Escape From The Clutches Of Shame

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We’ve written before about managing various emotions, including “negative” ones. We put that in “scare quotes” because they also all have positive aspects, that are just generally overshadowed by the fact that the emotions themselves are not pleasant. But for example…

We evolved our emotions, including the “negative” ones, for our own benefit as a species:

  • Stress keeps us safe by making sure we take important situations seriously
  • Anger keeps us safe by protecting us from threats
  • Disgust keeps us safe by helping us to avoid things that might cause disease
  • Anxiety keeps us safe by ensuring we don’t get complacent
  • Guilt keeps us safe by ensuring we can function as a community
  • Sadness keeps us safe by ensuring we value things that are important to us, and learn to become averse to losing them
  • …and so on

You can read more about how to turn these off (or rather, at least pause them) when they’re misfiring and/or just plain not convenient, here:

The Off-Button For Your Brain

While it’s generally considered good to process feelings instead of putting them aside, the fact is that sometimes we have to hold it together while we do something, such that we can later have an emotional breakdown at a convenient time and place, instead of the supermarket or bank or office or airport or while entertaining houseguests or… etc.

Today, though, we’re not putting things aside, for the most part (though we will get to that too).

We’ll be dealing with shame, which is closely linked to the guilt we mentioned in that list there.

See also: Reconsidering the Differences Between Shame and Guilt

Shame’s purpose

Shame’s purpose is to help us (as a community) avoid anti-social behavior for which we might be shamed, and thus exiled from the in-group. It helps us all function better together, which is how we thrive as a species.

Shame, therefore, is often assumed to be something we can (and possibly should) use to ensure that we (ourselves and/or others) “do the right thing”.

But there’s a catch…

Shame only works negatively

You may be thinking “well duh, it’s a negative emotion”, but this isn’t about negativity in the subjective sense, but rather, positive vs negative motivation:

  • Positive motivation: motivation that encourages us to do a given thing
  • Negative motivation: motivation that encourages us to specifically not do a given thing

Shame is only useful as a negative motivation, i.e., encouraging us to specifically not do a given thing.

Examples:

  • You cannot (in any way that sticks, at least) shame somebody into doing more housework.
  • You can, however, shame somebody out of drinking and driving.

This distinction matters a lot when it comes to how we are with our children, or with our employees (or those placed under us in a management structure), or with people who otherwise look to us as leaders.

It also matters when it comes to how we are with ourselves.

Here’s a paper about this, by the way, with assorted real-world examples:

The negative side of motivation: the role of shame

From those examples, we can see that attempts to shame someone (including oneself) into doing something positive will generally not only fail, they will actively backfire, and people (including oneself) will often perform worse than pre-shaming.

Looking inwards: healthy vs unhealthy shame

Alcoholics Anonymous and similar programs use a degree of pro-social shame to help members abstain from the the act being shamed.

Rather than the unhelpful shame of exiling a person from a group for doing a shameful thing, however, they take an approach of laying out the shame for all to see, feeling the worst of it and moving past it, which many report as being quite freeing emotionally while still [negatively] motivational to not use the substance in question in the future (and similar for activity-based addictions/compulsions, such as gambling, for example).

As such, if you are trying to avoid doing a thing, shame can be a useful motivator. So by all means, if it’s appropriate to your goals, tell your friends/family about how you are now quitting this or that (be it an addiction, or just something generally unhealthy that you’d like to strike off your regular consumption/activity list).

You will still be tempted! But the knowledge of the shame you would feel as a result will help keep you from straying into that temptation.

If you are trying to do a thing, however, (even something thought of in a negative frame, such as “lose weight”), then shame is not helpful and you will do best to set it aside.

You can shame yourself out of drinking sodas (if that’s your plan), but you can’t shame yourself into eating healthy meals. And even if your plan is just shaming yourself out of eating unhealthy food… Without a clear active positive replacement to focus on instead, all you’ll do there is give yourself an eating disorder. You’ll eat nothing when people are looking, and then either a) also eat next to nothing in private or else b) binge in secret, and feel terrible about yourself, neither of which are any good for you whatsoever.

Similarly, you can shame yourself out of bed, but you can’t shame yourself into the gym:

Is there positive in the negative? Understanding the role of guilt and shame in physical activity self-regulation

Let it go

There are some cases, especially those where shame has a large crossover with guilt, that it serves no purpose whatsoever, and is best processed and then put aside.

For example, if you did something that you are ashamed of many years ago, and/or feel guilty about something that you did many years ago, but this is not an ongoing thing for you (i.e., it was a one-off bad decision, or a bad habit that have now long since dropped), then feeling shame and/or guilt about that does not benefit you or anyone else.

As to how to process it and put it aside, if your thing harmed someone else, you could see if there’s a way to try to make amends (even if without confessing ill, such as by acting anonymously to benefit the person/group you harmed).

And then, forgive yourself. Regardless of whether you feel like you deserve it. Make the useful choice, that better benefits you, and by extension those around you.

If you are religious, you may find that of help here too. We’re a health science publication not a theological one, but for example: Buddhism preaches compassion including for oneself. Judaism preaches atonement. Christianity, absolution. For Islam, mercy is one of the holiest ideals of the religion, along with forgiveness. So while religion isn’t everyone’s thing, for those for whom it is, it can be an asset in this regard.

For a more worldly approach:

To Err Is Human; To Forgive, Healthy (Here’s How To Do It) ← this goes for when the forgiveness in question is for yourself, too—and we do write about that there (and how)!

Take care!

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    Does This Practice Really Hold A Candle To Evidence-Based Medicine?

    In Tuesday’s newsletter, we asked you your opinion of ear candling, and got the above-depicted, below-described set of responses:

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    • About 13% said “Done correctly, thermal-auricular therapy is harmless and potentially beneficial”

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    (Yes, 38%+13%=51%, but that’s because we round to the nearest integer in these reports, and more precisely it was 37.5% and 12.5%)

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    It is a safe, drug-free way to keep the ears free from earwax and pathogens: True or False?

    False! In a lot of cases of alternative therapy claims, there’s an absence of evidence that doesn’t necessarily disprove the treatment. In this case, however, it’s not even an open matter; its claims have been actively disproven by experimentation:

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    • 3 x otitis externa (this also called “swimmer’s ear”, and is an inflammation of the ear, accompanied by pain and swelling)
    • 1 x tympanic membrane perforation

    Indeed, authors of one paper concluded:

    ❝Ear candling appears to be popular and is heavily advertised with claims that could seem scientific to lay people. However, its claimed mechanism of action has not been verified, no positive clinical effect has been reliably recorded, and it is associated with considerable risk.

    No evidence suggests that ear candling is an effective treatment for any condition. On this basis, we believe it can do more harm than good and we recommend that GPs discourage its use

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    Source: Canadian Family Physician | Ear Candling

    Under no circumstances should you put things in your ear and set fire to them: True or False?

    True! It’s generally considered good advice to not put objects in general in your ears.

    Inserting flaming objects is a definite no-no. Please leave that for the Cirque du Soleil.

    You may be thinking, “but I have done this and suffered no ill effects”, which seems reasonable, but is an example of survivorship bias in action—it doesn’t make the thing in question any safer, it just means you were one of the one of the ones who got away unscathed.

    If you’re wondering what to do instead… Ear oils can help with the removal of earwax (if you don’t want to go get it sucked out at a clinic—the industry standard is to use a suction device, which actually does what ear candles claim to do). For information on safely getting rid of earwax, see our previous article:

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    …which is, of course, primarily a problem in the case of anger—and by extension, emotions that are often contemporaneous with anger, such as jealousy, shame, fear, etc.

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    That’s a great headline, but we can’t take the credit for it, because it came from:

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    …in which it was found that, by all available metrics, the popular wisdom of “getting it off your chest” doesn’t necessarily stand up to scrutiny, at least in the short term:

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    And indeed, he and his team did find that various arousal-increasing activities (such as hitting a punchbag, breaking things, doing vigorous exercise) did not help as much as arousal-decreasing activities, such as mindfulness-based relaxation techniques.

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    Caveat!

    Did you notice the small gap between their results and their conclusion?

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    However, if the source of your anger is something chronic and persistent, it could well be that calming down without addressing the actual cause is just “kicking the can down the road”, and will still have to actually be dealt with eventually.

    So, while “here be science”, it’s not a mandate for necessarily suffering in silence. It’s more about being mindful about how we go about tackling our anger.

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    Take care!

    Don’t Forget…

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