Psychology Sunday: Family Estrangment & How To Fix It

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Estrangement, And How To Heal It

We’ve written before about how deleterious to the health loneliness and isolation can be, and what things can be done about it. Today, we’re tackling a related but different topic.

We recently had a request to write about…

❝Reconciliation of relationships in particular estrangement mother adult daughter❞

And, this is not only an interesting topic, but a very specific one that affects more people than is commonly realized!

In fact, a recent 800-person study found that more than 43% of people experienced family estrangement of one sort or another, and a more specific study of more than 2,000 mother-child pairs found that more than 11% of mothers were estranged from at least one adult child.

So, if you think of the ten or so houses nearest to you, probably at least one of them contains a parent estranged from at least one adult child. Maybe it’s yours. Either way, we hope this article will give you some pause for thought.

Which way around?

It makes a difference to the usefulness of this article whether any given reader experiencing estrangement is the parent or the adult child. We’re going to assume the reader is the parent. It also makes a difference who did the estranging. That’s usually the adult child.

So, we’re broadly going to write with that expectation.

Why does it happen?

When our kids are small, we as parents hold all the cards. It may not always feel that way, but we do. We control our kids’ environment, we influence their learning, we buy the food they eat and the clothes they wear. If they want to go somewhere, we probably have to take them. We can even set and enforce rules on a whim.

As they grow, so too does their independence, and it can be difficult for us as parents to relinquish control, but we’re going to have to at some point. Assuming we are good parents, we just hope we’ve prepared them well enough for the world.

Once they’ve flown the nest and are living their own adult lives, there’s an element of inversion. They used to be dependent on us; now, not only do they not need us (this is a feature not a bug! If we have been good parents, they will be strong without us, and in all likelihood one day, they’re going to have to be), but also…

We’re more likely to need them, now. Not just in the “oh if we have kids they can look after us when we’re old” sense, but in that their social lives are growing as ours are often shrinking, their family growing, while ours, well, it’s the same family but they’re the gatekeepers to that now.

If we have a good relationship, this goes fine. However, it might only take one big argument, one big transgression, or one “final straw”, when the adult child decides the parent is more trouble than they’re worth.

And, obviously, that’s going to hurt. But it’s pretty much how it pans out, according to studies:

Here be science: Tensions in the Parent and Adult Child Relationship: Links to Solidarity and Ambivalence

How to fix it, step one

First, figure out what went wrong.

Resist any urge to protect your own feelings with a defensive knee-jerk “I don’t know; I was a good, loving parent”. That’s a very natural and reasonable urge and you’re quite possibly correct, but it won’t help you here.

Something pushed them away. And, it will almost certainly have been a push factor from you, not a pull factor from whoever is in their life now. It’s easy to put the blame externally, but that won’t fix anything.

And, be honest with yourself; this isn’t a job interview where we have to present a strength dressed up as a “greatest weakness” for show.

You can start there, though! If you think “I was too loving”, then ok, how did you show that love? Could it have felt stifling to them? Controlling? Were you critical of their decisions?

It doesn’t matter who was right or wrong, or even whether or not their response was reasonable. It matters that you know what pushed them away.

How to fix it, step two

Take responsibility, and apologize. We’re going to assume that your estrangement is such that you can, at least, still get a letter to them, for example. Resist the urge to argue your case.

Here’s a very good format for an apology; please consider using this template:

The 10-step (!) apology that’s so good, you’ll want to make a note of it

You may have to do some soul-searching to find how you will avoid making the same mistake in the future, that you did in the past.

If you feel it’s something you “can’t change”, then you must decide what is more important to you. Only you can make that choice, but you cannot expect them to meet you halfway. They already made their choice. In the category of negotiation, they hold all the cards now.

How to fix it, step three

Now, just wait.

Maybe they will reply, forgiving you. If they do, celebrate!

Just be aware that once you reconnect is not the time to now get around to arguing your case from before. It will never be the time to get around to arguing your case from before. Let it go.

Nor should you try to exact any sort of apology from them for estranging you, or they will at best feel resentful, wonder if they made a mistake in reconnecting, and withdraw.

Instead, just enjoy what you have. Many people don’t get that.

If they reply with anger, maybe it will be a chance to reopen a dialogue. If so, family therapy could be an approach useful for all concerned, if they are willing. Chances are, you all have things that you’d all benefit from talking about in a calm, professional, moderated, neutral environment.

