Psychology Sunday: Family Estrangment & How To Fix It
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Estrangement, And How To Heal It
We’ve written before about how deleterious to the health loneliness and isolation can be, and what things can be done about it. Today, we’re tackling a related but different topic.
We recently had a request to write about…
❝Reconciliation of relationships in particular estrangement mother adult daughter❞
And, this is not only an interesting topic, but a very specific one that affects more people than is commonly realized!
In fact, a recent 800-person study found that more than 43% of people experienced family estrangement of one sort or another, and a more specific study of more than 2,000 mother-child pairs found that more than 11% of mothers were estranged from at least one adult child.
So, if you think of the ten or so houses nearest to you, probably at least one of them contains a parent estranged from at least one adult child. Maybe it’s yours. Either way, we hope this article will give you some pause for thought.
Which way around?
It makes a difference to the usefulness of this article whether any given reader experiencing estrangement is the parent or the adult child. We’re going to assume the reader is the parent. It also makes a difference who did the estranging. That’s usually the adult child.
So, we’re broadly going to write with that expectation.
Why does it happen?
When our kids are small, we as parents hold all the cards. It may not always feel that way, but we do. We control our kids’ environment, we influence their learning, we buy the food they eat and the clothes they wear. If they want to go somewhere, we probably have to take them. We can even set and enforce rules on a whim.
As they grow, so too does their independence, and it can be difficult for us as parents to relinquish control, but we’re going to have to at some point. Assuming we are good parents, we just hope we’ve prepared them well enough for the world.
Once they’ve flown the nest and are living their own adult lives, there’s an element of inversion. They used to be dependent on us; now, not only do they not need us (this is a feature not a bug! If we have been good parents, they will be strong without us, and in all likelihood one day, they’re going to have to be), but also…
We’re more likely to need them, now. Not just in the “oh if we have kids they can look after us when we’re old” sense, but in that their social lives are growing as ours are often shrinking, their family growing, while ours, well, it’s the same family but they’re the gatekeepers to that now.
If we have a good relationship, this goes fine. However, it might only take one big argument, one big transgression, or one “final straw”, when the adult child decides the parent is more trouble than they’re worth.
And, obviously, that’s going to hurt. But it’s pretty much how it pans out, according to studies:
Here be science: Tensions in the Parent and Adult Child Relationship: Links to Solidarity and Ambivalence
How to fix it, step one
First, figure out what went wrong.
Resist any urge to protect your own feelings with a defensive knee-jerk “I don’t know; I was a good, loving parent”. That’s a very natural and reasonable urge and you’re quite possibly correct, but it won’t help you here.
Something pushed them away. And, it will almost certainly have been a push factor from you, not a pull factor from whoever is in their life now. It’s easy to put the blame externally, but that won’t fix anything.
And, be honest with yourself; this isn’t a job interview where we have to present a strength dressed up as a “greatest weakness” for show.
You can start there, though! If you think “I was too loving”, then ok, how did you show that love? Could it have felt stifling to them? Controlling? Were you critical of their decisions?
It doesn’t matter who was right or wrong, or even whether or not their response was reasonable. It matters that you know what pushed them away.
How to fix it, step two
Take responsibility, and apologize. We’re going to assume that your estrangement is such that you can, at least, still get a letter to them, for example. Resist the urge to argue your case.
Here’s a very good format for an apology; please consider using this template:
The 10-step (!) apology that’s so good, you’ll want to make a note of it
You may have to do some soul-searching to find how you will avoid making the same mistake in the future, that you did in the past.
If you feel it’s something you “can’t change”, then you must decide what is more important to you. Only you can make that choice, but you cannot expect them to meet you halfway. They already made their choice. In the category of negotiation, they hold all the cards now.
How to fix it, step three
Now, just wait.
Maybe they will reply, forgiving you. If they do, celebrate!
Just be aware that once you reconnect is not the time to now get around to arguing your case from before. It will never be the time to get around to arguing your case from before. Let it go.
