Boundary-Setting Beyond “No”

10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.

More Than A “No”

A lot of people struggle with boundary-setting, and it’s not always the way you might think.

The person who “can’t say no” to people probably comes to mind, but the problem is more far-reaching than that, and it’s rooted in not being clear over what a boundary actually is.

For example: “Don’t bring him here again!”

Pretty clear, right?

And while it is indeed clear, it’s not a boundary; it’s a command. Which may or may not be obeyed, and at the end of the day, what right have we to command people in general?

Same goes for less dramatic things like “Don’t talk to me about xyz”, which can still be important or trivial, depending on whether the topic of xyz is deeply traumatizing for you, or mildly annoying, or something else entirely.

Why this becomes a problem

It becomes a problem not because of any lack of clarity about your wishes, but rather, because it opens the floor for a debate. The listener may be given to wonder whether your right to not experience xyz is greater or lesser than their right to do/say/etc xyz.

“My right to swing my fist ends where someone else’s nose begins”

…does not help here, firstly because both sides will believe themself (or nobody) to be the injured party; for the fist-swinger, the other person’s nose made a vicious assault on their freedom. Or secondly, maybe there was some higher principle at stake; a reason why violence was justified. And then ten levels of philosophical debate. We see this a lot when it comes to freedom of expression, and vigorous debate over whether this entails freedom from social consequences of one’s words/actions.

How a good boundary-setting works (if this, then that)

Consider two signs:

  • No trespassing!
  • Trespassers will be shot!

Superficially, the second just seems like a more violent rendition of the first. But in fact, the second is more informationally useful: it explains what will happen if the boundary is not respected, and allows the reader to make their own informed decision with regard to what to do with that information.

We can employ this method (and can even do so gently, if we so wish and hopefully we mostly do wish to be gentle) when it comes to social and interpersonal boundary-setting:

  • If you bring him here again, I will refuse you entrance
  • If you bring up that topic again, I will ask you to leave
  • If you do that, I will never speak to you again
  • If you don’t stop drinking, I will divorce you

This “if-this-then-that” model does the very first thing that any good boundary does: make itself clear.

It doesn’t rely on moral arguments; it doesn’t invite debate. For example in that last case, it doesn’t argue that the partner doesn’t have the right to drink—it simply expresses what the speaker will exercise their own right to do, in that eventuality.

(as an aside, the situation that occurs when one is enmeshed with someone who is dependent on a substance is a complex topic, and if you’re interested in that, check out: Codependency Isn’t What Most People Think)

Back on track: boundary-setting is not about what’s right or good—it’s about nothing more nor less than a clear delineation between what we will and won’t accept, and how we’ll enforce that.

We can also, in particularly personal boundary-setting (such as with sexual boundaries’ oft-claimed “gray areas”), fix an improperly-set boundary that forgot to do the above, e.g:

“How about [proposition]?”
“No thank you” ← casually worded answer; contextually reasonable, and yet not a clear boundary per what we discussed above
“Come on, I think you’d like it”
“I said no. No means no. Ask me again and I will [consequences that are appropriate and actionable]”

What’s “appropriate and actionable” may vary a lot from one situation to another, but it’s important that it’s something you can do and are prepared to do and will do if the condition for doing it is met.

Anything less than that is not a boundary—it’s just a request.

Note: this does not require that we have power, by the way. If we have zero power in a situation, well, that definitely sucks, but even then we can still express what is actionable, e.g. “I will never trust you again”.

“Price of entry”

You may have wondered, upon reading “boundary-setting is not about what’s right or good—it’s about nothing more nor less than a clear delineation between what we will and won’t accept, and how we’ll enforce that”, can’t that be used to control and manipulate people, essentially coercing them to do or not do things with the threat of consequences (specifically: bad ones)?

And the answer is: yes, yes it can.

But that’s where the flipside comes into play—the other person gets to set their boundaries, too.

For all of us, if we have any boundaries at all, there is a “price of entry” and all who want to be in our lives, or be close to us, have to decide for themselves whether that price of entry is worth it.

