Self-Compassion In A Relationship (Positives & Pitfalls)

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Practise Self-Compassion In Your Relationship (But Watch Out!)

Let’s make clear up-front: this is not about “…but not too much”.

With that in mind…

Now let’s set the scene: you, a happily-partnered person, have inadvertently erred and upset your partner. They may or may not have already forgiven you, but you are still angry at yourself.

Likely next steps include all or any of:

  • continuing to apologise and try to explain
  • self-deprecatory diatribes
  • self-flagellation, probably not literally but in the sense of “I don’t deserve…” and acting on that feeling
  • self-removal, because you don’t want to further inflict your bad self on your partner

As you might guess, these are quite varied in their degree of healthiness:

  • apologising is good, as even is explaining, but once it’s done, it’s done; let it go
  • self-deprecation is pretty much never useful, let alone healthy
  • self-flagellation likewise; it is not only inherently self-destructive, but will likely create an additional problem for your partner too
  • self-removal can be good or bad depending on the manner of that removal: there’s a difference between just going cold and distant on your partner, and saying “I’m sorry; this is my fault not yours, I don’t want to take it out on you, so please give me half an hour by myself to regain my composure, and I will come back with love then if that’s ok with you”

About that last: mentioning the specific timeframe e.g. “half an hour” is critical, by the way—don’t leave your partner hanging! And then do also follow through on that; come back with love after the half-hour elapses. We suggest mindfulness meditation in the interim (here’s our guide to how), if you’re not sure what to do to get you there.

To Err Is Human; To Forgive, Healthy (Here’s How To Do It) ← this goes for when the forgiveness in question is for yourself, too—and we do write about that there (and how)!

This is important, by the way; not forgiving yourself can cause more serious issues down the line:

Self-blame-selective hyper-connectivity between anterior temporal and subgenual cortices predicts prognosis in major depressive disorder

If, by the way, you’re hand-wringing over “but was my apology good enough really, or should I…” then here is how to do it. Basically, do this, and then draw a line under it and consider it done:

The Apology Checklist ← you’ll want to keep a copy of this, perhaps in the notes app on your phone, or a screenshot if you prefer

(the checklist is at the bottom of that page)

The catch

It’s you, you’re the catch 👈👈😎

Ok, that being said, there is actually a catch in the less cheery sense of the word, and it is:

“It is important to be compassionate about one’s occasional failings in a relationship” does not mean “It is healthy to be neglectful of one’s partner’s emotional needs; that’s self-care, looking after #1; let them take care of themself too”

…because that’s simply not being a couple at all.

Think about it this way: the famous airline advice,

“Put on your own oxygen mask before helping others with theirs”

…does not mean “Put on your own oxygen mask and then watch those kids suffocate; it’s everyone for themself”

So, the same goes in relationships too. And, as ever, we have science for this. There was a recent (2024) study, involving hundreds of heterosexual couples aged 18–73, which looked at two things, each measured with a scaled questionnaire:

  • Subjective levels of self-compassion
  • Subjective levels of relationship satisfaction

For example, questions included asking participants to rate, from 1–5 depending on how much they felt the statements described them, e.g:

In my relationship with my partner, I:

  • treat myself kindly when I experience sorrow and suffering.
  • accept my faults and weaknesses.
  • try to see my mistakes as part of human nature.
  • see difficulties as part of every relationship that everyone goes through once.
  • try to get a balanced view of the situation when something unpleasant happens.
  • try to keep my feelings in balance when something upsets me.

Note: that’s not multiple choice! It’s asking participants to rate each response as applicable or not to them, on a scale of 1–5.

And…

❝Women’s self-compassion was also positively linked with men’s total relationship satisfaction. Thus, men seem to experience overall satisfaction with the relationship when their female partner is self-kind and self-caring in difficult situations.

Unexpectedly, however, we found that men’s relationship-specific self-compassion was negatively associated with women’s fulfillment.

Baker and McNulty (2011) reported that, only for men, a Self-Compassion x Conscientiousness interaction explained whether the positive effects of self-compassion on the relationship emerged, but such an interaction was not found for women.