Nor should you try to exact any sort of apology from them for estranging you, or they will at best feel resentful, wonder if they made a mistake in reconnecting, and withdraw.
Instead, just enjoy what you have. Many people don’t get that.
If they reply with anger, maybe it will be a chance to reopen a dialogue. If so, family therapy could be an approach useful for all concerned, if they are willing. Chances are, you all have things that you’d all benefit from talking about in a calm, professional, moderated, neutral environment.
You might also benefit from a book we reviewed previously, “Parent Effectiveness Training”. This may seem like “shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted”, but in fact it’s a very good guide to relationship dynamics in general, and extensively covers relations between parents and adult children.
If they don’t reply, then, you did your part. Take solace in knowing that much.
Some final thoughts:
At the end of the day, as parents, our kids living well is (hopefully) testament to that we prepared them well for life, and sometimes, being a parent is a thankless task.
But, we (hopefully) didn’t become parents for the plaudits, after all.
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What Nobody Teaches You About Strengthening Your Knees
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Strengthening unhappy knees can seem difficult, because many obvious exercises like squats may hurt, and can feel like they are doing harm (and if your knees are bad enough, maybe they are; it depends on many factors). Here’s a way to improve things:
The muscle nobody talks about
Well, not nobody. But, it’s a muscle that’s rarely talked about; namely, the tibialis anterior.
It plays a key role in decelerating knee motion—in other words, the movement that hurts if you have bad knees. It’s essential for absorbing shock during activities like walking, climbing stairs, and stepping off curbs
So, of course, strengthening this muscle supports knee health.
The exercise this video recommends for strengthening it involves leaning against a wall with feet about a foot away (closer feet make it easier, further makes it harder). Note, this is a lean, not a “Roman chair”.
The exercise involves squeezing the quadriceps, lifting toes toward the nose, and engaging the tibialis anterior muscle. If you’re wondering what to do with your hands, they can be held out with palms open to work on posture, or hanging by the sides. Do this for about 1½–2 minutes.
For more on all this, plus a visual demonstration, enjoy:
Click Here If The Embedded Video Doesn’t Load Automatically!
Want to learn more?
You might also like to read:
When Bad Joints Stop You From Exercising (5 Things To Change)
Take care!
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Alzheimer’s Causative Factors To Avoid
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The Best Brains Bar Nun?
This is Dr. David Snowdon. He’s an epidemiologist, and one of the world’s foremost experts on Alzheimer’s disease. He was also, most famously, the lead researcher of what has become known as “The Nun Study”.
We recently reviewed his book about this study:
…which we definitely encourage you to check out, but we’ll do our best to summarize its key points today!
Reassurance up-front: no, you don’t have to become a nun
The Nun Study
In 1991, a large number (678) of nuns were recruited for what was to be (and until now, remains) the largest study of its kind into the impact of a wide variety of factors on aging, and in particular, Alzheimer’s disease.
Why it was so important: because the nuns were all from the same Order, had the same occupation (it’s a teaching Order), with very similar lifestyles, schedules, socioeconomic status, general background, access to healthcare, similar diets, same relationship status (celibate), same sex (female), and many other factors also similar, this meant that most of the confounding variables that confound other studies were already controlled-for here.
Enrollment in the study also required consenting to donating one’s brain for study post-mortem—and of those who have since died, indeed 98% of them have been donated (the other 2%, we presume, may have run into technical administrative issues with the donation process, due to the circumstances of death and/or delays in processing the donation).
How the study was undertaken
We don’t have enough space to describe the entire methodology here, but the gist of it is:
- Genetic testing for relevant genetic factors
- Data gathered about lives so far, including not just medical records but also autobiographies that the nuns wrote when they took their vows (at ages 19–21)
- Extensive ongoing personal interviews about habits, life choices, and attitudes
- Yearly evaluations including memory tests and physical function tests
- Brain donation upon death
What they found
Technically, The Nun Study is still ongoing. Of the original 678 nuns (aged 75–106), three are still alive (based on the latest report, at least).
