HRT: Bioidentical vs Animal

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HRT: A Tale Of Two Approaches

In yesterday’s newsletter, we asked you for your assessment of menopausal hormone replacement therapy (HRT).

  • A little over a third said “It can be medically beneficial, but has some minor drawbacks”
  • A little under a third said “It helps, but at the cost of increased cancer risk; not worth it”
  • Almost as many said “It’s a wondrous cure-all that makes you happier, healthier, and smell nice too”
  • Four said “It is a dangerous scam and a sham; “au naturel” is the way to go”

So what does the science say?

Which HRT?

One subscriber who voted for “It’s a wondrous cure-all that makes you healthier, happier, and smell nice too” wrote to add:

❝My answer is based on biodentical hormone replacement therapy. Your survey did not specify.❞

And that’s an important distinction! We did indeed mean bioidentical HRT, because, being completely honest here, this European writer had no idea that Premarin etc were still in such wide circulation in the US.

So to quickly clear up any confusion:

  • Bioidentical hormones: these are (as the name suggests) identical on a molecular level to the kind produced by humans.
  • Conjugated Equine Estrogens: such as Premarin, come from animals. Indeed, the name “Premarin” comes from “pregnant mare urine”, the substance used to make it.

There are also hormone analogs, such as medroxyprogesterone acetate, which is a progestin and not the same thing as progesterone. Hormone analogs such as the aforementioned MPA are again, a predominantly-American thing—though they did test it first in third-world countries, after testing it on animals and finding it gave them various kinds of cancer (breast, cervical, ovarian, uterine).

A quick jumping-off point if you’re interested in that:

Depot medroxyprogesterone acetate and the risk of breast and gynecologic cancer

this is about its use as a contraceptive (so, much lower doses needed), but it is the same thing sometimes given in the US as part of menopausal HRT. You will note that the date on that research is 1996; DMPA is not exactly cutting-edge and was first widely used in the 1950s.

Similarly, CEEs (like Premarin) have been used since the 1930s, while estradiol (bioidentical estrogen) has been in use since the 1970s.

In short: we recommend being wary of those older kinds and mostly won’t be talking about them here.

Bioidentical hormones are safer: True or False?

True! This is an open-and-shut case:

❝Physiological data and clinical outcomes demonstrate that bioidentical hormones are associated with lower risks, including the risk of breast cancer and cardiovascular disease, and are more efficacious than their synthetic and animal-derived counterparts.

Until evidence is found to the contrary, bioidentical hormones remain the preferred method of HRT. ❞

Further research since that review has further backed up its findings.

Source: Are Bioidentical Hormones Safer or More Efficacious than Other Commonly Used Versions in HRT?

So simply, if you’re going on HRT (estrogen and/or progesterone), you might want to check it’s the bioidentical kind.

HRT can increase the risk of breast cancer: True or False?

Contingently True, but for most people, there is no significant increase in risk.

First: again, we’re talking bioidentical hormones, and in this case, estradiol. Older animal-derived attempts had much higher risks with much lesser efficaciousness.

There have been so many studies on this (alas, none that have been publicised enough to undo the bad PR in the wake of old-fashioned HRT from before the 70s), but here’s a systematic review that highlights some very important things:

❝Estradiol-only therapy carries no risk for breast cancer, while the breast cancer risk varies according to the type of progestogen.

Estradiol therapy combined with medroxyprogesterone, norethisterone and levonorgestrel related to an increased risk of breast cancer, estradiol therapy combined with dydrogesterone and progesterone carries no risk❞

In fewer words:

  • Estradiol by itself: no increased risk of breast cancer
  • Estradiol with MDPA or other progestogens that aren’t really progesterone: increased risk of breast cancer
  • Estradiol with actual progesterone: back to no increased risk of breast cancer

Source: Estradiol therapy and breast cancer risk in perimenopausal and postmenopausal women: a systematic review and meta-analysis

So again, you might want to make sure you are getting actual bioidentical hormones, and not something else!

However! If you are aware that you already have an increased risk of breast cancer (e.g. family history, you’ve had it before, you know you have certain genes for it, etc), then you should certainly discuss that with your doctor, because your personal circumstances may be different:

❝Tailored HRT may be used without strong evidence of a deleterious effect after ovarian cancer, endometrial cancer, most other gynecological cancers, bowel cancer, melanoma, a family history of breast cancer, benign breast disease, in carriers of BRACA mutations, after breast cancer if adjuvant therapy is not being used, past thromboembolism, varicose veins, fibroids and past endometriosis.