Highly self-compassionate men who were low in conscientiousness were less motivated than others to remedy interpersonal mistakes in their romantic relationships, and this tendency was in turn related to lower relationship satisfaction❞

~ Dr. Astrid Schütz et al. (2024)

Read in full: Is caring for oneself relevant to happy relationship functioning? Exploring associations between self-compassion and romantic relationship satisfaction in actors and partners

And if you’d like to read the cited older paper from 2011, here it is:

Read in full: Self-compassion and relationship maintenance: the moderating roles of conscientiousness and gender

The take-away here is not: “men should not practice self-compassion”

(rather, they absolutely should)

The take-away is: we must each take responsibility for managing our own mood as best we are able; practice self-forgiveness where applicable and forgive our partner where applicable (and communicate that!)…. And then go consciously back to the mutual care on which the relationship is hopefully founded.

Which doesn’t just mean love-bombing, by the way, it also means listening:

The Problem With Active Listening (And How To Do Better)

To close… We say this often, but we mean it every time: take care!

Don’t Forget…

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Recommended

  • How To Stay Alive (When You Really Don’t Want To)
  • Getting Your Messy Life In Order
    Getting Your Life Organized: Learn the core essentials of the “Getting Things Done” method. Gather, sort, and process your tasks for a more efficient and productive life.

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  • Build Strong Feet: Exercises To Strengthen Your Foot & Ankle

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    A lot depends on the health of our feet, especially when it comes to their strength and stability. But they often get quite neglected, when it comes to maintenance. Here’s how to help your feet keep the rest of your body in good condition:

    On a good footing

    The foot-specific exercises recommended here include:

    1. Active toe flexion/extension: curl and extend your toes
    2. Active toe adduction/abduction: use a towel for feedback this time as you spread your toes
    3. “Short foot” exercise: create an arch by bringing the base of your big toe towards your heel
    4. Resisted big toe flexion: use resistance bands; flex your big toe while controlling the others.
    5. Standing big toe flexion (isometric): press your big toe against an inclined surface as forcefully as you can
    6. Foot bridge exercise: hold your position with the front part of your feet on an elevated surface, to strengthen the arch.
    7. Heel raises: which can be progressed from basic to more advanced variations, increasing difficulty
    8. Ankle movements: dorsiflexion, inversion, etc, to increase mobility

    It’s important to also look after your general lower body strength and stability, including (for example) single-leg deadlifts, step-downs, and lunges

    Balance and proprioceptive exercises are good too, such as a static or dynamic one-leg balances, progressing to doing them with your eyes closed and/or on unstable surfaces (be careful, of course, and progress to this only when confident).

    For more on all of these, an explanation of the anatomy, some other exercises too, and visual demonstrations, enjoy:

    Click Here If The Embedded Video Doesn’t Load Automatically!

    Want to learn more?

    You might also like to read:

    Steps For Keeping Your Feet A Healthy Foundation

    Take care!

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  • The Vagus Nerve’s Power for Weight Loss

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    Dr. Arun Dhir is a university lecturer, a gastrointestinal surgeon, an author, and a yoga and meditation instructor, and he has this to say:

    Gut feelings

    The vagus nerve is the 10th cranial nerve, also known as “vagus” (“the wanderer”), because it travels from the brain to many other body parts, including the ears, throat, heart, respiratory system, gut, pancreas, liver, and reproductive system. It’s no surprise then, that it plays a key role in brain-gut communication and metabolism regulation.

    The vagus nerve is part of the parasympathetic nervous system, responsible for rest, digestion, and counteracting the stress response. Most signals through the vagus nerve travel from the gut to the brain, though there is communication in both directions.

    You may be beginning to see how this works and its implications for weight management: the vagus nerve senses metabolites from the liver, pancreas, and small intestine, and regulates insulin production by stimulating beta cells in the pancreas, which is important for avoiding/managing insulin resistance and metabolic syndrome in general.

    Dr. Dhir cites a study in which vagus nerve stimulation (originally used for treating epilepsy and depression) was shown to cause unintentional weight loss (6-11%) in patients, revealing a link to weight management. Of course, that is quite a specific sample, so more research is needed to say for sure, but because the principle is very sound and the mechanism of action is clear, it’s not being viewed as a controversial conclusion.