You might also benefit from a book we reviewed previously, “Parent Effectiveness Training”. This may seem like “shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted”, but in fact it’s a very good guide to relationship dynamics in general, and extensively covers relations between parents and adult children.

If they don’t reply, then, you did your part. Take solace in knowing that much.

Some final thoughts:

At the end of the day, as parents, our kids living well is (hopefully) testament to that we prepared them well for life, and sometimes, being a parent is a thankless task.

But, we (hopefully) didn’t become parents for the plaudits, after all.

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  • Fatty Acids For The Eyes & Brain: The Good And The Bad

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    Good For The Eyes; Good For The Brain

    We’ve written before about omega-3 fatty acids, covering the basics and some lesser-known things:

    What Omega-3 Fatty Acids Really Do For Us

    …and while we discussed its well-established benefits against cognitive decline (which is to be expected, because omega-3 is good against inflammation, and a large part of age-related neurodegeneration is heavily related to neuroinflammation), there’s a part of the brain we didn’t talk about in that article: the eyes.

    We did, however, talk in another article about supplements that benefit the eyes and [the rest of the] brain, and the important links between the two, to the point that an examination of the levels of lutein in the retina can inform clinicians about the levels of lutein in the brain as a whole, and strongly predict Alzheimer’s disease (because Alzheimer’s patients have significantly less lutein), here:

    Brain Food? The Eyes Have It!

    Now, let’s tie these two ideas together

    In a recent (June 2024) meta-analysis of high-quality observational studies from the US and around the world, involving nearly a quarter of a million people over 40 (n=241,151), researchers found that a higher intake of omega-3 is significantly linked to a lower risk of macular degeneration.

    To put it in numbers, the highest intake of omega-3s was associated with an 18% reduced risk of early stage macular degeneration.

    They also looked at a breakdown of what kinds of omega-3, and found that taking a blend DHA and EPA worked best of all, although of people who only took one kind, DHA was the best “single type” option.

    You can read the paper in full, here:

    Association between fatty acid intake and age-related macular degeneration: a meta-analysis

    A word about trans-fatty acids (TFAs)

    It was another feature of the same study that, while looking at fatty acids in general, they also found that higher consumption of trans-fatty acids was associated with a higher risk of advanced age-related macular degeneration.

    Specifically, the highest intake of TFAs was associated with a more than 2x increased risk.

    There are two main dietary sources of trans-fatty acids:

    • Processed foods that were made with TFAs; these have now been banned in a lot of places, but only quite recently, and the ban is on the processing, not the sale, so if you buy processed foods that contain ingredients that were processed before 2021 (not uncommon, given the long life of many processed foods), the chances of them having TFAs is higher.
    • Most animal products. Most notably from mammals and their milk, so beef, pork, lamb, milk, cheese, and yes even yogurt. Poultry and fish technically do also contain TFAs in most cases, but the levels are much lower.

    Back to the omega-3 fatty acids…

    If you’re wondering where to get good quality omega-3, well, we listed some of the best dietary sources in our main omega-3 article (linked at the top of today’s).

    However, if you want to supplement, here’s an example product on Amazon that’s high in DHA and EPA, following the science of what we shared today 😎

    Take care!

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  • 7 Minutes, 30 Days, Honest Review: How Does The 7-Minute Workout Stack Up?

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    For those who don’t like exercising, “the 7-minute workout” (developed by exercise scientists Chris Jordan and Bret Klika) has a lot of allure. After all, it’s just 7 minutes and then you’re done! But how well does it stand up, outside of the lab?

    Down-to-Earth

    Business Insider’s Kelly Reilly is not a health guru, and here he reviews the workout for us, so that we can get a real view of what it’s really like in the real world. What does he want us to know?

    • It’s basically an optimized kind of circuit training, and can be done with no equipment aside from a floor, a wall, and a chair
    • It’s one exercise for 30 seconds, then 10 seconds rest, then onto the next exercise
    • He found it a lot easier to find the motivation to do this, than go to the gym. After all “it’s just 7 minutes” is less offputting than getting in the car, driving someplace, using public facilities, driving back, etc. Instead, it’s just him in the comfort of his home
    • The exercise did make him sweat and felt like a “real” workout in that regard
    • He didn’t like missing out on training his biceps, though, since there are no pulling movements
    • He lost a little weight over the course of the month, though that wasn’t his main goal (and indeed, he was not eating healthily)
    • He did feel better each day after working out, and at the end of the month, he enjoyed feeling self-confident in a tux that now fitted him better than it did before

    For more details, his own words, and down-to-earth visuals of what this looked like for him, enjoy:

    Click Here If The Embedded Video Doesn’t Load Automatically!