Relative contraindications are existing cardiovascular and cerebrovascular disease and breast cancer being treated with adjuvant therapies❞

Source: HRT in difficult circumstances: are there any absolute contraindications?

HRT makes you happier, healthier, and smell nice too: True or False?

Contingently True, assuming you do want its effects, which generally means the restoration of much of the youthful vitality you enjoyed pre-menopause.

The “and smell nice too” was partly rhetorical, but also partly literal: our scent is largely informed by our hormones, and higher estrogen results in a sweeter scent; lower estrogen results in a more bitter scent. Not generally considered an important health matter, but it’s a thing, so hey.

More often, people take menopausal HRT for more energy, stronger bones (reduced osteoporosis risk), healthier heart (reduced CVD risk), improved sexual health, better mood, healthier skin and hair, and general avoidance of menopause symptoms:

Read more: Skin, hair and beyond: the impact of menopause

We’d need another whole main feature to discuss all the benefits properly; today we’re just mythbusting.

HRT does have some drawbacks: True or False?

True, and/but how serious they are (beyond the aforementioned consideration in the case of an already-increased risk of breast cancer) is a matter of opinion.

For example, it is common to get a reprise of monthly cramps and/or mood swings, depending on how one is taking the HRT and other factors (e.g. your own personal physiology and genetic predispositions). For most people, these will even out over time.

It’s also even common to get a reprise of (much slighter than before) monthly bleeding, unless you have for example had a hysterectomy (no uterus = no bleeding). Again, this will usually settle down in a matter of months.

If you experience anything more alarming than that, then indeed check with your doctor.

HRT is a dangerous scam and sham: True or False?

False, simply. As described above, for most people they’re quite safe. Again, talking bioidentical hormones.

The other kind are in the most neutral sense a sham (i.e. they are literally sham hormones), though they’re not without their merits and for many people they may be better than nothing.

As for being a scam, biodentical hormones are widely prescribed in the many countries that have universal healthcare and/or a single-payer healthcare system, where there would be no profit motive (and considerable cost) in doing so.

They’re prescribed because they are effective and thus reduce healthcare spending in other areas (such as treating osteoporosis or CVD after the fact) and improve Health Related Quality of Life, and by extension, health-adjusted life-years, which is one of the top-used metrics for such systems.

See for example:

Menopausal Hormone Replacement Therapy and Reduction of All-Cause Mortality and Cardiovascular Disease

Our apologies, gentlemen

We wanted to also talk about testosterone therapy for the andropause, but we’ve run out of room today (because of covering the important distinction of bioidentical vs old-fashioned HRT)!

To make it up to you, we’ll do a full main feature on it (it’s an interesting topic) in the near future, so watch this space

Ladies, we’ll also at some point cover the pros and cons of different means of administration, e.g. pills, transdermal gel, injections, patches, pessaries, etc—which often have big differences.

That’ll be in a while though, because we try to vary our topics, so we can’t talk about menopausal HRT all the time, fascinating and important a topic it is.

Meanwhile… take care, all!

Don’t Forget…

Did you arrive here from our newsletter? Don’t forget to return to the email to continue learning!

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  • Women Rowing North – by Dr. Mary Pipher

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    Ageism is rife, as is misogyny. And those can be internalized too, and compounded as they intersect.

    Clinical psychologist Dr. Mary Pipher, herself 75, writes for us a guidebook of, as the subtitle goes, “navigating life’s currents and flourishing as we age”.

    The book does assume, by the way, that the reader is…

    • a woman, and
    • getting old (if not already old)

    However, the lessons the book imparts are vital for women of any age, and valuable as a matter of insight and perspective for any reader.

    Dr. Pipher takes us on a tour of aging as a woman, and what parts of it we can make our own, do things our way, and take what joy we can from it.

    Nor is the book given to “toxic positivity” though—it also deals with themes of hardship, frustration, and loss.

    When it comes to those elements, the book is… honest, human, and raw. But also, an exhortation to hope, beauty, and a carpe diem attitude.

    Bottom line: this book is highly recommendable to anyone of any age; life is precious and can be short. And be we blessed with many long years, this book serves as a guide to making each one of them count.

    Click here to check out Women Rowing North—it really is worth it

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  • Protein: How Much Do We Need, Really?

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    Mythbusting Protein!