    As for how get these benefits, here are seven ways:

    1. Cold water on the face: submerge your face in cold water in the morning while holding water in your mouth, or cover your face with a cold wet washcloth (while holding your breath please; no need to waterboard yourself!), which activates the “mammalian dive response” in which your body activates the parasympathetic nervous system in order to remain calm and thus survive for longer underwater
    2. Alternate hot and cold showers: switch between hot and cold water during showers for 10-second intervals; this creates eustress and activates the process of hormesis, improving your overall stress management and reducing any chronic stress response you may otherwise have going on
    3. Humming and gargling: the vibrations in the throat stimulate the nearby vagus nerve
    4. Deep breathing (pranayama): yoga breathing exercises, especially combined with somatic exercises such as the sun salutation, can stimulate the vagus nerve
    5. Intermittent fasting: helps recalibrate the metabolism and indirectly improves vagus nerve function
    6. Massage and acupressure: stimulates lymphatic channels and the vagus nerve
    7. Long walks in nature (“forest bathing”): helps trigger relaxation in general

    For more on all of this, enjoy:

    Click Here If The Embedded Video Doesn’t Load Automatically!

    Want to learn more?

    You might also like to read:

    The Vagus Nerve (And How You Can Make Use Of It)

    Take care!

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  • Creamy Fortifying Cauliflower Soup

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    As delicious as it is super-easy to make, this one is full of protein, fiber, healthy fats, and some of the most health-giving spices around.

    You will need

    • 1 quart low-sodium vegetable stock
    • 1 large cauliflower, cut into florets
    • 1 large onion, finely chopped
    • 2 cans cannellini (or other white) beans, drained and rinsed
    • 1 cup raw cashews, soaked in hot water for at least 5 minutes, and drained (if allergic, substitute chickpeas)
    • 1 bulb (yes, a whole bulb) garlic, roughly chopped
    • 5 tbsp nutritional yeast
    • 10 fresh sprigs of thyme (keep them whole!)
    • 1 large fresh sprig of rosemary (keep this whole too!)
    • zest of 1 lemon
    • 1 tbsp red chili flakes
    • 1 tbsp black pepper, coarse ground
    • 1 tsp MSG or 2 tsp low-sodium salt
    • ½ tsp ground turmeric
    • Extra virgin olive oil

    Method

    (we suggest you read everything at least once before doing anything)

    1) Tightly tie up the sprigs of rosemary and thyme with kitchen twine (shining a bright light on it and asking it invasive questions is optional)

    2) Heat some olive oil to a medium heat in your biggest sauté pan or similar. Add the onions, and cook for about 10 minutes, stirring as necessary. We are not trying to outright caramelize them here, but we do want them browned a little.

    3) Add the garlic and cook for another 2 minutes, stirring frequently.

    4) Add the vegetable stock, and stir, ensuring no onion is stuck to the base of the pan. Add the cauliflower, cashews, beans, nooch, pepper, turmeric, and MSG/salt, stirring to combine. Don’t worry if the cauliflower isn’t all submerged; it’ll be fine in a little while.

    5) Add the herbs, submerging them in the soup (still tied up bouquet garni style).

    6) Bring to a boil, reduce to a simmer and cook for 15–20 minutes; the cauliflower will be soft when it’s ready.

    7) Remove the bouquet garni, and blend the soup until thick and creamy. You can do this with an immersion blender, but to get the smoothest soup, you’ll need to use a stand blender. Either ensure yours is safe for hot liquids, or else allow to cool, blend, and reheat later. This is important, as otherwise your blender could explode.

    8) Serve, using the lemon zest and chili for the garnish:

    Enjoy!

    Want to learn more?

    For those interested in some of the science of what we have going on today:

    Take care!

    Share This Post

Related Posts

  • How To Stay Alive (When You Really Don’t Want To)
  • Horse Sedative Use Among Humans Spreads in Deadly Mixture of ‘Tranq’ and Fentanyl

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    TREASURE ISLAND, Fla. — Andrew McClave Jr. loved to lift weights. The 6-foot-4-inch bartender resembled a bodybuilder and once posed for a photo flexing his muscles with former pro wrestler Hulk Hogan.