    Further reading

    Want to know more? Check out…

    Take care!

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  • How Ibogaine Can Beat Buprenorphine For Beating Addictions

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    It’s Q&A Day at 10almonds!

    Have a question or a request? We love to hear from you!

    In cases where we’ve already covered something, we might link to what we wrote before, but will always be happy to revisit any of our topics again in the future too—there’s always more to say!

    As ever: if the question/request can be answered briefly, we’ll do it here in our Q&A Thursday edition. If not, we’ll make a main feature of it shortly afterwards!

    So, no question/request too big or small

    ❝Questions?❞

    It seems that this week, everyone was so satisfied with our information, that we received no questions! (If you sent one and we somehow missed it, please accept our apologies and do bring our attention to it)

    However, we did receive some expert feedback that we wanted to share because it’s so informative:

    ❝I work at a detox rehab in Mexico, where we can use methods not legal in the United States. Therefore, while much of the linked articles had useful information, I’m in the “trenches” every day, and there’s some information I’d like to share that you may wish to share, with additional information:

    1. Buprenorphine is widely used and ineffective for addiction because it’s synthetic and has many adverse side effects. For heavy drug users it isn’t enough and they still hit the streets for more opioid, resulting in fentanyl deaths. Depending on length of usage and dose, it can take WEEKS to get off of, and it’s extremely difficult.
    2. Ibogaine is the medicine we use to detox people off opiates, alcohol, meth as well as my own specialty, bulimia. It’s psychoactive and it temporarily “resets” the brain to a pre-addictive state. Supplemented by behavior and lifestyle changes, as well as addressing the traumas that led to the addiction is extremely effective.

    Our results are about 50%, meaning the client is free of the substance or behavior 1 year later. Ibogaine isn’t a “magic pill” or cure, it’s an opening tool that makes the difficult work of reclaiming one’s life easier.

    Ibogaine is not something that should be done outside a medical setting. It requires an EKG to ensure the heart is healthy and doesn’t have prolonged QT intervals; also blood testing to ensure organs are functioning (especially the liver) and mineral levels such as magnetic and potassium are where they should be. It is important that this treatment be conducted by experienced doctors or practitioners, and monitoring vital signs constantly is imperative.

    I’m taking time to compose this information because it needs to be shared that there is an option available most people have not heard about.❞

    ~ 10almonds reader (slightly edited for formatting and privacy)

    Thank you for that! Definitely valuable information for people to know, and (if applicable for oneself or perhaps a loved one) ask about when it comes to local options.

    We see it’s also being studied for its potential against other neurological conditions, too:

    ❝The combination of ibogaine and antidepressants produces a synergistic effect in reducing symptoms of psychiatric disorders such as bipolar disorder, depression, schizophrenia, paranoia, anxiety, panic disorder, mania, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and obsessive–compulsive disorder. Though ibogaine and the antidepressant act in different pathways, together they provide highly efficient therapeutic responses compared to when each of the active agents is used alone.❞

    ~ Dr. Robert Kargbo

    Read more: Ibogaine and Their Analogs as Therapeutics for Neurological and Psychiatric Disorders

    For those who missed it, today’s information about ibogaine was in response to our article:

    Let’s Get Letting Go (Of These Three Things)

    …which in turn referenced our previous main feature:

    Which Addiction-Quitting Methods Work Best?

    Take care!

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  • Sleep wrinkles are real. Here’s how they leave their mark

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    You wake up, stagger to the bathroom and gaze into the mirror. No, you’re not imagining it. You’ve developed face wrinkles overnight. They’re sleep wrinkles.

    Sleep wrinkles are temporary. But as your skin loses its elasticity as you age, they can set in.

    Here’s what you can do to minimise the chance of them forming in the first place.

    How side-sleeping affects your face

    Your skin wrinkles for a number of reasons, including ageing, sun damage, smoking, poor hydration, habitual facial expressions (such as grinning, pouting, frowning, squinting) and sleeping positions.