    Yesterday, we asked you for your policy on protein consumption. The distribution of responses was as follows:

    • A marginal majority (about 55%) voted for “Protein is very important, but we can eat too much of it”
    • A large minority (about 35%) voted for “We need lots of protein; the more, the better!”
    • A handful (about 4%) voted for “We should go as light on protein as possible”
    • A handful (6%) voted for “If we don’t eat protein, our body will create it from other foods”

    So, what does the science say?

    If we don’t eat protein, our body will create it from other foods: True or False?

    Contingently True on an absurd technicality, but for all practical purposes False.

    Our body requires 20 amino acids (the building blocks of protein), 9 of which it can’t synthesize and absolutely must get from food. Normally, we get those amino acids from protein in our diet, and we can also supplement them by buying amino acid supplements.

    Specifically, we require (per kg of bodyweight) a daily average of:

    1. Histidine: 10 mg
    2. Isoleucine: 20 mg
    3. Leucine: 39 mg
    4. Lysine: 30 mg
    5. Methionine: 10.4 mg
    6. Phenylalanine*: 25 mg
    7. Threonine: 15 mg
    8. Tryptophan: 4 mg
    9. Valine: 26 mg

    *combined with the non-essential amino acid tyrosine

    Source: Protein and Amino Acid Requirements In Human Nutrition: WHO Technical Report

    However, to get the requisite amino acid amounts, without consuming actual protein, would require gargantuan amounts of supplementation (bearing in mind bioavailability will never be 100%, so you’ll always need to take more than it seems), using supplements that will have been made by breaking down proteins anyway.

    So unless you live in a laboratory and have access to endless amounts of all of the required amino acids (you can’t miss even one; you will die), and are willing to do that for the sake of proving a point, then you do really need to eat protein.

    Your body cannot, for example, simply break down sugar and use it to make the protein you need.

    On another technical note… Do bear in mind that many foods that we don’t necessarily think of as being sources of protein, are sources of protein.

    Grains and grain products, for example, all contain protein; we just don’t think of them as that because their macronutritional profile is heavily weighted towards carbohydrates.

    For that matter, even celery contains protein. How much, you may ask? Almost none! But if something has DNA, it has protein. Which means all plants and animals (at least in their unrefined forms).

    So again, to even try to live without protein would very much require living in a laboratory.

    We can eat too much protein: True or False?

    True. First on an easy technicality; anything in excess is toxic. Even water, or oxygen. But also, in practical terms, there is such a thing as too much protein. The bar is quite high, though:

    ❝Based on short-term nitrogen balance studies, the Recommended Dietary Allowance of protein for a healthy adult with minimal physical activity is currently 0.8 g protein per kg bodyweight per day❞

    ❝To meet the functional needs such as promoting skeletal-muscle protein accretion and physical strength, dietary intake of 1.0, 1.3, and 1.6 g protein per kg bodyweight per day is recommended for individuals with minimal, moderate, and intense physical activity, respectively❞

    ❝Long-term consumption of protein at 2 g per kg bodyweight per day is safe for healthy adults, and the tolerable upper limit is 3.5 g per kg bodyweight per day for well-adapted subjects❞

    ❝Chronic high protein intake (>2 g per kg bodyweight per day for adults) may result in digestive, renal, and vascular abnormalities and should be avoided❞

    Source: Dietary protein intake and human health

    To put this into perspective, if you weigh about 160lbs (about 72kg), this would mean eating more than 144g protein per day, which grabbing a calculator means about 560g of lean beef, or 20oz, or 1¼lb.

    If you’re eating quarter-pounder burgers though, that’s not usually so lean, so you’d need to eat more than nine quarter-pounder burgers per day to get too much protein.

    High protein intake damages the kidneys: True or False?

    True if you have kidney damage already; False if you are healthy. See for example:

    High protein intake increases cancer risk: True or False?

    True or False depending on the source of the protein, so functionally false:

    • Eating protein from red meat sources has been associated with higher risk for many cancers
    • Eating protein from other sources has been associated with lower risk for many cancers

    Source: Red Meat Consumption and Mortality Results From 2 Prospective Cohort Studies

    High protein intake increase risk of heart disease: True or False?

    True or False depending on the source of the protein, so, functionally false:

    • Eating protein from red meat sources has been associated with higher risk of heart disease
    • Eating protein from other sources has been associated with lower risk of heart disease

    Source: Major Dietary Protein Sources and Risk of Coronary Heart Disease in Women

    In summary…

    Getting a good amount of good quality protein is important to health.

    One can get too much, but one would have to go to extremes to do so.

