How To Avoid Self-Hatred & Learn To Love Oneself More

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Alain de Botton gives a compassionate, but realistic, explanation in this video:

The enemy within

Or rather, the collaborator within. Because there’s usually first an enemy without—those who are critical of us, who consider that we are bad people in some fashion, and may indeed get quite colorful in their expressions of this.

Sometimes, their words will bounce straight off us; sometimes, their words will stick. So what’s the difference, and can we do anything about it?

The difference is: when their words stick, it’s usually because on some level we believe their words may be true. That doesn’t mean they necessarily are true!

They could be (and it would be a special kind of hubris to assume no detractor could ever find a valid criticism of us), but very often the reason we have that belief, or at least that fear/insecurity, is simply because it was taught to us at an early age, often by harsh words/actions of those around us; perhaps our parents, perhaps our schoolteachers, perhaps our classmates, and so forth.

The problem—and solution—is that we learn emotions much the same way that we learn language; only in part by reasoned thought, and rather for the most part, by immersion and repetition.

It can take a lot of conscious self-talk to undo the harm of decades of unconscious self-talk based on what was probably a few years of external criticisms when we were small and very impressionable… But, having missed the opportunity to start fixing this sooner, the next best time to do it is now.

We cannot, of course, simply do what a kind friend might do and expect any better results; if a kind friend tells us something nice that we do not believe is true, then however much they mean it, we’re not going to internalize it. So instead, we must simply chip away at those unhelpful longstanding counterproductive beliefs, and simply build up the habit of viewing ourselves in a kinder light.

For more on all this, enjoy:

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  • Neuroaffirming care values the strengths and differences of autistic people, those with ADHD or other profiles. Here’s how

    10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.

    We’ve come a long way in terms of understanding that everyone thinks, interacts and experiences the world differently. In the past, autistic people, people with attention deficit hyperactive disorder (ADHD) and other profiles were categorised by what they struggled with or couldn’t do.

    The concept of neurodiversity, developed by autistic activists in the 1990s, is an emerging area. It promotes the idea that different brains (“neurotypes”) are part of the natural variation of being human – just like “biodiversity” – and they are vital for our survival.

    This idea is now being applied to research and to care. At the heart of the National Autism Strategy, currently in development, is neurodiversity-affirming (neuroaffirming) care and practice. But what does this look like?

    Unsplash

    Reframing differences

    Neurodiversity challenges the traditional medical model of disability, which views neurological differences solely through a lens of deficits and disorders to be treated or cured.

    Instead, it reframes it as a different, and equally valuable, way of experiencing and navigating the world. It emphasises the need for brains that are different from what society considers “neurotypical”, based on averages and expectations. The term “neurodivergent” is applied to Autistic people, those with ADHD, dyslexia and other profiles.

    Neuroaffirming care can take many forms depending on each person’s needs and context. It involves accepting and valuing different ways of thinking, learning and experiencing the world. Rather than trying to “fix” or change neurodivergent people to fit into a narrow idea of what’s considered “normal” or “better”, neuroaffirming care takes a person-centered, strengths-based approach. It aims to empower and support unique needs and strengths.

    girl sits on couch with colourful fidget toy
    Neuroaffirming care can look different in a school or clinical setting. Shutterstock/Inna Reznik

    Adaptation and strengths

    Drawing on the social model of disability, neuroaffirming care acknowledges there is often disability associated with being different, especially in a world not designed for neurodivergent people. This shift focuses away from the person having to adapt towards improving the person-environment fit.

    This can include providing accommodations and adapting environments to make them more accessible. More importantly, it promotes “thriving” through greater participation in society and meaningful activities.

    At school, at work, in clinic

    In educational settings, this might involve using universal design for learning that benefits all learners.

    For example, using systematic synthetic phonics to teach reading and spelling for students with dyslexia can benefit all students. It also could mean incorporating augmentative and alternative communication, such as speech-generating devices, into the classroom.

    Teachers might allow extra time for tasks, or allow stimming (repetitive movements or noises) for self-regulation and breaks when needed.

    In therapy settings, neuroaffirming care may mean a therapist grows their understanding of autistic culture and learns about how positive social identity can impact self-esteem and wellbeing.

    They may make efforts to bridge the gap in communication between different neurotypes, known as the double empathy problem. For example, the therapist may avoid relying on body language or facial expressions (often different in autistic people) to interpret how a client is feeling, instead of listening carefully to what the client says.

    Affirming therapy approaches with children involve “tuning into” their preferred way of communicating, playing and engaging. This can bring meaningful connection rather than compliance to “neurotypical” ways of playing and relating.

    In workplaces, it can involve flexible working arrangements (hours, patterns and locations), allowing different modes of communication (such as written rather than phone calls) and low-sensory workspaces (for example, low-lighting, low-noise office spaces).

    In public spaces, it can look like providing a “sensory space”, such as at large concerts, where neurodivergent people can take a break and self-regulate if needed. And staff can be trained to recognise, better understand and assist with hidden disabilities.

    Combining lived experience and good practice

    Care is neuroaffirmative when it centres “lived experience” in its design and delivery, and positions people with disability as experts.

    As a result of being “different”, people in the neurodivergent community experience high rates of bullying and abuse. So neuroaffirming care should be combined with a trauma-informed approach, which acknowledges the need to understand a person’s life experiences to provide effective care.

    Culturally responsive care acknowledges limited access to support for culturally and racially marginalised Autistic people and higher rates of LGBTQIA+ identification in the neurodivergent community.

    open meeting room with people putting ideas on colourful notes on wall
    In the workplace, we can acknowledge how difference can fuel ideas. Unsplash/Jason Goodman

    Authentic selves

    The draft National Autism Strategy promotes awareness that our population is neurodiverse. It hopes to foster a more inclusive and understanding society.

    It emphasises the societal and public health responsibilities for supporting neurodivergent people via public education, training, policy and legislation. By providing spaces and places where neurodivergent people can be their authentic, unmasked selves, we are laying the foundations for feeling seen, valued, safe and, ultimately, happy and thriving.

    The author would like to acknowledge the assistance of psychologist Victoria Gottliebsen in drafting this article. Victoria is a member of the Oversight Council for the National Autism Strategy.

    Josephine Barbaro, Associate Professor, Principal Research Fellow, Psychologist, La Trobe University

    This article is republished from The Conversation under a Creative Commons license. Read the original article.

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  • Codependent No More – by Melody Beattie

    10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.

    This is a book review, not a book summary, but first let’s quickly cover a common misconception, because the word “codependent” gets misused a lot in popular parlance:

    • What codependence isn’t: “we depend on each other and must do everything together”
    • What codependence is:“person 1 has a dependency on a substance (or perhaps a behavior, such as gambling); person 2 is trying to look after person 1, and so has developed a secondary relationship with the substance/behavior. Person 2 is now said to be codependent, because it becomes all-consuming for them too, even if they’re not using the substance/behavior directly”

    Funny how often it happens that the reality is more complex than the perception, isn’t it?

    Melody Beattie unravels all this for us. We get a compassionate and insightful look at how we can look after ourselves, while looking after another. Perhaps most importantly: how and where to draw a line of what we can and cannot do/change for them.

    Because when we love someone, of course we want to fight their battles with them, if not for them. But if we want to be their rock of strength, we can’t get lost in it too, and of course that hurts.

    Beatty takes us through these ideas and more, for example:

    • How to examine our own feelings even when it’s scary
    • How to practice self-love and regain self-worth, while still caring for them
    • How to stop being reactionary, step back, and act with purpose

    If the book has any weak point, it’s that it repeatedly recommends 12-step programs, when in reality that’s just one option. But for those who wish to take another approach, this book does not require involvement in a 12-step program, so it’s not a barrier to usefulness.

    Click here to check out Codependent No More and take care of yourself, too

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  • Built to Move – by Kelly starrett & Juliet Starrett

    10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.

    In our everyday lives, for most of us anyway, it’s not too important to be able to run a marathon or leg-press a car. Rather more important, however, are such things as:

    • being able to get up from the floor comfortably
    • reach something on a high shelf without twinging a shoulder
    • being able to put our socks on without making a whole plan around this task
    • get accidentally knocked by an energetic dog or child and not put our back out
    • etc

    Starrett and Starrett, of “becoming a supple leopard” fame, lay out for us how to make sure our mobility stays great. And, if it’s not already where it needs to be, how to get there.

    The “ten essential habits” mentioned in the subtitle “ten essential habits to help you move freely and live fully”, in fact also come with ten tests. No, not in the sense of arduous trials, but rather, mobility tests.

    For each test, it’s explained to us how to score it out of ten (this is an objective assessment, not subjective). It’s then explained how to “level up” whatever score we got, with different advices for different levels of mobility or immobility. And if we got a ten, then of course, we just build the appropriate recommended habit into our daily life, to keep it that way.

    The writing style is casual throughout, and a strong point of the book is its very clear illustrations, too.