    “He was extremely dedicated to it,” said his father, Andrew McClave Sr., “to the point where it was almost like he missed his medication if he didn’t go.”

    But the hobby took its toll. According to a police report, a friend told the Treasure Island Police Department that McClave, 36, suffered from back problems and took unprescribed pills to reduce the pain.

    In late 2022, the friend discovered McClave in bed. He had no pulse. A medical examiner determined he had a fatal amount of fentanyl, cocaine, and xylazine, a veterinary tranquilizer used to sedate horses, in his system, an autopsy report said. Heart disease was listed as a contributing factor.

    McClave is among more than 260 people across Florida who died in one year from accidental overdoses involving xylazine, according to a Tampa Bay Times analysis of medical examiner data from 2022, the first year state officials began tracking the substance. Numbers for 2023 haven’t been published.

    The death toll reflects xylazine’s spread into the nation’s illicit drug supply. Federal regulators approved the tranquilizer for animals in the early 1970s and it’s used to sedate horses for procedures like oral exams and colic treatment, said Todd Holbrook, an equine medicine specialist at the University of Florida. Reports of people using xylazine emerged in Philadelphia, then the drug spread south and west.

    What’s not clear is exactly what role the sedative plays in overdose deaths, because the Florida data shows no one fatally overdosed on xylazine alone. The painkiller fentanyl was partly to blame in all but two cases in which the veterinary drug was included as a cause of death, according to the Times analysis. Cocaine or alcohol played roles in the cases in which fentanyl was not involved.

    Fentanyl is generally the “800-pound gorilla,” according to Lewis Nelson, chair of the emergency medicine department at Rutgers New Jersey Medical School, and xylazine may increase the risk of overdose, though not substantially.

    But xylazine appears to complicate the response to opioid overdoses when they do happen and makes it harder to save people. Xylazine can slow breathing to dangerous levels, according to federal health officials, and it doesn’t respond to the overdose reversal drug naloxone, often known by the brand name Narcan. Part of the problem is that many people may not know they are taking the horse tranquilizer when they use other drugs, so they aren’t aware of the additional risks.

    Lawmakers in Tallahassee made xylazine a Schedule 1 drug like heroin or ecstasy in 2016, and several other states including Pennsylvania, Ohio, and West Virginia have taken action to classify it as a scheduled substance, too. But it’s not prohibited at the federal level. Legislation pending in Congress would criminalize illicit xylazine use nationwide.

    The White House in April designated the combination of fentanyl and xylazine, often called “tranq dope,” as an emerging drug threat. A study of 20 states and Washington, D.C., found that overdose deaths attributed to both illicit fentanyl and xylazine exploded from January 2019 to June 2022, jumping from 12 a month to 188.

    “We really need to continue to be proactive,” said Amanda Bonham-Lovett, program director of a syringe exchange in St. Petersburg, “and not wait until this is a bigger issue.”

    ‘A Good Business Model’

    There are few definitive answers about why xylazine use has spread — and its impact on people who consume it.

    The U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration in September said the tranquilizer is entering the country in several ways, including from China and in fentanyl brought across the southwestern border. The Florida attorney general’s office is prosecuting an Orange County drug trafficking case that involves xylazine from a New Jersey supplier.

    Bonham-Lovett, who runs IDEA Exchange Pinellas, the county’s anonymous needle exchange, said some local residents who use drugs are not seeking out xylazine — and don’t know they’re consuming it.

    One theory is that dealers are mixing xylazine into fentanyl because it’s cheap and also affects the brain, Nelson said.

    “It’s conceivable that if you add a psychoactive agent to the fentanyl, you can put less fentanyl in and still get the same kick,” he said. “It’s a good business model.”

    In Florida, men accounted for three-quarters of fatal overdoses involving xylazine, according to the Times analysis. Almost 80% of those who died were white. The median age was 42.

