Codependency Isn’t What Most People Think It Is

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Codependency isn’t what most people think it is

In popular parlance, people are often described as “codependent” when they rely on each other to function normally. That’s interdependent mutualism, and while it too can become a problem if a person is deprived of their “other half” and has no idea how to do laundry and does not remember to take their meds, it’s not codependency.

Codependency finds its origins in the treatment and management of alcoholism, and has been expanded to encompass other forms of relationships with dependence on substances and/or self-destructive behaviors—which can be many things, including the non-physical, for example a pattern of irresponsible impulse-spending, or sabotaging one’s own relationship(s).

We’ll use the simplest example, though:

  • Person A is (for example) an alcoholic. They have a dependency.
  • Person B, married to A, is not an alcoholic. However, their spouse’s dependency affects them greatly, and they do what they can to manage that, and experience tension between wanting to “save” their spouse, and wanting their spouse to be ok, which latter, superficially, often means them having their alcohol.

Person B is thus said to be “codependent”.

The problem with codependency

The problems of codependency are mainly twofold:

  1. The dependent partner’s dependency is enabled and thus perpetuated by the codependent partner—they might actually have to address their dependency, if it weren’t for their partner keeping them from too great a harm (be it financially, socially, psychologically, medically, whatever)
  2. The codependent partner is not having a good time of it either. They have the stress of two lives with the resources (e.g. time) of one. They are stressing about something they cannot control, understandably worrying about their loved one, and, worse: every action they might take to “save” their loved one by reducing the substance use, is an action that makes their partner unhappy, and causes conflict too.

Note: codependency is often a thing in romantic relationships, but it can appear in other relationships too, e.g. parent-child, or even between friends.

See also: Development and validation of a revised measure of codependency

How to deal with this

If you find yourself in a codependent position, or are advising someone who is, there are some key things that can help:

  • Be a nurturer, not a rescuer. It is natural to want to “rescue” someone we care about, but there are some things we cannot do for them. Instead, we must look for ways to build their strength so that they can take the steps that only they can take to fix the problem.
  • Establish boundaries. Practise saying “no”, and also be clear over what things you can and cannot control—and let go of the latter. Communicate this, though. An “I’m not the boss of you” angle can prompt a lot of people to take more personal responsibility.
  • Schedule time for yourself. You might take some ideas from our previous tangentially-related article:

How To Avoid Carer Burnout (Without Dropping Care)

Want to read more?

That’s all we have space for today, but here’s a very useful page with a lot of great resources (including questionnaires and checklist and things, in case you’re thinking “is it, or…?”)

Codependency: What Are The Signs & How To Overcome It

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  • Ayurveda’s Contributions To Science

    10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.

    Ayurveda’s Contributions To Science (Without Being Itself Rooted in Scientific Method)

    Yesterday, we asked you for your opinions on ayurveda, and got the above-depicted, below-described, set of responses. Of those who responded…

    • A little over 41% said “I don’t know what ayurveda is without looking it up”
    • A little over 37% said “It is a fine branch of health science with millennia of evidence”
    • A little over 16% said “It gets some things right, but not by actual science”
    • A little over 4% said “It is a potentially dangerous pseudoscience”

    So, what does the science say?

    Ayurveda is scientific: True or False?

    False, simply. Let’s just rip the band-aid off in this case. That doesn’t mean it’s necessarily without merit, though!

    Let’s put it this way:

    • If you drink coffee to feel more awake because scientific method has discerned that caffeine has vasoconstrictive and adenosine-blocking effects while also promoting dopaminergic activity, then your consumption of coffee is evidence-based and scientific. Great!
    • If you drink coffee to feel more awake because somebody told you that that somebody told them that it energizes you by balancing the elements fire (the heat of the coffee), air (the little bubbles on top), earth (the coffee grinds), water (the water), and ether (steam), then that is neither evidence-based nor scientific, but it will still work exactly the same.

    Ayurveda is a little like that. It’s an ancient traditional Indian medicine, based on a combination of anecdotal evidence and supposition.

    • The anecdotal evidence from ayurveda has often resulted in herbal remedies that, in modern scientific trials, have been found to have merit.
      • Ayurvedic meditative practices also have a large overlap with modern mindfulness practices, and have also been found to have merit
      • Ayurveda also promotes the practice of yoga, which is indeed a very healthful activity
    • The supposition from ayurveda is based largely in those five elements we mentioned above, as well as a “balancing of humors” comparable to medieval European medicine, and from a scientific perspective, is simply a hypothesis with no evidence to support it.

    Note: while ayurveda is commonly described as a science by its practitioners in the modern age, it did not originally claim to be scientific, but rather, wisdom handed down directly by the god Dhanvantari.

    Ayurveda gets some things right: True or False?

    True! Indeed, we covered some before in 10almonds; you may remember:

    Bacopa Monnieri: A Well-Evidenced Cognitive Enhancer

    (Bacopa monnieri is also known by its name in ayurveda, brahmi)

    There are many other herbs that have made their way from ayurveda into modern science, but the above is a stand-out example. Others include:

    Yoga and meditation are also great, and not only that, but great by science, for example:

    Ayurveda is a potentially dangerous pseudoscience: True or False?