    Bottom line: if you’d like to gain/maintain good mobility (at any age), this book gives a very reliable outline for doing so.

    Click here to check out Built to Move, and take care of your body!

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    Just think positive thoughts” is all well and good, but it doesn’t get much mileage in the real world, does it?

    What Daniel Paul offers is a lot better than that. Taking a CBT approach, he recommends tips and tricks, gives explanations and exercises, and in short, puts tools in the reader’s toolbox.

    But it doesn’t stop at just stopping negative thinking. Rather, it takes a holistic approach to also improve your general life…

    • Bookending your day with a good start and finish
    • Scheduling a time for any negative thinking that does need to occur (again with the useful realism!)
    • Inviting the reader to take on small challenges, of the kind that’ll have knock-on effects that add and multiply and compound as we go

    The format is very easy-reading, and we love that there are clear section headings and chapter summaries, too.

    Bottom line: definitely a book with the potential to improve your life from day one, and that’ll keep you coming back to it as a cheatsheet and references source.

    Get your copy of “How to Stop Negative Thinking” from Amazon today!

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  • Eat to Your Heart’s Content – by Dr. Sat Bains

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    Making food heart-healthy and tasty is a challenge that vexes many, but it doesn’t have to be so difficult.

    Dr. Sat Bains, a professional chef with multiple Michelin stars to his name, is an expert on “tasty”, and after surviving a heart attack himself, he’s become an expert on “heart-healthy” since then.

    The book contains not only the recipes (of which there are 68, by the way), but also large sections of explanation of what makes various ingredients or methods heart-healthy or heart-unhealthy.

    There’s science in there too, and these sections were written under the guidance of Dr. Neil Williams, a lecturer in physiology and nutrition.

    You may be wondering as to why the author himself has a doctorate too; in fact he has three, none of which are relevant:

    1. Doctor of Arts
    2. Doctor of Laws
    3. Doctor of Hospitality (Honorary)

    …but we prefix “Dr.” when people are that and he is that. The expertise we’re getting here though is really his culinary skill and extracurricular heart-healthy learning, plus Dr. Williams’ actual professional health guidance.

    Bottom line: if you’d like heart-healthy recipes with restaurant-level glamour, this book is a fine choice.

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  • Health Benefits Of Cranberries (But: You’d Better Watch Out)

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    Health Benefits Of Cranberries (But: You’d Better Watch Out)

    Quick clarification first: today we’re going to be talking about cranberries. Not “cranberry juice drink” that is loaded with sugar, nor “cranberry jelly” or similar that is more added sugar than it is cranberry.

    We’re going to keep this short today, because “eat berries” is probably something you know already, but there are some things you should be aware of!

    The benefits

    Cranberries, even more than most berries, are full of polyphenols and flavonoids that do “those three things that usually come together”: antioxidant properties, anti-inflammatory properties, and anti-cancer properties

    Unsurprisingly, this also means they’re good for the immune system and thus quite a boon in flu season:

    Consumption of cranberry polyphenols enhances human γδ-T cell proliferation and reduces the number of symptoms associated with colds and influenza: a randomized, placebo-controlled intervention study

    They’re also good for heart health:

    The effects of cranberry on cardiovascular metabolic risk factors: a systematic review and meta-analysis

    Quick Tip: we’re giving you one study for each of these things for brevity, but if you click through on any of our PubMed study links, you’ll (almost) always see a heading “Similar articles” heading beneath it, which will (almost) always show you plenty more.

    Perhaps the most popular reason people take cranberry supplements, though, is their effectiveness at prevention of urinary tract infections:

    Cranberry-containing products for prevention of urinary tract infections in susceptible populations: a systematic review and meta-analysis of randomized controlled trials

    Indeed, their effectiveness is such that researchers have considered them a putative alternative to antibiotics, particularly in individuals with recurrent UTIs:

    Can Cranberries Contribute to Reduce the Incidence of Urinary Tract Infections? A Systematic Review with Meta-Analysis and Trial Sequential Analysis of Clinical Trials

    Is it safe?

    Cranberries are generally considered a very healthful food. However, there are two known possible exceptions:

    If you are taking warfarin, it is possible that cranberry consumption may cause additional anti-clotting effects that you don’t want.

    If you are at increased risk of kidney stones, the science is currently unclear as to whether this will help or hinder:

    Where can I get some?

    You can probably buy fresh, frozen, or dried cranberries from wherever you normally do your grocery shopping.

    However, if you prefer to take it in supplement form, then here’s an example product on Amazon

    Enjoy!

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