Why Everyone You Don’t Like Is A Narcissist

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We’ve written before about how psychiatry tends to name disorders after how they affect other people, rather than how they affect the bearer, and this is most exemplified when it comes to personality disorders. For example:

“You have a deep insecurity about never being good enough, and you constantly mess up in your attempt to overcompensate? You may have Evil Bastard Disorder!”

“You have a crippling fear of abandonment and that you are fundamentally unloveable, so you do all you can to try to keep people close? You must have Manipulative Bitch Disorder!”

See also: Miss Diagnosis: Anxiety, ADHD, & Women

Antisocial Diagnoses

These days, it is easy to find on YouTube countless videos of how to spot a narcissist, with a list of key traits that all mysteriously describe exactly the exes of everyone in the comments.

And these days it is mostly “narcissist”, because “psychopath” and “sociopath” have fallen out of popular favor a bit:

  • perhaps for coming across as overly sensationalized, and thus lacking credibility
  • perhaps because “Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)” exists in the DSM-5 (the US’s latest “Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders”), while psychopathy and sociopathy are not mentioned as existing.

You may be wondering: what do “psychopathy” and “sociopathy” mean?

And the answer is: they mean whatever the speaker wants them to mean. Their definitions and differences/similarities have been vigorously debated by clinicians and lay enthusiasts alike for long enough that the scientific world has pretty much given up on them and moved on.

Stigma vs pathology

Because of the popular media (and social media) representation of NPD, it is easy to armchair diagnose one’s relative/ex/neighbor/in-law/boss/etc as being a narcissist, because the focus is on “narcissists do these bad things that are mean to people”.

If the focus were instead on “narcissists have cripplingly low self-esteem, and are desperate to not show weakness in a world they have learned is harsh and predatory”, then there may not be so many armchair diagnoses—or at the very least, the labels may be attached with a little more compassion, the same way we might with other mental health issues such as depression.

Not that those with depression get an easy time of it socially either—society’s response is generally some manner of “aren’t you better yet, stop being lazy”—but at the very least, depressed people are not typically viewed with hatred.

A quick aside: if you or someone you know is struggling with depression, here are some things that actually help:

The Mental Health First-Aid You’ll Hopefully Never Need

The disorder is not the problem

Maybe your relative, ex, neighbor, etc really is clinically diagnosable as a narcissist. There are still two important things to bear in mind:

  • After centuries of diagnosing people with mental health maladies that we now know don’t exist per se (madness, hysteria, etc), and in recent decades countless revisions to the DSM and similar tomes, thank goodness we now have the final and perfect set of definitions that surely won’t be re-written in the next few years or so ← this is irony; it will absolutely be re-written numerous times yet because of course it’s still not a magically perfect descriptor of the broad spectrum of human nature
  • The disorder is not the problem; the way they treat (or have treated) you is the problem.

For example, let’s take a key thing generally attributed to narcissists: a lack of empathy

Now, empathy can be divided into:

  • affective empathy: the ability to feel what other people are feeling
  • cognitive empathy: the ability to intellectually understand what other people are feeling (akin to sympathy, which is the same but with the requisite of having experienced the thing in question oneself)

A narcissist (as well as various other people without NPD) will typically have negligible affective empathy, and their cognitive empathy may be a little sluggish too.

Sluggish = it may take them a beat longer than most people, to realize what an external signifier of emotions means, or correctly guess how something will be felt by others. This can result in gravely misspeaking (or inappropriately emoting), after failing to adequately quickly “read the room” in terms of what would be a socially appropriate response. To save face, they may then either deny/minimize the thing they just said/did, or double-down on it and go on [what for them feels like] the counterattack.

As to why this shutting off of empathy happens: they have learned that the world is painful, and that people are sources of pain, and so—to avoid further pain—have closed themselves off to that, often at a very early age. This will also apply to themselves; narcissists typically have negligible self-empathy too, which is why they will commonly make self-destructive decisions, even while trying to put themselves first.

Important note on how this impacts other people: the “Golden Rule” of “treat others as you would wish to be treated” becomes intangible, as they have no more knowledge of their own emotional needs than they do of anyone else’s, so cannot make that comparison.

Consider: if instead of being blind to empathy, they were colorblind… You would probably not berate them for buying green apples when you asked for red. They were simply incapable of seeing that, and consequently made a mistake. So it is when it’s a part of the brain that’s not working normally.

So… Since the behavior does adversely affect other people, what can be done about it? Even if “hate them for it and call for their eradication from the face of the Earth” is not a reasonable (or compassionate) option, what is?

Take the bull by the horns

Above all, and despite all appearances, a narcissist’s deepest desire is simply to be accepted as good enough. If you throw them a life-ring in that regard, they will generally take it.

So, communicate (gently, because a perceived attack will trigger defensiveness instead, and possibly a counterattack, neither of which are useful to anyone) what behavior is causing a problem and why, and ask them to do an alternative thing instead.

And, this is important, the alternative thing has to be something they are capable of doing. Not merely something that you feel they should be capable of doing, but that they are actually capable of doing.

  • So not: “be a bit more sensitive!” because that is like asking the colorblind person to “be a bit more observant about colors”; they are simply not capable of it and it is folly to expect it of them, because no matter how hard they try, they can’t.
  • But rather: “it upsets me when you joke about xyz; I know that probably doesn’t make sense to you and that’s ok, it doesn’t have to. I am asking, however, if you will please simply refrain from joking about xyz. Would you do that for me?”

Presented with such, it’s much more likely that the narcissist will drop their previous attempt to be good enough (by joking, because everyone loves someone with a sense of humor, right?) for a new, different attempt to be good enough (by showing “behold, look, I am a good person and doing the thing you asked, of which I am capable”).

That’s just one example, but the same methodology can be applied to most things.

For tricks pertaining to how to communicate such things without causing undue resistance, see:

Seriously Useful Communication Skills

Take care!

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  • The Stress-Proof Brain – by Dr. Melanie Greenberg

    10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.

    The premise of the book is as stated in the subtitle: using mindfulness and neuroplasticity to manage our stress response.

    As such, it’s divided into three parts:

    1. Understanding your stress (and different types of stressors)
    2. Calming your amygdalae (thus, dealing with your stress response while the stressor is stressing you)
    3. Moving forward with your prefrontal cortex (and thus, gradually improving automatic stress responses over time, as we learn new, better responses to do automatically)

    The content ranges from the neurophysiological to “therapist’s couch” stuff; Dr. Greenberg having her PhD in psychology has prepared her to write both of those different-but-touching fields with equal competence. In-line citations are given throughout, for those who want to look up studies.

    The style is direct and informative, with little to no attention given to making it an entertaining read. As a result, it’s information dense (which is good), and/but not necessarily a “couldn’t put it down” page-turner.

    Bottom line: if you’d like to improve your ability to deal with stress, this book is as good as any.

    Click here to check out The Stress-Proof Brain, and stress-proof yours!

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  • Non-Sleep Deep Rest: A Neurobiologist’s Take

    10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.

    How to get many benefits of sleep, while awake!

    Today we’re talking about Dr. Andrew Huberman, a neuroscientist and professor in the department of neurobiology at Stanford School of Medicine.

    He’s also a popular podcaster, and as his Wikipedia page notes:

    ❝In episodes lasting several hours, Huberman talks about the state of research in a specific topic, both within and outside his specialty❞

    Today, we won’t be taking hours, and we will be taking notes from within his field of specialty (neurobiology). Specifically, in this case:

    Non-Sleep Deep Rest (NSDR)

    What is it? To quote from his own dedicated site on the topic:

    What is NSDR (Yoga Nidra)? Non-Sleep Deep Rest, also known as NSDR, is a method of deep relaxation developed by Dr. Andrew Huberman, a neuroscientist at Stanford University School of Medicine.

    It’s a process that combines controlled breathing and detailed body scanning to bring you into a state of heightened awareness and profound relaxation. The main purpose of NSDR is to reduce stress, enhance focus, and improve overall well-being.❞

    While it seems a bit bold of Dr. Huberman to claim that he developed yoga nidra, it is nevertheless reassuring to get a neurobiologist’s view on this:

    How it works, by science

    Dr. Huberman says that by monitoring EEG readings during NSDR, we can see how the brain slows down. Measurably!

    • It goes from an active beta range of 13–30 Hz (normal waking) to a conscious meditation state of an alpha range of 8–13 Hz.
    • However, with practice, it can drop further, into a theta range of 4–8 Hz.
    • Ultimately, sustained SSDR practice can get us to 0.5–3 Hz.

    This means that the brain is functioning in the delta range, something that typically only occurs during our deepest sleep.

    You may be wondering: why is delta lower than theta? That’s not how I remember the Greek alphabet being ordered!

    Indeed, while the Greek alphabet goes alpha beta gamma delta epsilon zeta eta theta (and so on), the brainwave frequency bands are:

    • Gamma = concentrated focus, >30 Hz
    • Beta = normal waking, 13–30 Hz
    • Alpha = relaxed state, 8–13 Hz
    • Theta = light sleep, 4–8 Hz
    • Delta = deep sleep, 1–4 Hz

    Source: Sleep Foundationwith a nice infographic there too

    NSDR uses somatic cues to engage our parasympathetic nervous system, which in turn enables us to reach those states. The steps are simple:

    1. Pick a time and place when you won’t be disturbed
    2. Lie on your back and make yourself comfortable
    3. Close your eyes as soon as you wish, and now that you’ve closed them, imagine closing them again. And again.
    4. Slowly bring your attention to each part of your body in turn, from head to toe. As your attention goes to each part, allow it to relax more.
    5. If you wish, you can repeat this process for another wave, or even a third.
    6. Find yourself well-rested!

    Note: this engagement of the parasympathetic nervous system and slowing down of brain activity accesses restorative states not normally available while waking, but 10 minutes of NSDR will not replace 7–9 hours of sleep; nor will it give you the vital benefits of REM sleep specifically.

    So: it’s an adjunct, not a replacement

    Want to try it, but not sure where/how to start?

    When you’re ready, let Dr. Huberman himself guide you through it in this shortish (10:49) soundtrack:

    Click Here If The Embedded Video Doesn’t Load Automatically!

    Want to try it, but not right now? Bookmark it for later

    Take care!

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  • Celery vs Lettuce – Which is Healthier?

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    Our Verdict

    When comparing celery to lettuce, we picked the lettuce.

    Why?

    Let us consider the macros first: lettuce has 2x the protein, but of course the numbers are tiny and probably nobody is eating this for the protein. Both of these salad items are roughly comparable in terms of carbs and fiber, being both mostly water with just enough other stuff to hold their shape. Nominally this section is a slight win for lettuce on account of the protein, but in realistic practical terms, it’s a tie.

    In terms of vitamins, celery has more of vitamins B5 and E, while lettuce has more of vitamins A, B1, B2, B3, B6, B7, B9, C, K, and choline. An easy win for lettuce here.

    In the category of minerals, celery has more calcium, copper, and potassium, while lettuce has more iron, magnesium, manganese, phosphorus, potassium, selenium, and zinc. So, a fair win for lettuce.

    Adding up the sections makes for an overall win for lettuce; of course, enjoy both, though!

    Want to learn more?

    You might like to read:

    Why You’re Probably Not Getting Enough Fiber (And How To Fix It)

    Take care!

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  • Afterwork – by Joel Malick and Alex Lippert

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    Regular 10almonds readers may remember that one of the key unifying factors of Blue Zones supercentenarians is the importance of having purpose, sometimes called ikigai (borrowing the Japanese term, as a nod to the Okinawan Blue Zone).

    The authors are financial advisors by profession, but don’t let that fool you; this book is not about retirement financial planning, but rather, simply addressing a problem that was often presented to them while helping people plan their retirements:

    A lot of people find themselves adrift without purpose at several points in life. Often, these are: 1) early twenties, 2) some point in the midlife, and/or 3) retirement. This book addresses the third of those life points.

    The authors advise cultivating 10 key disciplines; we’ll not keep them a mystery; they are:

    1. Purpose
    2. Calendar
    3. Movement
    4. Journaling
    5. Faith
    6. Connection
    7. Learning
    8. Awareness
    9. Generosity
    10. Awe

    …which each get a chapter in this book.

    A note on the chapter about faith: the authors are Christians, and that does influence their perspective here, but if Christianity’s not your thing, then don’t worry: the rest also stands on its own feet without that.

    The general “flavor” of the book overall is in essence, embracing a new period of enjoying what is in effect the strongest, most potentially impactful version of you you’ve ever been, as well as avoiding the traps of retirement “sugar rush” and “retirement drift”, to define, well, a more purposeful life—with what’s most meaningful to you.

    The style of the book is self-help in layout, with occasional diagrams, flowcharts, and the like; sometimes we see well-sourced stats, but there’s no hard science here. In short, a simple and practical book.

    Bottom line: if your retirement isn’t looking like what you imagined it to be, and/or you think it could be more fulfilling, then this book can help you find, claim, and live your ikigai.

    Click here to check out Afterwork, and indeed live a future that’s worthy of dreams!

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  • Dopamine Nation – by Dr. Anna Lembke

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    We live in an age of abundance, though it often doesn’t feel like it. Some of that is due to artificial scarcity, but a lot of it is due to effectively whiting out our dopamine circuitry through chronic overuse.

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  • What’s the difference between a food allergy and an intolerance?

    10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.

    At one time or another, you’ve probably come across someone who is lactose intolerant and might experience some unpleasant gut symptoms if they have dairy. Maybe it’s you – food intolerances are estimated to affect up to 25% of Australians.

    Meanwhile, cow’s milk allergy is one of the most common food allergies in infants and young children, affecting around one in 100 infants.

    But what’s the difference between food allergies and food intolerances? While they might seem alike, there are some fundamental differences between the two.

    Feel good studio/Shutterstock

    What is an allergy?

    Australia has one of the highest rates of food allergies in the world. Food allergies can develop at any age but are more common in children, affecting more than 10% of one-year-olds and 6% of children at age ten.

    A food allergy happens when the body’s immune system mistakenly reacts to certain foods as if they were dangerous. The most common foods that trigger allergies include eggs, peanuts and other nuts, milk, shellfish, fish, soy and wheat.

    Mild to moderate signs of food allergy include a swollen face, lips or eyes; hives or welts on your skin; or vomiting. A severe allergic reaction (called anaphylaxis) can cause trouble breathing, persistent dizziness or collapse.

    What is an intolerance?

    Food intolerances (sometimes called non-allergic reactions) are also reactions to food, but they don’t involve your immune system.

    For example, lactose intolerance is a metabolic condition that happens when the body doesn’t produce enough lactase. This enzyme is needed to break down the lactose (a type of sugar) in dairy products.

    Food intolerances can also include reactions to natural chemicals in foods (such as salicylates, found in some fruits, vegetables, herbs and spices) and problems with artificial preservatives or flavour enhancers.

    A woman holding half a glass of milk in one hand, with her other hand over her stomach.
    Lactose intolerance is caused by a problem with breaking down lactose in milk. Pormezz/Shutterstock

    Symptoms of food intolerances can include an upset stomach, headaches and fatigue, among others.

    Food intolerances don’t cause life-threatening reactions (anaphylaxis) so are less dangerous than allergies in the short term, although they can cause problems in the longer term such as malnutrition.

    We don’t know a lot about how common food intolerances are, but they appear to be more commonly reported than allergies. They can develop at any age.

    It can be confusing

    Some foods, such as peanuts and tree nuts, are more often associated with allergy. Other foods or ingredients, such as caffeine, are more often associated with intolerance.

    Meanwhile, certain foods, such as cow’s milk and wheat or gluten (a protein found in wheat, rye and barley), can cause both allergic and non-allergic reactions in different people. But these reactions, even when they’re caused by the same foods, are quite different.

    For example, children with a cow’s milk allergy can react to very small amounts of milk, and serious reactions (such as throat swelling or difficulty breathing) can happen within minutes. Conversely, many people with lactose intolerance can tolerate small amounts of lactose without symptoms.

    There are other differences too. Cow’s milk allergy is more common in children, though many infants will grow out of this allergy during childhood.

    Lactose intolerance is more common in adults, but can also sometimes be temporary. One type of lactose intolerance, secondary lactase deficiency, can be caused by damage to the gut after infection or with medication use (such as antibiotics or cancer treatment). This can go away by itself when the underlying condition resolves or the person stops using the relevant medication.

    Whether an allergy or intolerance is likely to be lifelong depends on the food and the reason that the child or adult is reacting to it.

    Allergies to some foods, such as milk, egg, wheat and soy, often resolve during childhood, whereas allergies to nuts, fish or shellfish, often (but not always) persist into adulthood. We don’t know much about how likely children are to grow out of different types of food intolerances.

    How do you find out what’s wrong?

    If you think you may have a food allergy or intolerance, see a doctor.

    Allergy tests help doctors find out which foods might be causing your allergic reactions (but can’t diagnose food intolerances). There are two common types: skin prick tests and blood tests.

    In a skin prick test, doctors put tiny amounts of allergens (the things that can cause allergies) on your skin and make small pricks to see if your body reacts.

    A blood test checks for allergen-specific immunoglobulin E (IgE) antibodies in your blood that show if you might be allergic to a particular food.

    A female nurse gives a woman a blood test.
    Blood tests can help diagnose allergies. RossHelen/Shutterstock

    Food intolerances can be tricky to figure out because the symptoms depend on what foods you eat and how much. To diagnose them, doctors look at your health history, and may do some tests (such as a breath test). They may ask you to keep a record of foods you eat and timing of symptoms.

    A temporary elimination diet, where you stop eating certain foods, can also help to work out which foods you might be intolerant to. But this should only be done with the help of a doctor or dietitian, because eliminating particular foods can lead to nutritional deficiencies, especially in children.

    Is there a cure?

    There’s currently no cure for food allergies or intolerances. For allergies in particular, it’s important to strictly avoid allergens. This means reading food labels carefully and being vigilant when eating out.

    However, researchers are studying a treatment called oral immunotherapy, which may help some people with food allergies become less sensitive to certain foods.

    Whether you have a food allergy or intolerance, your doctor or dietitian can help you to make sure you’re eating the right foods.

    Victoria Gibson, a Higher Degree by Research student and Research Officer at the School of Nursing, Midwifery and Social Work at the University of Queensland, and Rani Scott-Farmer, a Senior Research Assistant at the University of Queensland, contributed to this article.

    Jennifer Koplin, Group Leader, Childhood Allergy & Epidemiology, The University of Queensland and Desalegn Markos Shifti, Postdoctoral Research Fellow, Child Health Research Centre, Faculty of Medicine, The University of Queensland

    This article is republished from The Conversation under a Creative Commons license. Read the original article.

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