How to be kind to yourself (without going to a day spa)

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“I have to be hard on myself,” Sarah told me in a recent telehealth psychology session. “I would never reach my potential if I was kind and let myself off the hook.”

I could empathise with this fear of self-compassion from clients such as Sarah (not her real name). From a young age, we are taught to be kind to others, but self-kindness is never mentioned.

Instead, we are taught success hinges on self-sacrifice. And we need a healthy inner critic to bully us forward into becoming increasingly better versions of ourselves.

But research shows there doesn’t have to be a trade-off between self-compassion and success.

Self-compassion can help you reach your potential, while supporting you to face the inevitable stumbles and setbacks along the way.

What is self-compassion?

Self-compassion has three key ingredients.

1. Self-kindness

This involves treating yourself with the same kindness you would extend towards a good friend – via your thoughts, feelings and actions – especially during life’s difficult moments.

For instance, if you find yourself fixating on a minor mistake you made at work, self-kindness might involve taking a ten-minute walk to shift focus, and reminding yourself it is OK to make mistakes sometimes, before moving on with your day.

2. Mindfulness

In this context, mindfulness involves being aware of your own experience of stress or suffering, rather than repressing or avoiding your feelings, or over-identifying with them.

Basically, you must see your stress with a clear (mindful) perspective before you can respond with kindness. If we avoid or are consumed by our suffering, we lose perspective.

3. Common humanity

Common humanity involves recognising our own experience of suffering as something that unites us as being human.

For instance, a sleep-deprived parent waking up (for the fourth time) to feed their newborn might choose to think about all the other parents around the world doing exactly the same thing – as opposed to feeling isolated and alone.

It’s not about day spas, or booking a manicure

When Sarah voiced her fear that self-compassion would prevent her success, I explained self-compassion is distinct from self-indulgence.

“So is self-compassion just about booking in more mani/pedis?” Sarah asked.

Not really, I explained. A one-off trip to a day spa is unlikely to transform your mental health.

Instead, self-compassion is a flexible psychological resilience factor that shapes our thoughts, feelings and actions.

It’s associated with a suite of benefits to our wellbeing, relationships and health.

Massage therapist massaging woman's back
A one-off trip to a day spa is unlikely to transform your mental health.
baranq/Shutterstock

What does the science say?

Over the past 20 years, we’ve learned self-compassionate people enjoy a wide range of benefits. They tend to be happier and have fewer psychological symptoms of distress.

Those high on self-compassion persevere following a failure. They say they are more motivated to overcome a personal weakness than those low on self-compassion, who are more likely to give up.

So rather than feeling trapped by your inadequacies, self-compassion encourages a growth mindset, helping you reach your potential.

However, self-compassion is not a panacea. It will not change your life circumstances or somehow make life “easy”. It is based on the premise that life is hard, and provides practical tools to cope.

It’s a factor in healthy ageing

I research menopause and healthy ageing and am especially interested in the value of self-compassion through menopause and in the second half of life.

Because self-compassion becomes important during life’s challenges, it can help people navigate physical symptoms (for instance, menopausal hot flushes), life transitions such as divorce, and promote healthy ageing.

I’ve also teamed up with researchers at Autism Spectrum Australia to explore self-compassion in autistic adults.

We found autistic adults report significantly lower levels of self-compassion than neurotypical adults. So we developed an online self-compassion training program for this at-risk population.

Three tips for self-compassion

You can learn self-compassion with these three exercises.

1. What would you say to a friend?

Think back to the last time you made a mistake. What did you say to yourself?

If you notice you’re treating yourself more like an enemy than a friend, don’t beat yourself up about it. Instead, try to think about what you might tell a friend, and direct that same friendly language towards yourself.

2. Harness the power of touch

Soothing human touch activates the parasympathetic “relaxation” branch of our nervous system and counteracts the fight or flight response.

Specifically, self-soothing touch (for instance, by placing both hands on your heart, stroking your forearm or giving yourself a hug) reduces cortisol responses to psychosocial stress.

Middle-aged man hugging himself
Yes, hugging yourself can help.
http://krakenimages.com/Shutterstock

3. What do I need right now?

Sometimes, it can be hard to figure out exactly what self-compassion looks like in a given moment. The question “what do I need right now” helps clarify your true needs.

For example, when I was 37 weeks pregnant, I woke up bolt awake one morning at 3am.

Rather than beating myself up about it, or fretting about not getting enough sleep, I gently placed my hands on my heart and took a few deep breaths. By asking myself “what do I need right now?” it became clear that listening to a gentle podcast/meditation fitted the bill (even though I wanted to addictively scroll my phone).The Conversation

Lydia Brown, Senior Lecturer in Psychology, The University of Melbourne

This article is republished from The Conversation under a Creative Commons license. Read the original article.

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  • Why Some People Get Sick More (And How To Not Be One Of Them)
    From COVID to hybrid viruses, learn why some are more susceptible and how stress, lifestyle, and wearables play a pivotal role in immune health.

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  • The Ultimate Booster

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    Winning The Biological Arms Race

    The human immune system (and indeed, other immune systems, but we are all humans here, after all) is in a constant state of war with pathogens, and that war is a constant biological arms race:

    • We improve our defenses and destroy the attackers; the 1% of pathogens that survived now “know” how to counter that trick.
    • The pathogens wreak havoc in our systems; the n% of us that survive now have immune systems that “know” how to counter that trick.

    Vaccines are a mighty tool in our favor here, because they’re the technology that stops our n% from also being a very low number.

    With vaccines, we can effectively pass on established defenses onto the population at large, as this cute video explains very well and very simply in 57 seconds:

    Click Here If The Embedded Video Doesn’t Load Automatically!

    The problem with vaccines

    The problem is that this accelerates the arms race. It’s like a chess game where we are able to respond to every move quickly (which is good for us), and/but this means passing the move over to our opponent sooner.

    That problem’s hard to avoid, because the alternative has always been “let people die in much larger numbers”.

    Traditional vs mRNA vaccines

    A quick refresher before we continue to the big news of the day:

    • Traditional vaccines use a disabled version of a pathogen to trigger an immune response that will teach the body to recognize the pathogen ready for when the full version shows up
    • mRNA vaccines use a custom-made bit of genetic information to tell the body to make its own harmless fake pathogen and then respond to the harmless fake pathogen it made.

    Note: this happens independently of the host’s DNA, so no, it does not change your DNA

    See also: The Truth About Vaccines

    Here’s a more detailed explainer (with a helpful diagram) using the COVID mRNA vaccine as an example:

    Genome.gov | How does an mRNA vaccine work?

    However, this still leaves us “chasing strains”, because as the pathogen (in this case, a virus) adapts, the vaccine has to be updated too, hence all the boosters.

    This is a lot like a security update for your computer’s antivirus software. They’re annoying, but they do an important job.

    No more “chasing strains”

    The press conference soundbite on this sums it up well:

    ❝Scientists at UC Riverside have demonstrated a new, RNA-based vaccine strategy that is effective against any strain of a virus and can be used safely even by babies or the immunocompromised.❞

    ~ Jules Bernstein

    Read in full: Vaccine breakthrough means no more chasing strains

    You may be wondering: what makes this one effective against any strain?

    ❝What I want to emphasize about this vaccine strategy is that it is broad.

    It is broadly applicable to any number of viruses, broadly effective against any variant of a virus, and safe for a broad spectrum of people. This could be the universal vaccine that we have been looking for.

    Viruses may mutate in regions not targeted by traditional vaccines. However, we are targeting their whole genome with thousands of small RNAs. They cannot escape this.❞

    ~ Dr. Rong Hai

    Importantly, this means it can be applied not just to one disease, let alone just one strain of COVID. Rather, it can be used for a wide variety of viruses that have similar viral functions—COVID / SARS in general, including influenza, and even viruses such as dengue.

    How it does this: the above article explains in more detail, but in few words: it targets tiny strings of the genome that are present in all strains of the virus.

    Illustrative example: if you wanted to block 10almonds (please don’t), you could block our email address.

    But if we were malicious (we’re not) we could be sneaky and change it, so you’d have to block the new one, and the cycle repeats.

    But if you were block all emails containing the tiny string of characters “10almonds”, changing our email address would no longer penetrate your defenses.

    Now imagine also blocking strings such as “One-Minute Book Review” and “Today’s almonds have been activated by” and other strings we use in every email.

    Now multiply this by thousands of strings (because genomes are much larger than our little newsletter), and you see its effectiveness!

    Great! How can I get this?

    It’s still in the testing stages for now; this is “breaking news” science, after all.

    The study itself

    …is paywalled for now, sadly, but if you happen to have institutional access, here it is:

    Live-attenuated virus vaccine defective in RNAi suppression induces rapid protection in neonatal and adult mice lacking mature B and T cells

    Take care!

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  • How To Reduce Your Alzheimer’s Risk

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    Reduce Your Alzheimer’s Risk

    Alzheimer’s is just one cause of dementia, but it’s a very notable one, not least of all because it’s

    • a) the most common cause of dementia, and
    • b) a measurably terminal disease.

    For that reason we’re focusing on Alzheimer’s today, although most of the advice will go for avoiding dementia in general.

    First, some things not everyone knows about Alzheimer’s:

    • Alzheimer’s is a terminal disease.
    • People who get a diagnosis at age 60 are typically given 4–8 years to live.
      • Some soldier on for as many as 20, but those are rare outliers.
    • Alzheimer’s begins 20 years or more before other symptoms start to develop.
      • This makes this information very relevant for younger people approaching 40, for example.
    • Alzheimer’s accounts for 60–80% of dementia, and affects around 6% of people over 60.
      • By the age of 65, that figure is 10%. By the age of 70, however, the percentage is still about the same—this is because of the mortality rate preventing the accumulation of Alzheimer’s patients over time.

    Want to know more? Read: 2023 Alzheimer’s Disease Facts And Figures Special Report ← this is a very comprehensive downloadablereference, by the way, including a lot of information about diagnosis, treatmentpathways, and earlyinterventions.

    Speaking of diagnosis…

    Know what the symptoms are… and aren’t!

    Forgetting your car keys can be frustrating. Forgetting them frequently can be worrying.

    But: there’s a difference between forgetting your car keys, and forgetting what car keys are used for. The latter is the kind of memory loss that’s more of a red flag for Alzheimer’s.

    Similarly: forgetting someone’s name can be embarrassing. Forgetting someone’s name, asking them, forgetting asking them, asking them again, forgetting again (lather rinse repeat) is more of a red flag for Alzheimer’s.

    There are other symptoms too, some of them less commonly known:

    ❝Difficulty remembering recent conversations, names or events; apathy; and depression are often early symptoms. Communication problems, confusion, poor judgment and behavioral changes may occur next. Difficulty walking, speaking, and swallowing are common in the late stages of the disease❞

    ~ Alzheimer’s Association

    If you or a loved one are experiencing worrying symptoms: when it comes to diagnosis and intervention, sooner is a lot better than later, so do talk to your doctor.

    As for reducing your risk? First, the obvious stuff:

    The usual 5 things that go for almost everything:

    How much do lifestyle changes alone make a difference?

    They make a big difference. This 2022 population-based cohort study (so: huge sample size) looked at people who had 4–5 of the healthy lifestyle factors being studied, vs people who had 0–1 of them. They found:

    ❝A healthy lifestyle was associated with a longer life expectancy among men and women, and they lived a larger proportion of their remaining years without Alzheimer’s dementia.❞

    The numbers of years involved by the way ranged between 3 and 20 years, in terms of life expectancy and years without or with Alzheimer’s, with the average increase of healthy life years being approximately the same as the average increase in years. This is important, because:

    A lot of people think “well if I’m going to go senile, I might as well [unhealthy choice that shortens lifespan]”, but they misunderstand a critical factor:

    The unhealthy choices will reduce their healthy life years, and simply bring the unhealthy ones (and subsequent death) sooner. If you’re going to spend your last few years in ill-health, it’s better to do so at 90 than 50.

    The other thing you may already know… And a thing about it that not everyone considers:

    Keeping cognitively active is important. This much is broadly known by the general public, and to clinicians, this was the fourth “healthy factor” in the list of five (instead of the sleep that we put there, because we were listing the 5 things that go for most preventable health issues).

    Everyone leaps to mention sudoku at this point, so if that’s your thing, great, enjoy it! (This writer personally enjoys chess, which isn’t everyone’s cup of tea; if it yours though, you can come join her on Chess.com and we’ll keep sharp together)

    But the more parts of your mental faculties you keep active, the better. Remember, brainpower (as with many things in health and life) is a matter of “use it or lose it” and this is on a “per skill” basis!