    The source of protein matters:

    • Red meat is associated with many health risks, but that’s not necessarily the protein’s fault.
    • Getting plenty of protein from (ideally: unprocessed) sources such as poultry, fish, and/or plants, is critical to good health.
    • Consuming “whole proteins” (that contain all 9 amino acids that we can’t synthesize) are best.

    Learn more: Complete proteins vs. incomplete proteins (explanation and examples)

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  • Lucid Dreaming: How To Do It, & Why

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    Lucid Dreaming: Methods & Uses

    We’ve written about dreaming more generally before:

    How Useful Are Our Dreams?

    Today we’re going to be talking more about a subject we’ve only touched on previously: lucid dreaming

    What it is: lucid dreaming is the practice of being mentally awake while dreaming, with awareness that it is a dream, and control over the dream.

    Why is it useful? Beyond simply being fun, it can banish nightmares, it can improve one’s relationship with sleep (always something to look forward to, and sleep doesn’t feel like a waste of time at all!), and it can allow for exploring a lot of things that can’t easily be explored otherwise—which can be quite therapeutic.

    How to do it

    There are various ways to induce lucid dreaming, but the most common and “entry-level” method is called Mnemonic-Induced Lucid Dreaming (MILD).

    MILD involves having some means of remembering what one has forgotten, i.e., that one is dreaming. To break it down further, first we’ll need to learn how to perform a reality check. Again, there are many of these, but one of the simplest is to ask yourself:

    How did I get here?

    • If you can retrace your steps with relative ease and the story of how you got here does not sound too much like a dream sequence, you are probably not dreaming.
    • If you are dreaming, however, chances are that nothing actually led to where you are now; you just appeared here.

    Other reality checks include checking whether books, clocks, and/or lightswitches work as they should—all are notorious for often being broken in dreams; books have gibberish or missing or repeated text; clocks do not tell the correct time and often do not even tell a time that could be real (e.g: 07:72), and lightswitches may turn a light on/off without actually changing the level of illumination in the room.

    Now, a reality check is only useful if you actually perform it, so this is where MILD comes in.

    You need to make a habit of doing a reality check frequently. Whenever you remember, it’s a good time to do a reality check, but you should also try tying it to something. Many people use a red light, because then they can also use a timed red light during the night to subconsciously cue them that they are dreaming. But it could be as simple as “whenever I go to the bathroom, I do a reality check”.

    With this in mind, a fun method that has extra benefits is to try to use a magical power, such as psychokinesis. If (while fully awake) whenever you go to pick up some object you imagine it just wooshing magically to meet your hand halfway, then at some point you’ll instinctively do that while dreaming, and it’ll stand a good chance of working—and thus cluing you in that you are dreaming.

    How to stay lucid

    When you awaken within a dream (i.e. become lucid), there’s a good chance of one of two things happening quickly:

    • you forget again
    • you wake up

    So when you realize you are dreaming, do two things at once:

    • verbally repeat to yourself “I am dreaming now”. This will help stretch your awareness from one second to the next.
    • look at your hands, and touch things, especially the floor and/or walls. This will help to ground you within the dream.

    Things to do while lucid

    Flying is a good fun entry-level activity; it’s very common to initially find it difficult though, and only be able to lift up very slightly before gently falling down, or things like that. A good tip is: instead of trying to move yourself, you stay still and move the dream around you, as though you are rotating a 3D model (because guess what: you are).

    Confronting your nightmares and/or general fears is a good thing for many. Think, while you’re still awake during the day, about what you would do about the source/trigger of your fear if you had magical powers. Whatever you choose, keep it consistent for now, because this is about habit-forming.

    Example: let’s say there’s a person from your past who appears in your nightmares. Let’s say your chosen magic would be “I would cause the ground to open up, swallow them, and close again behind them”. Vividly imagine that whenever they come to mind while you are awake, and when you encounter them next in a nightmare, you’ll remember to do exactly that, and it’ll work.

    Learning about your own subconscious is a more advanced activity, but once you’re used to lucid dreaming, you can remember that everything in there is an internal projection of your own mind, so you can literally talk to parts of your subconscious, including past versions of yourself, or singular parts of your greater-whole personality, as per IFS:

    Take Care Of Your “Unwanted” Parts Too!

    Want to know more?

    You might like to read:

    Lucid Dreaming: A Concise Guide to Awakening in Your Dreams and in Your Life – by Dr. Stephen LaBerge

    Enjoy!

