Might you have an eating disorder?

10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.

An eating disorder, or ED, is a mental health condition that causes an unhealthy relationship with food. Anyone can have an ED, many times without realizing it or getting a proper diagnosis. Research shows that 9 percent of people in the U.S. will have an ED in their lifetime.

Read on to learn about the types of EDs, how they’re diagnosed and treated, what barriers to care some people with EDs face, and how to find providers who can help.

What are the types and symptoms of eating disorders?

  • Anorexia: Restricting food intake, fearing weight gain, and having a distorted self-image.
  • Bulimia: Binging, or eating a large amount of food at once, followed by purging, or getting rid of the food by vomiting, taking laxatives, or over-exercising.
  • Binge eating disorder: Repeatedly eating a large amount of food, followed by feelings of guilt and regret without purging.
  • Avoidant/restrictive food intake disorder: Not getting enough nutrients due to a lack of interest in food or disliking many types of food.

Some people may have symptoms of multiple EDs at the same time or cycle between different types of EDs.

Who is at risk of developing an eating disorder?

“Eating disorders don’t discriminate, they can affect anyone regardless of age,” said U.K. psychotherapist Kerrie Jones, who specializes in ED treatment, in a Women’s Health article.

While anyone can develop an ED at any time, some factors may increase your risk:

  • Having a family member with an ED.
  • Having another mental health condition, like depression, anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder, or post-traumatic stress disorder.
  • Having a history of dieting, weight loss attempts, or body-related bullying.
  • Experiencing a major life change, like moving or starting a new job.

What are some warning signs that you might have an eating disorder?

“A focus on ‘healthy’ eating or nutrition can become a red flag for disordered eating when it becomes obsessive, rigid, or interferes with daily life,” Jones said. “If someone is labelling food as good or bad, with no flexibility or they are avoiding social situations such as going out for dinner with loved ones, or they are spending excessive time thinking about food, meal planning and avoiding ultra-processed food, it’s worth speaking to a professional.”

Other ED warning signs may include:

  • Feeling preoccupied with food, counting calories, avoiding certain foods or food groups, or changes in weight.
  • Eating in secret.
  • Feeling preoccupied with your body size or shape.

If you think you may have an ED, talk to a health care provider. Your provider will likely ask questions about your eating and exercise habits and run tests to see if your ED is causing health problems.

What are the physical consequences of eating disorders?

EDs can cause deadly health problems. In fact, approximately one person in the U.S. dies from an ED every hour. Some short- and long-term consequences from EDs include:

  • Heart problems
  • Digestive problems
  • Low blood pressure
  • Dehydration
  • Brittle bones
  • Organ and tooth damage
  • Stroke
  • Infertility

How are eating disorders treated?

Treatment for EDs depends on the severity of your symptoms and your health risks. It may include a combination of therapy, medications to treat underlying mental health conditions like depression and anxiety, and nutrition counseling.

While some people may only need therapy once a week, others may require intensive outpatient therapy—which includes multiple therapy sessions per week—or inpatient treatment.

What barriers to treatment do people with eating disorders face?

Weight stigma

People of all body sizes can have EDs. Less than 6 percent of people with EDs are considered underweight, and research shows that higher-weight individuals are more likely to experience delays in ED diagnosis and treatment. Health care providers may be less likely to notice ED symptoms in higher-weight patients or may even reinforce a patient’s ED behaviors by commenting on their weight or praising weight loss.

“If you’re leaving the appointment feeling any type of shame or discomfort or guilt about eating or your body, that’s a clue that something went wrong,” registered dietitian Marlena Tanner said in a Fortune article. “You never have to continue with a provider that is damaging.”

If your care team is not taking your ED symptoms seriously due to your body size, you can find health care providers, therapists, and dietitians through the Health at Every Size Professionals Listing.

Racial bias

Media representing EDs typically focuses on white women, and research shows that health care providers may be less likely to diagnose people of color—particularly Black women—with an ED. Additionally, people of color may struggle to find culturally competent care. Across disciplines, 73 percent of ED care providers are white.