    Also True! We covered why it’s a pseudoscience above, but that doesn’t make it potentially dangerous, per se (you’ll remember our coffee example).

    What does, however, make it potentially dangerous (dose-dependent) is its use of heavy metals such as lead, mercury, and arsenic:

    Heavy Metal Content of Ayurvedic Herbal Medicine Products

    Some final thoughts…

    Want to learn more about the sometimes beneficial, sometimes uneasy relationship between ayurveda and modern science?

    A lot of scholarly articles trying to bridge (or further separate) the two were very biased one way or the other.

    Instead, here’s one that’s reasonably optimistic with regard to ayurveda’s potential for good, while being realistic about how it currently stands:

    Development of Ayurveda—Tradition to trend

    Take care!

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  • Nanotechnology vs Alcohol Damage!

    10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.

    One Thing That Does Pair Well With Alcohol…

    Alcohol is not a healthy thing to consume. That shouldn’t be a controversial statement, but there is a popular belief that it can be good for the heart:

    Red Wine & The Heart: Can We Drink To Good Health?

    The above is an interesting and well-balanced article that examines the arguments for health benefits (including indirectly, e.g. social aspects).

    Ultimately, though, as the World Health Organization puts it:

    WHO: No level of alcohol consumption is safe for our health

    There is some good news:

    We can somewhat reduce the harm done by alcohol by altering our habits slightly:

    How To Make Drinking Less Harmful

    …and we can also, of course, reduce our alcohol consumption (ideally to zero, but any reduction is an improvement already):

    How To Reduce Or Quit Alcohol

    And, saving the best news (in this section, anyway) for last, it is almost always possible to undo the harm done specifically to one’s liver:

    How To Unfatty A Fatty Liver

    Nanotechnology to the rescue?

    Remember when we had a main feature about how colloidal gold basically does nothing by itself (and that that’s precisely why gold is used in medicine, when it is used)?

    Now it has an extra bit of nothing to do, for our benefit (if we drink alcohol, anyway), as part of a gel that detoxifies alcohol before it can get to our liver:

    Gold is one of the “ingredients” in a gel containing a nanotechnology lattice of protein fibrils coated with iron (and the gold is there as an inert catalyst, which is chemistry’s way of saying it doesn’t react in any way but it does cheer the actual reagents on). There’s more chemistry going on than we have room to discuss in our little newsletter, so if you like the full details, you can read about that here:

    Single-site iron-anchored amyloid hydrogels as catalytic platforms for alcohol detoxification

    The short and oversimplified explanation is that instead of alcohol being absorbed from the gut and transported via the bloodstream to the liver, where it is metabolized (poisoning the liver as it goes, and poisoning the rest of the body too, including the brain), the alcohol is degraded while it is still in the gastrointestinal tract, converted by the gel’s lattice into acetic acid (which is at worst harmless, and actually in moderation a good thing to have).

    Even shorter and even more oversimplified: the gel turns the alcohol into vinegar in the stomach and gut, before it can get absorbed into the blood.

    But…

    Of course there’s a “but”…

    There are some limitations:

    It doesn’t get it all (tests so far found it only gets about half of the alcohol), and so far it’s only been tested on mice, so it’s not on the market yet—while the researchers are sufficiently confident about it that a patent application has now been made, though, so it’ll probably show up on the market in the near future.

    You can read a pop-science article about it (with diagrams!) here:

    New gel breaks down alcohol in the body

    Want to read more…

    …about how to protect your organs (including your brain) from alcohol completely?

    We’ve reviewed quite a number of books about quitting alcohol, so it’s hard to narrow it down to a single favorite, but after some deliberation, we’ll finish today with recommending:

    Quit Drinking – by Rebecca Doltonyou can read our review here

    Take care!

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  • Women take more antidepressants after divorce than men but that doesn’t mean they’re more depressed

    10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.

    Research out today from Finland suggests women may find it harder to adjust to later-life divorce and break-ups than men.

    The study used population data from 229,000 Finns aged 50 to 70 who had undergone divorce, relationship break-up or bereavement and tracked their use of antidepressants before and after their relationship ended.

    They found antidepressant use increased in the four years leading to the relationship dissolution in both genders, with women experiencing a more significant increase.

    But it’s too simplistic to say women experience poorer mental health or tend to be less happy after divorce than men.

    Remind me, how common is divorce?

    Just under 50,000 divorces are granted each year in Australia. This has slowly declined since the 1990s.

    More couple are choosing to co-habitate, instead of marry, and the majority of couples live together prior to marriage. Divorce statistics don’t include separations of cohabiting couples, even though they are more likely than married couples to separate.

    Those who divorce are doing so later in life, often after their children grow up. The median age of divorce increased from 45.9 in 2021 to 46.7 in 2022 for men and from 43.0 to 43.7 for women.