  • If a person says “do not talk about topic xyz to me or I will leave”, that is a price of entry for being close to them.
  • If you are passionate about talking about topic xyz to the point that you are unwilling to shelve it when in their presence, then that is the price of entry for being close to you.
  • If one or more of you is not willing to pay the price of entry, then guess what, you’re just not going to be close.

In cases of forced proximity (e.g. workplaces or families) this is likely to get resolved by the workplace’s own rules (i.e. the price of entry that you agreed to when signing a contract to work there), and if something like that doesn’t exist (such as in families), well, that forced proximity is going to reach a breaking point, and somebody may discover it wasn’t enforceable after all.

See also: Family Estrangement: More Common Than Most People Think

…which also details how to fix it, where possible.

Take care!

Don’t Forget…

Did you arrive here from our newsletter? Don’t forget to return to the email to continue learning!

Recommended

  • When Your Brain’s “Get-Up-And-Go” Has Got Up And Gone…
  • Castor Oil: All-Purpose Life-Changer, Or Snake Oil?
    Castor oil’s miracle fame tested: proven for skin and dry eyes, but no hair growth evidence. FDA-approved laxative, yet ineffective against thrush. Proceed with caution!

Learn to Age Gracefully

Join the 98k+ American women taking control of their health & aging with our 100% free (and fun!) daily emails:

  • Get Better Sleep: Beyond The Basics

    10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.

    First though, for the sake of being methodical, let’s quickly note the basics:

    • Aim for 7–9 hours per night
    • Set a regular bedtime and (equally important!) regular getting-up time
    • Have a 2-hour wind-down period before bed, to decompress from any stresses of the day
    • Minimal device/screen usage before bed
    • Abstain from stimulants for as long before bed as reasonably possible (caffeine elimination halflife is 4–8 hours depending on your genes, call it 6 hours average to eliminate half (not the whole lot), and you’ll see it’s probably best to put a cap on it earlier rather than later).
    • Abstain from alcohol, ideally entirely, but allow at least 1hr/unit before bed. So for example, 1hr for a 1oz single shot of spirits, or 2–3 hours for a glass of wine (depending on size), or 3–4 hours for a martini (depending on recipe). Not that that is not the elimination time, nor even the elimination halflife of alcohol, it’s just a “give your body a chance at least” calculation. If you like to have a drink to relax before bed, then well, only you can decide what you like more: that or actually getting restorative sleep.
    • Consider a warm bath/shower before bed, if that suits your schedule.
    • Wash and change your bedsheets more often than seems necessary. Or if that’s too onerous, at least change the pillowcases more often, which makes quite a difference already.
    • Lower the temperature of your bedroom shortly before bedtime; this will help cue the body to produce melatonin
    • Make your bedroom as dark as reasonably possible. Invest in blackout blinds/curtains, and remove any pesky electronics, or at least cover their little LEDs if it’s something that reasonably needs to remain on.

    Ok, now, onwards…

    Those 7–9 hours? Yes, it goes for you too.

    A lot of people mistake getting 6 hours sleep per night for only needing 6 hours sleep per night. Sure, you may still be alive after regularly getting 6 hours, but (unless you have a rare mutation of the ADRB1 gene) it will be causing harm, and yes, that includes later in life; we don’t stop needing so much sleep, even stop getting it:

    Why You Probably Need More Sleep

    With this in mind, it becomes important to…

    Prioritize your sleep—which means planning for it!

    When does your bedtime routine start? According to sleep scientist Dr. Lisa Matricciani, it starts before breakfast. This is because the things we do earlier in the day can greatly affect the amount (and quality) of sleep we get later. For example, a morning moderate-to-intense exercise session greatly improves sleep at night:

    Planning Ahead For Better Sleep

    As for quality, that is as important as quantity, and it’s not just about “soundness” of sleep:

    The 6 Dimensions Of Sleep (And Why They Matter)

    “What gets measured, gets done” goes for sleep too

    Sleep-deprived people usually underestimate how sleep-deprived they are. This is for the same reason as why drunk people usually underestimate how drunk they are—to put it in words that go for both situations: a cognitively impaired person lacks the cognitive function to realize how cognitively impaired they are.

    Here’s the science on that, by the way:

    How Sleep-Deprived Are You, Really?