“Some therapists and dietitians focus on working with [Black, Indigenous, and people of color] clients and understand how racism, cultural expectations, and body image intersect,” says Paula Edwards-Gayfield, an Oklahoma City-based therapist and clinical advisor for the National Eating Disorders Association, to Public Good News. “Seek out providers who talk about cultural identity, anti-racism, or social justice in their work. There are also groups and nonprofit organizations that may help fill the gaps left by traditional treatment centers.”

If you’re a person of color seeking care at an ED treatment center, Edwards-Gayfield recommends asking the following questions:

  • Does the center have a diverse staff?
  • Do they talk about race, culture, or identity in treatment?
  • Can you meet with someone who understands your background?

Gender bias

A 2019 study found that men and boys make up one-third of people with EDs, yet many go undiagnosed.

“There was such a lack of awareness for a long time, and often men were more likely to be diagnosed with depression or something else versus an eating disorder because there has been this really inaccurate mindset that men don’t get eating disorders,” said Tiffany Brown, psychology professor at Auburn University and co-director of the Auburn Eating Disorders Clinic, in a 2024 American Psychological Association article.

Men and boys may also experience symptoms that don’t match typical ED diagnostic criteria, such as a preoccupation with having a muscular physique. If you’re overwhelmed with thoughts about food or body image, talk to a health care provider, even if you’re not sure if you have an ED.

While LGBTQ+ individuals experience higher rates of EDs compared to their straight, cisgender peers, many struggle to access LGBTQ-informed ED treatment, especially transgender people.

“The reality is that most medical trainings, administrative processes, and social discussions and understandings of bodies, gender, health, reproduction, and privacy are based on the erasure of transgender and intersex people, and bodies, creating a large gap in understanding them medically, and socially, for many providers,” members of the trans-led collective Fighting Eating Disorders in Underrepresented Populations (FEDUP) tell PGN.

Trans people are also more likely to face financial burdens that can prevent them from accessing ED care. FEDUP connects low-income trans people with EDs to dietitians who offer sliding scale appointments. The collective also maintains a list of trans-affirming ED treatment providers and hosts free, virtual, peer-led support groups for LGBTQ+ people with EDs.

Cost

“Eating disorder treatment is often out of pocket, geographically inaccessible, and time intensive,” says Edwards-Gayfield. “Furthermore, insurance often denies coverage for individuals who don’t meet strict weight or symptom thresholds, reinforcing a system that privileges a narrow presentation of disordered eating.”

If you’re uninsured, are struggling to pay for ED treatment, or don’t know how to find care, reach out to Project HEAL’s Treatment Access Program, which connects people with EDs to no-cost and sliding scale treatment, cash assistance, and insurance help. 

NEDA also offers a list of free, virtual support groups.

For more information, talk to your health care provider.

If you or anyone you know is considering suicide or self-harm or is anxious, depressed, or upset or needs to talk, call the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988 or text the Crisis Text Line at 741-741. For international resources, here is a good place to begin.

This article first appeared on Public Good News and is republished here under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License.

Don’t Forget…

Did you arrive here from our newsletter? Don’t forget to return to the email to continue learning!

Learn to Age Gracefully

Join the 98k+ American women taking control of their health & aging with our 100% free (and fun!) daily emails:

  • Managing Major Chronic Diseases – by Alexis Dupree

    10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.

    Our author, Alexis Dupree, is herself in her 70s, and writing with more than three decades of experience of surviving multiple chronic diseases (in her case, Multiple Sclerosis, and then a dozen comorbidities that came with such).

    She is not a doctor or a scientist, but for more than 30 years she’s been actively working to accumulate knowledge not just on her own conditions, but on the whole medical system, and what it means to be a “forever patient” without giving up hope.

    She talks lived-experience “life management” strategies for living with chronic disease, and she talks—again from lived experience—about navigating the complexities of medical care; not on a legalistic “State regulations say…” level, because that kind of thing changes by the minute, but on a human level.

    Perhaps most practically: how to advocate strongly for yourself while still treating medical professionals with the respect and frankly compassion that they deserve while doing their best in turn.

