Psychology Sunday Rewind: Healing Family Rifts
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Estrangement, And How To Heal It
The following article was first published a little under six months ago, and it proved to be our most popular “Psychology Sunday” article of the year.
We republish it today, in case it might also be of value to readers who have joined us since
Having written before about how deleterious to the health loneliness and isolation can be, and what things can be done about it, we had a request to write about…
❝Reconciliation of relationships in particular estrangement mother adult daughter❞
And, this is not only an interesting topic, but a very specific one that affects more people than is commonly realized!
In fact, a recent 800-person study found that more than 43% of people experienced family estrangement of one sort or another, and a more specific study of more than 2,000 mother-child pairs found that more than 11% of mothers were estranged from at least one adult child.
So, if you think of the ten or so houses nearest to you, probably at least one of them contains a parent estranged from at least one adult child. Maybe it’s yours. Either way, we hope this article will give you some pause for thought.
Which way around?
It makes a difference to the usefulness of this article whether any given reader experiencing estrangement is the parent or the adult child. We’re going to assume the reader is the parent. It also makes a difference who did the estranging. That’s usually the adult child.
So, we’re broadly going to write with that expectation.
Why does it happen?
When our kids are small, we as parents hold all the cards. It may not always feel that way, but we do. We control our kids’ environment, we influence their learning, we buy the food they eat and the clothes they wear. If they want to go somewhere, we probably have to take them. We can even set and enforce rules on a whim.
As they grow, so too does their independence, and it can be difficult for us as parents to relinquish control, but we’re going to have to at some point. Assuming we are good parents, we just hope we’ve prepared them well enough for the world.
Once they’ve flown the nest and are living their own adult lives, there’s an element of inversion. They used to be dependent on us; now, not only do they not need us (this is a feature not a bug! If we have been good parents, they will be strong without us, and in all likelihood one day, they’re going to have to be), but also…
We’re more likely to need them, now. Not just in the “oh if we have kids they can look after us when we’re old” sense, but in that their social lives are growing as ours are often shrinking, their family growing, while ours, well, it’s the same family but they’re the gatekeepers to that now.
If we have a good relationship, this goes fine. However, it might only take one big argument, one big transgression, or one “final straw”, when the adult child decides the parent is more trouble than they’re worth.
And, obviously, that’s going to hurt. But it’s pretty much how it pans out, according to studies:
Here be science: Tensions in the Parent and Adult Child Relationship: Links to Solidarity and Ambivalence
How to fix it, step one
First, figure out what went wrong.
Resist any urge to protect your own feelings with a defensive knee-jerk “I don’t know; I was a good, loving parent”. That’s a very natural and reasonable urge and you’re quite possibly correct, but it won’t help you here.
Something pushed them away. And, it will almost certainly have been a push factor from you, not a pull factor from whoever is in their life now. It’s easy to put the blame externally, but that won’t fix anything.
And, be honest with yourself; this isn’t a job interview where we have to present a strength dressed up as a “greatest weakness” for show.
You can start there, though! If you think “I was too loving”, then ok, how did you show that love? Could it have felt stifling to them? Controlling? Were you critical of their decisions?
It doesn’t matter who was right or wrong, or even whether or not their response was reasonable. It matters that you know what pushed them away.
How to fix it, step two
Take responsibility, and apologize. We’re going to assume that your estrangement is such that you can, at least, still get a letter to them, for example. Resist the urge to argue your case.
Here’s a very good format for an apology; please consider using this template:
The 10-step (!) apology that’s so good, you’ll want to make a note of it
You may have to do some soul-searching to find how you will avoid making the same mistake in the future, that you did in the past.
If you feel it’s something you “can’t change”, then you must decide what is more important to you. Only you can make that choice, but you cannot expect them to meet you halfway. They already made their choice. In the category of negotiation, they hold all the cards now.
How to fix it, step three
Now, just wait.
Maybe they will reply, forgiving you. If they do, celebrate!
Just be aware that once you reconnect is not the time to now get around to arguing your case from before. It will never be the time to get around to arguing your case from before. Let it go.
Nor should you try to exact any sort of apology from them for estranging you, or they will at best feel resentful, wonder if they made a mistake in reconnecting, and withdraw.
Instead, just enjoy what you have. Many people don’t get that.
If they reply with anger, maybe it will be a chance to reopen a dialogue. If so, family therapy could be an approach useful for all concerned, if they are willing. Chances are, you all have things that you’d all benefit from talking about in a calm, professional, moderated, neutral environment.
You might also benefit from a book we reviewed previously, “Parent Effectiveness Training”. This may seem like “shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted”, but in fact it’s a very good guide to relationship dynamics in general, and extensively covers relations between parents and adult children.
If they don’t reply, then, you did your part. Take solace in knowing that much.
Some final thoughts:
At the end of the day, as parents, our kids living well is (hopefully) testament to that we prepared them well for life, and sometimes, being a parent is a thankless task.
But, we (hopefully) didn’t become parents for the plaudits, after all.
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Red Light, Go!
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Casting Yourself In A Healthier Light
In Tuesday’s newsletter, we asked you for your opinion of red light therapy (henceforth: RLT), and got the above-depicted, below-described, set of responses:
- About 51% said “I have no idea whether light therapy works or not”
- About 24% said “Red light therapy is a valuable skin rejuvenation therapy”
- About 23% said “I have not previously heard of red light therapy”
- One (1) person said: “Red light therapy is a scam to sell shiny gadgets”
A number of subscribers wrote with personal anecdotes of using red light therapy to beneficial effect, for example:
❝My husband used red light therapy after surgery on his hand. It did seem to speed healing of the incision and there is very minimal scarring. I would like to know if the red light really helped or if he was just lucky❞
~ 10almonds subscriber
And one wrote to report having observed mixed results amongst friends, per:
❝Some people it works, others I’ve seen it breaks them out❞
~ 10almonds subscriber
So, what does the science say?
RLT rejuvenates skin, insofar as it reduces wrinkles and fine lines: True or False?
True! This one’s pretty clear-cut, so we’ll just give one example study of many, which found:
❝The treated subjects experienced significantly improved skin complexion and skin feeling, profilometrically assessed skin roughness, and ultrasonographically measured collagen density.
The blinded clinical evaluation of photographs confirmed significant improvement in the intervention groups compared with the control❞
~ Dr. Alexander Wunsch & Dr. Karsten Matuschka
RLT helps speed up healing of wounds: True or False?
True! There is less science for this than the above claim, but the studies that have been done are quite compelling, for example this NASA technology study found that…
❝LED produced improvement of greater than 40% in musculoskeletal training injuries in Navy SEAL team members, and decreased wound healing time in crew members aboard a U.S. Naval submarine.❞
Read more: Effect of NASA light-emitting diode irradiation on wound healing
RLT’s benefits are only skin-deep: True or False?
False, probably, but we’d love to see more science for this, to be sure.
However, it does look like wavelengths in the near-infrared spectrum reduce the abnormal tau protein and neurofibrillary tangles associated with Alzheimer’s disease, resulting in increased blood flow to the brain, and a decrease in neuroinflammation:
Therapeutic Potential of Photobiomodulation In Alzheimer’s Disease: A Systematic Review
Would you like to try RLT for yourself?
There are some contraindications, for example:
- if you have photosensitivity (for obvious reasons)
- if you have Lupus (mostly because of the above)
- if you have hyperthyroidism (because if you use RLT to your neck as well as face, it may help stimulate thyroid function, which in your case is not what you want)
As ever, please check with your own doctor if you’re not completely sure; we can’t cover all bases here, and cannot speak for your individual circumstances.
For most people though, it’s very safe, and if you’d like to try it, here’s an example product on Amazon, and by all means do read reviews and shop around for the ideal device for you
Take care! 😎
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This is a Levantine dish, Syrian in origin (although Lebanese cuisine uses it plenty too) and popularly enjoyed all the way up to Turkey, down to Egypt, and across to Armenia. And today, perhaps rather further afield! It’s first and foremost a spicy dip/spread, though it can be lengthened into a sauce, and/or made more substantial by adding an extra protein. We’ll give you the basic recipe though, and let you see where it takes you! Healthwise, it’s very nutritionally dense, mostly thanks to the walnuts and red peppers, though spices and olive oil bring their healthy benefits too.
You will need
- ½ cup chopped walnuts (ideally: toasted)
- 3 red peppers, from a jar (jarred over fresh not only improves the consistency, but also makes it extra gut-healthy due to the fermentation bacteria present; if you must use fresh, roast them first)
- 2 tbsp extra virgin olive oil
- 1 tbsp pomegranate molasses (you can omit if you don’t like sweetness, but this is traditional)
- 1 tbsp tomato purée
- 1 tbsp Aleppo pepper flakes (less, if you don’t like heat) (substitute another hot pepper if necessary)
- ½ bulb garlic, crushed
- 2 tsp ground smoked paprika
- 1 tsp ground cumin
- ½ tsp MSG or 1 tsp low-sodium salt
- Juice of 1 lemon
- Optional: handful of pomegranate seeds
- Optional: herb garnish, e.g. cilantro or parsley
Method
(we suggest you read everything at least once before doing anything)
1) Add everything except the pomegranate seeds and herbs to a blender, and blend to a smooth consistency.
2) Add the pomegranate seeds and herbs, as a garnish.
3) Serve! Can be enjoyed as a dip (perhaps using our Homemade Healthy Flatbreads recipe), or as a spread, or used as a sauce poured over chickpeas or some other bulky protein, to make a more substantial dish.
Enjoy!
Want to learn more?
For those interested in some of the science of what we have going on today:
- Walnuts vs Cashews – Which is Healthier?
- Capsaicin For Weight Loss And Against Inflammation
- Red Bell Peppers vs Tomatoes – Which is Healthier?
- Bell Peppers: A Spectrum Of Specialties
- Lycopene’s Benefits For The Gut, Heart, Brain, & More
Take care!
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Coenzyme Q10 From Foods & Supplements
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Coenzyme Q10 and the difference it makes
Coenzyme Q10, often abbreviated to CoQ10, is a popular supplement, and is often one of the more expensive supplements that’s commonly found on supermarket shelves as opposed to having to go to more specialist stores or looking online.
What is it?
It’s a compound naturally made in the human body and stored in mitochondria. Now, everyone remembers the main job of mitochondria (producing energy), but they also protect cells from oxidative stress, among other things. In other words, aging.
Like many things, CoQ10 production slows as we age. So after a certain age, often around 45 but lifestyle factors can push it either way, it can start to make sense to supplement.
Does it work?
The short answer is “yes”, though we’ll do a quick breakdown of some main benefits, and studies for such, before moving on.
First, do bear in mind that CoQ10 comes in two main forms, ubiquinol and ubiquinone.
Ubiquinol is much more easily-used by the body, so that’s the one you want. Here be science:
What is it good for?
Benefits include:
- Against aging
- Against skin cancer
- Against breast cancer
- Against prostate cancer
- Against heart failure
- Against obesity
- Against diabetes
- Against Alzheimer’s
- Against Parkinson’s
Can we get it from foods?
Yes, and it’s equally well-absorbed through foods or supplementation, so feel free to go with whichever is more convenient for you.
Read: Intestinal absorption of coenzyme Q10 administered in a meal or as capsules to healthy subjects
If you do want to get it from food, you can get it from many places:
- Organ meats: the top source, though many don’t want to eat them, either because they don’t like them or some of us just don’t eat meat. If you do, though, top choices include the heart, liver, and kidneys.
- Fatty fish: sardines are up top, along with mackerel, herring, and trout
- Vegetables: leafy greens, and cruciferous vegetables e.g. cauliflower, broccoli, sprouts
- Legumes: for example soy, lentils, peanuts
- Nuts and seeds: pistachios come up top; sesame seeds are great too
- Fruit: strawberries come up top; oranges are great too
If supplementing, how much is good?
Most studies have used doses in the 100mg–200mg (per day) range.
However, it’s also been found to be safe at 1200mg (per day), for example in this high-quality study that found that higher doses resulted in greater benefit, in patients with early Parkinson’s Disease:
Effects of coenzyme Q10 in early Parkinson disease: evidence of slowing of the functional decline
Wondering where you can get it?
We don’t sell it (or anything else for that matter), and you can probably find it in your local supermarket or health food store. However, if you’d like to buy it online, here’s an example product on Amazon
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11 Minutes to Pain-Free Hips – by Melinda Wright
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If hips don’t lie, what are yours saying to you? If what they’re saying to you sounds like a cry for help sometimes, this is the book to get you onto a better track.
The hip is the largest joint in your body, and it bears a lot of weight. So it’s little wonder if sometimes they’d like a word with the boss. The question is: what will you do about it? Melinda Wright has suggestions to keep your hips—and you—happy.
She spends the first couple of chapters introducing key concepts, and some anatomy and physiology that’ll be good to know.
