Dealing With Overwhelm

Whether we live a hectic life in general, or we usually casually take each day as it comes but sometimes several days gang up on us at once, everyone gets overwhelmed sometimes.

Today we’re going to look at how to deal with it healthily.

Step 1: Start anywhere

It’s easy to get stuck in “analysis paralysis” and not know how to tackle an unexpected large problem. An (unhealthy) alternative is to try to tackle everything at once, and end up doing nothing very well.

Even the most expert juggler will not successfully juggle 10 random things thrown unexpectedly at them.

So instead, just pick any part of the the mountain of to-dos, and start.

If you do want a little more finesse though, check out:

Procrastination, And How To Pay Off The To-Do List Debt

Step 2: Accept what you’re capable of

This one works both ways. It means being aware of your limitations yes, but also, of your actual abilities:

• Is the task ahead of you really beyond what you are capable of?
• Could you do it right now without hesitation if a loved one’s life depended on it?
• Could you do it, but there’s a price to pay (e.g. you can do it but it’ll wipe you out in some other life area)?

Work out what’s possible and acceptable to you, and make a decision. And remember, it could be that someone else could do it, but everyone has taken the “if you want something doing, give it to someone busy” approach. It’s flattering that people have such confidence in our competence, but it is also necessary to say “no” sometimes, or at least enlisting help.

Step 3: Listen to your body

…like a leader listening to an advisory council. Your perception of tiredness, pain, weakness, and all your emotions are simply messengers. Listen to the message! And then say “thank you for the information”, and proceed accordingly.

Sometimes that will be in the way the messengers seem to be hoping for!

Sometimes, however, maybe we (blessed with a weighty brain and not entirely a slave to our limbic system) know better, and know when it’s right to push through instead.

Similarly, that voice in your head? You get to decide where it goes and doesn’t. On which note…

Step 4: Be responsive, not reactive

We wrote previously on the difference between these:

A Bone To Pick… Up And Then Put Back Where We Found It

Measured responses will always be better than knee-jerk reactions, unless it is literally a case of a split-second making a difference. 99% of our problems in life are not so; usually the problem will still be there unchanged after a moment’s mindful consideration, so invest in that moment.

You’ve probably heard the saying “give me six hours to chop down a tree, and I’ll spend the first four sharpening the axe”. In this case, that can be your mind. Here’s a good starting point:

No-Frills, Evidence-Based Mindfulness

And if your mental state is already worse than that, mind racing with threats (real or perceived) and doom-laden scenarios, here’s how to get out of that negative spiral first, so that you can apply the rest of this:

The Off-Button For Your Brain

Do remember to turn it on again afterwards, though

Step 5: Transcend discomfort

This is partly a callback to step 3, but it’s now coming from a place of a clear ready mind, so the territory should be looking quite different now. Nevertheless, it’s entirely possible that your clear view shows discomfort ahead.

You’re going to make a conscious decision whether or not to proceed through the discomfort (and if you’re not, then now’s the time to start calmly and measuredly looking at alternative plans; delegating, ditching, etc).

If you are going to proceed through discomfort, then it can help to frame the discomfort as simply a neutral part of the path to getting where you want. Maybe you’re going to be going way out of your comfort zone in order to deal with something, and if that’s the case, make your peace with it now, in advance.

“Certainly it hurts” / “Well, what’s the trick then?” / “The trick, William Potter, is not minding that it hurts”

(lines from a famous scene from the 1962 movie Lawrence of Arabia)

It’s ok to say to yourself (if it’s what you decide is the right thing to do) “Yep, this experience is going to suck terribly, but I’m going to do it anyway”.

See also (this being about Radical Acceptance):

What’s The Worst That Could Happen?

Take care!

Parent(s) To The Rescue?

We’ve written before about the very common (yes, really, it is common) phenomenon of estrangement between parents and adult children:

Family Estrangement & How To Fix It

We’ve also written about the juggling act that can be…

Managing Sibling Relationships In Adult Life

…which includes dealing with such situations as supporting each other through difficult times, while still maintaining healthy boundaries.

But what about when one’s [adult] child is in crisis?

When a parent’s job never ends

Hopefully, we have not been estranged (or worse, bereaved) by our children.

In which case, when crisis hits, we are likely to be amongst the first to whom our children will reach out for support. Naturally, we will want to help. But how can we do that, and where (if applicable) to draw the line?

No “helicopter parenting”

If you’ve not heard the term “helicopter parenting”, it refers to the sort of parents who hover around, waiting to swoop in at a moment’s notice.

This is most often applied to parents of kids of university age and downwards, but it’s worth keeping it in mind at any age.

After all, we do want our kids to be able to solve their own problems if possible!

So, if you’ve ever advised your kid to “take a deep breath and count to 10” (or even if you haven’t), then, consider doing that too, and then…

Listen first!

If your first reaction isn’t to join them in panic, it might be to groan and “oh not again”. But for now, quietly shelve that, and listen to whatever it is.

See also: Active Listening (Without Sounding Like A Furby)

And certainly, do your best to maintain your own calm while listening. Your kid is in all likelihood looking to you to be the rock in the storm, so let’s be that.

Empower them, if you can

Maybe they just needed to vent. If so, the above will probably cover it.

More likely, they need help.

Perhaps they need guidance, from your greater life experience. Sometimes things that can seem like overwhelming challenges to one person, are a thing we dealt with 20 or more years ago (it probably felt overwhelming to us at the time, too, but here we are, the other side of it).

Tip: ask “are you looking for my guidance/advice/etc?” before offering it. Doing so will make it much more likely to be accepted rather than rejected as unsolicited advice.

Chances are, they will take the life-ring offered.

It could be that that’s not what they had in mind, and they’re looking for material support. If so…

When it’s about money or similar

Tip: it’s worth thinking about this sort of thing in advance (now is great, if you have adult kids), and ask yourself nowwhat you’d be prepared to give in that regard, e.g:

• if they need money, how much (if any) are you willing and able to provide?
• if they want/need to come stay with you, how prepared are you for that (including: if they want/need to actually move back in with you for a while, which is increasingly common these days)?

Having these answers in your head ready will make the conversation a lot less difficult in the moment, and will avoid you giving a knee-jerk response you might regret (in either direction).

Have a counteroffer up your sleeve if necessary

Maybe:

• you can’t solve their life problem for them, but you can help them find a therapist (if applicable, for example)
• you can’t solve their money problem for them, but you can help them find a free debt advice service (if applicable, for example)
• you can’t solve their residence problem for them, but you can help them find a service that can help with that (if applicable, for example)

You don’t need to brainstorm now for every option; you’re a parent, not Batman. But it’s a lot easier to think through such hypothetical thought-experiments now, than it will be with your fraught kid on the phone later.

Magic words to remember: “Let’s find a way through this for you”

Don’t forget to look after yourself

Many of us, as parents, will tend to not think twice before sacrificing something for our kid(s). That’s generally laudable, but we must avoid accidentally becoming “the giving tree” who has nothing left for ourself, and that includes our mental energy and our personal peace.

That doesn’t mean that when our kid comes in crisis we say “Shh, stop disturbing my personal peace”, but it does mean that we remember to keep at least some boundaries (also figure out now what they are, too!), and to take care of ourselves too.

The following article was written with a slightly different scenario in mind, but the advice remains just as valid here:

How To Avoid Carer Burnout (Without Dropping Care)

Take care!