To Err Is Human; To Forgive, Healthy

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How To Forgive (And Why)

There’s an old saying that holding onto a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. If only it were so simple and easy as just choosing to let go!

But it’s not, is it?

When people have wronged us and/or wronged our loved ones, it’s hard to forgive, especially if they have not changed. For that matter, it can be hard to forgive ourselves for mistakes that we made, too.

Either way, “drinking that poison” can be close to literal, in terms of what harboring such anger and resentment can do for our cortisol levels.

So, what to do about it?

If you have a dialogue with the person, our previous article on communication may help a lot.

If you don’t, there are various other angles that can be taken:

The Unsent Letter

You can even send it, if you like, but it’s not the point here. The idea is to write to the person, expressing your grievances. But, (as per the above-linked article on communication) try to focus at least as much on your feelings as their actions. “When you did/said x, I felt y”, etc.

This is important for helping you process your feelings. If you send the letter, it’s also important for the other person to be able to understand your feelings.

Sometimes, we feel the things we do so strongly because we don’t have an outlet for them. Pouring out our emotions in such a fashion, on the other hand, means (to labor the metaphor) they’re no longer bottled up. Even just in and of itself, that can provide us a lot of relief.

And when we the negative emotions are no longer such high pressure, it can be easier to let go of them.

Mindfulness

Following on from the above idea, a good strategy can be simply sitting and feeling everything you need to feel, noticing it without judgement, like a curious observer.

Sometimes what we need is just to be heard, and that starts with hearing ourselves.

Compassion

There’s a Buddhist exercise that involves actively feeling compassion for three people: a loved one, a stranger, and an enemy. Many people report that it’s actually harder to feel compassion for a random stranger, than an enemy. Why? Because we don’t know them; we don’t know what’s good and bad about them in our estimation.

If you’re reading this because you want to be able to gain the peace of being able to forgive someone (even if that someone is yourself), then in at least some respect right now, that person is in the “enemy” category. So how do we unpack that?

To err is human. Everybody screws up sometimes. And also, everyone has a reason (or a complex of reasons) for acting the way they do. This does not mean that those reasons excuse the behavior, but it can explain it.

You don’t get angry at a storm for soaking you through. Even if you might not understand the physics of it in the way a meteorologist might, you understand that there were things that led to that, and you were just in the wrong place at the wrong time.

So why do we get angry at someone else for wronging us? Even if we might not understand the personal background of it in the way their psychologist or therapist might, we (hopefully) understand that there were things that caused them to be the way they were, and we were just in the wrong place at the wrong time.

And ourselves? We probably know, when we made a mistake, why we made it. Maybe we were afraid, insecure, reactive, forgetful, or too focused on some other thing. Whatever it was, we did our best at the time and, apparently, our best wasn’t as good as we’d like.

If we didn’t deserve forgiveness, we wouldn’t be critical of our past selves in the first place.

And, the science is very clear that it’s important for our health for other reasons besides cortisol management, too.

And as for others? They did the best they knew how. Maybe they were afraid, insecure, reactive, forgetful, or too focused on some other thing. Same story, different character.

Remembering that can be key to “accepting the apology we never received”.

Forgiving without forgetting

Developing the ability to forgive is a useful tool for our own mental health. It doesn’t mean we must or even should make ourselves a doormat.

“I forgive you” does not have to mean a clean slate; it means remembering that the thing happened, and just not holding on to the anger/resentment associated with it.

It may be water under the bridge now, but it might have been a devastatingly destructive wave at the time, and continuing to acknowledge truth that is sensible. Just, from a position of peace now, hopefully.

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  • Elderberries vs Gooseberries – Which is Healthier?

    10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.

    Our Verdict

    When comparing elderberries to gooseberries, we picked the elderberries.

    Why?

    These are both berries more likely found in your garden or local wood than in the supermarket, but if you have convenient access to them, they’re great options for eating!

    In terms of macros, elderberry has nearly 2x the carbs and/but also nearly 2x the fiber, which in glycemic index terms, mostly cancels out (although: elderberry has the slightly lower glycemic index of the two)

    In the category of vitamins, both are great but elderberries are winning with more of vitamins A, B1, B2, B3, B6, and C, while gooseberries have more vitamin B5.

    When it comes to minerals, elderberries again lead with more calcium, iron, phosphorus, and potassium, while gooseberries have more magnesium.

    There is an extra category today, which is “extra medicinal properties”, and elderberries have extra immune-boosting qualities, whereas gooseberries—while being as polyphenol-laden as one usually expects berries to be—do not confer the same kind of benefit in this regard.

    You can check out the information about elderberry’s extra properties in the links section below; meanwhile, if you’re choosing between these berries, that’s the clear winner in every category today!

    Want to learn more?

    You might like to read:

    Take care!

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  • From straight to curly, thick to thin: here’s how hormones and chemotherapy can change your hair

    10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.

    Head hair comes in many colours, shapes and sizes, and hairstyles are often an expression of personal style or cultural identity.

    Many different genes determine our hair texture, thickness and colour. But some people’s hair changes around the time of puberty, pregnancy or after chemotherapy.

    So, what can cause hair to become curlier, thicker, thinner or grey?

    Curly or straight? How hair follicle shape plays a role

    Hair is made of keratin, a strong and insoluble protein. Each hair strand grows from its own hair follicle that extends deep into the skin.

    Curly hair forms due to asymmetry of both the hair follicle and the keratin in the hair.

    Follicles that produce curly hair are asymmetrical and curved and lie at an angle to the surface of the skin. This kinks the hair as it first grows.

    The asymmetry of the hair follicle also causes the keratin to bunch up on one side of the hair strand. This pulls parts of the hair strand closer together into a curl, which maintains the curl as the hair continues to grow.

    Follicles that are symmetrical, round and perpendicular to the skin surface produce straight hair.

    A diagram shows the hair follicle shape of straight, curly and coiled hair.
    Each hair strand grows from its own hair follicle.
    Mosterpiece/Shutterstock

    Life changes, hair changes

    Our hair undergoes repeated cycles throughout life, with different stages of growth and loss.

    Each hair follicle contains stem cells, which multiply and grow into a hair strand.

    Head hairs spend most of their time in the growth phase, which can last for several years. This is why head hair can grow so long.

    Let’s look at the life of a single hair strand. After the growth phase is a transitional phase of about two weeks, where the hair strand stops growing. This is followed by a resting phase where the hair remains in the follicle for a few months before it naturally falls out.

    The hair follicle remains in the skin and the stems cells grow a new hair to repeat the cycle.

    Each hair on the scalp is replaced every three to five years.

    A woman with curly hair works on her computer.
    Each hair on the scalp is replaced every three to five years.
    Just Life/Shutterstock

    Hormone changes during and after pregnancy alter the usual hair cycle

    Many women notice their hair is thicker during pregnancy.

    During pregnancy, high levels of oestrogen, progesterone and prolactin prolong the resting phase of the hair cycle. This means the hair stays in the hair follicle for longer, with less hair loss.

    A drop in hormones a few months after delivery causes increased hair loss. This is due to all the hairs that remained in the resting phase during pregnancy falling out in a fairly synchronised way.

    Hair can change around puberty, pregnancy or after chemotherapy

    This is related to the genetics of hair shape, which is an example of incomplete dominance.

    Incomplete dominance is when there is a middle version of a trait. For hair, we have curly hair and straight hair genes. But when someone has one curly hair gene and one straight hair gene, they can have wavy hair.

    Hormonal changes that occur around puberty and pregnancy can affect the function of genes. This can cause the curly hair gene of someone with wavy hair to become more active. This can change their hair from wavy to curly.

    Researchers have identified that activating specific genes can change hair in pigs from straight to curly.

    Chemotherapy has very visible effects on hair. Chemotherapy kills rapidly dividing cells, including hair follicles, which causes hair loss. Chemotherapy can also have genetic effects that influence hair follicle shape. This can cause hair to regrow with a different shape for the first few cycles of hair regrowth.

    A woman with wavy hair looks in a mirror
    Your hair can change at different stages of your life.
    Igor Ivakhno/Shutterstock

    Hormonal changes as we age also affect our hair

    Throughout life, thyroid hormones are essential for production of keratin. Low levels of thyroid hormones can cause dry and brittle hair.

    Oestrogen and androgens also regulate hair growth and loss, particularly as we age.

    Balding in males is due to higher levels of androgens. In particular, high dihydrotestosterone (sometimes shortened to DHT), which is produced in the body from testosterone, has a role in male pattern baldness.

    Some women experience female pattern hair loss. This is caused by a combination of genetic factors plus lower levels of oestrogen and higher androgens after menopause. The hair follicles become smaller and smaller until they no longer produce hairs.

    Reduced function of the cells that produce melanin (the pigment that gives our hair colour) is what causes greying.The Conversation

    Theresa Larkin, Associate professor of Medical Sciences, University of Wollongong

    This article is republished from The Conversation under a Creative Commons license. Read the original article.

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  • I’ve been diagnosed with cancer. How do I tell my children?

