The Art of Being Unflappable

From Stoicism to CBT, thinkers through the ages have sought the unflappable life.

Today, in true 10almonds fashion, we’re going to distil it down to some concentrated essentials that we can all apply in our daily lives:

Most Common/Impactful Cognitive Distortions To Catch (And Thus Avoid)

These are like the rhetorical fallacies with which you might be familiar (ad hominem, no true Scotsman, begging the question, tu quoque, straw man, etc), but are about what goes on between your own ears, pertaining to your own life.

If we learn about them and how to recognize them, however, we can catch them before they sabotage us, and remain “unflappable” in situations that could otherwise turn disastrous.

Let’s take a look at a few:

Catastrophizing / Crystal Ball

• Distortion: not just blowing something out of proportion, but taking an idea and running with it to its worst possible conclusion. For example, we cook one meal that’s a “miss” and conclude we are a terrible cook, and in fact for this reason a terrible housewife/mother/friend/etc, and for this reason everyone will probably abandon us and would be right to do so
• Reality: by tomorrow, you’ll probably be the only one who even remembers it happened

Mind Reading

• Distortion: attributing motivations that may or may not be there, and making assumptions about other people’s thoughts/feelings. An example is the joke about two partners’ diary entries; one is long and full of feelings about how the other is surely dissatisfied in their marriage, has been acting “off” with them all day, is closed and distant, probably wants to divorce, may be having an affair and is wondering which way to jump, and/or is just wondering how to break the news—the other partner’s diary entry is short, and reads “motorcycle won’t start; can’t figure out why”
• Reality: sometimes, asking open questions is better than guessing, and much better than assuming!

All-or-Nothing Thinking / Disqualifying the Positive / Magnifying the Negative

• Distortion: having a negative bias that not only finds a cloud in every silver lining, but stretches it out so that it’s all that we can see. In a relationship, this might mean that one argument makes us feel like our relationship is nothing but strife. In life in general, it may lead us to feel like we are “naturally unlucky”.
• Reality: those negative things wouldn’t even register as negative to us if there weren’t a commensurate positive we’ve experienced to hold them in contrast against. So, find and remember that positive too.

For brevity, we put a spotlight on (and in some cases, clumped together) the ones we think have the most bang-for-buck to know about, but there are many more.

So for the curious, here’s some further reading:

Psychology Today: 50 Common Cognitive Distortions

What’s The Worst That Could Happen?

When we talk about the five lifestyle factors that make the biggest difference to health, stress management would be a worthy addition as number six. We haven’t focused explicitly on that for a while, so let’s get ready to start the New Year on a good footing…

You’re not going to have a stress-free 2024

What a tender world that would be! Hopefully your stressors will be small and manageable, but rest assured, things will stress you.

And that’s key: “rest assured”. Know it now, prepare for it, and build resilience.

Sounds grim, doesn’t it? It doesn’t have to be, though.

When the forecast weather is cold and wet, you’re not afraid of it when you have a warm dry house. When the heating bill comes for that warm dry house, you’re not afraid of it when you have money to pay it. If you didn’t have the money and the warm dry house, the cold wet weather could be devastating to you.

The lesson here is: we can generally handle what we’re prepared for.

Negative visualization and the PNS

This is the opposite of what a lot of “think and grow rich”-style gurus would advise. And indeed, it’s not helpful to slide into anxious worrying.

If you do find yourself spiralling, here’s a tool for getting out of that spiral:

RAIN: an intervention for dealing with difficult emotions

For now, however, we’re going to practice Radical Acceptance.

First, some biology: you may be aware that your Central Nervous System (CNS) branches into the Sympathetic Nervous System (SNS) and the Parasympathetic Nervous System (PNS).

The PNS is the part that cues our body to relax, and suppresses our fight/flight response. We’re going to activate it.

Activating the PNS is easy for most people in comfortable circumstances (e.g., you are not currently exposed to stressful stimuli). It may well be activated already, and if it’s not, a few deep breaths is usually all it takes.

If you’d like a quick and easy Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) technique, here you go:

No-Frills, Evidence-Based Mindfulness

Activating the PNS is hard for most people in difficult circumstances (e.g., you either are currently exposed to stressful stimuli, or you are in one of the emotional spirals we discussed earlier).

However, we can trick our bodies and brains by—when we are safe and unstressed—practicing imagining those stressful stimuli. Taking a moment to not just imagine it experientially, but immersively. This, in CBT and DBT, is the modern equivalent to the old samurai who simply accepted, before battle, that they were already dead—and thus went into battle with zero fear of death.

A less drastic example is the zen master who had a favorite teacup, and feared it would get broken. So he would tell himself “the cup is already broken”. One day, it actually broke, and he simply smiled ruefully and said “Of course”.

How this ties together: practice the mindfulness-based stress reduction we linked above, while imagining the things that do/would stress you the most.

Since it’s just imagination, this is a little easier than when the thing is actually happening. Practicing this way means that when and if the thing actually happens (an unfortunate diagnosis, a financial reversal, whatever it may be), our CNS is already well-trained to respond to stress with a dose of PNS-induced calm.

You can also leverage hormesis, a beneficial aspect of (in this case, optional and chosen by you) acute stress:

Dr. Elissa Epel | The Stress Prescription

Psychological resilience training

This (learned!) ability to respond to stress in an adaptive fashion (without maladaptive coping strategies such as unhelpful behavioral reactivity and/or substance use) is a key part of what in psychology is called resilience:

Psychological resilience: an update on definitions, a critical appraisal, and research recommendations

And yes, the CBT/DBT/MBSR methods we’ve been giving you are the evidence-based gold standard.

Only the best for 10almonds subscribers! 😎

Road to resilience: a systematic review and meta-analysis of resilience training programmes and interventions

❝That was helpful, but not cheery; can we finish the year on a cheerier note?❞

We can indeed:

How To Get Your Brain On A More Positive Track (Without Toxic Positivity)

Take care!