Then we’re into resistance stretching, basic hip exercises, all the way through to more advanced stuff. There are very clear photos for each. One thing that stands out about this book is each exercise is not just explained simply and clearly, but also offers “easing oneself in” exercises. After all, we’re not all at the same starting point.
The book finishes off with some more holistic advice about chronic pain management, based on her personal experience with scoliosis, and some dietary tips to reduce joint pain and inflammation too.
All in all, a very helpful book!
Pick up 11 “Minutes to Pain-Free Hips” at Amazon today!
^You will also see options for pain-free back, and pain-free neck, by the same author
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What’s behind rising heart attack rates in younger adults
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Deaths from heart attacks have been in decline for decades, thanks to improved diagnosis and treatments. But, among younger adults under 50 and those from communities that have been marginalized, the trend has reversed.
More young people have suffered heart attacks each year since the 2000s—and the reasons why aren’t always clear.
Here’s what you need to know about heart attack trends in younger adults.
Heart attack deaths began declining in the 1980s
Heart disease has been a leading cause of death in the United States for more than a century, but rates have declined for decades as diagnosis and treatments improved. In the 1950s, half of all Americans who had heart attacks died, compared to one in eight today.
A 2023 study found that heart attack deaths declined 4 percent a year between 1999 and 2020.
The downward trend plateaued in the 2000s as heart attacks in young adults rose
In 2012, the decline in heart disease deaths in the U.S. began to slow. A 2018 study revealed that a growing number of younger adults were suffering heart attacks, with women more affected than men. Additionally, younger adults made up one-third of heart attack hospitalizations, with one in five heart attack patients being under 40.
The following year, data showed that heart attack rates among adults under 40 had increased steadily since 2006. Even more troubling, young patients were just as likely to die from heart attacks as patients more than a decade older.
Why are more younger adults having heart attacks?
Heart attacks have historically been viewed as a condition that primarily affects older adults. So, what has changed in recent decades that puts younger adults at higher risk?
Higher rates of obesity, diabetes, and high blood pressure
Several leading risk factors for heart attacks are rising among younger adults.
Between 2009 and 2020, diabetes and obesity rates increased in Americans ages 20 to 44.During the same period, hypertension, or high blood pressure, rates did not improve in younger adults overall and worsened in young Hispanic people. Notably, young Black adults had hypertension rates nearly twice as high as the general population.
Hypertension significantly increases the risk of heart attack and cardiovascular death in young adults.
Increased substance use
Substance use of all kinds increases the risk of cardiovascular issues, including heart attacks. A recent study found that cardiovascular deaths associated with substance use increased by 4 percent annually between 1999 and 2019.
The rise in substance use-related deaths has accelerated since 2012 and was particularly pronounced among women, younger adults (25-39), American Indians and Alaska Natives, and those in rural areas.
Alcohol was linked to 65 percent of the deaths, but stimulants (like methamphetamine) and cannabis were the substances associated with the greatest increase in cardiovascular deaths during the study period.
Poor mental health
Depression and poor mental health have been linked to cardiovascular issues in young adults. A 2023 study of nearly 600,000 adults under 50 found that depression and self-reported poor mental health are a risk factor for heart disease, regardless of socioeconomic or other cardiovascular risk factors.
Adults under 50 years consistently report mental health conditions at around twice the rate of older adults. Additionally, U.S. depression rates have trended up and reached an all-time high in 2023, when 17.8 percent of adults reported having depression.
Depression rates are rising fastest among women, adults under 44, and Black and Hispanic populations.
COVID-19
COVID-19 can cause real, lasting damage to the heart, increasing the risk of certain cardiovascular diseases for up to a year after infection. Vaccination reduces the risk of heart attack and other cardiovascular events caused by COVID-19 infection.
The first year of the pandemic marked the largest single-year spike in heart-related deaths in five years, including a 14 percent increase in heart attacks. In the second year of the pandemic, heart attacks in young adults increased by 30 percent.
Heart attack prevention
Not every heart attack is preventable, but everyone can take steps to reduce their risks. The American Heart Association recommends managing health conditions that increase heart disease risk, including diabetes, obesity, and high blood pressure.
Lifestyle changes like improving diet, reducing substance use, and increasing physical activity can also help reduce heart attack risk.
For more information, talk to your health care provider.
This article first appeared on Public Good News and is republished here under a Creative Commons license.
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Is owning a dog good for your health?
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Australia loves dogs. We have one of the highest rates of pet ownership in the world, and one in two households has at least one dog.
But are they good for our health?