    But also: how to change your attitude to that of a survivor, and yet also redefine your dreams. How to make a new game plan of life—while working to make life easier for yourself. How to deal, psychologically, with the likelihood that not only will you probably not get better, but also, you will probably get worse, while still never, ever, giving up.

    After all, many things are easily treatable today that mere decades ago were death sentences, and science is progressing all the time. We just have to stay alive, and in as good a condition as we reasonably can, to benefit from those advances!

    Bottom line: if you have a chronic disease, or if a loved one does, then this is an immensely valuable book to read.

    Click here to check out Managing Major Chronic Diseases, and make life easier!

    Share This Post

  • Night School – by Dr. Richard Wiseman

    10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.

    Sleep is a largely neglected part of health for most people. Compared to factors like food and exercise, it’s something that experientially we’re mostly not present for! Little wonder then that we also often feel like it’s outside of our control.

    While Dr. Wiseman does cover the usual advices with regard to getting good sleep, this book has a lot more than that.

    Assuming that they go beyond the above, resources about sleep can usually be divided into one of two categories:

    • Hard science: lots about brainwaves, sleep phases, circadian rhythms, melatonin production, etc… But nothing very inspiring!
    • Fantastical whimsy: lots about dreams, spiritualism, and not a scientific source to be found… Nothing very concrete!

    This book does better.

    We get the science and the wonder. When it comes to lucid dreaming, sleep-learning, sleep hypnosis, or a miraculously reduced need for sleep, everything comes with copious scientific sources or not at all. Dr. Wiseman is well-known in his field for brining scientific skepticism to paranormal claims, by the way—so it’s nice to read how he can do this without losing his sense of wonder. Think of him as the Carl Sagan of sleep, perhaps.

    Style-wise, the book is pop-science and easy-reading. Unsurprising, for a professional public educator and science-popularizer.

    Structurally, the main part of the book is divided into lessons. Each of these come with background science and principles first, then a problem that we might want to solve, then exercises to do, to get the thing we want. It’s at once a textbook and an instruction manual.

    Bottom line: this is a very inspiring book with a lot of science. Whether you’re looking to measurably boost your working memory or heal trauma through dreams, this book has everything.

    Click here to check out Night School and learn what your brain can do!

    Share This Post

  • Air Quality & Your Heart

    10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.

    …and other items from this week’s health news:

    Air considered “safe” per existing environmental standards, isn’t

    Researchers (Dr. Kate Hanneman et al.) investigated how long-term exposure to fine particulate matter (PM2.5), commonly from vehicles, industrial sources, and wildfire smoke, is linked to heart damage in the form of myocardial fibrosis (a scarring of the heart tissue).

    Importantly, damage was seen even at pollution levels below global air quality guidelines, indicating that some reassessment of that may be in order, and that air pollution may be an underrecognized risk factor for heart disease, contributing additional risk beyond (even more important, but already well-studied) factors like smoking and hypertension. And when we say “additional risk”, it is an addition, which meant that the strongest effects were still seen in women, smokers, and those with high blood pressure.

    Read in full: Even low levels of air pollution may quietly scar your heart, MRI study finds

    Related: Why Women Especially Should Watch Out For Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease (COPD)

    Know your own heart

    A team of researchers (Dr. Judy Luu et al.) looked at 443 adults aged 35–83 with no diagnosed heart disease. Participants filled in a questionnaire that ultimately ranked their social status on a 10-rung ladder and cardiac MRI scans were used to detect signs of stress in the heart, such as cardiac inflammation, and fibrosis scarring like we talked about above.

    Notably, only women with lower self-assessed status showed a correlation between that low self-assessed status and the adverse cardiac signs. Men with similarly low self-perceived status did not show the same signs, even when matched for income and education levels. The researchers hypothesize that this difference may be because women’s self-assessed social status may reflect real-life inequities better than how things look on paper, due to additional (systemically overlooked and hard-to-measure) challenges often faced by women.

    Read in full: Perceived social status influences women’s cardiovascular risk

    Related: Heart Health vs Systemic Stress

    “Forest bathing”, without the forest

    “Nature scenes are relaxing” may not be breaking news in and of itself, but researchers (Dr. Simone Kühn et al.) investigated the effect of multimodal vs unimodal forest virtual reality on stress levels.

    You may be wondering: what’s multimodal vs unimodal?

    • multimodal = involving multiple senses (which in processing terms, are called modalities)
    • unimodal = involving just one (e.g. just visual, or just auditory, etc)

    How they did it: 136 participants were first subjected to stress-inducing images (move over, Clockwork Orange), then shown a 360° VR video of a Douglas fir forest in one of four ways: sight-only, sound-only, scent-only, or all three combined.

    What they found: it indeed reduces stress, and—as expected—more modalities is better than fewer. So, something to bear in mind, if experiencing VR nature scenes at home for relaxation purposes!

    Read in full: Virtual forest bathing found to alleviate stress

    Related: How Nature Provides Us With A Surprisingly Powerful Painkiller ← not just by relaxation, either; it interrupts the signal transmitting the pain!

    Take care!

    Share This Post

  • Wondering if you’re a light or deep sleeper? The science isn’t that simple

    10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.

    Not everyone can sleep through rumbling traffic or a spouse’s incessant snoring. If you do, you may pride yourself on being a “deep” or “heavy” sleeper.

    If you struggle to fall or stay asleep, you may consider yourself a “light” sleeper.

    But is there such thing as being a light or deep sleeper? And can you change how deeply you sleep?

    Slaapwijsheid.nl/Unsplash

    Sleep is a cycle

    Sleep is not a single, static state. Rather, it’s a cycle that unfolds and repeats across the night, in two main stages.

    Stage 1: Non-REM sleep

    Sleep begins with non-rapid eye movement sleep, also known as non-REM sleep. This is made up of three phases, ranging from a first phase of very light sleep, to the deepest and slowest form of sleep in the third phase.

    Stage 2: REM sleep

    Rapid eye movement or REM sleep comes next, usually between 80 to 100 minutes after you fall asleep. To distinguish between the two stages, scientists measure the size and speed of electrical activity in the brain, commonly known as brain waves. During this second stage, these brain waves become more active. This may be why you may have more dreams during REM sleep.

    After your body completes its first round of non-REM and REM sleep, this process repeats in cycles, each lasting roughly 90 minutes.

    The myth of the ‘deep sleeper’

    When you’re sleeping, you may appear to be unresponsive. But your brain doesn’t fully switch off. Instead, your sleeping brain shifts into a “standby mode”, allowing it to monitor your environment while letting certain information through. This process is known as sensory gating. This is why you may wake up after hearing your own name, a familiar voice or a baby’s cries. All these sounds trigger a stronger response from your brain, compared to other ordinary noises.

    During the second stage of non-REM sleep, your brain maintains this standby mode through two types of brain waves. The first type is known as sleep spindles. These are brief bursts of electrical activity that help reduce how much external information your brain processes at any given time. K-complexes are the second type of brain wave that, like sleep spindles, also help you sleep more soundly.

    Research suggests you get the deepest sleep during the third stage of non-REM sleep. This is when your brain is the least responsive to the outside world. However arousability, which is how likely you are to wake from sleep, changes as you go through the sleep cycle. This means it’s not scientifically possible to be a “deep sleeper” for the whole night.

    What other factors affect sleep?

    Here are four other factors that can impact sleep quality.

    Genetics

    Certain genes may influence how you sleep. An example is a common variant of the adenosine deaminase gene. This gene affects how efficiently the brain clears adenosine. Adenosine is a chemical that, over the course of the day, accumulates in your brain and makes you more sleepy. People who carry this gene variant typically experience longer periods of deep sleep, particularly of the non-REM kind. This means they generally wake less during the night.