    What this means: doing sudoku (a number-based puzzle game) or chess (great as it may be) won’t help as much for keeping your language skills intact, for example. Given that language skills are one of the most impactful and key faculties to get lost to Alzheimer’s disease, neglecting such would be quite an oversight!

    Some good ways to keep your language skills tip-top:

    • Read—but read something challenging, if possible. It doesn’t have to be Thomas Scanlon’s What We Owe To Each Other, but it should be more challenging than a tabloid, for example. In fact, on the topic of examples:
      • This newsletter is written to be easy to read, while not shying away from complex ideas or hard science. Our mission is literally to “make [well-sourced, science-based] health and productivity crazy simple”.
      • But the academic papers that we link? Those aren’t written to be easy to read. Go read them, or at least the abstracts (in academia, an abstract is essentially an up-front summary, and is usually the first thing you’ll see when you click a link to a study or such). Challenge yourself!
    • Write—compared to reading/listening, producing language is a (related, but) somewhat separate skill. Just ask any foreign language learner which is more challenging: reading or writing!
      • Journaling is great, but writing for others is better (as then you’ll be forced to think more about it)
    • Learn a foreign language—in this case, what matters it that you’re practicing and learning, so in the scale of easy to hard, or doesn’t matter if it’s Esperanto or Arabic. Duolingo is a great free resource that we recommend for this, and they have a wide range of extensive courses these days.

    Now for the least obvious things…

    Social contact is important.

    Especially in older age, it’s easy to find oneself with fewer remaining friends and family, and getting out and about can be harder for everyone. Whatever our personal inclinations (some people being more introverted or less social than others), we are fundamentally a social species, and hundreds of thousands of years of evolution have built us around the idea that we will live our lives alongside others of our kind. And when we don’t, we don’t do as well.

    See for example: Associations of Social Isolation and Loneliness With Later Dementia

    If you can’t get out and about easily:

    • Online socialising is still socializing.
    • Online community is still community.
    • Online conversations between friends are still conversations between friends.

    If you don’t have much (or anyone) in the category of friends and family, join Facebook groups related to your interests, for example.

    Berries are surprisingly good

    ^This may read like a headline from 200,000 BCE, but it’s relevant here!

    Particularly recommended are:

    • blueberries
    • blackberries
    • raspberries
    • strawberries
    • cranberries

    We know that many of these berries seem to have a shelf-life of something like 30 minutes from time of purchase, but… Frozen and dried are perfectly good nutritionally, and in many cases, even better nutritionally than fresh.

    Read: Effect of berry-based supplements and foods on cognitive function: a systematic review

    Turmeric’s health benefits appear to include protecting against Alzheimer’s

    Again, this is about risk reduction, and turmeric (also called curcumin, which is not the same as cumin) significantly reduces the build-up of amyloid plaques in the brain. Amyloid plaques are part of the progression of Alzheimer’s.

    See for yourself: Protective Effects of Indian Spice Curcumin Against Amyloid Beta in Alzheimer’s Disease

    If you don’t like it as a spice (and even if you do, you probably don’t want to put it in your food every day), you can easily get it as a supplement in capsule form.

    Lower your homocysteine levels

    Lower our what now? Homocysteine is an amino acid used for making certain proteins, and it’s a risk factor for Alzheimer’s.

    Foods high in folate (and possible other B-vitamins) seem to lower homocysteine levels. Top choices include:

    • Leafy greens
    • Cruciferous vegetables
    • Tomatoes

    Get plenty of lutein

    We did a main feature about specifically this a little while ago, so we’ll not repeat our work here, but lutein is found in, well, the same things we just listed above, and lower levels of lutein are associated with Alzheimer’s disease. It’s not a proven causative factor—we don’t know entirely what causes Alzheimer’s, just a lot of factors that have a high enough correlation that it’d be remiss to ignore them.

    Catch up on our previous article: Brain Food? The Eyes Have It

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  • When And Why Do We Pick Up Our Phones?