    10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.

    With around one in 50 adults diagnosed with cancer each year, many people are faced with the difficult task of sharing the news of their diagnosis with their loved ones. Parents with cancer may be most worried about telling their children.

    It’s best to give children factual and age-appropriate information, so children don’t create their own explanations or blame themselves. Over time, supportive family relationships and open communication help children adjust to their parent’s diagnosis and treatment.

    It’s natural to feel you don’t have the skills or knowledge to talk with your children about cancer. But preparing for the conversation can improve your confidence.

    Benjamin Manley/Unsplash

    Preparing for the conversation

    Choose a suitable time and location in a place where your children feel comfortable. Turn off distractions such as screens and phones.

    For teenagers, who can find face-to-face conversations confronting, think about talking while you are going for a walk.

    Consider if you will tell all children at once or separately. Will you be the only adult present, or will having another adult close to your child be helpful? Another adult might give your children a person they can talk to later, especially to answer questions they might be worried about asking you.

    Two sisters
    Choose the time and location when your children feel comfortable. Craig Adderley/Pexels

    Finally, plan what to do after the conversation, like doing an activity with them that they enjoy. Older children and teenagers might want some time alone to digest the news, but you can suggest things you know they like to do to relax.

    Also consider what you might need to support yourself.

    Preparing the words

    Parents might be worried about the best words or language to use to make sure the explanations are at a level their child understands. Make a plan for what you will say and take notes to stay on track.

    The toughest part is likely to be saying to your children that you have cancer. It can help to practise saying those words out aloud.

    Ask family and friends for their feedback on what you want to say. Make use of guides by the Cancer Council, which provide age-appropriate wording for explaining medical terms like “cancer”, “chemotherapy” and “tumour”.

    Having the conversation

    Being open, honest and factual is important. Consider the balance between being too vague, and providing too much information. The amount and type of information you give will be based on their age and previous experiences with illness.

    Remember, if things don’t go as planned, you can always try again later.

    Start by telling your children the news in a few short sentences, describing what you know about the diagnosis in language suitable for their age. Generally, this information will include the name of the cancer, the area of the body affected and what will be involved in treatment.

    Let them know what to expect in the coming weeks and months. Balance hope with reality. For example:

    The doctors will do everything they can to help me get well. But, it is going to be a long road and the treatments will make me quite sick.

    Check what your child knows about cancer. Young children may not know much about cancer, while primary school-aged children are starting to understand that it is a serious illness. Young children may worry about becoming unwell themselves, or other loved ones becoming sick.

    Child hiding in cushions
    Young children might worry about other loved ones becoming sick. Pixabay/Pexels

    Older children and teenagers may have experiences with cancer through other family members, friends at school or social media.

    This process allows you to correct any misconceptions and provides opportunities for them to ask questions. Regardless of their level of knowledge, it is important to reassure them that the cancer is not their fault.

    Ask them if there is anything they want to know or say. Talk to them about what will stay the same as well as what may change. For example:

    You can still do gymnastics, but sometimes Kate’s mum will have to pick you up if I am having treatment.

    If you can’t answer their questions, be OK with saying “I’m not sure”, or “I will try to find out”.

    Finally, tell children you love them and offer them comfort.

    How might they respond?

    Be prepared for a range of different responses. Some might be distressed and cry, others might be angry, and some might not seem upset at all. This might be due to shock, or a sign they need time to process the news. It also might mean they are trying to be brave because they don’t want to upset you.

    Children’s reactions will change over time as they come to terms with the news and process the information. They might seem like they are happy and coping well, then be teary and clingy, or angry and irritable.

    Older children and teenagers may ask if they can tell their friends and family about what is happening. It may be useful to come together as a family to discuss how to inform friends and family.

    What’s next?

    Consider the conversation the first of many ongoing discussions. Let children know they can talk to you and ask questions.

    Resources might also help; for example, The Cancer Council’s app for children and teenagers and Redkite’s library of free books for families affected by cancer.

    If you or other adults involved in the children’s lives are concerned about how they are coping, speak to your GP or treating specialist about options for psychological support.

    Cassy Dittman, Senior Lecturer/Head of Course (Undergraduate Psychology), Research Fellow, Manna Institute, CQUniversity Australia; Govind Krishnamoorthy, Senior Lecturer, School of Psychology and Wellbeing, Post Doctoral Fellow, Manna Institute, University of Southern Queensland, and Marg Rogers, Senior Lecturer, Early Childhood Education; Post Doctoral Fellow, Manna Institute, University of New England

    This article is republished from The Conversation under a Creative Commons license. Read the original article.