Mental health is the second-most common reason cited for getting a dog, after companionship. And many of us say we “feel healthier” for having a dog – and let them sleep in our bedroom.
Here’s what it means for our physical and mental health to share our homes (and doonas) with our canine companions.
Pogodina Natalia/Shutterstock Are there physical health benefits to having a dog?
Having a dog is linked to lower risk of death over the long term. In 2019, a systematic review gathered evidence published over 70 years, involving nearly four million individual medical cases. It found people who owned a dog had a 24% lower risk of dying from any cause compared to those who did not own a dog.
Having a dog may help lower your blood pressure through more physical activity. Barnabas Davoti/Pexels Dog ownership was linked to increased physical activity. This lowered blood pressure and helped reduce the risk of stroke and heart disease.
The review found for those with previous heart-related medical issues (such as heart attack), living with a dog reduced their subsequent risk of dying by 35%, compared to people with the same history but no dog.
Another recent UK study found adult dog owners were almost four times as likely to meet daily physical activity targets as non-owners. Children in households with a dog were also more active and engaged in more unstructured play, compared to children whose family didn’t have a dog.
Exposure to dirt and microbes carried in from outdoors may also strengthen immune systems and lead to less use of antibiotics in young children who grow up with dogs.
Children in households with a dog were often more active. Maryshot/Shutterstock Health risks
However, dogs can also pose risks to our physical health. One of the most common health issues for pet owners is allergies.
Dogs’ saliva, urine and dander (the skin cells they shed) can trigger allergic reactions resulting in a range of symptoms, from itchy eyes and runny nose to breathing difficulties.
A recent meta-analysis pooled data from nearly two million children. Findings suggested early exposure to dogs may increase the risk of developing asthma (although not quite as much as having a cat does). The child’s age, how much contact they have with the dog and their individual risk all play a part.
Slips, trips and falls are another risk – more people fall over due to dogs than cats.
Having a dog can also expose you to bites and scratches which may become infected and pose a risk for those with compromised immune systems. And they can introduce zoonotic diseases into your home, including ring worm and Campylobacter, a disease that causes diarrhoea.
For those sharing the bed there is an elevated the risk of allergies and picking up ringworm. It may result in lost sleep, as dogs move around at night.
On the other hand some owners report feeling more secure while co-sleeping with their dogs, with the emotional benefit outweighing the possibility of sleep disturbance or waking up with flea bites.
Proper veterinary care and hygiene practices are essential to minimise these risks.
Many of us don’t just share a home with a dog – we let them sleep in our beds. Claudia Mañas/Unsplash What about mental health?
Many people know the benefits of having a dog are not only physical.
As companions, dogs can provide significant emotional support helping to alleviate symptoms of anxiety, depression and post-traumatic stress. Their presence may offer comfort and a sense of purpose to individuals facing mental health challenges.
Loneliness is a significant and growing public health issue in Australia.
In the dog park and your neighbourhood, dogs can make it easier to strike up conversations with strangers and make new friends. These social interactions can help build a sense of community belonging and reduce feelings of social isolation.
For older adults, dog walking can be a valuable loneliness intervention that encourages social interaction with neighbours, while also combating declining physical activity.
However, if you’re experiencing chronic loneliness, it may be hard to engage with other people during walks. An Australian study found simply getting a dog was linked to decreased loneliness. People reported an improved mood – possibly due to the benefits of strengthening bonds with their dog.
Walking a dog can make it easier to talk to people in your neighbourhood. KPegg/Shutterstock What are the drawbacks?
While dogs can bring immense joy and numerous health benefits, there are also downsides and challenges. The responsibility of caring for a dog, especially one with behavioural issues or health problems, can be overwhelming and create financial stress.
Dogs have shorter lifespans than humans, and the loss of a beloved companion can lead to depression or exacerbate existing mental health conditions.
Lifestyle compatibility and housing conditions also play a significant role in whether having a dog is a good fit.
The so-called pet effect suggests that pets, often dogs, improve human physical and mental health in all situations and for all people. The reality is more nuanced. For some, having a pet may be more stressful than beneficial.
Importantly, the animals that share our homes are not just “tools” for human health. Owners and dogs can mutually benefit when the welfare and wellbeing of both are maintained.
Tania Signal, Professor of Psychology, School of Health, Medical and Applied Sciences, CQUniversity Australia
This article is republished from The Conversation under a Creative Commons license. Read the original article.
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