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    The School of Life’s Alain de Botton makes the argument that—if we pay attention, if we keep track—there’s an understory to why we pick up our phones:

    It’s not about information

    Yes, our phones (or rather, the apps therein) are designed to addict us, to draw us back, to keep us scrolling and never let us go. We indeed seek out information like our ancestors once sought out berries; searching, encouraged by a small discovery, looking for more. The neurochemistry is similar.

    But when we look at the “when” of picking up our phones, de Botton says, it tells a different story:

    We pick them up not to find out what’s going on with the world, but rather specifically to not find out what’s going with ourselves. We pick them up to white out some anxiety we don’t want to examine, a line of thought we don’t want to go down, memories we don’t want to consider, futures we do not want to have to worry about.

    And of course, phones do have a great educational potential, are an immensely powerful tool for accessing knowledge of many kinds—if only we can remain truly conscious while using them, and not take them as the new “opiate of the masses”.

    De Botton bids us, when next we pick up our phone. ask a brave question:

    “If I weren’t allowed to consult my phone right now, what might I need to think about?”

    As for where from there? There’s more in the video:

    Click Here If The Embedded Video Doesn’t Load Automatically!

    Further reading

    Making Social Media Work For Your Mental Health

    Take care!

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  • 52 Ways to Walk – by Annabel Streets

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    Most of us learned to walk at a very young age and probably haven’t thought much about it since, except perhaps in a case where some injury made it difficult.

    Annabel Streets provides a wonderful guide to not just taking up (or perhaps reclaiming) the joy of walking, but also the science of it in more aspects than most of us have considered:

    • The physical mechanics of walking—what’s best?
    • Boots or shoes? Barefoot?
    • Roads, grass, rougher vegetation… Mud?
    • Flora & fauna down to the microbiota that affect us
    • How much walking is needed, to be healthy?
    • Is there such a thing as too much walking?
    • What are the health benefits (or risks) of various kinds of weather?
    • Is it better to walk quickly or to walk far?
    • What about if we’re carrying some injury?
    • What’s going on physiologically when we walk?
    • And so much more…

    Streets writes with a captivating blend of poetic joie-de-vivre coupled with scientific references.

    One moment the book is talking about neuroradiology reports of NO-levels in our blood, the impact of Mycobacterium vaccae, and the studied relationship between daily steps taken and production of oligosaccharide 3′-sialyllactose, and the next it’s all:

    “As if the newfound lightness in our limbs has crept into our minds, loosening our everyday cares and constraints…”

    And all in all, this book helps remind us that sometimes, science and a sense of wonder can and do (and should!) walk hand-in-hand.

    Treat yourself to “52 Ways to Walk” from Amazon today!

    Don’t Forget…

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  • Why STIs Are On The Rise In Older Adults

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    Three Little Words

    Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs) are often thought of as something that predominantly plagues younger people… The truth, however, is different:

    ❝Rising divorce rates, forgoing condoms as there is no risk of pregnancy, the availability of drugs for sexual dysfunction, the large number of older adults living together in retirement communities, and the increased use of dating apps are likely to have contributed to the growing incidence of STIs in the over-50s.

    These data likely underestimate the true extent of the problem as limited access to sexual health services for the over 50s, and trying to avoid the stigma and embarrassment both on the part of older people and healthcare professionals, is leading to this age group not seeking help for STIs.❞

    ~ Dr. Justyna Kowalska

    Read more: Managing The Rise In STIs Among Older Adults

    That said, there is a gender gap when it comes to the increased risk, for example:

    ❝A retrospective study from the USA involving 420,790 couples aged 67 to 99 years, found that widowhood was associated with an increased risk of STIs in older men, but not women❞

    ~ US Dept of Health & Human Services

    Source: CDC: | Sexually Transmitted Disease Surveillance

    Is abstinence the best preventative, then?

    It is inarguably the most effective, but not necessarily the best for everyone.

    This is because for most adults, a healthy sex life is an important part of overall wellbeing.

    See also: Mythbusting The Big O

    Even in this case there is a gender gap in:

    • the level of importance placed on frequency of sexual interactions
    • what act(s) of sexuality are held to be most important:

    ❝Among sexually active men, frequent (≥2 times a month) sexual intercourse (P < .001) and frequent kissing, petting, or fondling (P < .001) were associated with greater enjoyment of life.