    When you sleep on your side or stomach, your face skin is squeezed and crushed a lot more than if you sleep on your back. When you sleep on your side or stomach, gravity presses your face against the pillow. Your face skin is distorted as your skin is stretched, compressed and pulled in all directions as you move about in your sleep.

    You can reduce these external forces acting on the face by sleeping on your back or changing positions frequently.

    Doctors can tell which side you sleep on by looking at your face

    In a young face, sleep wrinkles are transient and disappear after waking.

    Temporary sleep wrinkles can become persistent with time and repetition. As we age, our skin loses elasticity (recoil) and extensibility (stretch), creating ideal conditions for sleep wrinkles or lines to set in and last longer.

    The time spent in each sleeping position, the magnitude of external forces applied to each area of the face, as well as the surface area of contact with the pillow surface, also affects the pattern and rate of sleep wrinkle formation.

    Skin specialists can often recognise this. People who favour sleeping on one side of their body tend to have a flatter face on their sleeping side and more visible sleep lines.

    Can a night skincare routine avoid sleep wrinkles?

    Collagen and elastin are two primary components of the dermis (inner layer) of skin. They form the skin structure and maintain the elasticity of skin.

    Skin structure
    The dermis is the inner layer of skin. mermaid3/Shutterstock

    Supplementing collagen through skincare routines to enhance skin elasticity can help reduce wrinkle formation.

    Hyaluronic acid is a naturally occurring molecule in human bodies. It holds our skin’s collagen and elastin in a proper configuration, stimulates the production of collagen and adds hydration, which can help slow down wrinkle formation. Hyaluronic acid is one of the most common active ingredients in skincare creams, gels and lotions.

    Moisturisers can hydrate the skin in different ways. “Occlusive” substances produce a thin layer of oil on the skin that prevents water loss due to evaporation. “Humectants” attract and hold water in the skin, and they can differ in their capacity to bind with water, which influences the degree of skin hydration.

    Do silk pillowcases actually make a difference?

    Bed with silk sheets and pillowcases
    Can they help? New Africa/Shutterstock

    Silk pillowcases can make a difference in wrinkle formation, if they let your skin glide and move, rather than adding friction and pressure on a single spot. If you can, use silk sheets and silk pillows.

    Studies have also shown pillows designed to reduce mechanical stress during sleep can prevent skin deformations. Such a pillow could be useful in slowing down and preventing the formation of certain facial wrinkles.

    Sleeping on your back can reduce the risk of sleep lines, as can a nighttime routine of moisturising before sleep.

    Otherwise, lifestyle choices and habits, such quitting smoking, drinking plenty of water, a healthy diet (eating enough vegetables, fruits, nuts, seeds, healthy fats, yogurt and other fermented foods) and regular use of sunscreens can help improve the appearance of the skin on our face.

    Yousuf Mohammed, Dermatology researcher, The University of Queensland; Khanh Phan, Postdoctoral Research Fellow, Frazer Institute, The University of Queensland, and Vania Rodrigues Leite E. Silva, Honorary Associate Professor, Frazer Institute, The University of Queensland

    This article is republished from The Conversation under a Creative Commons license. Read the original article.

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  • Cranberry juice really can help with UTIs – and reduce reliance on antibiotics

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    Cranberry juice has been used medicinally for centuries. Our new research indicates it should be a normal aspect of urinary tract infection (UTI) management today.

    While some benefits of cranberry compounds for the prevention of UTIs have been suspected for some time, it hasn’t been clear whether the benefits from cranberry juice were simply from drinking more fluid, or something in the fruit itself.

    For our study, published this week, we combined and collectively assessed 3,091 participants across more than 20 clinical trials.

    Our analysis indicates that increasing liquids reduces the rate of UTIs compared with no treatment, but cranberry in liquid form is even better at reducing UTIs and antibiotic use.

    Julie Falk/Flickr, CC BY-NC-ND

    Are UTIs really that bad?

    Urinary tract infections affect more than 50% of women and 20% of men in their lifetime.

    Most commonly, UTIs are caused from the bug called Escherichia coli (E.coli). This bug lives harmlessly in our intestines, but can cause infection in the urinary tract. This is why, particularly for women, it is recommended people wipe from front to back after using the toilet.

    An untreated UTI can move up to the kidneys and cause even more serious illness.

    Even when not managing infection, many people are anxious about contracting a UTI. Sexually active women, pregnant women and older women may all be at increased risk.

    Why cranberries?

    To cause a UTI, the bacteria need to attach to the wall of the urinary bladder. Increasing fluids helps to flush out bacteria before it attaches (or makes its way up into the bladder).

    Some beneficial compounds in cranberry, such as proanthocyanidins (also called condensed tannins), prevent the bacteria from attaching to the wall itself.

    While there are treatments, over 90% of the bugs that cause UTIs exhibit some form of microbial resistance. This suggests that they are rapidly changing and some cases of UTI might be left untreatable.

    massive lake with red cranberries floating on surface for harvesting
    The juice of cranberries has long been thought to have infection-fighting properties. duckeesue/Shutterstock

    What we found

    Our analysis showed a 54% lower rate of UTIs from cranberry juice consumption compared to no treatment. This means that significantly fewer participants who regularly consumed cranberry juice (most commonly around 200 millilitres each day) reported having a UTI during the periods assessed in the studies we analysed.

    Cranberry juice was also linked to a 49% lower rate of antibiotic use than placebo liquid and a 59% lower rate than no treatment, based on analysis of indirect and direct effects across six studies. The use of cranberry compounds, whether in drinks or tablet form, also reduced the prevalence of symptoms associated with UTIs.

    While some studies we included presented conflicts of interest (such as receiving funding from cranberry companies), we took this “high risk of bias” into account when analysing the data.

    woman sips from large glass of red juice
    The study found extra hydration helped but not to the same extent as cranberry juice. Pixelshot/Shutterstock

    So, when can cranberry juice help?

    We found three main benefits of cranberry juice for UTIs.

    1. Reduced rates of infections

    Increasing fluids (for example, drinking more water) reduced the prevalence of UTIs, and taking cranberry compounds (such as tablets) was also beneficial. But the most benefits were identified from increasing fluids and taking cranberry compounds at the same time, such as with cranberry juice.

    2. Reduced use of antibiotics

    The data shows cranberry juice lowers the need to use antibiotics by 59%. This was identified as fewer participants in randomised cranberry juice groups required antibiotics.

    Increasing fluid intake also helped reduce antibiotic use (by 25%). But this was not as useful as increasing fluids at the same time as using cranberry compounds.

    Cranberry compounds alone (such as tablets without associated increases in fluid intake) did not affect antibiotic use.

    3. Reducing symptoms

    Taking cranberry compounds (in any form, liquid or tablet) reduced the symptoms of UTIs, as measured in the overall data, by more than five times.

    Take home advice

    While cranberry juice cannot treat a UTI, it can certainly be part of UTI management.

    If you suspect that you have a UTI, see your GP as soon as possible.

    Christian Moro, Associate Professor of Science & Medicine, Bond University and Charlotte Phelps, Senior Teaching Fellow, Medical Program, Bond University

    This article is republished from The Conversation under a Creative Commons license. Read the original article.

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  • How to Fall Asleep Faster: CBT-Insomnia Treatment

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    Insomnia affects a lot of people, and is even more common as we get older. Happily, therapist Emma McAdam is here with a drug-free solution that will work for most people most of the time.

    Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Insomnia (CBTI)

    While people think of causes of insomnia as being things such as stress, anxiety, overthinking, disturbances, and so forth, these things affect sleep in the short term, but don’t directly cause chronic insomnia.

    We say “directly”, because chronic insomnia is usually the result of the brain becoming accustomed to the above, and thus accidentally training itself to not sleep.

    The remedy: cut the bad habit of staying in bed while awake. Lying in bed awake trains the brain to associate lying in bed with wakefulness (and any associated worrying, etc). In essence, we lie down, and the brain thinks “Aha, we know this one; this is the time and place for worrying, ok, let’s get to work”.

    So instead: if you’re in bed and not asleep within 15 minutes, get up and do something non-stimulating until you feel sleepy, then return to bed. This may cause some short term tiredness, but it will usually correct the chronic insomnia within a week.

    For more details, tips, and troubleshooting with regard to the above, enjoy:

    Click Here If The Embedded Video Doesn’t Load Automatically!

    Want to learn more?

    You might also like to read:

    How to Fall Back Asleep After Waking Up in the Middle of the Night

    Take care!

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