    For that reason, we recommend using sleep-tracking software (there are many apps for that) on your phone or, ideally, a wearable device (such as a smartwatch or similar).

    A benefit of doing so is that we don’t think “well, I slept from 10pm to 6am, so that’s 8 hours”, if our device tells us we slept between 10:43pm and 5:56 am with 74% sleep efficiency because we woke up many times.

    As an aside, sleep efficiency should be about 85%, by the way. Why not 100%, you ask? It’s because if your body is truly out like a light for the entire night, something is wrong (either you were very sleep-deprived, or you have been drugged, that kind of thing). See also:

    An unbroken night’s sleep is a myth. Here’s what good sleep looks like.

    So waking up during the night is normal, and nothing to worry about per se. If you do find trouble getting back to sleep, though:

    How to Fall Back Asleep After Waking Up in the Middle of the Night

    Be careful about how you try to supplement sleep

    This goes both for taking substances of various kinds, and napping. Some sleep aids can help, but many are harmful and/or do not really work as such; here’s a rundown of examples of those:

    Safe Effective Sleep Aids For Seniors?

    And when it comes to napping, timing is everything:

    How To Nap Like A Pro (No More “Sleep Hangovers”!)

    Want to know a lot more?

    This is the book on sleep:

    Why We Sleep – by Dr. Matthew Walker

    Enjoy!

    Share This Post

  • Paracetamol pack sizes and availability are changing. Here’s what you need to know

    10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.

    Changes are coming into effect from February 1 about how paracetamol is sold in Australia.

    This mainly affects pack sizes of paracetamol sold outside pharmacies and how paracetamol is accessed in pharmacies.

    The changes, announced by Australia’s drug regulator, are in line with moves internationally to reduce the harms of liver toxicity and the risk of overdose.

    However, there are no new safety concerns when paracetamol is used as directed. And children’s products are not affected.

    Bowonpat Sakaew/Shutterstock

    What is paracetamol?

    Paracetamol is commonly sold under brand names such as Panadol, Dymadon and Panamax. It’s used to treat mild pain and fever for short periods or can be prescribed for chronic (long-term) pain.

    Millions of packs of this cheap and accessible medicine are sold in Australia every year.

    Small packs (up to 20 tablets) have been available from supermarkets and other retailers such as petrol stations. Larger packs (up to 100 tablets) are only available from pharmacies.

    Paracetamol is relatively safe when used as directed. However, at higher-than-recommended doses, it can cause liver toxicity. In severe cases and when left untreated, this can be lethal.

    Why are the rules changing?

    In 2022, we wrote about how the Therapeutic Goods Administration (TGA) was considering changes to paracetamol access because of an increase in people going to hospital with paracetamol poisoning.

    An expert review it commissioned found there were about 40–50 deaths every year from paracetamol poisoning between 2007 and 2020. Between 2009–10 and 2016–17, hospital admissions for this increased (from 8,617 to 11,697), before reducing in 2019–20 (8,723). Most admissions were due to intentional self-poisonings, and about half of these were among people aged ten to 24.

    After the report, the TGA consulted with the public to work out how to prevent paracetamol poisonings.

    Options included reducing pack sizes, limiting how many packs could be bought at once, moving larger packs behind the pharmacy counter and restricting access by age.

    Responses were mixed. Although responses supported the need to prevent poisonings, there were concerns about how changes might affect:

    • people with chronic pain, especially those in regional areas, where it may be harder to access pharmacies and, therefore, larger packs
    • people on limited incomes, if certain products were made prescription-only.

    Although deaths from paracetamol poisoning are tragic and preventable, they are rare considering how much paracetamol Australians use. There is less than one death due to poisoning for every million packs sold.

    Because of this, it was important the TGA addressed concerns about poisonings while making sure Australians still had easy access to this essential medicine.

    Pharmacist typing at computer behind the counter
    If you buy large packs of paracetamol for chronic pain, you’ll need to go to the pharmacy counter. StratfordProductions/Shutterstock

    So what’s changing?

    The key changes being introduced relate to new rules about the pack sizes that can be sold outside pharmacies, and the location of products sold in pharmacies.