    Among sexually active women, frequent kissing, petting, or fondling was also associated with greater enjoyment of life (P < .001), but there was no significant association with frequent intercourse (P = .101).

    Concerns about one’s sex life and problems with sexual function were strongly associated with lower levels of enjoyment of life in men and to a lesser extent in women.❞

    ~ Dr. Lee Smith et al.

    Source: Sexual Activity is Associated with Greater Enjoyment of Life in Older Adults

    If you have the time to go into it much more deeply, this paper from the Journal of Gerontology is much more comprehensive, looking also at related lifestyle factors, religious/political backgrounds, views on monogamy or non-monogamy (of various kinds), hormonal considerations, the impact of dementia or other long-term disabilities that may affect things, widowhood, and many other elements:

    The National Social Life, Health, and Aging Project: An Introduction

    What’s the best preventative, then?

    Regular health screening for yourself and your partner(s) is an important key to preventative health when it comes to STIs.

    You can Google search for a local STI clinic, and worry not, they are invariably discreet and are well-used to everybody coming in. They’re just glad you’re being responsible about things. It’s also not their job to judge your sexual activities, even if it’s something you might have reason to wish to be secretive about, try to be honest there.

    Secondly, most of the usual advice about safe sex still goes, even when there’s no risk of pregnancy. For example, if there’s at least one penis involved, then condoms remain the #1 barrier to all manner of potential infections (we know, almost nobody likes condoms, but sometimes the truth isn’t what we want to hear).

    Lastly, if there’s at least one vagina involved, then please for the love of all that is holey, do not put anything there that could cause a yeast infection.

    What can cause a yeast infection? Pretty much anything with sugar, which includes but is not limited to:

    • Most kinds of food that Cosmo-style “liven things up in the bedroom” advice columns might suggest using (including fruit, honey, chocolate sauce, whipped cream, etc)
    • Hands that are not clean (watch out for bacteria too)
    • A mouth that has recently been eating or drinking anything with sugar in it, and that includes many kinds of alcohol, as well as milk or hot drinks that had milk in

    Yeast infections are not nearly so serious as the STIs the other measures are there to avoid, but they’re not fun either, so some sensible policies in that regard are always good!

    On a related note, see also: How To Avoid UTIs

    Recap on the single most important part of this article:

    At all ages, it remains a good health practice—unless one is absolutely celibate—to regularly get oneself and one’s partner(s) checked for STIs.

    Take care!

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  • How Jumping Rope Changes The Human Body

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    Most popularly enjoyed by professional boxers and six-year-old girls, jumping rope is one of the most metabolism-boosting exercises around:

    Just a hop, skip, and a jump away from good health

    Maybe you haven’t tried it since your age was in single digits, so, if you do…

    What benefits can you expect?

    • Improves cardiovascular fitness, equivalent to 30 minutes of running with just 10 minutes of jumping.
    • Increases bone density and boosts immunity by aiding the lymphatic system.
    • Enhances explosiveness in the lower body, agility, and stamina.
    • Improves shoulder endurance, coordination, and spatial awareness.

    What kind of rope is best for you?

    • Beginner ropes: licorice ropes (nylon/vinyl), beaded ropes for rhythm and durability.
    • Advanced ropes: speed ropes (denser, faster materials) for higher speeds and more difficult skills.
    • Weighted ropes: build upper body muscles (forearms, shoulders, chest, back).

    What length should you get?

    • Recommended rope length varies by height (8 ft for 5’0″–5’4″, 9 ft for 5’5″–5’11”, 10 ft for 6’0″ and above).
    • Beginners should start with longer ropes for clearance.

    What should you learn?

    • Initial jump rope skills: start with manageable daily jump totals, gradually increasing as ankles, calves, and feet adapt.
    • Further skills: learn the two-foot jump and then the boxer’s skip for efficient, longer sessions and advanced skills. Keep arms close and hands at waist level for a smooth swing.

    For more on all of this, enjoy:

    Click Here If The Embedded Video Doesn’t Load Automatically!

    Want to learn more?

    You might also like to read:

    How To Do High Intensity Interval Training (Without Wrecking Your Body)

    Take care!

    Don’t Forget…

    Did you arrive here from our newsletter? Don’t forget to return to the email to continue learning!

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