However, lots of results have already been gained, including…
Genes
A year into the study, in 1992, the “apolipoprotein E” (APOE) gene was established as a likely causative factor in Alzheimer’s disease. This is probably not new to our readers in 2024, but there are interesting things being learned even now, for example:
The Alzheimer’s Gene That Varies By Race & Sex
…but watch out! Because also:
Alzheimer’s Sex Differences May Not Be What They Appear
Words
Based on the autobiographies written by the nuns in their youth upon taking their vows, there were two factors that were later correlated with not getting dementia:
- Longer sentences
- Positive outlook
- “Idea density”
That latter item means the relative linguistic density of ideas and complexity thereof, and the fluency and vivacity with which they were expressed (this was not a wishy-washy assessment; there was a hard-science analysis to determine numbers).
Want to spruce up yours? You might like to check out:
Reading, Better: Reading As A Cognitive Exercise
…for specific, evidence-based ways to tweak your reading to fight cognitive decline.
Food
While the dietary habits of the nuns were fairly homogenous, those who favored eating more and cooked greens, beans, and tomatoes, lived longer and with healthier brains.
See also: Brain Food? The Eyes Have It!
Other aspects of brain health & mental health
The study also found that nuns who avoided stroke and depression, were also less likely to get dementia.
For tending to these, check out:
- Two Things You Can Do To Improve Stroke Survival Chances
- Depression, And The Mental Health First-Aid That You’ll Hopefully Never Need
- Behavioral Activation Against Depression & Anxiety
Community & Faith
Obviously, in this matter the nuns were quite a homogenous group, scoring heavily in community and faith. What’s relevant here is the difference between the nuns, and other epidemiological studies in other groups (invariably not scoring so highly).
Community & faith are considered, separately and together, to be protective factors against dementia.
Faith may be something that “you have it or you don’t” (we’re a health science newsletter, not a theological publication, but for the interested, philosopher John Stuart Mill’s 1859 essay “On Liberty“ makes a good argument for it not being something one can choose, prompting him to argue for religious tolerance, on the grounds that religious coercion is a futile effort precisely because a person cannot choose to dis/believe something)
…but community can definitely be chosen, nurtured, and grown. We’ve written about this a bit before:
You might also like to check out this great book on the topic:
Purpose: Design A Community And Change Your Life – by Gina Bianchini
Want more?
We gave a ground-up primer on avoiding Alzheimer’s and other dementias; check it out:
How To Reduce Your Alzheimer’s Risk
Take care!
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Building Psychological Resilience (Without Undue Hardship)
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What’s The Worst That Could Happen?
When we talk about the five lifestyle factors that make the biggest difference to health, stress management would be a worthy addition as number six. We haven’t focused explicitly on that for a while, so let’s get ready to start the New Year on a good footing…
You’re not going to have a stress-free 2024
What a tender world that would be! Hopefully your stressors will be small and manageable, but rest assured, things will stress you.
And that’s key: “rest assured”. Know it now, prepare for it, and build resilience.
Sounds grim, doesn’t it? It doesn’t have to be, though.
When the forecast weather is cold and wet, you’re not afraid of it when you have a warm dry house. When the heating bill comes for that warm dry house, you’re not afraid of it when you have money to pay it. If you didn’t have the money and the warm dry house, the cold wet weather could be devastating to you.
The lesson here is: we can generally handle what we’re prepared for.
Negative visualization and the PNS
This is the opposite of what a lot of “think and grow rich”-style gurus would advise. And indeed, it’s not helpful to slide into anxious worrying.
If you do find yourself spiralling, here’s a tool for getting out of that spiral:
RAIN: an intervention for dealing with difficult emotions
For now, however, we’re going to practice Radical Acceptance.
First, some biology: you may be aware that your Central Nervous System (CNS) branches into the Sympathetic Nervous System (SNS) and the Parasympathetic Nervous System (PNS).
The PNS is the part that cues our body to relax, and suppresses our fight/flight response. We’re going to activate it.
Activating the PNS is easy for most people in comfortable circumstances (e.g., you are not currently exposed to stressful stimuli). It may well be activated already, and if it’s not, a few deep breaths is usually all it takes.
If you’d like a quick and easy Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) technique, here you go:
No-Frills, Evidence-Based Mindfulness
Activating the PNS is hard for most people in difficult circumstances (e.g., you either are currently exposed to stressful stimuli, or you are in one of the emotional spirals we discussed earlier).
However, we can trick our bodies and brains by—when we are safe and unstressed—practicing imagining those stressful stimuli. Taking a moment to not just imagine it experientially, but immersively. This, in CBT and DBT, is the modern equivalent to the old samurai who simply accepted, before battle, that they were already dead—and thus went into battle with zero fear of death.
A less drastic example is the zen master who had a favorite teacup, and feared it would get broken. So he would tell himself “the cup is already broken”. One day, it actually broke, and he simply smiled ruefully and said “Of course”.
How this ties together: practice the mindfulness-based stress reduction we linked above, while imagining the things that do/would stress you the most.
Since it’s just imagination, this is a little easier than when the thing is actually happening. Practicing this way means that when and if the thing actually happens (an unfortunate diagnosis, a financial reversal, whatever it may be), our CNS is already well-trained to respond to stress with a dose of PNS-induced calm.
You can also leverage hormesis, a beneficial aspect of (in this case, optional and chosen by you) acute stress:
Dr. Elissa Epel | The Stress Prescription
Psychological resilience training
This (learned!) ability to respond to stress in an adaptive fashion (without maladaptive coping strategies such as unhelpful behavioral reactivity and/or substance use) is a key part of what in psychology is called resilience:
And yes, the CBT/DBT/MBSR methods we’ve been giving you are the evidence-based gold standard.
Only the best for 10almonds subscribers! 😎
❝That was helpful, but not cheery; can we finish the year on a cheerier note?❞
We can indeed:
How To Get Your Brain On A More Positive Track (Without Toxic Positivity)
Take care!
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Healing After Loss – by Martha Hickman
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Mental health is also just health, and this book’s about an underexamined area of mental health. We say “underexamined”, because for something that affects almost everyone sooner or later, there’s not nearly so much science being done about it as other areas of mental health.
This is not a book of science per se, but it is a very useful one. The format is:
Each calendar day of the year, there’s a daily reflection, consisting of:
- A one-liner insight about grief, quoted from somebody
- A page of thoughts about this
- A one-liner summary, often formulated as a piece of advice
The book is not religious in content, though the author does occasionally make reference to God, only in the most abstract way that shouldn’t be offputting to any but the most stridently anti-religious readers.
Bottom line: if this is a subject near to your heart, then you will almost certainly benefit from this daily reader.
Click here to check out Healing After Loss, and indeed heal after loss
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Black Bean Burgers With Guacamole
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Once again proving that burgers do not have to be unhealthy, this one’s a nutritional powerhouse full of protein, fiber, vitamins, and minerals, as well as healthy fats and extra health-giving spices.
You will need
- 1 can black beans, drained and rinsed (or 1 cup same, cooked, drained, and rinsed)
- 3 oz walnuts (if allergic, substitute with pumpkin seeds)
- 1 tbsp chia seeds
- 1 tbsp flax seeds
- ½ red onion, finely chopped
- 1 small eggplant, diced small (e.g. ½” cubes or smaller)
- 1 small carrot, grated
- 3 tbsp finely chopped cilantro (or if you have the “this tastes like soap” gene, then substitute with parsley)
- 1 tbsp lemon juice
- 1 jalapeño pepper, finely chopped (adjust per heat preferences)
- ¼ bulb garlic, crushed
- 2 tsp black pepper
- 1 tsp smoked paprika
- 1 tsp cayenne pepper (adjust per heat preferences)
- ½ tsp MSG or 1 tsp low-sodium salt
- Burger buns (you can use our Delicious Quinoa Avocado Bread recipe if you like)
For the guacamole:
- 1 large ripe avocado, pitted, skinned, and chopped
- 1 tbsp lime juice
- 1 tomato, finely chopped
- ¼ red onion, finely chopped
- ¼ bulb garlic, crushed
- 1 tsp red chili pepper flakes (adjust per heat preferences)
Method
(we suggest you read everything at least once before doing anything)
1) Process the walnuts, chia seeds, and flax seeds in a food processor/blender, until they become a coarse mixture. Set aside.
