Human Connection In An All-Too-Busy World
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Many of us, in many ways, have more discretionary time than ever… On paper.
But rather than the 8-hour block of work of yesteryear, nowadays the things that take our time often come in a series of short bursts that punctuate our day.
This means that while in theory, we have n hours of “free” time per day, we actually have 9 minutes here, 23 minutes there, 1 hour 6 minutes somewhere else, and so on.
Social commitments, meanwhile, tend to require not only that we have time in a block, but also, that the time around that block also be sufficiently free, for travelling, preparation, etc.
The result? “We must do this again, and not leave it so long next time!” we say, sincerely, to the friend whom we will next see again in approximately 17 months’ time.
The problem is how our many theoretically-small obligations reduce the rest of our time to “time confetti”, and that happens on the large scale like we saw above, as well as on the small scale of “Ah, I have an hour to relax between these two things” and then suddenly the time is gone, once again reduced to time confetti:
Time Confetti and the Broken Promise of Leisure
So, how to maintain human connection with people beyond those with whom we live?
Some is infinitely better than none
Let’s say you want to call a friend or relative. There may be generational differences in how much one is expected to arrange this by text first, vs just calling, but either way, you don’t have to have an open-ended block of time, and sometimes, it’s better if you don’t.
Establish, at the start of the call, “Before we get into catching up, how are we for time, by the way? For my part, I’ll have to go by such-and-such a time”, and then work with that.
The benefit of doing this is that you’ll both know enough about the time constraints to use the time appropriately; you won’t run out the clock on smalltalk before getting to something big, and you’ll both come away feeling satisfied that you shared and were shared-with in a meaningful fashion.
In contrast, guessing at time constraints can leave big things clipped off, or else result in someone “looking for a way to politely end this conversation that stopped being interesting a while ago but it’ll seem rude if I say I have to go now”, of the kind that results in someone not being so open to a call next time.
Don’t rush to dismiss texts as a medium for meaningful connection
When text messages were first a thing, you’ll remember how we were all working within a very short character limit and a cost-per-message. It was telegrams for the modern age, basically.
Nowadays, that isn’t so; we can write as much or as little as we like, and this has two benefits:
- We can have longer, meaningful conversations around the other stuff in our life. We can reply in seconds, or after making a cup of tea and thinking about it, or after our grocery-chopping trip, or whenever suits us. Suddenly, time confetti isn’t such a barrier to human connection. Writer’s example: my prime social time in this manner is when I’m cooking dinner (which is often about an hour). There’s no way I could have a phonecall while doing that; my bad hearing notwithstanding, I just have my hands full too often with much else going on. But texting? I can do that in the several-minute gaps between assorted culinary tasks, while I’m waiting for the kettle to boil or the onions to brown or whatever.
- Sometimes, the brevity makes it easier. A quick text saying “Hey, just to let you know I’m thinking of you, and hope your day is going well!”, or “Unrelated to anything: I was just thinking about how I’m glad to have you in my life; you’re a good friend, and I appreciate that more than I often remember to say. Anyway, that’s all; it was just on my mind. I hope your day is going well!”
(The cheery closing words in those last two text message examples help signify: “don’t worry, I’m fine and am not looking for anything from you”, which will help the recipient to relax, and counterintuitively, more likely to reply with some kind words of their own, knowing that they’re not signing up for a potentially deep talk when they also have time confetti issues going on)
Seize the moment (and also let it go)
You probably have many small interactions with strangers, most days. In the store, walking the dog, at the doctor’s office, etc. So, two things:
- Make smalltalk. And if you’re not one for traditional smalltalk topics (weather etc), or even if you are, a level-up is:
- Compliment sincerely. Straight out of “How To Win Friends And Influence People”, of course, but it creates a moment of genuine connection; you say a thing, their day is improved, they smile, you complete your business with a smile of your own and go about your day.
(of course, do steer clear of anything that could be interpreted as flirting, if that is not your intent, and really it should never be your intent when it comes to the captive audience of someone who will get fired if they’re not nice to you)
But, with a little practice, these little moments add up to a lot more human connection than if we treat the strangers with whom we interact as though they were merely part of the scenery.
Want more than that?
Check out:
How To Beat Loneliness & Isolation
Take care!
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Real Superfoods – by Ocean Robbins & Nichole Dandrea-Russert
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Of the two authors, the former is a professional public speaker, and the latter is a professional dietician. As a result, we get a book that is polished and well-presented, while actually having a core of good solid science (backed up with plenty of references).
The book is divided into two parts; the first part has 9 chapters pertaining to 9 categories of superfood (with more details about top-tier examples of each, within), and the second part has 143 pages of recipes.
And yes, as usual, a couple of the recipes are “granola” and “smoothie”, but when are they not? Most of the recipes are worthwhile, though, with a lot of good dishes that should please most people.
Bottom line: this is half pop-science presentation of superfoods, and half cookbook featuring those ingredients. Definitely a good way to increase your consumption of superfoods, and get the most out of your diet.
Click here to check out Real Superfoods, and power up your health!
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Salt Sugar Fat – by Michael Moss
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You are probably already aware that food giants put unhealthy ingredients in processed food. So what does this book offer of value?
Sometimes, better understanding leads to better movation. In this case, while a common (reasonable) view has been:
“The food giants fill their food with salt, sugar, and fat, because it makes that food irresistibly delicious”
…but that doesn’t exactly put us off the food, does it? It just makes it a guilty pleasure. Ah yes, the irresistible McDouble Dopamineburger. The time-honored tradition of Pizza Night; a happy glow; a special treat.
What Pulitzer-winning author Michael Moss brings to us is different.
He examines not just how they hooked us, but why. And the answer is not merely the obvious “profit and greed”, but also “survival, under capitalism”. That without regulation forcing companies to keep salt/sugar/fat levels down, companies that have tried to do so voluntarily have quickly had to u-turn to regain any hope of competitiveness.
He also looks at how the salt/sugar/fat components are needed to mask the foul taste of the substandard ingredients they use to maintain lower costs… Processed food, without the heavy doses of salt/sugar/fat, is not anywhere close to what you might make at home. Industry will cut costs where it can.
Bottom line: if you need a push to kick the processed food habit, this is the book that will do it.
Click here to check out Salt Sugar Fat, and reclaim your health!
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Take Care Of Your “Unwanted” Parts Too!
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Meet The Family…
If you’ve heard talk of “healing your inner child” or similar ideas, then today’s featured type of therapy takes that to several extra levels, in a way that helps many people.
It’s called Internal Family Systems therapy, often “IFS” for short.
Here’s a quick overview:
Psychology Today | Internal Family Systems Therapy
Note: if you are delusional, paranoid, schizophrenic, or have some other related disorder*, then IFS would probably be a bad idea for you as it could worsen your symptoms, and/or play into them badly.
*but bipolar disorder, in its various forms, is not usually a problem for IFS. Do check with your own relevant healthcare provider(s), of course, to be sure.
What is IFS?
The main premise of IFS is that your “self” can be modelled as a system, and its constituent parts can be examined, questioned, given what they need, and integrated into a healthy whole.
For example…
- Exile is the name given to parts that could be, for example, the “inner child” referenced in a lot of pop-psychology, but it could also be some other ignored and pushed-down part of oneself, often from some kind of trauma. The defining characteristic of an exile is that it’s a part of ourself that we don’t consciously allow ourselves to see as a current part of ourself.
- Protector is the name given to a part of us that looks to keep us safe, and can do this in an adaptive (healthy) or maladaptive (unhealthy) way, for example:
- Firefighter is the name given to a part of us that will do whatever is necessary in the moment to deal with an exile that is otherwise coming to the surface—sometimes with drastic actions/reactions that may not be great for us.
- Manager is the name given to a part of us that has a more nurturing protective role, keeping us from harm in what’s often a more prophylactic manner.
To give a simple illustration…
A person was criticized a lot as a child, told she was useless, and treated as a disappointment. Consequently, as an adult she now has an exile “the useless child”, something she strives to leave well behind in her past, because it was a painful experience for her. However, sometimes when someone questions and/or advises her, she will get defensive as her firefighter “the hero” will vigorously speak up for her competence, like nobody did when she was a child. This vigor, however, manifests as rude abrasiveness and overcompensation. Finally, she has a manager, “the advocate”, who will do the same job, but in a more quietly confident fashion.
This person’s therapy will look at transferring the protector job from the firefighter to the manager, which will involve examining, questioning, and addressing all three parts.
The above example is fictional and created for simplicity and clarity; here’s a real-world case study if you’d like a more in-depth overview of how it can work:
How it all fits together in practice
IFS looks to make sure all the parts’ needs are met, even the “bad” ones, because they all have their functions.
Good IFS therapy, however, can make sure a part is heard, and then reassure that part in a way that effectively allows that part to “retire”, safe and secure in the knowledge that it has done what it needed to, and/or the job is being done by another part now.
That can involve, for example, thanking the firefighter for looking after our exile for all these years, but that our exile is safe and in good hands now, so it can put that fire-axe away.
See also: On Being Reactive vs Being Responsive
Questions you might ask yourself
While IFS therapy is best given by a skilled practitioner, we can take some of the ideas of it for self-therapy too. For example…
- What is a secret about yourself that you will take to the grave? And now, why did that part of you (now an exile) come to exist?
- What does that exile need, that it didn’t get? What parts of us try to give it that nowadays?
- What could we do, with all that information in mind, to assign the “protection” job to the part of us best-suited to healthy integration?
Want to know more?
We’ve only had the space of a small article to give a brief introduction to Family Systems therapy, so check out the “resources” tab at:
IFS Institute | What Is Internal Family Systems Therapy?
Take care!
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The Vagus Nerve (And How You Can Make Use Of It)
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The Vagus Nerve: The Brain-Gut Highway
The longest cranial nerve is the vagus nerve; it runs all the way from your brain to your colon. It’s very important, and (amongst other tasks) it largely regulates your parasympathetic nervous system, and autonomous functions like:
- Breathing
- Heart rate
- Vasodilation & vasoconstriction
- Blood pressure
- Reflex actions (e.g. coughing, sneezing, swallowing, vomiting, hiccuping)
That’s great, but how does knowing about it help us?
Because of vagal maneuvers! This means taking an action to stimulate the vagus nerve, and prompt it to calm down various bodily functions that need calming down. This can take the form of:
- Massage
- Electrostimulation
- Diaphragmatic breathing
Massage is perhaps the simplest; “vagus” means “wandering”, and the nerve is accessible in various places, including behind the ears. That’s the kind of thing that’ easier to show than tell, though, so we’ll include a video at the end.
Electrostimulation is the fanciest, and has been used to treat migraines and cluster headaches. Check out, for example:
Update on noninvasive neuromodulation for migraine treatment-Vagus nerve stimulation
Diaphragmatic breathing means breathing from the diaphragm—the big muscular tissue that sits under your lungs. You might know it as “abdominal breathing”, and refers to breathing “to the abdomen” rather than merely to the chest.
Even though your lungs are obviously in your chest not your abdomen, breathing with a focus on expanding the abdomen (rather than the chest) when breathing in, will result in much deeper breathing as the diaphragm allows the lungs to fill downwards as well as outwards.
Why this helps when it comes to the vagus nerve is simply that the vagus nerve passes by the diaphragm, such that diaphragmatic breathing will massage the vagus nerve deep inside your body.
More than just treating migraines
Vagus nerve stimulation has also been researched and found potentially helpful for managing:
- Depression, inflammation, and heart disease
- Diabetes and glycemic issues in general
- Multiple sclerosis and autoimmune disease in general
- Alzheimer’s disease and dementia in general
- Rheumatoid arthritis (we already mentioned inflammation and autoimmune diseases, but this is an interesting paper so we included it)
All this is particularly important as we get older, because vagal response reduces with age, and vagus nerve stimulation, which improves vagal tone, makes it easier not just to manage the aforementioned maladies, but also simply to relax more easily and more deeply.
See: Influence of age and gender on autonomic regulation of heart
We promised a video for the massage, so here it is:
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Eggplant vs Tomato – Which is Healthier?
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Our Verdict
When comparing eggplant to tomato, we picked the eggplant.
Why?
Both have their merits! But…
In terms of macros, eggplant has nearly 3x the fiber, as well as slightly more carbs and protein, making it the most nutritionally dense option in the macros category.
In the category of vitamins, eggplant has more of vitamins B1, B2, B3, B5, B6, B9, and choline, while tomatoes have more of vitamins A, C, E, and K. So, very different vitamin coverage from each one, and/but by the numbers, eggplant wins.
When it comes to minerals, eggplant has more copper, magnesium, manganese, and selenium, while tomatoes have more calcium and iron. The margins of difference are very small in all cases, and they’re equal in phosphorus, potassium, and zinc. So this one’s very close, but by the numbers, eggplant scrapes a marginal victory.
Looking at phytochemicals, they’re about equal on polyphenols, though it’s worth mentioning that tomatoes are a famously good source of lycopene, which isn’t a polyphenol, but it is a very beneficial carotenoid, so we’ll say tomatoes get the win this round.
Adding up the sections, though, makes for an overall win for eggplant, but tomatoes are great too, and mostly in different ways than eggplant, which makes them extra good to enjoy together (salad, ratatouille, etc) for their very complementary health benefits!
Want to learn more?
You might like:
Lycopene’s Benefits For The Gut, Heart, Brain, & More
Enjoy!
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Intermittent Fasting In Women
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It’s Q&A Day at 10almonds!
Have a question or a request? We love to hear from you!
In cases where we’ve already covered something, we might link to what we wrote before, but will always be happy to revisit any of our topics again in the future too—there’s always more to say!
As ever: if the question/request can be answered briefly, we’ll do it here in our Q&A Thursday edition. If not, we’ll make a main feature of it shortly afterwards!
So, no question/request too big or small
❝Does intermittent fasting differ for women, and if so, how?❞
For the sake of layout, we’ve put a shortened version of this question here, but the actual wording was as below, and merits sharing in full for context
Went down a rabbit hole on your site and now can’t remember how I got to the “Fasting Without Crashing” article on intermittent fasting so responding to this email lol, but was curious what you find/know about fasting for women specifically? It’s tough for me to sift through and find legitimate studies done on the results of fasting in women, knowing that our bodies are significantly different from men. This came up when discussing with my sister about how I’ve been enjoying fasting 1-2 days/week. She said she wanted more reliable sources of info that that’s good, since she’s read more about how temporary starvation can lead to long-term weight gain due to our bodies feeling the need to store fat. I’ve also read about that, but also that fasting enables more focused autophagy in our bodies, which helps with long-term staving off of diseases/ailments. Curious to know what you all think!
~ 10almonds subscriber
So, first of all, great question! Thanks for asking it
Next up, isn’t it strange? Books come in the format:
- [title]
- [title, for women]
You would not think women are a little over half of the world’s population!
Anyway, there has been some research done on the difference of intermittent fasting in women, but not much.
For example, here’s a study that looked at 1–2 days/week IF, in other words, exactly what you’ve been doing. And, they did have an equal number of men and women in the study… And then didn’t write down whether this made a difference or not! They recorded a lot of data, but neglected to note down who got what per sex:
Here’s a more helpful study, that looked at just women, and concluded:
❝In conclusion, intermittent fasting could be a nutritional strategy to decrease fat mass and increase jumping performance.
However, longer duration programs would be necessary to determine whether other parameters of muscle performance could be positively affected by IF. ❞
~ Dr. Martínez-Rodríguez et al.
Those were “active women”; another study looked at just women who were overweight or obese (we realize that “active women” and “obese or overweight women” is a Venn diagram with some overlap, but still, the different focus is interesting), and concluded:
❝IER is as effective as CER with regard to weight loss, insulin sensitivity and other health biomarkers, and may be offered as an alternative equivalent to CER for weight loss and reducing disease risk.❞
As for your sister’s specific concern about yo-yoing, we couldn’t find studies for this yet, but anecdotally and based on books on Intermittent Fasting, this is not usually an issue people find with IF. This is assumed to be for exactly the reason you mention, the increased cellular apoptosis and autophagy—increasing cellular turnover is very much the opposite of storing fat!
You might, by the way, like Dr. Mindy Pelz’s “Fast Like A Girl”, which we reviewed previously
Take care!
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