    From February 1, packs sold in supermarkets and places other than pharmacies will reduce from a maximum 20 tablets to 16 tablets per pack. These changes bring Australia in line with other countries. These include the United Kingdom, which restricted supermarket packs to 16 tablets in 1998, and saw reductions in poisonings.

    In all jurisdictions except Queensland and Western Australia, packs sold in pharmacies larger than 50 tablets will move behind the pharmacy counter and can only be sold under pharmacist supervision. In Queensland and WA, products containing more than 16 tablets will only be available from behind the pharmacy counter and sold under pharmacist supervision.

    In all jurisdictions, any packs containing more than 50 tablets will need to be sold in blister packs, rather than bottles.

    Several paracetamol products are not affected by these changes. These include children’s products, slow-release formulations (for example, “osteo” products), and products already behind the pharmacy counter or only available via prescription.

    What else do I need to know?

    These changes have been introduced to reduce the risk of poisonings from people exceeding recommended doses. The overall safety profile of paracetamol has not changed.

    Paracetamol is still available from all current locations and there are no plans to make it prescription-only or remove it from supermarkets altogether. Many companies have already been updating their packaging to ensure there are no gaps in supply.

    The reduction in pack sizes of paracetamol available in supermarkets means a pack of 16 tablets will now last two days instead of two-and-a-half days if taken at the maximum dose (two tablets, four times a day). Anyone in pain that does not improve after short-term use should speak to their pharmacist or GP.

    For people who use paracetamol regularly for chronic pain, it is more cost-effective to continue buying larger packs from pharmacies. As larger packs (50+ tablets) need to be kept out of sight, you will need to ask at the pharmacy counter. Pharmacists know that for many people it’s appropriate to use paracetamol daily for chronic pain.

    Natasa Gisev, Clinical pharmacist and Scientia Associate Professor at the National Drug and Alcohol Research Centre, UNSW Sydney and Ria Hopkins, Postdoctoral Research Fellow, National Drug and Alcohol Research Centre, UNSW Sydney

    This article is republished from The Conversation under a Creative Commons license. Read the original article.

    Share This Post

  • Anchovies vs Sardines – Which is Healthier?

    10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.

    Our Verdict

    When comparing anchovies to sardines, we picked the sardines.

    Why?

    In terms of macros, sardines have slightly more protein and more than 2x the fat, but the fat profile is healthier than that of anchovies, meaning that the amount of saturated fat is the same, and sardines have more poly- and monounsaturated fats. Breaking it down further, sardines also have more omega-3. Unless you are for whatever reason especially keen to keep your total fat* intake down, sardines win here.

    *or calories, which in this case come almost entirely from the fat, and sardines are consequently nearly 2x higher in calories.

    When it comes to vitamins, sardines further distinguish themselves; anchovies have more of vitamins B2 and B3, while sardines have more of vitamins A, B1, B6, B12, B9, E, and K—in some cases, by quite large margins (especially the B12 and K, being 14x more and 26x more, respectively). A clear win for sardines.

    Minerals are closer to even; anchovies have more copper, iron, and zinc, while sardines have more calcium, manganese, phosphorus, and selenium. That’s already a slight win for sardines, before we take into account that sardines’ margins of difference are also much greater than anchovies’.

    In short, enjoy either in moderation if you are so inclined, but sardines win on overall nutritional density.

    Want to learn more?

    You might like to read:

    Farmed Fish vs Wild Caught: More Important Than You Might Think

    Take care!

    Share This Post

Related Posts

  • When Your Brain’s “Get-Up-And-Go” Has Got Up And Gone…
  • Reasons to Stay Alive – by Matt Haig

    10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.

    We’ve previously reviewed Matt Haig’s (excellent) The Comfort Book, and now it’s time for his more famous book: Reasons To Stay Alive. So, what’s this one, beyond the obvious?

    It narrates the experience of anxiety, depression, and suicidality, and discovering how to find beauty and joy in the world despite it all. It’s not that the author found a magical cure—he still experiences depression and anxiety (cannot speak for suicidality) but he knows now how to manage it, and live his life.