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  • 8 Critical Signs Of Blood Clots That You Shouldn’t Ignore

    10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.

    Blood clots can form as part of deep vein thrombosis or for other reasons; wherever they form (unless they are just doing their job healing a wound) they can cause problems. But how to know what’s going on inside our body?

    Telltale signs

    Our usual medical/legal disclaimer applies here, and we are not doctors, let alone your doctors, and even if we were we couldn’t diagnose from afar… But for educational purposes, here are the eight signs from the video:

    • Swelling: especially if only on one leg (assuming you have no injury to account for it), which may feel tight and uncomfortable
    • Warmness: does the area warmer to the touch? This may be because of the body’s inflammatory response trying to deal with a blood clot
    • Tenderness: again, caused by the inflammation in response to the clot
    • Discolored skin: it could be reddish, or bruise-like. This could be patchy or spread over a larger area, because of a clot blocking the flow of blood
    • Shortness of breath: if a clot makes it to the lungs, it can cause extra problems there (pulmonary embolism), and shortness of breath is the first sign of this
    • Coughing up blood: less common than the above but a much more serious sign; get thee to a hospital
    • Chest pain: a sharp or stabbing pain, in particular. The pain may worsen with deep breaths or coughing. Again, seek medical attention.

    For more on recognizing these signs (including helpful visuals), and more on what to do about them and how to avoid them in the first place, enjoy:

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    Further reading

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    Dietary Changes for Artery Health

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  • Feel Better In 5 – by Dr. Rangan Chatterjee

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    We’ve featured Dr. Rangan Chatterjee before, and here’s a great book of his.

    The premise is a realistic twist on a classic, the classic being “such-and-such, in just 5 minutes per day!”

    In this case, Dr. Chatterjee offers many lifestyle interventions that each take just 5 minutes, with the idea that you implement 3 of them per day (your choice which and when), and thus gradually build up healthy habits. Of course, once things take as habits, you’ll start adding in more, and before you know it, half your lifestyle has changed for the better.

    Which, you may be thinking “my lifestyle’s not that bad”, but if you improve the health outcomes of, say, 20 areas of your life by just a few percent each, you know much better health that adds up to? We’ll give you a clue: it doesn’t add up, it compounds, because each improves the other too, for no part of the body works entirely in isolation.

    And Dr. Chatterjee does tackle the body systematically, by the way; interventions for the gut, heart, brain, and so on.

    As for what these interventions look like; it is very varied. One might be a physical exercise; another, a mental exercise; another, a “make this health 5-minute thing in the kitchen”, etc, etc.

    Bottom line: this is the most supremely easy of easy-ins to healthier living, whatever your starting point—because even if you’re doing half of these interventions, chances are you aren’t doing the other half, and the idea is to pick and choose how and when you adopt them in any case, just picking three 5-minute interventions each day with no restrictions. In short, a lot of value to had here when it comes to real changes to one’s serious measurable health.

    Click here to check out Feel Better In 5, and indeed feel better in 5!

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  • Total Fitness After 40 – by Nick Swettenham

    10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.

    Time may march relentlessly on, but can we retain our youthful good health?

    The answer is that we can… to a degree. And where we can’t, we can and should adapt what we do as we age.

    The key, as Swettenham illustrates, is that there are lifestyle factors that will help us to age more slowly, thus retaining our youthful good health for longer. At the same time, there are factors of which we must simply be mindful, and take care of ourselves a little differently now than perhaps we did when we were younger. Here, Swettenham acts guide and instructor.

    A limitation of the book is that it was written with the assumption that the reader is a man. This does mean that anything relating to hormones is assuming that we have less testosterone as we’re getting older and would like to have more, which is obviously not the case for everyone. However, happily, the actual advice remains applicable regardless.

    Swettenham covers the full spread of what he believes everyone should take into account as we age:

    • Mindset changes (accepting that physical changes are happening, without throwing our hands in the air and giving up)
    • Focus on important aspects such as:
      • strength
      • flexibility
      • mobility
      • agility
      • endurance
    • Some attention is also given to diet—nothing you won’t have read elsewhere, but it’s a worthy mention.

    All in all, this is a fine book if you’re thinking of taking up or maintaining an exercise routine that doesn’t stick its head in the sand about your aging body, but doesn’t just roll over and give up either. A worthy addition to anyone’s bookshelf!

    Check Out Fitness After 40 On Amazon Today!

    Looking for a more women-centric equivalent book? Vonda Wright M.D. has you covered (and her bio is very impressive)!

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