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  • Spiked Acupressure Mat: Trial & Report

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    Are you ready for the least comfortable bed? The reviews are in, and…

    Let’s get straight to the point

    “Laura Try” tries out health things and reports on her findings. And in this case…

    • She noted up front that the claims for this are to improve relaxation, alleviate muscle pain, and improve sleep.
    • It also is said to help with myofascial release specifically, which can improve flexibility and mobility (as well as contributing to the alleviation of muscle pain previously mentioned)
    • She did not enjoy it at first! Shocking nobody, it was uncomfortable and even somewhat painful. However, after a while, it became less painful and more comfortable—except for trying standing on it, which still hurt (this writer has one too, and I often stand on it at my desk, whenever I feel my feet need a little excitement—it’s probably good for the circulation, but that is just a hypothesis)
    • Soon, it became relaxing. Writer’s note: that raised hemicylindrical pillow she’s using? Try putting it under your neck instead, to stimulate the vagus nerve.
    • While it is best use on bare skin, the effect can be softened by wearing a thin later of clothing between you and the mat.
    • She got hers for £71 GBP (this writer got hers for a fraction of that price from Aldi—and here’s an example product on Amazon, at a more mid-range price)

    For more details on all of the above and a blow-by-blow account, enjoy:

    Click Here If The Embedded Video Doesn’t Load Automatically!

    Want to learn more?

    You might also like to read:

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    Take care!

    Don’t Forget…

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    Learn to Age Gracefully

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  • Pomegranate vs Cherries – Which is Healthier?

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    Our Verdict

    When comparing pomegranate to cherries, we picked the pomegranate.

    Why?

    In terms of macros, pomegranate is slightly higher in carbs, and/but 4x higher in fiber. That’s already a good start for pomegranates. Lest we be accused of cherry-picking, though, we’ll mention that pomegranate is also slightly higher in protein and fat, for what it’s worth—which is not a lot. As with most fruits, the protein and fat numbers are low importance next to the carb:fiber ratio.

    When it comes to vitamins, pomegranate has more of vitamins B1, B2, B5, B6, B9. E. K, and choline. On the other hand, cherries have more of vitamins A and B3. The two fruits are equal in vitamin C. This all makes for a clear win for pomegranate.

    In the category of minerals, pomegranate boasts more copper, magnesium, phosphorus, potassium, selenium, and zinc. In contrast, cherries have slightly more calcium. Another win for pomegranate.

    Both of these fruits have beneficial polyphenols, each with a slightly different profile, but neither pressingly better than the other.

    In short: as ever with healthy foods, enjoy both—diversity is good! But if you’re going to pick on, we recommend the pomegranate.

    Want to learn more?

    You might like to read:

    Take care!

    Don’t Forget…

    Did you arrive here from our newsletter? Don’t forget to return to the email to continue learning!

    Learn to Age Gracefully

    Join the 98k+ American women taking control of their health & aging with our 100% free (and fun!) daily emails:

  • Why Everyone You Don’t Like Is A Narcissist

    10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.

    We’ve written before about how psychiatry tends to name disorders after how they affect other people, rather than how they affect the bearer, and this is most exemplified when it comes to personality disorders. For example:

    “You have a deep insecurity about never being good enough, and you constantly mess up in your attempt to overcompensate? You may have Evil Bastard Disorder!”

    “You have a crippling fear of abandonment and that you are fundamentally unloveable, so you do all you can to try to keep people close? You must have Manipulative Bitch Disorder!”

    See also: Miss Diagnosis: Anxiety, ADHD, & Women

    Antisocial Diagnoses

    These days, it is easy to find on YouTube countless videos of how to spot a narcissist, with a list of key traits that all mysteriously describe exactly the exes of everyone in the comments.

    And these days it is mostly “narcissist”, because “psychopath” and “sociopath” have fallen out of popular favor a bit:

    • perhaps for coming across as overly sensationalized, and thus lacking credibility
    • perhaps because “Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)” exists in the DSM-5 (the US’s latest “Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders”), while psychopathy and sociopathy are not mentioned as existing.

    You may be wondering: what do “psychopathy” and “sociopathy” mean?

    And the answer is: they mean whatever the speaker wants them to mean. Their definitions and differences/similarities have been vigorously debated by clinicians and lay enthusiasts alike for long enough that the scientific world has pretty much given up on them and moved on.

    Stigma vs pathology

    Because of the popular media (and social media) representation of NPD, it is easy to armchair diagnose one’s relative/ex/neighbor/in-law/boss/etc as being a narcissist, because the focus is on “narcissists do these bad things that are mean to people”.