    You may be wondering: is this book instructional; is it reproducible, or is it just an autobiography? It’s centered around his own experience and learnings, but it gives a huge sense of not feeling alone, of having hope, and it gives a template for making sense of one’s own experience, even if every person will of course have some points of differences, the commonalities are nonetheless of immense value.

    The writing style is similar to The Comfort Book; it’s lots of small chapters, and all very easy-reading. Well, the subject matter is sometimes rather heavy, but the language is easy-reading! In other words, just the thing for when one is feeling easily overwhelmed, or not feeling up to reading a lot.

    Bottom line: whether or not you suffer with anxiety and/or depression, whether or not you sometimes feel suicidal, the contents of this book are important, valuable insights for everyone.

    Click here to check out Reasons To Stay Alive, and see through the highs and lows of life.

    Don’t Forget…

    Did you arrive here from our newsletter? Don’t forget to return to the email to continue learning!

    Learn to Age Gracefully

    Join the 98k+ American women taking control of their health & aging with our 100% free (and fun!) daily emails:

  • When the Body Says No – by Dr. Gabor Maté

    10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.

    We know that chronic stress is bad for us because of what it does to our cortisol levels, so what is the rest of this book about?

    Dr. Gabor Maté is a medical doctor, heavily specialized in the impact of psychological trauma on long term physical health.

    Here, he examies—as the subtitle promises—the connection between stress and disease. As it turns out, it’s not that simple.

    We learn not just about the impact that stress has on our immune system (including increasing the risk of autoimmune disorders like rheumatoid arthritis), the cardiovascular system, and various other critical systems fo the body… But also:

    • how environmental factors and destructive coping styles contribute to the onset of disease, and
    • how traumatic events can warp people’s physical perception of pain
    • how certain illnesses are associated with particular personality types.

    This latter is not “astrology for doctors”, by the way. It has more to do with what coping strategies people are likely to employ, and thus what diseases become more likely to take hold.

    The book has practical advice too, and it’s not just “reduce your stress”. Ideally, of course, indeed reduce your stress. But that’s a) obvious b) not always possible. Rather, Dr. Maté explains which coping strategies result in the least prevalence of disease.

    In terms of writing style, the book is very much easy-reading, but be warned that (ironically) this isn’t exactly a feel-good book. There are lot of tragic stories in it. But, even those are very much well-worth reading.

    Bottom line: if you (and/or a loved one) are suffering from stress, this book will give you the knowledge and understanding to minimize the harm that it will otherwise do.

    Click here to check out When The Body Says No, and take good care of yourself; you’re important!

    Don’t Forget…

    Did you arrive here from our newsletter? Don’t forget to return to the email to continue learning!

    Learn to Age Gracefully

    Join the 98k+ American women taking control of their health & aging with our 100% free (and fun!) daily emails:

  • Once-A-Week Strategy to Stop Procrastination – by Brad Meir

    10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.

    Procrastination is perhaps the most frustrating bad habit to kick!

    We know we should do the things. We know why we should do the things. We want to do the things. We’re afraid of what will happen if we don’t do the things. And then we… don’t do the things? What is going on?!

    Brad Meir has answers, and—what a relief—solutions. But enough about him, because first he wants to focus a little on you:

    Why do you procrastinate? No, you’re probably not “just lazy”, and he’ll guide you through figuring out what it is that makes you procrastinate. There’s an exploration of various emotions here, as well as working out: what type of procrastinator are you?

    Then, per what you figured out with his guidance, exercises, and tests, it’s time for an action plan.

    But, importantly: one you can actually do, because it won’t fall foul of the problems you’ve been encountering so far. The exact mechanism you’ll use may vary a bit based on you, but some tools here are good for everyone—as well as an outline of the mistakes you could easily make, and how to avoid falling into those traps. And, last but very definitely not least, his “once a week plan”, per the title.

    All in all, a highly recommendable and potentially life-changing book.

    Grab Your Copy of “Once-A-Week Strategy to Stop Procrastination” NOW (don’t put it off!)

    Don’t Forget…

    Did you arrive here from our newsletter? Don’t forget to return to the email to continue learning!

    Learn to Age Gracefully

    Join the 98k+ American women taking control of their health & aging with our 100% free (and fun!) daily emails: