benefit from talking about in a calm, professional, moderated, neutral environment.
You might also benefit from a book we reviewed previously, “Parent Effectiveness Training”. This may seem like “shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted”, but in fact it’s a very good guide to relationship dynamics in general, and extensively covers relations between parents and adult children.
If they don’t reply, then, you did your part. Take solace in knowing that much.
Some final thoughts:
At the end of the day, as parents, our kids living well is (hopefully) testament to that we prepared them well for life, and sometimes, being a parent is a thankless task.
But, we (hopefully) didn’t become parents for the plaudits, after all.
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A New Tool For Bone Regeneration
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When it comes to rebuilding bones, one of the tools in the orthopedic surgeon’s toolbox is bone grafts. This involves, to oversimplify it a bit, gluing particles of bone to where bone needs rebuilding. However, this comes with problems, most notably:
- that the bone tissue and the adhesive “glue” need to be prepared separately and mixed in situ, which is fiddly, to say the least
- that the resultant mixture mixed in situ will usually be unevenly mixed, resulting in weak bonding and degradation over time
- having any more of one part or the other in any given site means that bone regeneration and adhesion become a “pick one” matter, when both are critically needed
You may be wondering: why can’t they mix them before putting them in?
And the answer is: because then either the glue will set the bone prematurely (and now we have a clump of bone outside of the body which is not what we wanted), or else the glue will have issues with setting in situ, and now we have bone tissue running down the inside of someone’s leg and setting somewhere else, which is also not what we want.
These kinds of problems may seem a little more “arts and crafts” than “orthopedic surgery”, but they are the kind of nitty-gritty real-life real challenges that actually get in the way of healing patients’ bones.
The new solution
Biomaterial research scientists have developed an injectable hydrogel (containing all the necessary ingredients* that uses light to achieve cross-linking of bone particles and mineralization without any of the above being necessary. In again oversimplified terms: they inject the hydrogel where it’s needed, and then irradiate the site with harmless visible light which instantly sets it in place. As to how the light gets in there: it’s just very shiny, like candling an egg to see inside, or like how you can still approximately see bright light even with your eyes closed.
*alginate (natural polysaccharide derived from brown algae), RGD peptide-containing mussel** adhesive protein, calcium ions, phosphonodiols, and a photoinitiator.
**unclear whether this would trigger a shellfish allergy. Probably kosher per “פיקוח נפש” and Talmud Yoma 85b, but we are a health science newsletter, not Talmudic scholars, so please talk to your Rabbi. Probably halal per Qur’an 5:4 and failing that, the same principle as previously mentioned, expressed in Qur’an 5:3 and 6:119, but once again, your humble writer here is no Mufti, so please talk to your Imam. As for if you are vegetarian or vegan, then that is for you to decide whether to take a “medications with animal ingredients are unfortunate but necessary” stance, as most do. This vegan writer would (she’d grumble about it, though, and at least try to find an acceptable alternative first).
Back to the more general practicalities…
How it works, in less oversimplified terms:
❝The coacervate-based formulation, which is immiscible in water, ensures that the hydrogel retains its shape and position after injection into the body. Upon visible light irradiation, cross-linking occurs, and amorphous calcium phosphate, which functions as a bone graft material, is simultaneously formed. This eliminates the need for separate bone grafts or adhesives, enabling the hydrogel to provide both bone regeneration and adhesion.❞
“That’s great, but I was hoping for something I can do right now, ideally at home”
If getting glued back together was not on your bucket list, that’s understandable. There’s still a lot you can do for bone density; here’s a quick overview:
- Get it checked. Yes, this first, if you haven’t already! You want a basis for comparison later. Book a bone density scan. See for example this case study with bone density scans at each end: 21% Stronger Bones in a Year at 62? Yes, It’s Possible (No Calcium Supplements Needed!)
- Enjoy a diet rich in calcium and vitamin D yes, but be aware that you can have too much of a good thing, and doing so will result in more harm than good, including (paradoxically) for your bones. See: Vitamin D + Calcium: Too Much Of A Good Thing?
- Enjoy a diet rich is phosphorus, potassium, and magnesium, which things are also necessary for bone health, and in which people are much more likely to be deficient (especially magnesium). If you’re going to supplement, then there are very big difference in the efficacy of different kinds of magnesium supplement (brace yourself; the cheapest and most common kind barely does anything at all). See: Which Magnesium? (And: When?)
- Enjoy a diet rich in high quality protein—collagen is very useful, but if you want a plant-based approach, don’t worry, our body can and will make it for yourself if you give it a hand—and vitamin C to help its absorption, as well as glycine if you’re going the no-animals route. See: Collagen For Bones: We Are Such Stuff As Fish Are Made Of and: The Sweet Truth About Glycine: Making Your Collagen Work Better
- Consider medication, if your bone density is already lower than what it should be. There are meds to stop further deterioration, and different meds to encourage your body to rebuild bone. However, there are downsides to each of them: Which Osteoporosis Medication, If Any, Is Right For You?
- While we’re on the topic of medications, consider bioidentical HRT if you are female and not otherwise producing your own estrogen and progesterone in adequate quantities to maintain your skeletal integrity: HRT: A Tale Of Two Approaches
- Look after your gut too! So much starts there: Is Your Gut Leading You Into Osteoporosis? Bacterioides Vulgatus & Bone Health
- Lastly, exercise, but exercise right, because with insufficient resistance exercise your bones will not “think” they need to remain strong, and with the wrong kind of resistance exercise, you could break/compress your bones if they are already weak, so check out: Osteoporosis & Exercises: Which To Do (And Which To Avoid)
Too much information?
If that was too much information all at once, then we recommend this as your one-stop article:
The Bare-Bones Truth About Osteoporosis
Want more information?
We are but a humble newsletter and can only include so much per day, but we highly recommend this book we reviewed a little while back, which goes into everything in a lot more detail than we can here:
Enjoy!
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Kidney Beans vs Pinto Beans – Which is Healthier?
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Our Verdict
When comparing kidney beans to pinto beans, we picked the pinto.
Why?
Looking at the macros first, pinto beans have slightly more protein and carbs, and a lot more fiber, making them the all-round “more food per food” choice.
In the vitamins category, kidney beans have more of vitamins B3, C, and K, while pinto beans have more of vitamins B1, B2, B6, B9, E, and choline; another win for pinto beans. In kidney beans’ defense though, with the exception of vitamin E (31x more in pinto beans) the margins of difference are small for the rest of these vitamins, making kidney beans a close runner-up. Still, at least a nominal win for pinto beans here, by the numbers.
When it comes to minerals, kidney beans are not higher in any minerals, while pinto beans have more calcium, copper, magnesium, manganese, phosphorus, potassium, and selenium. In kidney beans’ defense, though, with the exception of selenium (5–6x more in pinto beans) the margins of difference are small for the rest of these minerals, making kidney beans a fine choice here too. Once again though, a winner is declarable here by the numbers, and it’s pinto beans.
Adding up the three wins makes for one big win for pinto beans. Still, enjoy either or both, because kidney beans are great too, and so is diversity!
Want to learn more?
You might like to read:
What’s Your Plant Diversity Score?
Take care!
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The Minerals That Neutralize Viruses (While Being Harmless To Humans)
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Researchers in Estonia and Sweden (it was a joint project, with five researchers from each country) have found a way to use titanium dioxide nanoparticles to neutralize viruses, including COVID & flu.
Titanium dioxide, yes, the common additive to foods, cosmetics, and more (in most cases, added as a non-bleaching whitening agent—simply, titanium dioxide is body-safe, white in color, and very reflective, making it a brilliant, shiny white). Also used in sunscreens, for its excellent safety profile and again, its full-spectrum reflectiveness.
See also: Who Screens The Sunscreens?
How it works
Some viruses, including coronaviruses and influenza viruses, have an outer layer that’s a lipid membrane. The researchers found (by testing against multiple viruses, and by using a control of silicotungstate polyoxymethalate nanoparticles), that the ability of titanium dioxide to bind to phospholipids (and ability that the silicotungstate polyoxymethalate doesn’t have) means that the nanoparticles bind to the virus’s outer case, thus preventing it from effectively entering human cells (which it needs to do in order to infect the host, as this is how viruses replicate themselves).
What this means, in practical terms
While more research will be needed to know whether this can be used in the medicinal sense, it already means that a nanoparticle spray can be used to create virus-neutralizing layers on surfaces and in air filters. This alone could greatly reduce transmission in enclosed spaces such as public transport (ranging from taxis to airplanes), as well as other places where people get packed into a small space.
If you have an air purifier at home, keep an eye out for when improved filters arrive on the market!
See also: What’s Lurking In Your Household Air?
Wait, you said “minerals”; are there more?
It seems so, but we can’t truly say for sure until they’ve been tested. However, the researchers see no reason why other small metal oxides that bind strongly to phospholipids shouldn’t work exactly the same way—which would include iron oxide (yes, as in rust) and aluminum oxide (the coating that automatically forms immediately when aluminum is exposed to oxygen (aluminum is so reactive to oxygen, that it’s almost impossible to get aluminum without an oxidized surface, unless you use something else to coat it, or cut it in an oxygen-free atmosphere and keep it there).
You can read the paper itself here:
Molecular mechanisms behind the anti corona virus activity of small metal oxide nanoparticles
And on a related note (different scientists, different science, similar principle, though, using mineral nanotechnology to kill microbes):
❝Researchers report that laboratory tests of their nanoflower-coated dressings demonstrate antibiotic, anti-inflammatory and biocompatible properties. They say these results show these tannic acid and copper(II) phosphate sprouted nanoflower bandages are promising candidates for treating infections and inflammatory conditions.❞
Read in full: This delicate nanoflower is downright deadly to bacteria
Want to learn more?
Check out:
Move over, COVID and Flu! We Have “Hybrid Viruses” To Contend With Now
Take care!
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Yoga Teacher: “If I wanted to get flexible in 2025, here’s what I’d do”
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Progress in flexibility isn’t about doing more but doing it smarter:
Step by step
First, we need a good foundation. Create three routines focusing on different areas of the body, namely:
- Hips & hamstrings
- Shoulders & spine
- Wrists, ankles, & neck
Alternate these on a daily basis (e.g. Mon = 1, Tue = 2, Wed = 3, Thu = 1, Fri = 2, Sat = 3, Sun = 1, Mon = 2, Tue = 3, and so on), doing just 10 minutes per day and focusing on consistency.
Next, we will want to identify problem areas (likely they will identify themselves, i.e. a particular stretch will be harder than others). Use “focus sessions” twice a week (20–30 minutes) to address these spots. While you’re at it, incorporate techniques like active stretches, weighted stretches, and resistance bands to improve strength and range of motion.
Because commitment is important, schedule flexibility sessions like important meetings and set calendar alerts. Focus on consistency rather than perfection.
To help keep you going, remember that flexibility improvements are less obvious than other fitness goals. Take photos every couple of weeks (e.g. forward fold, low lunge, shoulder stretch). Visual proof of progress can motivate you to keep going.
For more on all of this, plus suggested specific stretches for those routines, enjoy:
Click Here If The Embedded Video Doesn’t Load Automatically!
Want to learn more?
You might also like:
Getting Flexible, Starting As An Adult: How Long Does It Really Take?
Take care!
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How can I stop using food to cope with negative emotions?
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Have you ever noticed changes in your eating habits when you are sad, bored or anxious?
Many people report eating either more, or less, as a way of helping them to cope when they experience difficult emotions.
Although this is a very normal response, it can take the pleasure out of eating, and can become distressing and bring about other feelings of shame and self-criticism.
Adding to the complexity of it all, we live in a world where diet culture is unavoidable, and our relationship to eating, food and body image can become complicated and confusing.
Drazen Zigic/Shutterstock Emotional eating is common
“Emotional eating” refers to the eating behaviours (typically eating more) that occur in response to difficult emotions.
Research shows around 20% of people regularly engage in emotional eating, with a higher prevalence among adolescents and women. In a study of more than 1,500 adolescents, 34% engaged in emotional eating while sad and 40% did so while anxious.
Foods consumed are often fast-foods and other energy-dense, nutrient-poor convenience foods.
Stress, strong emotions and depression
For some people, emotional eating was simply a habit formed earlier in life that has persisted over time.
But other factors might also contribute to the likelihood of emotional eating. The physiological effects of stress and strong emotions, for example, can influence hormones such as cortisol, insulin and glucose, which can also increase appetite.
Increased impulsivity (behaving before thinking things through), vulnerability to depression, a tendency to ruminate and difficulties regulating emotions also increase the likelihood of emotional eating.
Depression increases the likelihood of emotional eating. TommyStockProject/Shutterstock So what do you do?
First, know that fluctuations in eating are normal. However, if you find that the way you eat in response to difficult emotions is not working for you, there are a few things you can do.
Starting with small things that are achievable but can have a huge impact, such as prioritising getting enough sleep and eating regularly.
Then, you can start to think about how you handle your emotions and hunger cues.
Expand your emotional awareness
Often we label emotions as good or bad, and this can result in fear, avoidance, and unhelpful coping strategies such as emotional eating.
But it’s also important to differentiate the exact emotion. This might be feeling isolated, powerless or victimised, rather than something as broad as sad.
By noticing what the emotion is, we can bring curiosity to what it means, how we feel in our minds and bodies, and how we think and behave in response.
Tap into your feelings of hunger and fullness
Developing an intuitive way of eating is another helpful strategy to promote healthy eating behaviours.
Intuitive eating means recognising, understanding and responding to internal signals of hunger and fullness. This might mean tuning in to and acknowledging physical hunger cues, responding by eating food that is nourishing and enjoyable, and identifying sensations of fullness.
Intuitive eating encourages flexibility and thinking about the pleasure we get from food and eating. This style of eating also allows us to enjoy eating out with friends, and sample local delicacies when travelling.
It can also reduce the psychological distress from feeling out of control with your eating habits and the associated negative body image.
Try to be flexible in thinking about the pleasure of food and eating with friends. La Famiglia/Shutterstock When is it time to seek help?
For some people, the thoughts and behaviours relating to food, eating and body image can negatively impact their life.
Having the support of friends and family, accessing online resources and, in some instances, seeing a trained professional, can be very helpful.
There are many therapeutic interventions that work to improve aspects associated with emotional eating. These will depend on your situation, needs, stage of life and other factors, such as whether you are neurodivergent.
The best approach is to engage with someone who can bring compassion and understanding to your personal situation, and work with you collaboratively. This work might include:
- unpacking some of the patterns that could be underlying these emotions, thoughts and behaviours
- helping you to discover your emotions
- supporting you to process other experiences, such as trauma exposure
- developing a more flexible and intuitive way of eating.
One of the dangers that can occur in response to emotional eating is the temptation to diet, which can lead to disordered eating, and eating disorder behaviours. Indicators of a potential eating disorder can include:
- recent rapid weight loss
- preoccupation with weight and shape (which is usually in contrast to other people’s perceptions)
- eating large amounts of food within a short space of time (two hours or less) and feeling a sense of loss of control
- eating in secret
- compensating for food eaten (with vomiting, exercise or laxatives).
Evidence-based approaches can support people experiencing eating disorders. To find a health professional who is informed and specialises in this area, search the Butterfly Foundation’s expert database.
If this article has raised issues for you, or if you’re concerned about someone you know, call Lifeline on 13 11 14, or the Butterfly Foundation on 1800 ED HOPE (1800 33 4673).
Inge Gnatt, PhD Candidate, Lecturer in Psychology, Swinburne University of Technology
This article is republished from The Conversation under a Creative Commons license. Read the original article.
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Health Nut: A Feel-Good Cookbook – by Jess Damuck
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The author is a classically trained chef (worked with Martha Stewart for a long time!), and while health is the focus here, it’s not the be-all-and-end-all, so there’s a lot of attention given to pleasure also. Which, after all, is not a zero-sum game—we can have both!
So, the title and subtitle together sum up the ethos of the book pretty well.
The recipes themselves are divided into categories by meal-type, snacks, desserts, etc. They’re varied enough to suit most moods and seasons, as well as being equally appropriate for cooking for one, or a family, or entertaining. Many (but not all) of the recipes are vegan, though where they’re not, the substitutions are mostly easy and obvious, or explained, or else alternative recipes are given (for example a vegan “tuna” recipe).
In terms of complexity, these are not very complex, yet include everything they need to to make things interesting. That said, the ingredients are also not obscure, and should be easy to find in any reasonably well-stocked supermarket.
One small downside is that many of the recipes are not illustrated, but the instructions are clear enough that this isn’t really a problem, in this reviewer’s opinion.
Bottom line: if you’d like to broaden your kitchen repertoire with plants-forward cooking from an accomplished chef, then this is a good book for that.
Click here to check out Health Nut, and enjoy the feel-good food!
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