Radical Acceptance!
A common criticism of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is that much of it hinges on the following process:
- You are having bad feelings
- Which were caused by negative automatic thoughts
- Which can be taken apart logically
- Thus diffusing the feelings
- And then feeling better
For example:
- I feel like I’m an unwanted burden to my friend
- Because he canceled on me today
- But a reasonable explanation is that he indeed accidentally double-booked himself and the other thing wasn’t re-arrangeable
- My friend is trusting me to be an understanding friend myself, and greatly values my friendship
- I feel better and look forward to our next time together
But what if the negative automatic thoughts are, upon examination, reasonable?
Does CBT argue that we should just “keep the faith” and go on looking at a cruel indifferent world through rose-tinted spectacles?
Nope, there’s a back-up tool.
This is more talked-about in Dialectic Behavior Therapy (DBT), and is called radical acceptance:
Radical acceptance here means accepting the root of things as true, and taking the next step from there. It follows a bad conclusion with “alright, and now what?”
“But all evidence points to the fact that my friend has been avoiding me for months; I really can’t ignore it or explain it away any longer”
“Alright. Now what?”
- Maybe there’s something troubling your friend that you don’t know about (have you asked?)
- Maybe that something is nothing to do with you (or maybe it really is about you!)
- Maybe there’s a way you and he can address it together (how important is it to you?)
- Maybe it’s just time to draw a line under it and move on (with or without him)
Whatever the circumstances, there’s always a way to move forwards.
Feelings are messengers, and once you’ve received and processed the message, the only reason to keep feeling the same thing, is if you want to.
Note that this is true even when you know with 100% certainty that the Bad Thing™ is real and exactly as-imagined. It’s still possible for you to accept, for example:
“Alright, so this person really truly hates me. Damn, that sucks; I think I’ve been nothing but nice to them. Oh well. Shit happens.”
Feel all the feelings you need to about it, and then decide for yourself where you want to go from there.
Get: 25 CBT Worksheets To Help You Find Solutions To A Wide Variety of Problems
Recognizing Emotions
We talked in a previous edition of 10almonds’ Psychology Sunday about how an important part of dealing with difficult emotions is recognizing them as something that you experience, rather than something that’s intrinsically “you”.
But… How?
One trick is to just mentally (or out loud, if your current environment allows for such) greet them when you notice them:
- Hello again, Depression
- Oh, hi there Anxiety, it’s you
- Nice of you to join us, Anger
Not only does this help recognize and delineate the emotion, but also, it de-tooths it and recognizes it for what it is—something that doesn’t actually mean you any harm, but that does need handling.