    If the focus were instead on “narcissists have cripplingly low self-esteem, and are desperate to not show weakness in a world they have learned is harsh and predatory”, then there may not be so many armchair diagnoses—or at the very least, the labels may be attached with a little more compassion, the same way we might with other mental health issues such as depression.

    Not that those with depression get an easy time of it socially either—society’s response is generally some manner of “aren’t you better yet, stop being lazy”—but at the very least, depressed people are not typically viewed with hatred.

    A quick aside: if you or someone you know is struggling with depression, here are some things that actually help:

    The Mental Health First-Aid You’ll Hopefully Never Need

    The disorder is not the problem

    Maybe your relative, ex, neighbor, etc really is clinically diagnosable as a narcissist. There are still two important things to bear in mind:

    • After centuries of diagnosing people with mental health maladies that we now know don’t exist per se (madness, hysteria, etc), and in recent decades countless revisions to the DSM and similar tomes, thank goodness we now have the final and perfect set of definitions that surely won’t be re-written in the next few years or so ← this is irony; it will absolutely be re-written numerous times yet because of course it’s still not a magically perfect descriptor of the broad spectrum of human nature
    • The disorder is not the problem; the way they treat (or have treated) you is the problem.

    For example, let’s take a key thing generally attributed to narcissists: a lack of empathy

    Now, empathy can be divided into:

    • affective empathy: the ability to feel what other people are feeling
    • cognitive empathy: the ability to intellectually understand what other people are feeling (akin to sympathy, which is the same but with the requisite of having experienced the thing in question oneself)

    A narcissist (as well as various other people without NPD) will typically have negligible affective empathy, and their cognitive empathy may be a little sluggish too.

    Sluggish = it may take them a beat longer than most people, to realize what an external signifier of emotions means, or correctly guess how something will be felt by others. This can result in gravely misspeaking (or inappropriately emoting), after failing to adequately quickly “read the room” in terms of what would be a socially appropriate response. To save face, they may then either deny/minimize the thing they just said/did, or double-down on it and go on [what for them feels like] the counterattack.

    As to why this shutting off of empathy happens: they have learned that the world is painful, and that people are sources of pain, and so—to avoid further pain—have closed themselves off to that, often at a very early age. This will also apply to themselves; narcissists typically have negligible self-empathy too, which is why they will commonly make self-destructive decisions, even while trying to put themselves first.

    Important note on how this impacts other people: the “Golden Rule” of “treat others as you would wish to be treated” becomes intangible, as they have no more knowledge of their own emotional needs than they do of anyone else’s, so cannot make that comparison.

    Consider: if instead of being blind to empathy, they were colorblind… You would probably not berate them for buying green apples when you asked for red. They were simply incapable of seeing that, and consequently made a mistake. So it is when it’s a part of the brain that’s not working normally.

    So… Since the behavior does adversely affect other people, what can be done about it? Even if “hate them for it and call for their eradication from the face of the Earth” is not a reasonable (or compassionate) option, what is?

    Take the bull by the horns

    Above all, and despite all appearances, a narcissist’s deepest desire is simply to be accepted as good enough. If you throw them a life-ring in that regard, they will generally take it.

    So, communicate (gently, because a perceived attack will trigger defensiveness instead, and possibly a counterattack, neither of which are useful to anyone) what behavior is causing a problem and why, and ask them to do an alternative thing instead.

    And, this is important, the alternative thing has to be something they are capable of doing. Not merely something that you feel they should be capable of doing, but that they are actually capable of doing.

    • So not: “be a bit more sensitive!” because that is like asking the colorblind person to “be a bit more observant about colors”; they are simply not capable of it and it is folly to expect it of them, because no matter how hard they try, they can’t.
    • But rather: “it upsets me when you joke about xyz; I know that probably doesn’t make sense to you and that’s ok, it doesn’t have to. I am asking, however, if you will please simply refrain from joking about xyz. Would you do that for me?”

    Presented with such, it’s much more likely that the narcissist will drop their previous attempt to be good enough (by joking, because everyone loves someone with a sense of humor, right?) for a new, different attempt to be good enough (by showing “behold, look, I am a good person and doing the thing you asked, of which I am capable”).

    That’s just one example, but the same methodology can be applied to most things.

    For tricks pertaining to how to communicate such things without causing undue resistance, see:

    Seriously Useful Communication Skills

    Take care!

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