    Research also suggests people with more sleep spindles may have better sleep. One 2010 study measured how many sleep spindles each participant produced while sleeping on a quiet night. Researchers found participants with a higher number of sleep spindles were more likely to stay asleep the next night, even when noise was introduced. Emerging evidence from studies of twins shows sleep spindles are highly heritable, suggesting genetics may play a role in how many sleep spindles a person produces.

    Stress

    For some people, stress can significantly impact their sleep. This trait is known as sleep reactivity. For these people, a stressful day can cause them to have racing thoughts and difficulty both falling and staying asleep. They may also experience night-time spikes of the hormone cortisol, which your body releases when you feel stressed. Current research suggests sleep reactivity is one of the strongest predictors of insomnia, a sleep condition where you consistently struggle to fall and stay asleep.

    Light

    Exposure to light may also affect sleep quality. One 2013 study compared the sleep patterns of healthy young adults who slept either with or without a bedside light. It found the former group had less deep sleep and more periods of being awake. These participants also produced fewer sleep spindles over the course of the night. Other research suggests night-time exposure to light may also delay the body’s internal clock, making it harder to fall asleep at bedtime.

    Other medical conditions

    People with certain medical conditions may struggle to sleep. One example is sleep apnoea, a common condition where your airway is partly or completely blocked during sleep. Research suggests people with untreated sleep apnoea wake up more often and experience more light non-REM sleep. But certain treatments can help to stabilise their breathing, improving sleep quality. Pain from other conditions, such as endometriosis and irritable bowel syndrome, can also impact a person’s sleep. People with these conditions often experience painful flare-ups at night, which research shows can limit deep sleep.

    The bottom line

    Many factors shape how much shut-eye you get each night. This means no one is truly a “deep sleeper”. But if you’re in need of a better night’s sleep, creating a dark, quiet and stress-free environment is a good place to start.

    Kelly Sansom, Research Associate, College of Medicine and Public Health, Flinders University; Research Associate, Centre for Healthy Ageing, Murdoch University and Peter Eastwood, Deputy Vice Chancellor, Research and Innovation, Murdoch University

    This article is republished from The Conversation under a Creative Commons license. Read the original article.

    Don’t Forget…

    Did you arrive here from our newsletter? Don’t forget to return to the email to continue learning!

    Learn to Age Gracefully

    Join the 98k+ American women taking control of their health & aging with our 100% free (and fun!) daily emails:

  • Should I exercise if I’m still sore from last time?

    10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.

    If you’re feeling sore from a run or gym session, you might wonder whether it’s better to push through or give your body a rest.

    This achy or stiff feeling in your muscles after exercise is known as “delayed onset muscle soreness” (DOMS). Soreness usually sets in within the first 12–24 hours after your exercise session, and often peaks 24–72 hours after.

    In most instances, DOMS will disappear completely in three to five days. But what should you do in the meantime? Is it OK to exercise if you’re still sore? Here’s what the evidence says.

    Alora Griffiths/Unsplash

    Why do muscles get sore after a workout?

    When you exercise, tiny tears (also called “microtears”) occur in your muscles. Then, as your body floods the area with fluids and nutrients to repair them, it causes inflammation. This is part of the normal recovery process, and helps stimulate increases in muscle strength and size.

    But inflammation also stimulates pain receptors, which makes you feel sore in the days after your workout.

    How sore you feel will depend on the exercise you do. DOMS is more likely when you haven’t exercised for a while, you do a new type of exercise, or it puts a large load on your muscles (for example, weight training or running).

    Basically, it’s your muscles’ response to doing something more demanding or challenging than usual.

    The more often you do the same type of exercise, the less likely you are to feel sore.

    Should you be sore after every workout?

    Muscle soreness is completely normal, especially if you are new to exercise. But it’s not necessarily a good indicator of progress.

    All it really tells us is that our body is adapting to a new form of exercise or a sudden increase in load.

    It doesn’t tell us whether or not that exercise was effective at building muscle and improving fitness – especially if you’ve been exercising consistently and gradually increasing your load or frequency.

    For example, someone who runs regularly is unlikely to feel sore after a single running session, but it will still improve their fitness.

    Similarly, if you lift weights regularly, using heavier weights than usual will at most give you only mild DOMS. Yet each training session will still be helping you improve strength and build muscle.

    So, should I exercise if I am still sore?

    It depends if you’re concerned about injury or performance.

    Exercising while recovering from DOMS won’t hurt you. But some evidence suggests your strength and performance may decline when you’re sore. This means you probably won’t be able to lift as much or run as fast while you have DOMS.

    Some research has also shown that muscle damage can negatively affect balance. This might increase your risk of falling or even getting an injury such as a sprained ankle.

    Another study found soreness can also reduce your skill performance (in this case basketball shooting accuracy). So you might notice an impact if you’re exercising with certain performance goals in mind.

    What about rest days?

    Taking days off for recovery in between exercise sessions doesn’t seem to make much difference for long-term progress building strength or fitness.

    Research has compared training on consecutive days – for example, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday – with non-consecutive days – Monday, Wednesday, Friday.

    And it doesn’t seem to make a difference.

    For example, one study had two groups perform the same full-body weight training routine for seven weeks, either on three consecutive or three non-consecutive days. Both groups saw similar improvements in building muscle strength and size.

    Similarly, another study compared two groups of cyclists doing the same high-intensity interval training program routine on three consecutive or three non-consecutive days. After three weeks both groups showed the same overall improvements in aerobic fitness and time trial performance.

    These were relatively short-term studies. So it’s also possible that over the course of a training year, taking a rest day here and there will help maintain motivation and avoid injury.

    Bottom line

    While you’ll probably feel slower or stiffer, exercising with sore muscles won’t hurt you and is unlikely to hinder your training progress.

    However, you might want to avoid exercises that rely on balance – such as intense jumping and landing movements – as your risk of injury could be slightly greater.

    If you are really sore, there is some evidence massage or even an ice bath might help you recover, although the effect is small.

    And while muscle soreness is normal, it’s still important to listen to your body. Never push through intense discomfort or pain, as this could be the sign of an injury.

    You should talk to a doctor if:

    • your muscles feel extremely sore and it lasts for more than seven days
    • you have visible muscle bruising where the muscle is sore
    • you have sharp pain.

    Hunter Bennett, Lecturer in Exercise Science, University of South Australia

    This article is republished from The Conversation under a Creative Commons license. Read the original article.

    Don’t Forget…

    Did you arrive here from our newsletter? Don’t forget to return to the email to continue learning!

    Learn to Age Gracefully

    Join the 98k+ American women taking control of their health & aging with our 100% free (and fun!) daily emails:

  • How To Leverage Attachment Theory In Your Relationship

    10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.

    How To Leverage Attachment Theory In Your Relationship

    Attachment theory has come to be seen in “kids nowadays”’ TikTok circles as almost a sort of astrology, but that’s not what it was intended for, and there’s really nothing esoteric about it.

    What it can be, is a (fairly simple, but) powerful tool to understand about our relationships with each other.

    To demystify it, let’s start with a little history…

    Attachment theory was conceived by developmental psychologist Mary Ainsworth, and popularized as a theory bypsychiatrist John Bowlby. The two would later become research partners.

    • Dr. Ainsworth’s initial work focused on children having different attachment styles when it came to their caregivers: secure, avoidant, or anxious.
    • Later, she would add a fourth attachment style: disorganized, and then subdivisions, such as anxious-avoidant and dismissive-avoidant.
    • Much later, the theory would be extended to attachments in (and between) adults.

    What does it all mean?

    To understand this, we must first talk about “The Strange Situation”.