    Counties on Florida’s eastern coast saw the highest death tolls. Duval County topped the list with 46 overdoses. Tampa Bay recorded 19 fatalities.

    Cocaine was also a cause in more than 80 cases, including McClave’s, the Times found. The DEA in 2018 warned of cocaine laced with fentanyl in Florida.

    In McClave’s case, Treasure Island police found what appeared to be marijuana and a small plastic bag with white residue in his room, according to a police report. His family still questions how he took the powerful drugs and is grappling with his death.

    He was an avid fisherman, catching snook and grouper in the Gulf of Mexico, said his sister, Ashley McClave. He dreamed of being a charter boat captain.

    “I feel like I’ve lost everything,” his sister said. “My son won’t be able to learn how to fish from his uncle.”

    Mysterious Wounds

    Another vexing challenge for health officials is the link between chronic xylazine use and open wounds.

    The wounds are showing up across Tampa Bay, needle exchange leaders said. The telltale sign is blackened, crusty tissue, Bonham-Lovett said. Though the injuries may start small — the size of a dime — they can grow and “take over someone’s whole limb,” she said.

    Even those who snort fentanyl, instead of injecting it, can develop them. The phenomenon is unexplained, Nelson said, and is not seen in animals.

    IDEA Exchange Pinellas has recorded at least 10 cases since opening last February, Bonham-Lovett said, and has a successful treatment plan. Staffers wash the wounds with soap and water, then dress them.

    One person required hospitalization partly due to xylazine’s effects, Bonham-Lovett said. A 31-year-old St. Petersburg woman, who asked not to be named due to concerns over her safety and the stigma of drug use, said she was admitted to St. Anthony’s Hospital in 2023. The woman, who said she uses fentanyl daily, had a years-long staph infection resistant to some antibiotics, and a wound recently spread across half her thigh.

    The woman hadn’t heard of xylazine until IDEA Exchange Pinellas told her about the drug. She’s thankful she found out in time to get care.

    “I probably would have lost my leg,” she said.

    This article was produced in partnership with the Tampa Bay Times.

    KFF Health News is a national newsroom that produces in-depth journalism about health issues and is one of the core operating programs at KFF—an independent source of health policy research, polling, and journalism. Learn more about KFF.

    Subscribe to KFF Health News’ free Morning Briefing.

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  • The “Five Tibetan Rites” & Why To Do Them!

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    Spinning Around

    In Tuesday’s newsletter, we asked you for your opinion of the “Five Tibetan Rites”, and got the above-depicted, below-described, set of responses:

    • About 41% said “I have never heard of these before”
    • About 27% said “they restore youth by adjusting internal vortexes”
    • About 22% said “they are basically yoga, by a different name”
    • About 11% said “they are a pseudoscience popular in the US”

    So what does the science say?

    The Five Tibetan Rites are five Tibetan rites: True or False?

    False, though this is more question of social science than of health science, so we’ll not count it against them for having a misleading name.

    The first known mentioning of the “Five Tibetan Rites” is by an American named Peter Kelder, who in 1939 published, through a small LA occult-specialized publishing house, a booklet called “The Eye of Revelation”. This work was then varyingly republished, repackaged, and occasionally expanded upon by Kelder or other American authors, including Chris Kilham’s popular 1994 book “The Five Tibetans”.

    The “Five Tibetan Rites” are unknown as such in Tibet, except for what awareness of them has been raised by people asking about them in the context of the American phenomenon.

    Here’s a good history book, for those interested:

    The Secret of the Five Rites: In Search of a Lost Western Tradition of Inner Alchemy – by John Michael Greer

    The author didn’t originally set out to “debunk” anything, and is himself a keen spiritualist (and practitioner of the five rites), but he was curious about the origins of the rites, and ultimately found them—as a collection of five rites, and the other assorted advices given by Kelder—to be an American synthesis in the whole, each part inspired by various different physical practices (some of them hatha yoga, some from the then-popular German gymnastics movement, some purely American spiritualism, all available in books that were popular in California in the early 1900s).

