Who Initiates Sex & Why It Matters

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In an ideal world, it wouldn’t matter any more than who first says “let’s get something to eat” when hungry. But in reality, it can cause serious problems on both sides:

Fear and loathing?

The person who initiates gets the special prize of an n% chance of experiencing rejection, and then what? Try again, and again, and risk seeming pushy? Or leave the ball in the other person’s court, where it may then go untouched for the next few months, because (in the most positive scenario) they were waiting for you to initiate at a better time for them?

The person who does not initiate, and/but does not want sex at that time, gets the special prize of either making their partner feel unwanted, insecure, and perhaps unloved, or else grudgingly consenting to sex that’s going to be no fun while your heart’s not in it, and thus create the same end result plus you had an extra bad experience?

So, that sucks all around:

  • Initiating touch (sex or cuddling) can feel like a test of being wanted, whereupon a lack of initiation or response may be misinterpreted as a lack of love or appreciation.
  • Meanwhile, non-reciprocation might stem from exhaustion or unrelated issues. For many, it’s a physiological lottery.

10almonds note: not discussed in this video, but for many couples, problems can also arise because one partner or another just isn’t showing up with the expected physical signs of physiological arousal, so even if they say (and mean!) an enthusiastic “yes”, their body’s signs get misread as a “not really, though”, resulting in one partner feeling rejected, and both feeling inadequate—on account of something that was completely unrelated to how the person actually felt about the prospect of sex*.

*Sometimes, physiological arousal will simply not accompany psychological arousal, no matter how sincere the latter. And on the flipside, sometimes the signs of physiological arousal will just show up without psychological arousal. The human body is just like that sometimes. We all must listen to our partners’ words, not their genitals!

The solution to this problem is thus the same as the solution to the rest of the problem that is discussed in the video, and it’s: good communication.

That can be easier said than done, of course—not everyone is at their most eloquent in such situations! Which is why it can be important to have those conversations first outside of the bedroom when the stakes are low/non-existent.

Even with the best communication, a more general, overarching non-reciprocity (real or perceived) of sexual desire can cause bitterness, resentment, and can ultimately be relationship-ending if a resolution that’s acceptable to everyone involved is not found.

Ultimately, the work as a couple must begin from within as individuals—addressing self-worth issues to better navigate love and intimacy.

For more on all of this, enjoy:

Click Here If The Embedded Video Doesn’t Load Automatically!

Want to learn more?

You might also like to read:

Relationships: When To Stick It Out & When To Call It Quits

Take care!

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  • When Bad Joints Stop You From Exercising (5 Things To Change)

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    The first trick to exercising with bad joints is to have better joints.

    Now, this doesn’t necessarily mean you can take a supplement and magically your joint problems will be cured, but there are adjustable lifestyle factors that can and will make things relatively better or worse.

    We say “and will”, because you don’t get a choice in that part. Everything we do, every little choice in our day, makes our health a little better or a little worse in some aspect(s). But we do get a choice between “relatively better” and “relatively worse”.

    With that in mind, do check out:

    Ok, you have bad joints though; what next?

    Let’s assume you’re doing your best with the above, and/or have simply decided not to, which is your call. You know your circumstances best. Either way, your joints are still not in sufficiently good condition to be able to exercise the way you’d like.

    First, the obvious: enjoy low-impact exercises

    For example:

    • Swimming
    • Yoga (much more appropriate here than the commonly-paired “and tai chi”)*
    • Isometric exercises (i.e. exercise without movement, e.g. squeezing things, or stationary stability exercises)

    *This is not to say that tai chi is bad. But if your problem is specifically your knees, there are many movements in most forms of tai chi that require putting the majority of one’s weight on one bent leg, which means the knee of that leg is going to suffer. If your knees are fine, then this won’t be an issue and it will simply continue strengthening your knees without discomfort. But they have to be fine first.

    See also: Exercising With Osteoporosis

    Second: support your joints through a full range of motion

    If you have bad joints, you probably know that there’s an unfortunate paradox whereby you get to choose between:

    1. Exercise, and inflame your joints
    2. Rest, and your joints seize up

    This is the way to get around that damaging dilemma.

    Moving your joints through a full range of motion regularly is critical for their maintenance, so do that in a way that isn’t straining them:

    If it’s your shoulders, for example, you can do (slow, gentle!) backstroke or front-crawl or butterfly motions while standing in the comfort of your living room.