    “The Strange Situation” was an experiment conducted by Dr. Ainsworth, in which a child would be observed playing, while caregivers and strangers would periodically arrive and leave, recreating a natural environment of most children’s lives. Each child’s different reactions were recorded, especially noting:

    • The child’s reaction (if any) to their caregiver’s departure
    • The child’s reaction (if any) to the stranger’s presence
    • The child’s reaction (if any) to their caregiver’s return
    • The child’s behavior on play, specifically, how much or little the child explored and played with new toys

    She observed different attachment styles, including:

    1. Secure: a securely attached child would play freely, using the caregiver as a secure base from which to explore. Will engage with the stranger when the caregiver is also present. May become upset when the caregiver leaves, and happy when they return.
    2. Avoidant: an avoidantly attached child will not explore much regardless of who is there; will not care much when the caregiver departs or returns.
    3. Anxious: an anxiously attached child may be clingy before separation, helplessly passive when the caregiver is absent, and difficult to comfort upon the caregiver’s return.
    4. Disorganized: a disorganizedly attached child may flit between the above types

    These attachment styles were generally reflective of the parenting styles of the respective caregivers:

    1. If a caregiver was reliably present (physically and emotionally), the child would learn to expect that and feel secure about it.
    2. If a caregiver was absent a lot (physically and/or emotionally), the child would learn to give up on expecting a caregiver to give care.
    3. If a caregiver was unpredictable a lot in presence (physical and/or emotional), the child would become anxious and/or confused about whether the caregiver would give care.

    What does this mean for us as adults?

    As we learn when we are children, tends to go for us in life. We can change, but we usually don’t. And while we (usually) no longer rely on caregivers per se as adults, we do rely (or not!) on our partners, friends, and so forth. Let’s look at it in terms of partners:

    1. A securely attached adult will trust that their partner loves them and will be there for them if necessary. They may miss their partner when absent, but won’t be anxious about it and will look forward to their return.
    2. An avoidantly attached adult will not assume their partner’s love, and will feel their partner might let them down at any time. To protect themself, they may try to manage their own expectations, and strive always to keep their independence, to make sure that if the worst happens, they’ll still be ok by themself.
    3. An anxiously attached adult will tend towards clinginess, and try to keep their partner’s attention and commitment by any means necessary.

    Which means…

    • When both partners have secure attachment styles, most things go swimmingly, and indeed, securely attached partners most often end up with each other.
    • A very common pairing, however, is one anxious partner dating one avoidant partner. This happens because the avoidant partner looks like a tower of strength, which the anxious partner needs. The anxious partner’s clinginess can also help the avoidant partner feel better about themself (bearing in mind, the avoidant partner almost certainly grew up feeling deeply unwanted).
    • Anxious-anxious pairings happen less because anxiously attached people don’t tend to be attracted to people who are in the same boat.
    • Avoidant-avoidant pairings happen least of all, because avoidantly attached people having nothing to bind them together. Iff they even get together in the first place, then later when trouble hits, one will propose breaking up, and the other will say “ok, bye”.

    This is fascinating, but is there a practical use for this knowledge?

    Yes! Understanding our own attachment styles, and those around us, helps us understand why we/they act a certain way, and realize what relational need is or isn’t being met, and react accordingly.

    That sometimes, an anxiously attached person just needs some reassurance:

    • “I love you”
    • “I miss you”
    • “I look forward to seeing you later”

    That sometimes, an avoidantly attached person needs exactly the right amount of space:

    • Give them too little space, and they will feel their independence slipping, and yearn to break free
    • Give them too much space, and oops, they’re gone now

    Maybe you’re reading that and thinking “won’t that make their anxious partner anxious?” and yes, yes it will. That’s why the avoidant partner needs to skip back up and remember to do the reassurance.

    It helps also when either partner is going to be away (physically or emotionally! This counts the same for if a partner will just be preoccupied for a while), that they parameter that, for example:

    • Not: “Don’t worry, I just need some space for now, that’s all” (à la “I am just going outside and may be some time“)
    • But: “I need to be undisturbed for a bit, but let’s schedule some me-and-you-time for [specific scheduled time]”.

    Want to learn more about addressing attachment issues?

    Psychology Today: Ten Ways to Heal Your Attachment Issues

    You also might enjoy such articles such as:

    Lastly, to end on a light note…

    Don’t Forget…

    Did you arrive here from our newsletter? Don’t forget to return to the email to continue learning!

    Learn to Age Gracefully

    Join the 98k+ American women taking control of their health & aging with our 100% free (and fun!) daily emails: