Codependency Isn’t What Most People Think It Is

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Codependency isn’t what most people think it is

In popular parlance, people are often described as “codependent” when they rely on each other to function normally. That’s interdependent mutualism, and while it too can become a problem if a person is deprived of their “other half” and has no idea how to do laundry and does not remember to take their meds, it’s not codependency.

Codependency finds its origins in the treatment and management of alcoholism, and has been expanded to encompass other forms of relationships with dependence on substances and/or self-destructive behaviors—which can be many things, including the non-physical, for example a pattern of irresponsible impulse-spending, or sabotaging one’s own relationship(s).

We’ll use the simplest example, though:

  • Person A is (for example) an alcoholic. They have a dependency.
  • Person B, married to A, is not an alcoholic. However, their spouse’s dependency affects them greatly, and they do what they can to manage that, and experience tension between wanting to “save” their spouse, and wanting their spouse to be ok, which latter, superficially, often means them having their alcohol.

Person B is thus said to be “codependent”.

The problem with codependency

The problems of codependency are mainly twofold:

  1. The dependent partner’s dependency is enabled and thus perpetuated by the codependent partner—they might actually have to address their dependency, if it weren’t for their partner keeping them from too great a harm (be it financially, socially, psychologically, medically, whatever)
  2. The codependent partner is not having a good time of it either. They have the stress of two lives with the resources (e.g. time) of one. They are stressing about something they cannot control, understandably worrying about their loved one, and, worse: every action they might take to “save” their loved one by reducing the substance use, is an action that makes their partner unhappy, and causes conflict too.

Note: codependency is often a thing in romantic relationships, but it can appear in other relationships too, e.g. parent-child, or even between friends.

See also: Development and validation of a revised measure of codependency

How to deal with this

If you find yourself in a codependent position, or are advising someone who is, there are some key things that can help:

  • Be a nurturer, not a rescuer. It is natural to want to “rescue” someone we care about, but there are some things we cannot do for them. Instead, we must look for ways to build their strength so that they can take the steps that only they can take to fix the problem.
  • Establish boundaries. Practise saying “no”, and also be clear over what things you can and cannot control—and let go of the latter. Communicate this, though. An “I’m not the boss of you” angle can prompt a lot of people to take more personal responsibility.
  • Schedule time for yourself. You might take some ideas from our previous tangentially-related article:

How To Avoid Carer Burnout (Without Dropping Care)

Want to read more?

That’s all we have space for today, but here’s a very useful page with a lot of great resources (including questionnaires and checklist and things, in case you’re thinking “is it, or…?”)

Codependency: What Are The Signs & How To Overcome It

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  • 7 Fruits Every Senior Should Eat Today (And Why)

    10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.

    What will you prioritize in the new year?

    Fruits to enjoy regularly

    The 7 fruits recommended for seniors in this video are:

    Apples

    • Rich in soluble fiber (pectin) for lowering LDL cholesterol.
    • Contains phytochemicals such as quercetin and other polyphenols that reduce inflammation and support heart health.
    • High in vitamin C for immunity, skin elasticity, and joint health.

    Bananas

    • Natural energy boost from carbohydrates.
    • High in potassium for regulating blood pressure, fluid balance, and preventing muscle cramps.
    • Supports cardiovascular health and muscle function.

    Avocados

    • Rich in monounsaturated fats to improve cholesterol levels.
    • High in potassium for blood pressure regulation.
    • Contains vitamins E and K for brain health and bone density.

    Grapes

    • Hydrating and rich in antioxidants like resveratrol, which supports circulation and reduces inflammation.
    • Contain vitamins C and K for immunity and bone health.

    Plums

    • Natural laxative with high fiber and sorbitol for digestive health.
    • Rich in potassium and vitamin K for bone density and reducing osteoporosis risk.
    • Contain polyphenols for reducing inflammation and supporting cognitive health.

    Pomegranates

    • Anti-inflammatory and antioxidant-rich (especially punicalagins and anthocyanins).
    • Supports heart health, improves cholesterol levels, and promotes brain health.
    • May help inhibit cancer cell growth in specific types.

    Kiwi

    • High in vitamin C to boost immunity.
    • Rich in fiber and enzymes for digestive health.
    • Low glycemic index, suitable for blood sugar management.

    10almonds note: a lot of those statements can go for a lot of fruits, but those are definitely high on the list for the qualities mentioned!

    For more on all the above, enjoy:

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  • Chia Seeds vs Sunflower Seeds – Which is Healthier?

    10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.

    Our Verdict

    When comparing chia seeds to sunflower, we picked the chia.

    Why?

    It was close, and they both have their merits!

    In terms of macros, chia has more carbs and a lot more fiber, while sunflower has a little more protein and a lot more fat. While the fat (in the seeds, not processed seed oils!) is mostly healthy polyunsaturated fat in both cases, chia has a lot more omega-3. All in all, we’re calling it a win for chia on macros.

    In the category of vitamins, chia has more of vitmains B3 and C, while sunflower has ore of vitamins B1, B2, B9, and E. Thus, a win for sunflower seeds this time.

    When it comes to minerals, chia has more calcium, iron, magnesium, manganese, phosphorus, and selenium, while sunflower has more copper, potassium, and zinc. A 6:3 win for chia here.

    Adding up the sections makes for an overall win for chia, but by all means enjoy either or both; diversity is good!

    Want to learn more?

    You might like to read:

    The Tiniest Seeds With The Most Value: If You’re Not Taking Chia, You’re Missing Out!

    Take care!

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  • Some women’s breasts can’t make enough milk, and the effects can be devastating

    10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.

    Many new mothers worry about their milk supply. For some, support from a breastfeeding counsellor or lactation consultant helps.

    Others cannot make enough milk no matter how hard they try. These are women whose breasts are not physically capable of producing enough milk.

    Our recently published research gives us clues about breast features that might make it difficult for some women to produce enough milk. Another of our studies shows the devastating consequences for women who dream of breastfeeding but find they cannot.

    Some breasts just don’t develop

    Unlike other organs, breasts are not fully developed at birth. There are key developmental stages as an embryo, then again during puberty and pregnancy.

    At birth, the breast consists of a simple network of ducts. Usually during puberty, the glandular (milk-making) tissue part of the breast begins to develop and the ductal network expands. Then typically, further growth of the ductal network and glandular tissue during pregnancy prepares the breast for lactation.

    But our online survey of women who report low milk supply gives us clues to anomalies in how some women’s breasts develop.

    We’re not talking about women with small breasts, but women whose glandular tissue (shown in this diagram as “lobules”) is underdeveloped and have a condition called breast hypoplasia.

    Anatomical diagram of the breast
    Sometimes not enough glandular tissue, shown here as lobules, develop.
    Tsuyna/Shutterstock

    We don’t know how common this is. But it has been linked with lower rates of exclusive breastfeeding.

    We also don’t know what causes it, with much of the research conducted in animals and not humans.

    However, certain health conditions have been associated with it, including polycystic ovary syndrome and other endocrine (hormonal) conditions. A high body-mass index around the time of puberty may be another indicator.

    Could I have breast hypoplasia?

    Our survey and other research give clues about who may have breast hypoplasia.

    But it’s important to note these characteristics are indicators and do not mean women exhibiting them will definitely be unable to exclusively breastfeed.

    Indicators include:

    • a wider than usual gap between the breasts
    • tubular-shaped (rather than round) breasts
    • asymmetric breasts (where the breasts are different sizes or shapes)
    • lack of breast growth in pregnancy
    • a delay in or absence of breast fullness in the days after giving birth

    In our survey, 72% of women with low milk supply had breasts that did not change appearance during pregnancy, and about 70% reported at least one irregular-shaped breast.

    The effects

    Mothers with low milk supply – whether or not they have breast hyoplasia or some other condition that limits their ability to produce enough milk – report a range of emotions.

    Research, including our own, shows this ranges from frustration, confusion and surprise to intense or profound feelings of failure, guilt, grief and despair.

    Some mothers describe “breastfeeding grief” – a prolonged sense of loss or failure, due to being unable to connect with and nourish their baby through breastfeeding in the way they had hoped.

    These feelings of failure, guilt, grief and despair can trigger symptoms of anxiety and depression for some women.

    Tired, stress woman with hand over face
    Feelings of failure, guilt, grief and despair were common.
    Bricolage/Shutterstock

    One woman told us:

    [I became] so angry and upset with my body for not being able to produce enough milk.

    Many women’s emotions intensified when they discovered that despite all their hard work, they were still unable to breastfeed their babies as planned. A few women described reaching their “breaking point”, and their experience felt “like death”, “the worst day of [my] life” or “hell”.

    One participant told us:

    I finally learned that ‘all women make enough milk’ was a lie. No amount of education or determination would make my breasts work. I felt deceived and let down by all my medical providers. How dare they have no answers for me when I desperately just wanted to feed my child naturally.

    Others told us how they learned to accept their situation. Some women said they were relieved their infant was “finally satisfied” when they began supplementing with formula. One resolved to:

    prioritise time with [my] baby over pumping for such little amounts.

    Where to go for help

    If you are struggling with low milk supply, it can help to see a lactation consultant for support and to determine the possible cause.

    This will involve helping you try different strategies, such as optimising positioning and attachment during breastfeeding, or breastfeeding/expressing more frequently. You may need to consider taking a medication, such as domperidone, to see if your supply increases.

    If these strategies do not help, there may be an underlying reason why you can’t make enough milk, such as insufficient glandular tissue (a confirmed inability to make a full supply due to breast hypoplasia).

    Even if you have breast hypoplasia, you can still breastfeed by giving your baby extra milk (donor milk or formula) via a bottle or using a supplementer (which involves delivering milk at the breast via a tube linked to a bottle).

    More resources

    The following websites offer further information and support:

    Shannon Bennetts, a research fellow at La Trobe University, contributed to this article.The Conversation

    Renee Kam, PhD candidate and research officer, La Trobe University and Lisa Amir, Professor in Breastfeeding Research, La Trobe University

    This article is republished from The Conversation under a Creative Commons license. Read the original article.

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    Dr. Rachael Cook, an audiologist at Applied Hearing Solutions in Phoenix, Arizona, shares her professional insights into managing tinnitus.

    If you’re unfamiliar with Tinnitus, it is an auditory condition characterized by a ringing, buzzing, or humming sound, and ffects nearly 10% of the population. We’ve written on Tinnitus, and how it can disrupt your life, in this article.

    Key Triggers for Tinnitus

    Several everyday habits can make your tinnitus louder. Caffeine and nicotine increase blood pressure, restricting blood flow to the cochlea and worsening tinnitus. Common medications, such as pain relievers, high-dose antibiotics, and antidepressants, can also exacerbate tinnitus, especially with higher or long-term dosages.

    Impact of Diet and Sleep

    Dietary choices significantly impact tinnitus. Alcohol and salt alter the fluid balance in the cochlea, increasing tinnitus perception. Alcohol changes blood flow patterns and neurotransmitter production, while high salt intake has similar effects. Poor sleep quality elevates stress levels, making it harder to ignore tinnitus signals. Addressing sleep disorders like sleep apnea and insomnia can help manage tinnitus symptoms.

    Importance of Treating Hearing Loss

    Untreated hearing loss worsens tinnitus. Nearly 90% of individuals with tinnitus have some hearing loss. Hearing aids can reduce tinnitus perception by restoring missing sounds and reducing the brain’s internal compensatory signals. Combining hearing aids with sound therapy is said to provide even greater relief.

    Read more about hearing loss in our article on the topic.

    Otherwise, for a great guide on managing tinnitus, we recommend watching Dr. Cook’s video:

    Here’s hoping your ear’s aren’t ringing too much whilst watching the video!

    Don’t Forget…

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  • The Toe-Tapping Tip For Better Balance

    10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.

    Balance is critical for health especially in older age, since it’s amazing how much else can go dramatically and suddenly wrong after a fall. So, here’s an exercise to give great balance and stability:

    How to do it

    You will need:

    • Something to hold onto, such as a countertop
    • A target on the floor, such as a mark or a coin

    The steps:

    • Lift one leg up, bring your foot forward, and tap the object in front of you.
    • Then, bring that foot back to where it started.
    • Next, switch to the other leg and tap.
    • Alternate between your right and left legs, shifting back and forth.
    • Your goal is to do this for 10 repetitions on each leg without holding on.

    How it works:

    Whenever you tap, you have to lift one leg up and reach it out in front of you. Doing this requires you to stand on one leg while moving a weight (namely: your other leg), which is something many people, especially upon getting older, are hesitant to do. If you’re unable to stand on one leg, let alone move your center of gravity (per the counterbalance of the other leg) while doing so, you may end up shuffling and walking with your feet sliding across the ground—something you really want to avoid.

    For more on all of this plus a visual demonstration, enjoy:

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    Don’t Forget…

    Did you arrive here from our newsletter? Don’t forget to return to the email to continue learning!

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  • Walk Yourself Happy – by Dr. Julia Bradbury

    10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.

    Notwithstanding her (honorary) doctorate, Dr. Bradbury is not, in fact, a scientist. But…

    • She has a lot of experience walking all around the world, and her walking habit has seen her through all manner of things, from stress and anxiety to cancer and grief and more.
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    The writing style of this book is… Compelling. Honestly, the biggest initial barrier to you getting out of the door will be putting this book down first.If you have good self-discipline, you might make it last longer by treating yourself to a chapter per day

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    Click here to check out Walk Yourself Happy, and prepare for a new healthy habit!

    Don’t Forget…

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    Learn to Age Gracefully

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