Managing Sibling Relationships In Adult Life

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Managing Sibling Relationships In Adult Life

After our previous main feature on estrangement, a subscriber wrote to say:

❝Parent and adult child relationships are so important to maintain as you age, but what about sibling relationships? Adult choices to accept and move on with healthier boundaries is also key for maintaining familial ties.❞

And, this is indeed critical for many of us, if we have siblings!

Writer’s note: I don’t have siblings, but I do happen to have one of Canada’s top psychologists on speed-dial, and she has more knowledge about sibling relationships than I do, not to mention a lifetime of experience both personally and professionally. So, I sought her advice, and she gave me a lot to work with.

Today I bring her ideas, distilled into my writing, for 10almonds’ signature super-digestible bitesize style.

A foundation of support

Starting at the beginning of a sibling story… Sibling relationships are generally beneficial from the get-go.

This is for reasons of mutual support, and an “always there” social presence.

Of course, how positive this experience is may depend on there being a lack of parental favoritism. And certainly, sibling rivalries and conflict can occur at any age, but the stakes are usually lower, early in life.

Growing warmer or colder

Generally speaking, as people age, sibling relationships likely get warmer and less conflictual.

Why? Simply put, we mature and (hopefully!) get more emotionally stable as we go.

However, two things can throw a wrench into the works:

  1. Long-term rivalries or jealousies (e.g., “who has done better in life”)
  2. Perceptions of unequal contribution to the family

These can take various forms, but for example if one sibling earns (or otherwise has) much more or much less than another, that can cause resentment on either or both sides:

  • Resentment from the side of the sibling with less money: “I’d look after them if our situations were reversed; they can solve my problems easily; why do they resent that and/or ignore my plight?”
  • Resentment from the side of the sibling with more money: “I shouldn’t be having to look after my sibling at this age”

It’s ugly and unpleasant. Same goes if the general job of caring for an elderly parent (or parents) falls mostly or entirely on one sibling. This can happen because of being geographically closer or having more time (well… having had more time. Now they don’t, it’s being used for care!).

It can also happen because of being female—daughters are more commonly expected to provide familial support than sons.

And of course, that only gets exacerbated as end-of-life decisions become relevant with regard to parents, and tough decisions may need to be made. And, that’s before looking at conflicts around inheritance.

So, all that seems quite bleak, but it doesn’t have to be like that.

Practical advice

As siblings age, working on communication about feelings is key to keeping siblings close and not devolving into conflict.

Those problems we talked about are far from unique to any set of siblings—they’re just more visible when it’s our own family, that’s all.

So: nothing to be ashamed of, or feel bad about. Just, something to manage—together.

Figure out what everyone involved wants/needs, put them all on the table, and figure out how to:

  • Make sure outright needs are met first
  • Try to address wants next, where possible

Remember, that if you feel more is being asked of you than you can give (in terms of time, energy, money, whatever), then this discussion is a time to bring that up, and ask for support, e.g.:

“In order to be able to do that, I would need… [description of support]; can you help with that?”

(it might even sometimes be necessary to simply say “No, I can’t do that. Let’s look to see how else we can deal with this” and look for other solutions, brainstorming together)

Some back-and-forth open discussion and even negotiation might be necessary, but it’s so much better than seething quietly from a distance.

The goal here is an outcome where everyone’s needs are met—thus leveraging the biggest strength of having siblings in the first place:

Mutual support, while still being one’s own person. Or, as this writer’s psychology professor friend put it:

❝Circling back to your original intention, this whole discussion adds up to: siblings can be very good or very bad for your life, depending on tons of things that we talked about, especially communication skills, emotional wellness of each person, and the complexity of challenges they face interdependently.❞

Our previous main feature about good communication can help a lot:

Save Time With Better Communication

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  • How To Avoid UTIs

    10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.

    Psst… A Word To The Wise

    Urinary Tract Infections (UTIs) can strike at any age, but they get a lot more common as we get older:

    • About 10% of women over 65 have had one
    • About 30% of women over 85 have had one

    Source: Urinary tract infection in older adults

    Note: those figures are almost certainly very underreported, so the real figures are doubtlessly higher. However, we print them here as they’re still indicative of a disproportionate increase in risk over time.

    What about men?

    Men do get UTIs too, but at a much lower rate. The difference in average urethra length means that women are typically 30x more likely to get a UTI.

    However! If a man does get one, then assuming the average longer urethra, it will likely take much more treatment to fix:

    Case study: 26-Year-Old Man With Recurrent Urinary Tract Infections

    Risk factors you might want to know about

    While you may not be able to do much about your age or the length of your urethra, there are some risk factors that can be more useful to know:

    Catheterization

    You might logically think that having a catheter would be the equivalent of having a really long urethra, thus keeping you safe, but unfortunately, the opposite is true:

    Read more: Review of Catheter-Associated Urinary Tract Infections

    Untreated menopause

    Low estrogen levels can cause vaginal tissue to dry, making it easier for pathogens to grow.

    For more information on menopausal HRT, see:

    What You Should Have Been Told About Menopause Beforehand

    Sexual activity

    Most kinds of sexual activity carry a risk of bringing germs very close to the urethra. Without wishing to be too indelicate: anything that’s going there should be clean, so it’s a case for washing your hands/partner(s)/toys etc.

    For the latter, beyond soap and water, you might also consider investing in a UV sanitizer box ← This example has a 9” capacity; if you shop around though, be sure to check the size is sufficient!

    Kidney stones and other kidney diseases

    Anything that impedes the flow of urine can raise the risk of a UTI.

    See also: Keeping Your Kidneys Healthy (Especially After 60)

    Diabetes

    How much you can control this one will obviously depend on which type of diabetes you have, but diabetes of any type is an immunocompromizing condition. If you can, managing it as well as possible will help many aspects of your health, including this one.

    More on that:

    How To Prevent And Reverse Type 2 Diabetes

    Note: In the case of Type 1 Diabetes, the above advice will (alas) not help you to prevent or reverse it. However, reducing/avoiding insulin resistance is even more important in cases of T1D (because if your exogenous insulin stops working, you die), so the advice is good all the same.

    How do I know if I have a UTI?

    Routine screening isn’t really a thing, since the symptoms are usually quite self-evident. If it hurts/burns when you pee, the most likely reason is a UTI.

    Get it checked out; the test is a (non-invasive) urinalysis test. In other words, you’ll give a urine sample and they’ll test that.

    Anything else I can do to avoid it?

    Yes! We wrote previously about the benefits of cranberry supplementation, which was found even to rival antibiotics:

    ❝…recommend cranberry ingestion to decrease the incidence of urinary tract infections, particularly in individuals with recurrent urinary tract infections. This would also reduce the [need for] administration of antibiotics❞

    ~ Luís et al. (2017)

    Read more: Health Benefits Of Cranberries

    Take care!

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  • Wasting Your Vitamins?

    10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.

    Are you flushing away your vitamins?

    Most likely…but you don’t have to.

    We all know what a wasteful expense supplements can sometimes be, but you can optimise your intake to get more bang for your buck!

    Top Tips for Getting Your Money’s Worth:

    1. Liquids are better than tablets—the body can’t absorb nutrients from tablets anywhere as easily as it can from liquids, with some saying as low as a 50% absorption rate for tablets, so if your supplement can come in drinkable form, take it that way!
    2. Capsules are better than tablets—capsules, depending on the kind, contain either a powder (true capsules) or a liquid (softgels). Once the capsule/softgel is broken down in the stomach, it releases its contents, which will now be absorbed as though you took it as a drink.
    3. Stay hydrated—on that note, your body can only make use of nutrients that it can easily transport, and if you’re dehydrated, the process is sluggish! Having a big glass of water with your supplements will go a long way to helping your body get them where they’re needed.
    4. Take with black pepper—studies disagree on exactly how much black pepper improves absorption of nutrients. Some say it improves it by 50%, others say as much as 7x better. The truth is probably that it varies from one nutrient to the next, but what is (almost) universally accepted is that black pepper helps you absorb many nutrients you take orally.
    5. Take with a meal—bonus if you seasoned it with black pepper! But also: many nutrients are best absorbed alongside food, and many are specifically fat-soluble (so you want to take a little fat around the same time for maximum absorption)
    6. Consider split doses—a lot of nutrients are best absorbed when spread out a bit. Why? Your body can often only absorb so much at once, and what it couldn’t absorb can, depending on the nutrient, pass right through you. So better to space out the doses—breakfast and dinner make for great times to take them.
    7. Consider cycling—no, not the two-wheeled kind, though feel free to do that too! What cycling means when it comes to supplements is to understand that your body can build a tolerance to some supplements, so you’ll get gradually less effect for the same dose. Combat this by scheduling a break—five days on, two days off is a common schedule—allowing your body to optimise itself in the process!
    8. Check Medications—and, as is always safe, make sure you check whether any medications you take can interrupt your supplement absorption!

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  • Older people’s risk of abuse is rising. Can an ad campaign protect them?

    10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.

    Elder abuse is an emerging public health and safety issue for communities of high-income countries.

    The most recent data from Australia’s National Elder Abuse Prevalence Study, which surveyed 7,000 older people living in the community, found one in six self-reported being a victim of some form of abuse. But this did not include older people living in residential aged care or those with cognitive impairment, such as dementia – so is likely an underestimate.

    This week the Australian government announced a multi-million dollar advertising campaign it hopes will address this serious and abhorrent abuse.

    But is investing in community awareness of elder abuse the best use of scarce resources?

    Nuttapong punna/Shutterstock

    What is elder abuse?

    The World Health Organization (WHO) defines elder abuse as

    […] a single, or repeated act, or lack of appropriate action, occurring within any relationship where there is an expectation of trust which causes harm or distress to an older person.

    Australia usually defines older people as those over 65. The exact age varies between countries depending on the overall health status of a nation and its vulnerable population groups. The WHO definitions of an older adult for sub-Saharan Africa, for example, is over 50. And there are communities with poorer health status and shorter lifespans within country borders, including our First Nations people.

    Elder abuse can take on many different forms including physical, sexual, psychological, emotional, or financial abuse and neglect.

    Living longer and wealthier

    The number of older people in our society is greater than it has ever been. Around 17% Australians are aged 65 and over. By 2071, older Australians will make up between 25% and 27% of the total population.

    People are living longer, accumulating substantial wealth and are vulnerable to abuse due to cognitive, physical or functional limitations.

    Longer lifespans increase the time of possible exposure to abuse. Australian men aged 65 can expect to live another 20.2 years, while women aged 65 are likely to live another 22.8 years. (Life expectancy for First Nations men and women remains significantly shorter.)

    Australian men are now 143 times more likely to reach the age of 100 than they were in 1901. Women are 82 times more likely.

    Older people hold a large proportion of our nation’s wealth, making them vulnerable to financial abuse. Recent research by the Australian Council of Social Service and UNSW Sydney reveals older households (with people over 65) are 25% wealthier than the average middle-aged household and almost four times as wealthy as the average under-35 household.

    Finally, older people have higher levels of impairment in their thinking, reasoning and physical function. Cognitive impairment, especially dementia, increases from one in 67 Australians under 60 to almost one in two people aged over 90.

    Over half of Australians aged 65 years and over have disability. A particularly vulnerable group are the 258,374 older Australians who receive government-funded home care.

    Who perpetrates elder abuse?

    Sadly, most of the perpetrators of elder abuse are known to their victims. They are usually a member of the family, such as a life partner, child or grandchild.

    Elder abuse causes significant illness and even early death. Financial abuse (across all ages) costs the community billions of dollars. Specific data for financial elder abuse is limited but indicates massive costs to individual survivors and the community.

    Despite this, the level of awareness of elder abuse is likely to be much lower than for family violence or child abuse. This is partly due to the comparatively recent concept of elder abuse, with global awareness campaigns only developed over the past two decades.

    Is an advertising campaign the answer?

    The federal government has allocated A$4.8 million to an advertising campaign on television, online and in health-care clinics to reach the broader community. For context, last year the government spent $131.4 million on all media campaigns, including $32.6 million on the COVID vaccination program, $2 million on Japanese encephalitis and $3.2 million on hearing health awareness.

    The campaign will likely benefit a small number of people who may be victims and have the capacity to report their perpetrators to authorities. It will generate some heartbreaking anecdotes. But it is unlikely to achieve broad community or systemic change.

    There is little research evidence to show media campaigns alter the behaviour of perpetrators of elder abuse. And suggesting the campaign raises awareness of the issue for older people who are survivors of abuse sounds more like blaming victims than empowering them.

    We don’t know how the government will judge the success of the campaign, so taxpayers won’t know whether a reasonable return on this investment was achieved. There may also be opportunity costs associated with the initiative – that is, lost opportunities for other actions and strategies. It could be more effective and efficient to target high-risk subgroups or to allocate funding to policy, practice reform or research that has direct tangible benefits for survivors. https://www.youtube.com/embed/DeK2kaqplTI?wmode=transparent&start=0 The Australian Human Rights Commission’s campaign from last year.

    But the campaign can’t hurt, right?

    Actually, the dangers that could come with an advertising campaign are two-fold.

    First it may well oversimplify a highly complex issue. Identifying and managing elder abuse requires an understanding of the person’s vulnerabilities, their decision-making capacity and ability to consent, the will and preferences of victim and the role of perpetrator in the older person’s life. Abuse happens in the context of family and social networks. And reporting abuse can have consequences for the victim’s quality of life and care.

    Consider the complexities of a case where an older person declines to have her grandson reported to police for stealing her money and medication because of her fear of becoming socially isolated. She might even feel responsible for the behaviour having raised the grandson and not want him to have a criminal record.

    Secondly, a public campaign can create the illusion government and our institutions have the matter “in hand”. This might slow the opportunity for real change.

    Ideally, the campaign will strengthen the argument for better policies, reporting procedures, policing, prosecution and judgements that are aligned. But these ends will also need investment in more research to build better communities that take good care of older people.

    Joseph Ibrahim, Professor, Aged Care Medical Research Australian Centre for Evidence Based Aged Care, La Trobe University

    This article is republished from The Conversation under a Creative Commons license. Read the original article.

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  • The Anti-Viral Gut – by Dr. Robynne Chutkan

    10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.

    Some people get a virus and feel terrible for a few days; other people get the same virus and die. Then there are some who never even get it at all despite being in close proximity with the other two. So, what’s the difference?

    Dr. Robynne Chutkan outlines the case for the difference not being in the virus, but in the people. And nor is it a matter of mysterious fate, but rather, a matter of the different levels of defenses (or lack thereof) that we each have.

    The key, she explains, is in our microbiome, and the specific steps to make sure that ours is optimized and ready to protect us. The book goes beyond “eat prebiotics and probiotics”, though, and goes through other modifiable factors, based on data from this pandemic and the last one a hundred years ago. We also learn about the many different kinds of bacteria that live in our various body parts (internal and external), because as it turns out, our gut microbiome (however important; hence the title) isn’t the only relevant microbiome when it comes to whether or not a given disease will take hold or be eaten alive on the way in.

    The style is very polished—Dr. Chutkan is an excellent educator who makes her points clearly and comprehensibly without skimping on scientific detail.

    Bottom line: if you’d like your chances of surviving any given virus season to not be left to chance, then this is a must-read book.

    Click here to check out The Anti-Viral Gut, and make your body a fortress!

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  • Get Better Sleep: Beyond “Sleep Hygiene”

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    Better Sleep, Better Life!

    This is Arianna Huffington. Yes, that Huffington, of the Huffington Post. But! She’s also the CEO of Thrive Global, a behavior change tech company with the mission of changing the way we work and live—in particular, by challenging the idea that burnout is the required price of success.

    The power of better sleep

    Sleep is a very important, but most often neglected, part of good health. Here are some of Huffington’s top insights from her tech company Thrive, and as per her “Sleep Revolution” initiative.

    Follow your circadian rhythm

    Are you a night owl or a morning lark? Whichever it is, roll with it, and plan around that if your lifestyle allows for such. While it is possible to change from one to the other, we do have a predisposition towards one or the other, and will generally function best when not fighting it.

    This came about, by the way, because we evolved to have half of us awake in the mornings and half in the evenings, to keep us all safe. Socially we’ve marched onwards from that point in evolutionary history, but our bodies are about a hundred generations behind the times, and that’s just what we have to work with!

    Don’t be afraid (or ashamed!) to take naps

    Naps, done right, can be very good for the health—especially if we had a bad night’s sleep the previous night.

    Thrive found that workers are more productive when they have nap rooms, and (following on a little from the previous point) are allowed to sleep in or work from home.

    See also: How To Nap Like A Pro (No More “Sleep Hangovers”!)

    Make sure you have personal space available in bed

    The correlation between relationship satisfaction and sleeping close to one’s partner has been found to be so high that it’s even proportional: the further away a couple sleeps from each other, the less happy they are. But…

    Partners who got good sleep the previous night, will be more likely to want intimacy on any given night—at a rate of an extra 14% per extra hour of sleep the previous night. So, there’s a trade-off, as having more room in bed tends to result in better sleep. Time to get a bigger bed?

    What gets measured, gets done

    This goes for sleep, too! Not only does dream-journaling in the morning cue your subconscious to prepare to dream well the following night, but also, sleep trackers and sleep monitoring apps go a very long way to improving sleep quality, even if no extra steps are consciously taken to “score better”.

    We’ve previously reviewed some of the most popular sleep apps; you can check out for yourself how they measured up:

    Time For Some Pillow Talk: The Head-To-Head Of Google and Apple’s Top Apps For Getting Your Head Down

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  • Ashwagandha: The Root of All Even-Mindedness?

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    Ashwagandha: The Root Of All Even-Mindedness?

    In the past few years, Ashwagandha root has been enjoying popular use in consumer products ranging from specialist nootropic supplement stacks, to supermarket teas and hot chocolates.

    This herb is considered to have a calming effect, but the science goes a lot deeper than that. Let’s take a look!

    Last summer, a systematic review was conducted, that asked the question:

    Does Ashwagandha supplementation have a beneficial effect on the management of anxiety and stress?

    While they broadly found the answer was “yes”, they expressed low confidence, and even went so far as to say there was contradictory evidence. We (10almonds) were not able to find any contradictory evidence, and their own full article had been made inaccessible to the public, so we couldn’t double-check theirs.

    We promptly did our own research review, and we found many studies this year supporting Ashwaghanda’s use for the management of anxiety and stress, amongst other benefits.

    First, know: Ashwagandha’s scientific name is “Withania somnifera”, so if you see that (or a derivative of it) mentioned in a paper or extract, it’s the same thing.

    Onto the benefits…

    A study from the same summer investigated “the efficacy of Withania somnifera supplementation on adults’ cognition and mood”, and declared that:

    “in conclusion, Ashwagandha supplementation may improve the physiological, cognitive, and psychological effects of stress.”

    We notice the legalistic “may improve”, but the data itself seems more compelling than that, because the study showed that it in fact “did improve” those things. Specifically, Ashwagandha out-performed placebo in most things they measured, and most (statistically) significantly, reduced cortisol output measurably. Cortisol, for any unfamiliar, is “the stress hormone”.

    Another study that looked into its anti-stress properties is this one:

    Ashwagandha Modulates Stress, Sleep Dynamics, and Mental Clarity

    This study showed that Ashwagandha significantly outperformed placebo in many ways, including:

    • sleep quality
    • cognitive function
    • energy, and
    • perceptions of stress management.

    Ashwagandha is popular among students, because it alleviates stress while also promising benefits to memory, attention, and thinking. So, this study on students caught our eye:

    The Perceived Impact of Ashwagandha on Stress, Sleep Quality, Energy, and Mental Clarity for College Students: Qualitative Analysis of a Double-Blind Randomized Control Trial

    Their findings demonstrated that Ashwagandha increased college students’ perceived well-being through supporting sustained energy, heightened mental clarity, and enhanced sleep quality.

    That was about perceived well-being and based on self-reports, though

    So: what about hard science?

    A later study (in September) found supplementation with 400 mg of Ashwagandha improved executive function, helped sustain attention, and increased short-term/working memory.

    Read the study: Effects of Acute Ashwagandha Ingestion on Cognitive Function

    ❝But aside from the benefits regarding stress, anxiety, sleep quality, cognitive function, energy levels, attention, executive function, and memory, what has Ashwagandha ever done for us?

    Well, there have been studies investigating its worth against depression, like this one:

    Can Traditional Treatment Such as Ashwagandha Be Beneficial in Treating Depression?

    Their broad answer: Ashwagandha works against depression, but they don’t know how it works.

    They did add: “Studies also show that ashwagandha may bolster the immune system, increase stamina, fight inflammation and infection, combat tumors*, reduce stress, revive the libido, protect the liver and soothe jangled nerves.

    That’s quite a lot, including a lot of physical benefits we’ve not explored in this research review which was more about Ashwagandha’s use as a nootropic!

    We’ve been focusing on the more mainstream, well-studied benefits, but for any interested in Ashwagandha’s anti-cancer potential, here’s an example:

    Evaluating anticancer properties of [Ashwagandha Extract]-a potent phytochemical

    In summary:

    There is a huge weight of evidence (of which we’ve barely skimmed the surface here in this newsletter, but there’s only so much we can include, so we try to whittle it down to the highest quality most recent most relevant research) to indicate that Ashwagandha is effective…

    • Against stress
    • Against anxiety
    • Against depression
    • For sleep quality
    • For memory (working, short-term, and long-term)
    • For mental clarity
    • For attention
    • For stamina
    • For energy levels
    • For libido
    • For immune response
    • Against inflammation
    • Against cancer
    • And more*

    *(seriously, this is not hyperbole… We didn’t even look at its liver-protective functions, for instance)

    Bottom line:

    You’d probably like some Ashwagandha now, right? We know we would.

    We don’t sell it (or anything else, for that matter), but happily the Internet does:

    Try Out Ashwagandha For Yourself Here!

    Don’t Forget…

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