STI rates are increasing among midlife and older adults. We need to talk about it
10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.
Globally, the rates of common sexually transmissible infections (STIs) are increasing among people aged over 50. In some cases, rates are rising faster than among younger people.
Recent data from the United States Centers for Disease Control and Prevention shows that, among people aged 55 and older, rates of gonorrhoea and chlamydia, two of the most common STIs, more than doubled between 2012 and 2022.
Australian STI surveillance data has reflected similar trends. Between 2013 and 2022, there was a steady increase in diagnoses of chlamydia, gonorrhoea and syphilis among people aged 40 and older. For example, there were 5,883 notifications of chlamydia in Australians 40 plus in 2013, compared with 10,263 in 2022.
A 2020 study of Australian women also showed that, between 2000 and 2018, there was a sharper increase in STI diagnoses among women aged 55–74 than among younger women.
While the overall rate of common STIs is highest among young adults, the significant increase in STI diagnoses among midlife and older adults suggests we need to pay more attention to sexual health across the life course.
Why are STI rates rising among older adults?
STI rates are increasing globally for all age groups, and an increase among midlife and older people is in line with this trend.
However, increases of STIs among older people are likely due to a combination of changing sex and relationship practices and hidden sexual health needs among this group.
The “boomer” generation came of age in the 60s and 70s. They are the generation of free love and their attitude to sex, even as they age, is quite different to that of generations before them.
Given the median age of divorce in Australia is now over 43, and the internet has ushered in new opportunities for post-separation dating, it’s not surprising that midlife and older adults are exploring new sexual practices or finding multiple sexual partners.
It’s also possible midlife and older people have not had exposure to sexual health education in school or do not relate to current safe sex messages, which tend to be directed toward young people. Condoms may therefore seem unnecessary for people who aren’t trying to avoid pregnancy. Older people may also lack confidence negotiating safe sex or accessing STI screening.
Hidden sexual health needs
In contemporary life, the sex lives of older adults are largely invisible. Ageing and older bodies are often associated with loss of power and desirability, reflected in the stereotype of older people as asexual and in derogatory jokes about older people having sex.
With some exceptions, we see few positive representations of older sexual bodies in film or television.
Older people’s sexuality is also largely invisible in public policy. In a review of Australian policy relating to sexual and reproductive health, researchers found midlife and older adults were rarely mentioned.
Sexual health policy generally targets groups with the highest STI rates, which excludes most older people. As midlife and older adults are beyond childbearing years, they also do not feature in reproductive health policy. This means there is a general absence of any policy related to sex or sexual health among midlife or older adults.
Added to this, sexual health policy tends to be focused on risk rather than sexual wellbeing. Sexual wellbeing, including freedom and capacity to pursue pleasurable sexual experiences, is strongly associated with overall health and quality of life for adults of all ages. Including sexual wellbeing as a policy priority would enable a focus on safe and respectful sex and relationships across the adult life course.
Without this priority, we have limited knowledge about what supports sexual wellbeing as people age and limited funding for initiatives to engage with midlife or older adults on these issues.
How can we support sexual health and wellbeing for older adults?
Most STIs are easily treatable. Serious complications can occur, however, when STIs are undiagnosed and untreated over a long period. Untreated STIs can also be passed on to others.
Late diagnosis is not uncommon as some STIs can have no symptoms and many people don’t routinely screen for STIs. Older, heterosexual adults are, in general, less likely than other groups to seek regular STI screening.
For midlife or older adults, STIs may also be diagnosed late because some doctors do not initiate testing due to concerns they will cause offence or because they assume STI risk among older people is negligible.
Many doctors are reluctant to discuss sexual health with their older patients unless the patient explicitly raises the topic. However, older people can be embarrassed or feel awkward raising matters of sex.
Resources for health-care providers and patients to facilitate conversations about sexual health and STI screening with older patients would be a good first step.
To address rising rates of STIs among midlife and older adults, we also need to ensure sexual health promotion is targeted toward these age groups and improve accessibility of clinical services.
More broadly, it’s important to consider ways to ensure sexual wellbeing is prioritised in policy and practice related to midlife and older adulthood.
A comprehensive approach to older people’s sexual health, that explicitly places value on the significance of sex and intimacy in people’s lives, will enhance our ability to more effectively respond to sexual health and STI prevention across the life course.
Jennifer Power, Associate Professor and Principal Research Fellow, Australian Research Centre in Sex, Health and Society, La Trobe University
This article is republished from The Conversation under a Creative Commons license. Read the original article.
Don’t Forget…
Did you arrive here from our newsletter? Don’t forget to return to the email to continue learning!
Recommended
Learn to Age Gracefully
Join the 98k+ American women taking control of their health & aging with our 100% free (and fun!) daily emails:
-
Why do I get ‘butterflies in my stomach’?
10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.
“Butterflies in the stomach” is that fluttery, nervous feeling you might have before a job interview, giving a speech or at the start of a romance.
It’s a cute description for one part of the fight-or-flight response that can kick in if you’re excited or afraid.
But what exactly are these butterflies? Why can we feel them in our stomach? And is there anything we can do about them?
Alfonso Scarpa/Unsplash Threat alert
These “butterflies” – along with a raised heart rate, sweating and feeling “jumpy” – are part of your survival mode. That’s when the part of your body known as the autonomic nervous system gets involved.
When you sense a possible threat – whether it’s physical or social, real or imagined – information is sent to the brain’s amygdala region for emotional processing. If the amygdala perceives danger, it sends a distress signal to another part of the brain, the hypothalamus, which kick-starts a cascade of changes to help the body prepare.
The adrenal glands on top of each kidney send the chemical messengers adrenaline and noradrenaline into the bloodstream, activating receptors in the blood vessels, muscles, lungs and heart. The heart rate and blood flow increase, blood sugar levels go up, and muscles are primed for strength (fight) and speed (flight).
Digestion can wait
Digestion can wait until after you have escaped from the tiger (or the job interview). So while all this is happening, your body reduces blood flow to your stomach and intestines, and pauses the constant digestive pulsing of the gut (known as peristalsis).
The autonomic nervous system also stimulates the stomach (and other organs) via the vagus nerve, the nerve that runs down from the brainstem alongside the vertebra, sending signals back and forth between the brain, heart and digestive system.
There isn’t direct evidence to explain which part of this cascade leads to the feeling of butterflies. But it is likely to be related to how the autonomic nervous system pauses the pulsing of the gut, and the vagus nerve sends signals about this change up to the brain.
The feeling of butterflies is technically a “gut feeling” but it’s just one of the signs of the gut communicating back and forth with the brain, along the so-called gut-brain axis. This is the system of communication pathways that shares signals about stress and mood, as well as digestion and appetite.
Could our gut microbes be involved?
Gut microbes are one part of this complex communication system. It’s tempting to think that the action of microbes is what causes the fluttery, butterfly feeling, but it’s unlikely to be that simple.
Microbes are, well, microscopic, as are the actions and changes they undergo from moment to moment. There would need to be coordinated microbial movements en masse to explain the sudden onset of that anxious feeling, like a flock of geese in formation, and there isn’t any evidence that microbes work like that.
However microbes have been shown to impact the stress response, with most research so far conducted in mice.
In humans, there is modest evidence from a small study linking microbes with the stress response. This showed that sticking to a microbiome-targeted diet – a diet, rich in prebiotic fibres, designed to feed fibre-loving members of your gut microbiome – could reduce perceived stress compared to a standard healthy diet.
But this single study isn’t enough on its own to definitively tell us exactly how this would work, or if this diet would work for everyone.
What can I do about the butterflies?
How can we manage those nervous bodily feelings?
The first thing to consider is if you need to manage them at all. If it’s a once in a blue-moon, high-stress situation, you might be able to just say “hi” to those butterflies and keep going about your day until your body’s rest-and-digest response kicks in to bring your body back to baseline.
Self-guided techniques can also help.
Mindfully observing your fluttery butterflies may help you notice subtle cues in your body about how you’re feeling, before you become overwhelmed.
By then moving through any actions in your control – from noticing your breath through to taking the next steps towards the plunge you fear most – you show your brain you can overcome the threat.
Sometimes it can be worth turning to the cause of the anxiety-causing situation itself. Could some extra interview prep (for example) help you feel more in control? Or is it more about reminding yourself of how getting through these situations aligns with your values? Sometimes a shift in perspective makes all the difference.
If anxiety is more frequent or is getting in the way of doing the things that matter to you, try the evidence-based method of “dropping the struggle”. https://www.youtube.com/embed/rCp1l16GCXI?wmode=transparent&start=0
This means sitting with, instead of trying to fight or resist, anxiety and any other bothersome feelings. You might even thank your mind (and body) for its attempt to help, and for the reminder about what is important to you.
Or you can seek help from a psychologist to ease anxiety (as well as other common mental health struggles) using an evidence-based approach commonly known as ACT or acceptance and commitment therapy. This involves developing skills for living a meaningful life in spite of difficult emotions and situations. It helps people work with, rather than control, tricky thoughts and feelings.
Amy Loughman, Senior Lecturer in Psychology, The University of Melbourne
This article is republished from The Conversation under a Creative Commons license. Read the original article.
Share This Post
-
Over-50s Physio: What My 5 Oldest Patients (Average Age 92) Do Right
10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.
Oftentimes, people of particularly advanced years will be asked their secret to longevity, and sometimes the answers aren’t that helpful because they don’t actually know, and ascribe it to some random thing. Will Harlow, the over-50s specialist physio, talks about the top 5 science-based things that his 5 oldest patients do, that enhances the healthy longevity that they are enjoying:
The Top 5’s Top 5
Here’s what they’re doing right:
Daily physical activity: all five patients maintain a consistent habit of daily exercise, which includes activities like exercise classes, home workouts, playing golf, or taking daily walks. They prioritize movement even when it’s difficult, rarely skipping a day unless something serious happened. A major motivator was the fear of losing mobility, as they had seen spouses, friends, or family members stop exercising and never start again.
Prioritize sleep (but not too much): the patients each average seven hours of sleep per night, aligning with research suggesting that 7–9 hours of sleep is ideal for health. They maintain consistent sleep and wake-up times, which contributes to their well-being. While they allow themselves short naps when needed, they avoid long afternoon naps to avoid disrupting their sleep patterns.
Spend time in nature: spending time outdoors is a priority for all five individuals. Whether through walking, gardening, or simply sitting on a park bench, they make it a habit to connect with nature. This aligns with studies showing that time spent in natural environments, especially near water, significantly reduces stress. When water isn’t accessible, green spaces still provide a beneficial boost to mental health.
Stick to a routine: the patients all value simple daily routines, such as enjoying an evening cup of tea, taking a daily walk, or committing to small gardening tasks. These routines offer mental and physical grounding, providing stability even when life becomes difficult sometimes. They emphasized the importance of keeping routines simple and manageable to ensure they could stick to them regardless of life’s challenges.
Stay curious: a shared trait among the patients was their curiosity and eagerness to learn. They enjoy meeting new people, exploring new experiences, and taking on new challenges. Two of them attended the University of the Third Age to learn new skills, while another started playing bridge as a new hobby. The remaining two have recently made new friends. They all maintain a playful attitude, a good sense of humor, and aren’t afraid to fail or laugh at themselves.
For more on each of these, enjoy:
Click Here If The Embedded Video Doesn’t Load Automatically!
Want to learn more?
You might also like to read:
Top 8 Habits Of The Top 1% Healthiest Over-50s ← another approach to the same question, this time with a larger sample size, and/but many younger (than 90s) respondents.
Take care!
Share This Post
-
My shins hurt after running. Could it be shin splints?
10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.
If you’ve started running for the first time, started again after a break, or your workout is more intense, you might have felt it. A dull, nagging ache down your shins after you exercise.
Should you push through? Or could it be the sign of something more serious?
Shin splints are one of the most common and preventable injuries among runners, whether new or seasoned.
The good news is they can usually be treated effectively in a few weeks. But it’s important to recognise when to take a break. Knowing the simple ways to treat and prevent shin splints can prevent a more serious injury, and get you back on track faster.
What are shin splints?
Shin splints, medically known as medial tibial stress syndrome, are a common overuse injury.
They cause pain along the inner border of the tibia (shinbone), usually triggered by repetitive stress on the lower leg. Your leg may also feel tender or swell.
Shin splints are a type of periostitis, which means inflammation of the tissue lining the bone. The pain often fades with rest but quickly returns once activity resumes.
This kind of injury is especially common in sports such as football, rugby, and track and field, affecting between 4% and 35% of athletes, and up to 20% of runners. It can also affect dancers and military recruits.
What puts you at risk?
Shin splints can appear soon after sudden changes to your physical activity or exercise routine.
For example, you may have started exercising more often or for longer, or more intensely (such as running uphill or for longer distances).
A variety of factors can add fuel to the fire. They generally fall into two types:
- activity-related (what you do with your body)
- biomechanical (how your body moves or is built).
Aside from sudden spikes in training, activity-related risks include playing sport or running on hard surfaces or exercising in poorly designed shoes. For example, studies of soldiers have shown exercising in unsuitable or worn-out boots increases their risk of overuse injuries in the lower legs, including shin splints.
Diet may make a difference, too. There is evidence not eating enough calcium can make you more susceptible to shin splints. A vitamin D deficiency may also contribute, since it’s vital for calcium absorption.
Biomechanical risks can include a higher body mass index (BMI), having one leg longer than the other, tight calf muscles or flat feet (low or unusually inflexible arches).
If your feet roll in too much when you walk or run – often called flat feet or fallen arches – you’re also more susceptible.
While some studies suggest female athletes may experience shin splints more often than males, we need more research to fully understand why.
In short, shin splints aren’t just a bone issue. They reflect a complex mismatch between how much or hard you train and how your body tries (and sometimes fails) to adapt.
How can I tell if it’s something worse?
Shin splints are typically less severe than a stress fracture. This is a small crack in the bone caused by repeated impact or overuse, and usually requires a longer recovery period.
A stress fracture often causes sharp, localised pain that worsens with activity and may even hurt at rest or when touched.
A simple test can help you decide whether to seek additional advice: if you are unable to hop on one leg about ten times without sharp pain, it’s time to talk to a physio, sports doctor or podiatrist.
They can assess your symptoms and suggest treatment options. Imaging such as an x-ray or MRI may be used to rule out more serious conditions.
Treatment: rest, rehab, and return
The first and most important treatment is rest. Usually, shin splints resolve over three to four weeks. Continuing to train during the healing process will only prolong recovery and increase the risk of more serious injury.
Other effective strategies include:
- applying ice and compression to reduce swelling
- using anti-inflammatory medications, such as ibuprofen or naproxen
- doing calf stretches to improve flexibility
- wearing supportive shoes or orthotics helps keep your feet and legs properly aligned, reducing strain on the muscles around your ankles and giving your shin splints a better chance to heal.
You’ll want to be pain-free for at least three weeks before gradually resuming your exercise routine.
When returning, go slow and build up the amount and intensity of exercise gradually.
Prevention is the best treatment
Preventing shin splints is all about balance and preparation. Here are some evidence-based tips:
- warm up thoroughly and stretch your calves and Achilles tendon regularly
- use shock-absorbing insoles or orthotics if you experience ongoing pain, have flat feet, or your shoes wear out unevenly – it’s best to speak with a podiatrist or physiotherapist to find out what’s right for you
- check your shoes — replace them when worn out or every 240 kilometres
- vary your training surface (mix in grass or softer tracks)
- strengthen the muscles of the lower leg and hips to improve the way you move
- increase mileage and intensity gradually.
https://www.youtube.com/embed/EMiRjzMs7Zw?wmode=transparent&start=0 Strengthening your lower leg muscles can prevent further injury.
Krissy Kendall, Senior Lecturer in Exercise and Sports Science, Edith Cowan University and Caitlin Fox-Harding, Senior Lecturer/Researcher in Exercise and Sports Science, Edith Cowan University
This article is republished from The Conversation under a Creative Commons license. Read the original article.
Share This Post
Related Posts
-
People are getting costly stem cell injections for knee osteoarthritis. But we don’t know if they work
10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.
More than 500 million people around the world live with osteoarthritis. The knee is affected more often than any other joint, with symptoms (such as pain, stiffness and reduced movement) affecting work, sleep, sport and daily activities.
Knee osteoarthritis is often thought of as thinning of the protective layer of cartilage within the joint. But we now understand it affects all the structures of the joint, including the bones, muscles and nerve endings.
While there are things that can be done to manage the symptoms of knee osteoarthritis, there is no cure, and many people experience persistent pain. As a result, an opportunity exists for as yet unproven treatments to enter the market, often before regulatory safeguards can be put in place.
Stem cell injections are one such treatment. A new review my colleagues and I published this week finds that evidence of their benefits and harms remains elusive.
Marinesea/Shutterstock Stem cell treatments
Stem cells are already established as treatments for some diseases – mostly disorders of the blood, bone marrow or immune system – which has led to suggestions they could be used for a much wider array of conditions.
Stem cells have been touted as promising treatments for osteoarthritis because they have special properties which allow them to replicate and develop into the mature healthy cells that make up our body’s organs and other tissues, including cartilage.
Stem cell treatments for osteoarthritis generally involve taking a sample of tissue from a site that is rich in stem cells (such as bone marrow or fat), treating it to increase the number of stem cells, then injecting it into the joint.
The hope is that if the right type of stem cells can be introduced into an osteoarthritic joint in the right way and at the right time, they may help to repair damaged structures in the joint, or have other effects such as reducing inflammation.
But no matter how convincing the theory, we need good evidence for effectiveness and safety before a new therapy is adopted into practice.
Stem cells have been touted as promising treatments for osteoarthritis. But what does the evidence say? crystal light/Shutterstock Stem cell injections have not been approved by Australia’s Therapeutic Goods Administration for the treatment of osteoarthritis. Nonetheless, some clinics in Australia and around the world still offer them.
Because of the regulatory restrictions, we don’t have reliable numbers on how many procedures are being done.
They’re not covered by Medicare, so the procedure can cost the consumer thousands of dollars.
And, as with any invasive procedure, both the harvest of stem cells and the joint injection procedure may carry the potential for harm, such as infection.
What we found
Our new review, published by the independent, international group the Cochrane Collaboration, looks at all 25 randomised trials of stem cell injections for knee osteoarthritis that have been conducted worldwide to date. Collectively, these studies involved 1,341 participants.
We found stem cell injections may slightly improve pain and function compared with a placebo injection, but the size of the improvement may be too small for the patient to notice.
The evidence isn’t strong enough to determine whether there is any improvement in quality of life following a stem cell injection, whether cartilage regrows, or to estimate the risk of harm.
This means we can’t confidently say yet whether any improvement that might follow a stem cell injection is worth the risk (or the cost).
Osteoarthritis of the knee is the most common type of osteoarthritis. michaelheim/Shutterstock Hope or hype?
It’s not surprising we invest hope in finding a transformative treatment for such a common and disabling condition. Belief in the benefits of stem cells is widespread – more than three-quarters of Americans believe stem cells can relieve arthritis pain and more than half believe this treatment to be curative.
But what happens if a new treatment is introduced to practice before it has been clearly proven to be safe and effective?
The use of an unproven, invasive therapy is not just associated with the risks of the intervention itself. Even if the treatment were harmless, there is the risk of unnecessary cost, inconvenience, and a missed opportunity for the patient to use existing therapies that are known to be effective.
What’s more, if we need to play catch-up to try to establish an evidence base for a treatment that’s already in practice, we risk diverting scarce research resources towards a therapy that may not prove to be effective, simply because the genie is out of the bottle.
There are some ways to manage the symptoms of knee osteoarthritis. PeopleImages.com – Yuri A/Shutterstock Working towards a clearer answer
Several more large clinical trials are currently underway, and should increase our understanding of whether stem cell injections are safe and effective for knee osteoarthritis.
Our review incorporates “living evidence”. This means we will continue to add the results of new trials as soon as they’re published, so the review is always up to date, and offers a comprehensive and trustworthy summary to help people with osteoarthritis and their health-care providers to make informed decisions.
In the meantime, there are a number of evidence-based treatment options. Non-drug treatments such as physiotherapy, regular exercise, maintaining a healthy weight, and cognitive behavioural therapy can be more effective than you think. Anti-inflammatory and pain medications can also play a supporting role.
Importantly, it’s not inevitable that osteoarthritic joints get worse with time. So, even though joint replacement surgery is often highly effective, it’s the last resort and fortunately, many people never need to take this step.
Samuel Whittle, ANZMUSC Practitioner Fellow, Monash University
This article is republished from The Conversation under a Creative Commons license. Read the original article.
Don’t Forget…
Did you arrive here from our newsletter? Don’t forget to return to the email to continue learning!
Learn to Age Gracefully
Join the 98k+ American women taking control of their health & aging with our 100% free (and fun!) daily emails:
-
Genius Gut – by Dr. Emily Leeming
10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.
When it comes to the gut-brain information interchange, 90% of it is the gut talking to the brain (the brain is a good listener). As such, one of the best things we can do for our brain is ensure our gut has good things to say.
Dr. Leeming talks us through doing a quick initial assessment to judge the general goodness/badness of our current gut situation (based on output, not input, so it’s about the actual goodness/badness, not what we expect it should be), before going on to explain a lot of the anatomy and physiology at hand.
The hacks themselves may be, in their titles, things you already know—but where the real value of this book lies is in all the data and science collated under each of those hacks, allowing the reader to optimize everything rather than just guessing. Which can mean optimize by doing things as close to perfectly as possible, or it can mean optimize by doing/using the things that get the best results for the minimum effort. It’s up to you!
The style is very casual and friendly, even conversational, while not skimping on science (and indeed, citations are frequently provided for such).
Bottom line: if you’d like to improve your gut health, especially with the goal of improving your brain health, this is an excellent book for that.
Click here to check out Genius Gut, and make yours better for you!
Don’t Forget…
Did you arrive here from our newsletter? Don’t forget to return to the email to continue learning!
Learn to Age Gracefully
Join the 98k+ American women taking control of their health & aging with our 100% free (and fun!) daily emails:
-
Psychology Sunday: Family Estrangement & How To Fix It
10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.
Estrangement, And How To Heal It
We’ve written before about how deleterious to the health loneliness and isolation can be, and what things can be done about it. Today, we’re tackling a related but different topic.
We recently had a request to write about…
❝Reconciliation of relationships in particular estrangement mother adult daughter❞
And, this is not only an interesting topic, but a very specific one that affects more people than is commonly realized!
In fact, a recent 800-person study found that more than 43% of people experienced family estrangement of one sort or another, and a more specific study of more than 2,000 mother-child pairs found that more than 11% of mothers were estranged from at least one adult child.
So, if you think of the ten or so houses nearest to you, probably at least one of them contains a parent estranged from at least one adult child. Maybe it’s yours. Either way, we hope this article will give you some pause for thought.
Which way around?
It makes a difference to the usefulness of this article whether any given reader experiencing estrangement is the parent or the adult child. We’re going to assume the reader is the parent. It also makes a difference who did the estranging. That’s usually the adult child.
So, we’re broadly going to write with that expectation.
Why does it happen?
When our kids are small, we as parents hold all the cards. It may not always feel that way, but we do. We control our kids’ environment, we influence their learning, we buy the food they eat and the clothes they wear. If they want to go somewhere, we probably have to take them. We can even set and enforce rules on a whim.
As they grow, so too does their independence, and it can be difficult for us as parents to relinquish control, but we’re going to have to at some point. Assuming we are good parents, we just hope we’ve prepared them well enough for the world.
Once they’ve flown the nest and are living their own adult lives, there’s an element of inversion. They used to be dependent on us; now, not only do they not need us (this is a feature not a bug! If we have been good parents, they will be strong without us, and in all likelihood one day, they’re going to have to be), but also…
We’re more likely to need them, now. Not just in the “oh if we have kids they can look after us when we’re old” sense, but in that their social lives are growing as ours are often shrinking, their family growing, while ours, well, it’s the same family but they’re the gatekeepers to that now.
If we have a good relationship, this goes fine. However, it might only take one big argument, one big transgression, or one “final straw”, when the adult child decides the parent is more trouble than they’re worth.
And, obviously, that’s going to hurt. But it’s pretty much how it pans out, according to studies:
Here be science: Tensions in the Parent and Adult Child Relationship: Links to Solidarity and Ambivalence
How to fix it, step one
First, figure out what went wrong.
Resist any urge to protect your own feelings with a defensive knee-jerk “I don’t know; I was a good, loving parent”. That’s a very natural and reasonable urge and you’re quite possibly correct, but it won’t help you here.
Something pushed them away. And, it will almost certainly have been a push factor from you, not a pull factor from whoever is in their life now. It’s easy to put the blame externally, but that won’t fix anything.
And, be honest with yourself; this isn’t a job interview where we have to present a strength dressed up as a “greatest weakness” for show.
You can start there, though! If you think “I was too loving”, then ok, how did you show that love? Could it have felt stifling to them? Controlling? Were you critical of their decisions?
It doesn’t matter who was right or wrong, or even whether or not their response was reasonable. It matters that you know what pushed them away.
How to fix it, step two
Take responsibility, and apologize. We’re going to assume that your estrangement is such that you can, at least, still get a letter to them, for example. Resist the urge to argue your case.
Here’s a very good format for an apology; please consider using this template:
The 10-step (!) apology that’s so good, you’ll want to make a note of it
You may have to do some soul-searching to find how you will avoid making the same mistake in the future, that you did in the past.
If you feel it’s something you “can’t change”, then you must decide what is more important to you. Only you can make that choice, but you cannot expect them to meet you halfway. They already made their choice. In the category of negotiation, they hold all the cards now.
How to fix it, step three
Now, just wait.
Maybe they will reply, forgiving you. If they do, celebrate!
Just be aware that once you reconnect is not the time to now get around to arguing your case from before. It will never be the time to get around to arguing your case from before. Let it go.
Nor should you try to exact any sort of apology from them for estranging you, or they will at best feel resentful, wonder if they made a mistake in reconnecting, and withdraw.
Instead, just enjoy what you have. Many people don’t get that.
If they reply with anger, maybe it will be a chance to reopen a dialogue. If so, family therapy could be an approach useful for all concerned, if they are willing. Chances are, you all have things that you’d all benefit from talking about in a calm, professional, moderated, neutral environment.
You might also benefit from a book we reviewed previously, “Parent Effectiveness Training”. This may seem like “shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted”, but in fact it’s a very good guide to relationship dynamics in general, and extensively covers relations between parents and adult children.
If they don’t reply, then, you did your part. Take solace in knowing that much.
Some final thoughts:
At the end of the day, as parents, our kids living well is (hopefully) testament to that we prepared them well for life, and sometimes, being a parent is a thankless task.
But, we (hopefully) didn’t become parents for the plaudits, after all.
Don’t Forget…
Did you arrive here from our newsletter? Don’t forget to return to the email to continue learning!
Learn to Age Gracefully
Join the 98k+ American women taking control of their health & aging with our 100% free (and fun!) daily emails:
