Managing Sibling Relationships In Adult Life
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Managing Sibling Relationships In Adult Life
After our previous main feature on estrangement, a subscriber wrote to say:
❝Parent and adult child relationships are so important to maintain as you age, but what about sibling relationships? Adult choices to accept and move on with healthier boundaries is also key for maintaining familial ties.❞
And, this is indeed critical for many of us, if we have siblings!
Writer’s note: I don’t have siblings, but I do happen to have one of Canada’s top psychologists on speed-dial, and she has more knowledge about sibling relationships than I do, not to mention a lifetime of experience both personally and professionally. So, I sought her advice, and she gave me a lot to work with.
Today I bring her ideas, distilled into my writing, for 10almonds’ signature super-digestible bitesize style.
A foundation of support
Starting at the beginning of a sibling story… Sibling relationships are generally beneficial from the get-go.
This is for reasons of mutual support, and an “always there” social presence.
Of course, how positive this experience is may depend on there being a lack of parental favoritism. And certainly, sibling rivalries and conflict can occur at any age, but the stakes are usually lower, early in life.
Growing warmer or colder
Generally speaking, as people age, sibling relationships likely get warmer and less conflictual.
Why? Simply put, we mature and (hopefully!) get more emotionally stable as we go.
However, two things can throw a wrench into the works:
- Long-term rivalries or jealousies (e.g., “who has done better in life”)
- Perceptions of unequal contribution to the family
These can take various forms, but for example if one sibling earns (or otherwise has) much more or much less than another, that can cause resentment on either or both sides:
- Resentment from the side of the sibling with less money: “I’d look after them if our situations were reversed; they can solve my problems easily; why do they resent that and/or ignore my plight?”
- Resentment from the side of the sibling with more money: “I shouldn’t be having to look after my sibling at this age”
It’s ugly and unpleasant. Same goes if the general job of caring for an elderly parent (or parents) falls mostly or entirely on one sibling. This can happen because of being geographically closer or having more time (well… having had more time. Now they don’t, it’s being used for care!).
It can also happen because of being female—daughters are more commonly expected to provide familial support than sons.
And of course, that only gets exacerbated as end-of-life decisions become relevant with regard to parents, and tough decisions may need to be made. And, that’s before looking at conflicts around inheritance.
So, all that seems quite bleak, but it doesn’t have to be like that.
Practical advice
As siblings age, working on communication about feelings is key to keeping siblings close and not devolving into conflict.
Those problems we talked about are far from unique to any set of siblings—they’re just more visible when it’s our own family, that’s all.
So: nothing to be ashamed of, or feel bad about. Just, something to manage—together.
Figure out what everyone involved wants/needs, put them all on the table, and figure out how to:
- Make sure outright needs are met first
- Try to address wants next, where possible
Remember, that if you feel more is being asked of you than you can give (in terms of time, energy, money, whatever), then this discussion is a time to bring that up, and ask for support, e.g.:
“In order to be able to do that, I would need… [description of support]; can you help with that?”
(it might even sometimes be necessary to simply say “No, I can’t do that. Let’s look to see how else we can deal with this” and look for other solutions, brainstorming together)
Some back-and-forth open discussion and even negotiation might be necessary, but it’s so much better than seething quietly from a distance.
The goal here is an outcome where everyone’s needs are met—thus leveraging the biggest strength of having siblings in the first place:
Mutual support, while still being one’s own person. Or, as this writer’s psychology professor friend put it:
❝Circling back to your original intention, this whole discussion adds up to: siblings can be very good or very bad for your life, depending on tons of things that we talked about, especially communication skills, emotional wellness of each person, and the complexity of challenges they face interdependently.❞
Our previous main feature about good communication can help a lot:
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Can Ginkgo Tea Be Made Safe? (And Other Questions)
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It’s Q&A Day at 10almonds!
Have a question or a request? You can always hit “reply” to any of our emails, or use the feedback widget at the bottom!
In cases where we’ve already covered something, we might link to what we wrote before, but will always be happy to revisit any of our topics again in the future too—there’s always more to say!
As ever: if the question/request can be answered briefly, we’ll do it here in our Q&A Thursday edition. If not, we’ll make a main feature of it shortly afterwards!
So, no question/request too big or small
❝I’d be interested in OTC prostrate medication safety and effectiveness.❞
Great idea! Sounds like a topic for a main feature one day soon, but while you’re waiting, you might like this previous main feature we did, about a supplement that performs equally to some prescription BPH meds:
❝Was very interested in the article on ginko bilboa as i moved into a home that has the tree growing in the backyard. Is there any way i can process the leaves to make a tea out of it.❞
Glad you enjoyed! First, for any who missed it, here was the article on Ginkgo biloba:
Ginkgo Biloba, For Memory And, Uh, What Else Again?
Now, as that article noted, Ginkgo biloba seeds and leaves are poisonous. However, there are differences:
The seeds, raw or roasted, contain dangerous levels of a variety of toxins, though roasting takes away some toxins and other methods of processing (boiling etc) take away more. However, the general consensus on the seeds is “do not consume; it will poison your liver, poison your kidneys, and possibly give you cancer”:
Ginkgo biloba L. seed; A comprehensive review of bioactives, toxicants, and processing effects
The leaves, meanwhile, are much less poisonous with their ginkgolic acids, and their other relevant poison is very closely related to that of poison ivy, involving long-chain alkylphenols that can be broken down by thermolysis, in other words, heat:
However, this very thorough examination of the potential health benefits and risks of ginkgo tea, comes to the general conclusion “this is not a good idea, and is especially worrying in elders, and/or if taking various medications”:
In summary:
- Be careful
- Avoid completely if you have a stronger-than-usual reaction to poison ivy
- If you do make tea from it, green leaves appear to be safer than yellow ones
- If you do make tea from it, boil and stew to excess to minimize toxins
- If you do make tea from it, doing a poison test is sensible (i.e. start with checking for a skin reaction to a topical application on the inside of the wrist, then repeat at least 6 hours later on the lips, then at least 6 hours later do a mouth swill, then at least 12 hours later drink a small amount, etc, and gradually build up to “this is safe to consume”)
For safety (and legal) purposes, let us be absolutely clear that we are not advising you that it is safe to consume a known poisonous plant, and nor are we advising you to do so.
But the hopefully only-ever theoretical knowledge of how to do a poison test is a good life skill, just in case
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Stop Using The Wrong Hairbrush For Your Hair Type
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When you brush your hair, you’re either making it healthier or damaging it, depending on what you’re using and how. To avoid pulling your hair out, and to enjoy healthy hair of whatever kind you have and whatever length suits you, it pays to know a little about different brushes, and the different techniques involved.
Head-to-head
Brush shapes and sizes are designed to achieve different effects in hair, not just for decoration. For example:
- Rat tail combs are excellent for parting and sectioning hair with clean lines. The rat tail part is actually more important than the comb part.
- Regular combs are multipurpose but best for use with flat irons, ensuring straighter hair for a longer time.
- Wide-tooth combs should not be used for detangling as they can cause breakage; instead, use a proper detangling brush. Speaking of detangling…
- Detangling brushes are essential for daily use. Whichever you use, start brushing from the bottom to prevent tangles from stacking and worsening. As for kinds of detangling brush:
- The “Tangle Teaser” is a good beginner option, but it may not detangle well for thicker hair.
- Wet Brush (this is a brand name, and is not about any inherent wetness) is the recommended detangling brush for most people. It can be used on wet or dry hair.
- Mason Pearson brush is a luxury detangling brush (see it here on Amazon) that works slightly more quickly and efficiently, but is expensive and not necessary for most people.
- Teasing brushes are for adding volume by backcombing—but require skill to prevent visible tangles. Best avoided for most people.
- Ceramic round brushes are the best for blow-drying, because they hold tension and help hair dry smoother and shinier.
- Blow-dryer brushes are great for easy blow-drying but should not be used on dry hair, to avoid damage.
- Denman brushes are for people with natural curls, enhancing curls without straightening them like a Wet brush would.
For more on all of these brushes, plus visual demonstrations, enjoy:
Click Here If The Embedded Video Doesn’t Load Automatically!
Want to learn more?
You might also like to read:
Take care!
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The Dangers Of Fires, Floods, & Having Your Hair Washed
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It’s a dangerous business, going out of your door… And this week’s news round-up looks at 5 reasons why that might be:
Superspreading like wildfire
Environmental health risks are a big topic these days, with our changing climate. As for wildfires? Some of the risks are obvious: burning to death or choking to death in the smoke—but even upon surviving the seemingly worst, more threats remain that themselves can still kill.
Those threats include that both burns and smoke inhalation can cause acute and chronic changes in the immune system. Specifically: changes for the worse. The mechanisms by which this happens depend on the nature of any burns received, and in the case of smoke, what exactly was in the smoke. Now, there is no kind of smoke that is healthy to inhale, but definitely some kinds are a lot worse than others, and let’s just say, people’s homes contain a lot of plastic.
Additionally, if you think someone coughing near you spreads germs, imagine how far germs can be spread by miles-high, miles-wide billowing hot air.
In short, there’s a lot going on and none of it is good, and we’ve barely had room to summarise here, so…
Read in full: Wildfires ignite infection risks by weakening the body’s immune defenses and spreading bugs in smoke
Related: What’s Lurking In Your Household Air?
A flood of diseases
*record scratch*
Environmental health risks are a big topic these days, with our changing climate. As for floods? Some of the risks are obvious: drowning to death or having your house washed away—but even upon surviving the seemingly worst, more threats remain that themselves can still kill.
Those threats include increases in deaths from infectious and parasitic diseases, and respiratory diseases in general. Simply, a place that has been waterlogged, even if it seems “safe” now, is not a healthy place to be, due to bacteria, viruses, fungi, and more. In fact, it even increases all-cause mortality, because being healthy in such a place is simply harder:
Read in full: Linked to higher mortality rates, large floods emerge as an urgent public health concern
Related: Dodging Dengue In The US
Don’t lose your head
Visiting the hairdresser is not something that most people consider a potential brush with death—your hairdresser is probably not Sweeney Todd, after all. However…
There is an issue specifically with getting your hair washed there. Backwash basins—the sink things into which one rests one’s head at a backwards tilt—create an awkward angle for the cervical vertebrae and a sudden reduction in blood flow to the brain can cause a stroke, with the risk being sufficiently notable as to have its own name in scientific literature: beauty parlor stroke syndrome (BPSS).
❝While research suggests BPSS is most likely to occur in women over 50—and previous history of narrowing or thinning of blood vessels and arthritis of the spinal column in the neck are particular risk factors—it could happen to anyone regardless of age or medical history.❞
Read in full: The hidden health risk of having your hair washed
Related: Your Stroke Survival Plan
The smartwatch wristbands that give you cancer
It’s about the PFAS content. The article doesn’t discuss cancer in detail, just mentioning the increased risk, but you can read about the link between the two in our article below.
Basically, if your smartwatch wristband is a) not silicone and b) waterproof anyway, especially if it’s stain-resistant (as most are designed to be, what with wearing it next to one’s skin all the time while exercising, and not being the sort of thing one throws in the wash), then chances are it has PFAS levels much higher than normally found in consumer goods or clothing.
You can read more about how to identify the risks, here:
Read in full: Smartwatch bands can contain high levels of toxic PFAS, study finds
Related: PFAS Exposure & Cancer: The Numbers Are High
The cows giving milk with a little extra
Bird flu (HPAI) is now not the only flu epidemic amongst cattle in the US, and not only that, but rather than “merely” colonizing the lungs and upper respiratory tracts, in this case the virus (IAV) is thriving in the mammary glands, meaning that yes, it gets dispensed into the milk, and so far scientists are simply scrambling to find better ways to vaccinate the cattle, in the hopes that the milk will not be so risky because yes, it is currently a “reservoir and transmission vector” for the virus.
There are, however, barriers to creating those vaccines:
Read in full: Unexpected viral reservoir: influenza A thrives in cattle mammary glands
Related: Cows’ Milk, Bird Flu, & You
Take care!
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Holy Basil: What Does (And Doesn’t) It Do?
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First, a quick clarification:
- Ocimum sanctum is the botanical name given to what in English we call holy basil, and is what we will be discussing today. It’s also called “tulsi“, so if you see that name around, it is the same plant.
- Ocimum basilicum is the botanical name given to culinary basil, the kind you will find in your local supermarket. This one looks similar, but it has a different taste (culinary basil is sweeter) and a different phytochemical profile, and is certainly not the same plant.
We have touched on holy basil before, in our article:
Herbs For Evidence-Based Health & Healing
…where we listed that it helps boost immunity, per:
It’s popularly also consumed in the hopes of getting many other benefits, including:
- Calming effects on the mood (anti-stress)
- Accelerated wound-healing
- Anticancer activity
So, does it actually do those things?
Against stress
We literally couldn’t find anything. It’s often listed as being adaptogenic (reduces stress) in the preamble part of a given paper’s abstract, but we could find no study in any reputable journal that actually tested its effects against stress, and any citations for the claim just link to other papers that also include it in the preamble—and while “no original research” is a fine policy for, say, Wikipedia, it’s not a great policy when it comes to actual research science.
So… It might! There’s also no research (that we could find) showing that it doesn’t work. But one cannot claim something works on the basis of “we haven’t proved it doesn’t”.
For wound healing
Possibly! We found one (1) paper with a small (n=29) sample, and the results were promising, but that sample size of 29 was divided between three groups: a placebo control, holy basil, and another herb (which latter worked less well). So the resultant groups were tiny, arguably to the point of statistical insignificance. However, taking the study at face value and ignoring the small sample size, the results were very promising, as the holy basil group enjoyed a recovery in 4 weeks, rather than the 5 weeks recovery time of the control group:
Herbal remedies for mandibular fracture healing
An extra limitation that’s worth noting, though, is that healing bone is not necessarily the same as healing other injuries in all ways, so the same results might not be replicated in, say, organ or tissue injuries.
Against cancer
This time, there’s lots of evidence! Its mechanism of action appears to be severalfold:
- Anti-inflammatory
- Antioxidant
- Antitumor
- Chemopreventive
Because of the abundance of evidence (including specifically against skin cancer, lung cancer, breast cancer, and more), we could list studies all day here, but instead we’ll just link this one really good research review that has a handy navigation menu on the right, where you can see how it works in each of the stated ways.
Here’s the paper:
An Update on the Therapeutic Anticancer Potential of Ocimum sanctum L.: “Elixir of Life”
Want to try some?
We don’t sell it, but here for your convenience is an example product on Amazon 😎
Enjoy!
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Which gut drugs might end up in a lawsuit? Are there really links with cancer and kidney disease? Should I stop taking them?
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Common medicines used to treat conditions including heartburn, reflux, indigestion and stomach ulcers may be the subject of a class action lawsuit in Australia.
Lawyers are exploring whether long-term use of these over-the-counter and prescription drugs are linked to stomach cancer or kidney disease.
The potential class action follows the settlement of a related multi-million dollar lawsuit in the United States. Last year, international pharmaceutical company AstraZeneca settled for US$425 million (A$637 million) after patients made the case that two of its drugs caused significant and potentially life-threatening side effects.
Specifically, patients claimed the company’s drugs Nexium (esomeprazole) and Prilosec (omeprazole) increased the risk of kidney damage.
Doucefleur/Shutterstock Which drugs are involved in Australia?
The class of drugs we’re talking about are “proton pump inhibitors” (sometimes called PPIs). In the case of the Australian potential class action, lawyers are investigating:
- Nexium (esomeprazole)
- Losec, Asimax (omeprazole)
- Somac (pantoprazole)
- Pariet (rabeprazole)
- Zoton (lansoprazole).
Depending on their strength and quantity, these medicines are available over-the-counter in pharmacies or by prescription.
They have been available in Australia for more than 20 years and are in the top ten medicines dispensed through the Pharmaceutical Benefits Scheme.
They are used to treat conditions exacerbated by stomach acid. These include heartburn, gastric reflux and indigestion. They work by blocking the protein responsible for pumping acid into the stomach.
These drugs are also prescribed with antibiotics to treat the bacterium Helicobacter pylori, which causes stomach ulcers and stomach cancer.
This class of drugs is also used with antibiotics to treat Helicobacter pylori infections. nobeastsofierce/Shutterstock What do we know about the risks?
Appropriate use of proton pump inhibitors plays an important role in treating several serious digestive problems. Like all medicines, there are risks associated with their use depending on how much and how long they are used.
When proton pump inhibitors are used appropriately for the short-term treatment of stomach problems, they are generally well tolerated, safe and effective.
Their risks are mostly associated with long-term use (using them for more than a year) due to the negative effects from having reduced levels of stomach acid. In elderly people, these include an increased risk of gut and respiratory tract infections, nutrient deficiencies and fractures. Long-term use of these drugs in elderly people has also been associated with an increased risk of dementia.
In children, there is an increased risk of serious infection associated with using these drugs, regardless of how long they are used.
How about the cancer and kidney risk?
Currently, the Australian consumer medicine information sheets that come with the medicines, like this one for esomeprazole, do not list stomach cancer or kidney injury as a risk associated with using proton pump inhibitors.
So what does the evidence say about the risk?
Over the past few years, there have been large studies based on observing people in the general population who have used proton pump inhibitors. These studies have found people who take them are almost two times more likely to develop stomach cancer and 1.7 times more likely to develop chronic kidney disease when compared with people who are not taking them.
In particular, these studies report that users of the drugs lansoprazole and pantoprazole have about a three to four times higher risk than non-users of developing chronic kidney disease.
While these observational studies show a link between using the drugs and these outcomes, we cannot say from this evidence that one causes the other.
Researchers have not yet shown these drugs cause kidney disease. crystal light/Shutterstock What can I do if I’m worried?
Several digestive conditions, especially reflux and heartburn, may benefit from simple dietary and lifestyle changes. But the overall evidence for these is not strong and how well they work varies between individuals.
But it may help to avoid large meals within two to three hours before bed, and reduce your intake of fatty food, alcohol and coffee. Eating slowly and getting your weight down if you are overweight may also help your symptoms.
There are also medications other than proton pump inhibitors that can be used for heartburn, reflux and stomach ulcers.
These include over-the-counter antacids (such as Gaviscon and Mylanta), which work by neutralising the acidic environment of the stomach.
Alternatives for prescription drugs include nizatidine and famotidine. These work by blocking histamine receptors in the stomach, which decreases stomach acid production.
If you are concerned about your use of proton pump inhibitors it is important to speak with your doctor or pharmacist before you stop using them. That’s because when you have been using them for a while, stopping them may result in increased or “rebound” acid production.
Nial Wheate, Professor and Director – Academic Excellence, Macquarie University; Joanna Harnett, Senior Lecturer – Sydney Pharmacy School, Faculty of Medicine and Health, University of Sydney, and Wai-Jo Jocelin Chan, Pharmacist and Associate Lecturer, University of Sydney
This article is republished from The Conversation under a Creative Commons license. Read the original article.
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Aging Well: Exercise, Diet, Relationships
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Questions and Answers at 10almonds
Have a question or a request? You can always hit “reply” to any of our emails, or use the feedback widget at the bottom!
This newsletter has been growing a lot lately, and so have the questions/requests, and we love that! In cases where we’ve already covered something, we might link to what we wrote before, but will always be happy to revisit any of our topics again in the future too—there’s always more to say!
As ever: if the question/request can be answered briefly, we’ll do it here in our Q&A Thursday edition. If not, we’ll make a main feature of it shortly afterwards!
So, no question/request too big or small
I am interested in the following: Aging, Exercise, Diet, Relationships, Purpose, Lowering Stress
You’re going to love our Psychology Sunday editions of 10almonds!
You may particularly like some of these:
- Seriously Useful Communication Skills! ← this is about relationship stuff
- Lower Your Cortisol! (Here’s Why & How) ← about “the stress hormone”
- How To Set Your Anxiety Aside ← these methods work for stress too
(This coming Psychology Sunday will have a feature specifically on stress, so do make sure to read that when it comes out!)
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