    You may be wondering: why didn’t Kelder just say that, then, instead of telling stories of an ancient Tibetan tradition that empirically does not exist? The answer to this lies again in social science not health science, but it’s been argued that it’s common for Westerners to “pick ‘n’ mix” ideas from the East, champion them as inscrutably mystical, and (since they are inscrutable) then simply decide how to interpret and represent them. Here’s an excellent book on this, if you’re interested:

    Orientalism – by Edward Said

    (in Kelder’s case, this meant that “there’s a Tibetan tradition, trust me” was thus more marketable in the West than “I read these books in LA”)

    They are at least five rites: True or False?

    True! If we use the broad definition of “rite” as “something done repeatedly in a solemn fashion”. And there are indeed five of them:

    1. Spinning around (good for balance)
    2. Leg raises (this one’s from German gymnastics)
    3. Kneeling back bend (various possible sources)
    4. Tabletop (hatha yoga, amongst others)
    5. Pendulum (hatha yoga, amongst others) ← you may recognize this one from the Sun Salutation

    You can see them demonstrated here:

    Click Here If The Embedded Video Doesn’t Load Automatically

    Kelder also advocated for what was basically the Hay Diet (named not for the substance but for William Hay; it involved separating foods into acid and alkali, not necessarily according to the actual pH of the foods, and combining only “acid” foods or only “alkali” foods at a time), which was popular at the time, but has since been rejected as without scientific merit. Kelder referred to this as “the sixth rite”.

    The Five Rites restore youth by adjusting internal vortexes: True or False?

    False, in any scientific sense of that statement. Scientifically speaking, the body does not have vortexes to adjust, therefore that is not the mechanism of action.

    Spiritually speaking, who knows? Not us, a humble health science publication.

    The Five Rites are a pseudoscience popular in the US: True or False?

    True, if 27% of those who responded of our mostly North American readership can be considered as representative of what is popular.

    However…

    “Pseudoscience” gets thrown around a lot as a bad word; it’s often used as a criticism, but it doesn’t have to be. Consider:

    A small child who hears about “eating the rainbow” and mistakenly understands that we are all fuelled by internal rainbows that need powering-up by eating fruits and vegetables of different colors, and then does so…

    …does not hold a remotely scientific view of how things are happening, but is nevertheless doing the correct thing as recommended by our best current science.

    It’s thus a little similar with the five rites. Because…

    The Five Rites are at least good for our health: True or False?

    True! They are great for the health.

    The first one (spinning around) is good for balance. Science would recommend doing it both ways rather than just one way, but one is not bad. It trains balance, trains our stabilizing muscles, and confuses our heart a bit (in a good way).

    See also: Fall Special (How To Not Fall, And Not Get Injured If You Do)

    The second one (leg raises) is excellent for core strength, which in turn helps keep our organs where they are supposed to be (this is a bigger health issue than most people realise, because “out of sight, out of mind”), which is beneficial for many aspects of our health!

    See also: Visceral Belly Fat & How To Lose Itvisceral fat is the fat that surrounds your internal organs; too much there becomes a problem!

    The third, fourth, and fifth ones stretch our spine (healthily), strengthen our back, and in the cases of the fourth and fifth ones, are good full-body exercises for building strength, and maintaining muscle mass and mobility.

    See also: Building & Maintaining Mobility

    So in short…

    If you’ve been enjoying the Five Rites, by all means keep on doing them; they might not be Tibetan (or an ancient practice, as presented), and any mystical aspect is beyond the scope of our health science publication, but they are great for the health in science-based ways!

    Take care!

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  • Unleashing My Superpowers – by Dr. Patience Mpofu

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    Dr. Patience Mpofu is on a mission to provide women and girls with the inside-information, knowledge, resources, and strategies to break through the glass ceiling. She writes from her experience in STEM, but her lessons are applicable in any field.

    Her advices range from the internal (how to deal with imposter syndrome) to the external (how to overcome cultural biases); she also explains and illustrates the importance of both role models and mentors.

    While a lot of the book is half instruction manual, half memoir of her incredible life and career (to illustrate her points), and is well-worth reading—and/or perhaps worth gifting to a girl you know with ambitions in STEM?

    Grab a copy of Unleashing My Superpowers now!

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    Learn to Age Gracefully

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