    If it’s your knees, then supported squats can do you a world of good. That means, squat in front of a table or other stable object, with your fingertips (or as much of your hands as you need) on it, to take a portion of your weight (it can be a large portion; that’s fine too!) while you go through the full range of motion of the squat. Repeat.

    And so forth for other joints.

    See also: The Most Underrated Hip Mobility Exercise (Not Stretching)

    Third: work up slowly, and stop early

    You can do exercises that involve impact, and if you live a fairly normal life, you’ll probably have to (walking is an impact exercise). You can also enjoy cycling (low-impact, but not so low-impact as we discussed in the last section) and work up to running if you want to.

    However…

    While building up your joints’ mobility and strength, it is generally a good idea to stop before you think you need to.

    This means that it’s important to do those exercises in a way that you can stop early. For example, an exercise bike or a treadmill can be a lot of use here, so that you don’t find you need to stop for the day while miles from your house.

    If you get such a device, it doesn’t even have to be fancy and/or expensive. This writer got herself an inexpensive exercise bike like this one, and it’s perfectly adequate.

    Fourth: prioritize recovery, even if it doesn’t feel like you need it

    Everyone should do this anyway, but if your joints are bad, it goes double:

    Overdone It? How To Speed Up Recovery After Exercise (According To Actual Science)

    Fifth: get professional help

    Physiotherapists are great for this. Find one, and take their advice for your specific body and your specific circumstances and goals.

    Take care!

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  • 15 Easy Japanese Habits That Will Transform Your Health

    10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.

    The original title says “no-cost habits”, but in fairness, for most of us food is not usually free (alas). So, we will say “easy” instead, because they are indeed easy to build into your life:

    15 Healthy Habits To Adopt

    We’ll not keep them a mystery; they are:

    1. Intermittent fasting: naturally fasting for at least 12 hours overnight improves digestion and sleep quality.
    2. Fermented foods: regularly consuming fermented foods (like kimchi, or even just sauces like miso and shio koji) supports gut health.
    3. Rice & legumes over wheat: choosing wholegrain rice as a staple reduces bloating and benefits skin health (lentils are even better).
    4. Big breakfast, light dinner: eating a heavier breakfast and a lighter dinner gives energy in the morning and allows digestion to rest at night.
    5. Balancing indulgences: enjoying social meals without guilt and balancing food intake the next day.
    6. Daily gentle exercise: doing at least 15 minutes of yoga, Pilates, or light walking for long-term health.
    7. Daily baths: taking a warm bath boosts blood circulation and relaxation.
    8. Eating seasonal & diverse foods: including a variety of fresh, seasonal ingredients for balanced nutrition.
    9. Consistent morning routine: waking up at the same time, cleansing and moisturizing, and having a proper breakfast.
    10. Enjoying soup with meals: consuming nutrient-rich soups with vegetables and protein to prevent overeating.
    11. Chewing food thoroughly: eating slowly and chewing well aids digestion and enhances enjoyment.
    12. Light seasoning in food: avoiding overly salty or flavorful meals to appreciate natural tastes.
    13. Maintaining good posture: paying attention to posture during daily activities for better overall health.
    14. Prioritizing protein intake: eating protein-rich foods like tofu, beans, eggs, and fish, to maintain skin firmness as well as muscletone.
    15. Confidence in aging: focusing on internal well-being over external opinions and embracing health at every age.

    For more on each of these, enjoy:

    Click Here If The Embedded Video Doesn’t Load Automatically!

    Want to learn more?

    You might also like:

    What’s Your Ikigai?

    Take care!

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  • What Yoga Will Do For You (If Overweight)

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    First, let’s quickly address the word “overweight”. Over what weight, exactly?

    And the answer is: over the weight that, when measured in kilograms and divided by your height in square meters*, is sufficient to put your body-mass index (BMI) into the “overweight” category of 25+.

    *No, your height doesn’t come in square meters, because it’s a height not an area, but that’s the formula anyway.

    BMI is not very useful (see When BMI Doesn’t Measure Up if you’re unfamiliar) but unfortunately, it’s been used for a sufficiently large amount of research that new research becomes difficult without referencing the old research that depended on BMI, so we’re stuck with it for a while yet.

    Fun two-part fact about BMI before we move on:

    • If, by some accident or incident, you unfortunately lose a leg, your BMI will go down considerably (because your mass will be quite a bit lower)
    • If, by some accident or incident, you unfortunately lose both legs, your BMI will go up considerably (because your height will be quite a bit lower)

    BMI is a fabulous, highly functional system.

    Enough about BMI. What about yoga?

    Two things generally held to be true:

    1. Body fat above a certain level is not good for your health
    2. Yoga is good for your health

    So, how well do these things go together?

    Let’s start with the obvious question: is yoga good for weight loss?

    And the answer is: no, not really

    Or, at least, we were not able to find any particularly strong evidence to support it. While there were countless tiny studies with shoddy methodologies published in fringe publications making claims such as “self-reported weight loss after a year met the threshold for significance”, when we narrowed our search to only systematic reviews, suddenly there were only a few pages of results, and most of them weren’t actually relevant (i.e. they merely contained the keywords but in other contexts).

    Two were relevant, of which, one didn’t have the full text available (only an abstract that was lacking certain little details such as… the results), and the other one, well…

    ❝Out of 445 records identified during literature search, 30 trials with a total of 2173 participants were included. No effects on weight, body mass index, body fat percentage or waist circumference were found❞

    In other words, they also got the countless tiny studies that we found, carefully went through them to remove the worthless ones, and found 30 out of 445 that met appropriate standards, and those 30 studies that were robustly-conducted found no clear benefits, and the strongest positive conclusion they could draw was the benefits couldn’t be ruled out preliminarily, and that it was safe.

    Read in full: A systematic review and meta-analysis on the effects of yoga on weight-related outcomes

    So, what can it do?

    Researchers (Dr. Widya Wasityastuti et al.) did a meta-analysis of 30 randomized controlled trials (2,689 participants) examined yoga’s effects on cardiometabolic health in adults in the overweight or obese categories of BMI, using outcomes like blood pressure, cholesterol, glucose, inflammation, and antioxidant markers.

    The results, in few words:

    • Blood pressure effects: yoga was associated with a reduction in systolic blood pressure of 4.35 mmHg and diastolic blood pressure of 2.06 mmHg
    • Cholesterol effects: yoga produced modest improvements in lipid profiles, lowering LDL cholesterol by 0.08 mmol/L and increasing HDL cholesterol by 0.06 mmol/L
    • Other metabolic markers: yoga “may” improve glucose regulation, oxidative stress (redox balance), and inflammation, but the evidence for these outcomes remains uncertain

    Note that “may” is scientist-speak for “we haven’t proven it doesn’t”

    This means, of course, that the biggest deal here is the blood pressure reductions.

    This is quite in line with what we wrote about here: What Most People Don’t Know About Blood Pressure

    As for Dr. Wasityastuti’s paper, you can read it in full here: Impact of yoga on cardiometabolic health in adults with overweight or obesity: A systematic review and meta-analysis of randomized controlled trials

    Want to learn more?

    You might want to swing by:

    Which Style Of Yoga Is Best For You?

    Enjoy!

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  • Resistance Beyond Weights

    10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.

    Resistance, Your Way

    We’ve talked before about the importance of resistance training:

    Resistance Is Useful! (Especially As We Get Older)

    And we’ve even talked about how to make resistance training more effective:

    HIIT, But Make It HIRT

    (High Intensity Interval Training, but make it High Intensity Resistance Training)

    Which resistance training exercises are best?

    There are two reasonable correct answers here:

    1. The resistance training exercises that you will actually do (because it’s no good knowing the best exercise ever if you’re not going to do it because it is in some way offputting to you)
    2. The resistance training exercises that will prevent you from getting a broken bone in the event of some accident or incident

    This latter is interesting, because when people think resistance training, the usually immediate go-to exercises are often things like the bench press, or the chest machine in the gym.

    But ask yourself: how often do we hear about some friend or relative who in their old age has broken their humerus?

    It can happen, for sure, but it’s not as often as breaking a hip, a tarsal (ankle bones), or a carpal (wrist bones).

    So, how can we train to make those bones strong?

    Strong bones grow under strong muscles

    When archaeologists dig up a skeleton from a thousand years ago, one of the occupations that’s easy to recognize is an archer. Why?

    An archer has an unusual frequent exercise: pushing with their left arm while pulling with their right arm. This will strengthen different muscles on each side, and thus, increase bone density in different places on each arm. The left first metacarpal and right first and second metacarpals and phalanges are also a giveaway.

    This is because: one cannot grow strong muscles on weak bones (or else the muscles would just break the bones), so training muscles will force the body to strengthen the relevant bones.

    So: if you want strong bones, train the muscles attached to those bones

    This answers the question of “how am I supposed to exercise my hips” etc.

    Weights, bodyweight, resistance bands

    If you go to the gym, there’s a machine for everything, and a member of gym staff will be able to advise which of their machines will strengthen which muscles.

    If you train with free weights at home:

    • Wrist curls (forearm supported and stationary, lifting a dumbbell in your hand, palm-upwards) will strengthen the wrist
    • The farmer’s walk (carrying a heavy weight in each hand) will also strengthen your wrist
      • A modified version of this involves holding the weight with just your fingertips, and then raising and lowering it by curling and uncurling your fingers)
    • Lateral leg raises (you will need ankle-weights for this) will strengthen your ankles and your hips, as will hip abductions (as in today’s featured video), especially with a weight attached.
    • Ankle raises (going up on your tip-toes and down again, repeat) while holding weights in your hands will strengthen your ankles

    If you don’t like weights:

    • Press-ups will strengthen your wrists
      • Fingertip press-ups are even better: to do these, do your press-ups as normal, except that the only parts of your hands in contact with the ground are your fingertips
      • This same exercise can be done the other way around, by doing pull-ups
      • And that same “even better” works by doing pull-ups, but holding the bar only with one’s fingertips, and curling one’s fingers to raise oneself up
    • Lateral leg raises and hip abductions can be done with a resistance band instead of with weights. The great thing about these is that whereas weights are a fixed weight, resistance bands will always provide the right amount of resistance (because if it’s too easy, you just raise your leg further until it becomes difficult again, since the resistance offered is proportional to how much tension the band is under).

    Remember, resistance training is still resistance training even if “all” you’re resisting is gravity!

    If it fells like work, then it’s working

    As for the rest of preparing to get older?

    Check out:

    Training Mobility Ready For Later Life

    Take care!

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  • Cannabis & Mental Health: Good Or Bad?

    10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.

    When it comes to readily-available non-prescription legal “downer” drugs (that is to say, drugs that promote relaxation rather than “uppers” that promote stimulation), the most popular are of course alcohol and cannabis.

    We’ve written a lot more about alcohol than we have about cannabis—partly because there’s simply much more research available. While alcohol has been legal (and thus easy to research) throughout many wealthy nations for a long time, the “War on Drugs”—which did not at all reduce the use of drugs—really curtailed research for a long time, and now there’s a lot of catching-up to do.

    As a result, we know that alcohol is very bad for pretty much everything, including mental health—in which category it promotes/worsens mood disorders, including depression, and while often used to self-medicate against stress/anxiety, its numbing effects are short-lived and soon give the user extra reasons to be stressed and/or anxious. And, of course, it’s addictive, which is not fabulous.

    So, is cannabis better?

    Let’s address the topic of addictiveness first. Contrary to popular belief, it is indeed possible to become addicted to cannabis, though the likelihood of developing a substance abuse disorder is lower than for alcohol, and much lower than for nicotine.

    See: Prevalence of Marijuana Use Disorders in the United States Between 2001–2002 and 2012–2013

    If you prefer just the stats without the science, here’s the CDC’s rendering of that:

    Addiction (Marijuana or Cannabis Use Disorder)

    However, there is an interesting complicating factor, which is age. One is 4–7 times more likely to develop a substance abuse disorder (any substance abuse disorder), if one starts use as an adolescent, rather than later as an adult:

    See: Likelihood of developing an alcohol and cannabis use disorder during youth: Association with recent use and age

    So, if you’re in the older age group, that’s a point in favor of reduced risk.

    Does cannabis increase psychiatric disease risk?

    It depends. Is it occasional use, or regular? There is a difference between using it relax and unwind once in a while, and relying on it all the time.

    In the US, A 2021 report from the National Survey on Drug Use and Health showed (if we extrapolate the data to a population level):

    • 52,000,000 people reported cannabis use in the previous year, of whom,
    • 16,300,000 met the criteria for cannabis use disorder in the previous year

    So, we may assume that around 1 in 3 cannabis users meet the criteria for cannabis use disorder.

    Curious about who qualifies? The DSM-5 defines cannabis use disorder as the presence of at least 2 of the following:

    • Withdrawal symptoms when not using cannabis
    • Cannabis is taken in larger amounts or used over a longer period than intended
    • Persistent desire to cut down with unsuccessful attempts
    • Excessive time spent acquiring cannabis, using cannabis, or recovering from its effects
    • Cravings for cannabis use
    • Recurrent use resulting in neglect of social obligations
    • Continued use despite social or interpersonal problems
    • Important social, occupational, or recreational activities foregone to be able to use cannabis
    • Continued use despite physical harm
    • Continued use despite physical or psychological problems associated with cannabis use
    • Tolerance

    Source: DSM-5 Criteria for Substance Use Disorders: Recommendations and Rationale

    Now, with that in mind…

    Researchers examined the genetic links between cannabis use, cannabis use disorder, and psychiatric conditions, and found:

    • Cannabis use disorder showed strong associations with nearly all psychiatric disorders, while
    • Cannabis use (not disorder) had much weaker associations, and/but showed significant links with openness and conscientiousness.

    So, that’s quite a difference. But since this is a matter of genetic links (i.e. people with these genetic marks tend to have these matching traits), it’s not always immediately clear which way the causality goes, if any:

    • Does the genetic marker promote cannabis use / cannabis use disorder / linked psychiatric condition(s)?
    • Does the the cannabis use / cannabis use disorder cause the psychiatric condition?
    • Does the psychiatric condition promote the cannabis use / cannabis use disorder?

    Using a statistical technique called Mendelian randomization, some of the causality can be determined (depending on the data available, of course). Using this method, it can be known that:

    • Cannabis use disorder has bidirectional causal links with psychiatric disorders, especially schizophrenia and related disorders, as well as ADHD, BPD, and PTSD.
    • Major depressive disorder has the strongest reverse causal effect on cannabis use disorder. This means that people with major depressive disorder were more likely to go on to also develop cannabis use disorder.
    • Cannabis use without disorder showed far fewer causal links—mostly just the non-causal links with the traits of openness and conscientiousness*.

    *we might hypothesize that a person scoring highly (so to speak) on openness is more likely to try cannabis than those with lower scores on openness, and a person scoring highly (as it were) on conscientiousness is less likely to go on to develop a substance use disorder than someone with lower scores on same. However, the statistical modelling was not able to conclusively demonstrate this.

    You can read the paper in full, here: The genetic relationship between cannabis use disorder, cannabis use and psychiatric disorders

    Are there benefits?

    The biggest benefit is “it’s a lot safer than alcohol” when one wants a way to relax and wind down, which means that it can indeed alleviate stress and anxiety—occasionally. If you’re using it all the time, however, then you may start running into the problems of feeling more stressed and anxious in its absence, of course.

    Many use it for pain relief, and if that’s you, only you can judge whether the benefits outweigh the risks (and presumably you’ve concluded they do).

    Many use it for sleep (indeed, it’s even sometimes prescribed for some sleep disorders), and we’ve written about that here: Sweet Dreams Are Made of THC (Or Are They?)

    In the latter case, it’s worth bearing in mind that CBD alone (without THC) does seem to improve sleep (as discussed in the above-linked article), and has additional benefits too:

    CBD Oil: What Does The Science Say?

    Prefer a drug-free way to relax?

    We recommend:

    Enjoy!

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  • Beetroot vs Olives – Which is Healthier?

    10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.

    Our Verdict

    When comparing beetroot to olives, we picked the beetroot.

    Why?

    Both of these salad items are strong contenders and bring different things to the table, so it comes down to how they stack up:

    In terms of macros, beetroot has slightly more protein and carbs, while olives have slightly more fiber and rather more fat (famously healthy fats, though). All in all, we’d call it a nominal win for olives based on the fats.

    In the category of vitamins, beetroot has more of vitamins B1, B2, B3, B5, B6, B7, B9, and C, while olives have more of vitmains A, E, K, and choline. Thus, an 8:4 win for beetroot.

    When it comes to minerals, beetroot has more magnesium, manganese, phosphorus, potassium, and zinc, while olives have more calcium, copper, iron, and selenium. That would be a marginal 5:4 win for beetroot already, but it’s worth noting that olives are also high in one other mineral; namely, olives are about 10x higher in sodium. Which, except under very specific circumstances, is not usually what we want for good health, so we’ll consider it a point against olives here, making this an stronger win for beetroot.

    Looking at polyphenols and other phytochemicals, both are good, but beetroot has most, and especially its betalain content goes a long way (see link below).

    Adding up the sections makes for an overall win for beetroot, but by all means do enjoy either or both; diversity is good!

    Want to learn more?

    You might like:

    Beetroot For More Than Just Your Blood Pressure

    Enjoy!

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