2) Heat a little oil in a skillet, and fry the red onion, aubergine, and carrot for 5 minutes stirring frequently, then add the garlic and jalapeño and stir for a further 1 minute. Set aside.
3) Combine both mixtures you set aside with the rest of the ingredients from the burger section of the recipe, except the buns, and process them in the food processor on a low setting if possible, until you have a coarse mixture—you still want some texture, not a paste.
4) Shape into patties; this recipe gives for 4 large patties or 8 small ones. When you’ve done this, put them in the fridge for at least 30 minutes, to firm up.
5) While you wait, make the guacamole by mashing the avocado with the lime juice, and then stirring into the onion, tomato, garlic, and pepper.
6) Cook the patties; you can do this on the grill, in a skillet, or in the oven, per your preference. Grilling or frying should take about 5 minutes on each side, give or take the size and shape of the patties. Baking in the oven should take 20–30 minutes at 400℉ / 200℃ turning over halfway through, but keep an eye on them, because again, the size and shape of the patties will affect this. You may be wondering: aren’t they all going to be patty-shaped? And yes, but for example a wide flat patty will cook more quickly than the same volume of burger mixture in a taller less wide patty.
7) Assemble! We recommend the order: bottom bun, guacamole, burger patty, any additional toppings you want to add (e.g. more salad, pickles, etc), top bun:
Enjoy!
Want to learn more?
For those interested in some of the science of what we have going on today:
- Level-Up Your Fiber Intake! (Without Difficulty Or Discomfort)
- Chickpeas vs Black Beans – Which is Healthier?
- Kidney Beans or Black Beans – Which is Healthier?
- Coconut vs Avocado – Which is Healthier?
- Our Top 5 Spices: How Much Is Enough For Benefits?
Take care!
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7 Invisible Eating Disorders
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It’s easy to assume that anyone with an eating disorder can be easily recognized by the resultantly atypical body composition, but it’s often not so.
Beyond the obvious
We’ll not keep them a mystery; the 7 invisible eating disorders discussed by therapist Kati Morton in this video are:
- OSFED (Other Specified Feeding or Eating Disorder): a catch-all diagnosis for those who don’t meet the criteria for more specific eating disorders but still have significant eating disorder behaviors.
- Atypical Anorexia: characterized by all the symptoms of anorexia nervosa (especially: intense fear of gaining weight, and body image distortion) except that the individual’s weight remains in a normal range.
- Atypical Bulimia: similar to bulimia nervosa, but the frequency or duration of binge-purge behaviors does not meet the usual diagnostic criteria and thus can fly under the radar.
- Atypical Binge-Eating Disorder: has episodes of consuming large amounts of food without compensatory behaviors (e.g. purging), but the episodes are less frequent and/or intense than typical binge-eating disorder.
- Purging Disorder: purging behaviors such as self-induced vomiting or laxative abuse without having binge-eating episodes (thus, this not being binging, and nothing obvious is happening outside of the bathroom).
- Night Eating Syndrome: consuming excessive amounts of food during the night while being fully aware of the nature of the eating episodes, which disrupts sleep and leads to guilt.
- Rumination Disorder: repeatedly regurgitating food, which may be rechewed, reswallowed, or spat out, without nausea or involuntary retching, often as a self-soothing mechanism.
For more on each of these, along with a case study-style example of each, enjoy:
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Want to learn more?
You might also like to read:
Eating Disorders: More Varied (And Prevalent) Than People Think
Take care!
Don’t Forget…
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Learn to Age Gracefully
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