    The trend of late divorces also reflects people deciding to marry later in life. The median duration from marriage to divorce in 2022 was around 12.8 years and has remained fairly constant over the past decade.

    Why do couples get divorced?

    Changes in social attitudes towards marriage and relationships mean divorce is now more accepted. People are opting not to be in unhappy marriages, even if there are children involved.

    Instead, they’re turning the focus on marriage quality. This is particularly true for women who have established a career and are financially autonomous.

    Similarly, my research shows it’s particularly important for people to feel their relationship expectations can be fulfilled long term. In addition to relationship quality, participants reported needing trust, open communication, safety and acceptance from their partners.

    Grey divorce” (divorce at age 50 and older) is becoming increasingly common in Western countries, particularly among high-income populations. While factors such as an empty nest, retirement, or poor health are commonly cited predictors of later-in-life divorce, research shows older couples divorce for the same reasons as younger couples.

    What did the new study find?

    The study tracked antidepressant use in Finns aged 50 to 70 for four years before their relationship breakdown and four years after.

    They found antidepressant use increased in the four years leading to the relationship break-up in both genders. The proportion of women taking antidepressants in the lead up to divorce increased by 7%, compared with 5% for men. For de facto separation antidepressant use increased by 6% for women and 3.2% for men.

    Within a year of the break-up, antidepressant use fell back to the level it was 12 months before the break-up. It subsequently remained at that level among the men.

    But it was a different story for women. Their use tailed off only slightly immediately after the relationship breakdown but increased again from the first year onwards.

    Woman sits at the beach
    Women’s antidepressant use increased again.
    sk/Unsplash

    The researchers also looked at antidepressant use after re-partnering. There was a decline in the use of antidepressants for men and women after starting a new relationship. But this decline was short-lived for women.

    But there’s more to the story

    Although this data alone suggest women may find it harder to adjust to later-life divorce and break-ups than men, it’s important to note some nuances in the interpretation of this data.

    For instance, data suggesting women experience depression more often than men is generally based on the rate of diagnoses and antidepressant use, which does not account for undiagnosed and unmedicated people.

    Women are generally more likely to access medical services and thus receive treatment. This is also the case in Australia, where in 2020–2022, 21.6% of women saw a health professional for their mental health, compared with only 12.9% of men.

    Why women might struggle more after separating

    Nevertheless, relationship dissolution can have a significant impact on people’s mental health. This is particularly the case for women with young children and older women.

    So what factors might explain why women might experience greater difficulties after divorce later in life?

    Research investigating the financial consequences of grey divorce in men and women showed women experienced a 45% decline in their standard of living (measured by an income-to-needs ratio), whereas men’s dropped by just 21%. These declines persisted over time for men, and only reversed for women following re-partnering.

    Another qualitative study investigating the lived experiences of heterosexual couples post-grey divorce identified financial worries as a common theme between female participants.

    A female research participant (age 68) said:

    [I am most worried about] the money, [and] what I’m going to do when the little bit of money I have runs out […] I have just enough money to live. And, that’s it, [and if] anything happens I’m up a creek. And Medicare is incredibly expensive […] My biggest expense is medicine.

    Another factor was loneliness. One male research participant (age 54) described he preferred living with his ex-wife, despite not getting along with her, than being by himself:

    It was still [good] knowing that [the] person was there, and now that’s gone.

    Other major complications of later-life divorce are possible issues with inheritance rights and next-of-kin relationships for medical decision-making.

    Separation can be positive

    For some people, divorce or separation can lead to increased happiness and feeling more independent.

    And the mental health impact and emotional distress of a relationship dissolution is something that can be counterattacked with resilience. Resilience to dramatic events built from life experience means older adults often do respond better to emotional distress and might be able to adjust better to divorce than their younger counterparts.The Conversation

    Raquel Peel, Adjunct Senior Lecturer, University of Southern Queensland and Senior Lecturer, RMIT University

    This article is republished from The Conversation under a Creative Commons license. Read the original article.

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    Nonetheless, this time Dr. Haver has something new to add, and we think it’s worth a read.

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    Internal Family Systems (IFS) is a large, internationally recognized, and popular therapeutic approach. It’s also an approach that lends itself quite well to self-therapy, as this book illustrates.

    Dr. Schwartz kicks off by explaining not IFS, but the problem that it solves… We (most of us, anyway) have over the course of our lives tried to plug the gaps in our own unmet psychological needs. And, that can cause resentment, strain, and can even be taken out on others if we’re not careful.

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    One of the benefits of using this book for self-therapy, of course, is that it requires a lot less vulnerability with a third party.

    But, speaking of which, what of these intimate relationships the subtitle of the book referenced? Mostly the benefits to such come from a “put your own oxygen mask on first” angle… but the book does also cover discussions between intimate partners, and approaches to love, including what the author calls “courageous love”.

    Bottom line: this is a great book if you want to do some “spring-cleaning of the soul” and live a little more lightly as a result.

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