Codependency Isn’t What Most People Think It Is

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Codependency isn’t what most people think it is

In popular parlance, people are often described as “codependent” when they rely on each other to function normally. That’s interdependent mutualism, and while it too can become a problem if a person is deprived of their “other half” and has no idea how to do laundry and does not remember to take their meds, it’s not codependency.

Codependency finds its origins in the treatment and management of alcoholism, and has been expanded to encompass other forms of relationships with dependence on substances and/or self-destructive behaviors—which can be many things, including the non-physical, for example a pattern of irresponsible impulse-spending, or sabotaging one’s own relationship(s).

We’ll use the simplest example, though:

  • Person A is (for example) an alcoholic. They have a dependency.
  • Person B, married to A, is not an alcoholic. However, their spouse’s dependency affects them greatly, and they do what they can to manage that, and experience tension between wanting to “save” their spouse, and wanting their spouse to be ok, which latter, superficially, often means them having their alcohol.

Person B is thus said to be “codependent”.

The problem with codependency

The problems of codependency are mainly twofold:

  1. The dependent partner’s dependency is enabled and thus perpetuated by the codependent partner—they might actually have to address their dependency, if it weren’t for their partner keeping them from too great a harm (be it financially, socially, psychologically, medically, whatever)
  2. The codependent partner is not having a good time of it either. They have the stress of two lives with the resources (e.g. time) of one. They are stressing about something they cannot control, understandably worrying about their loved one, and, worse: every action they might take to “save” their loved one by reducing the substance use, is an action that makes their partner unhappy, and causes conflict too.

Note: codependency is often a thing in romantic relationships, but it can appear in other relationships too, e.g. parent-child, or even between friends.

See also: Development and validation of a revised measure of codependency

How to deal with this

If you find yourself in a codependent position, or are advising someone who is, there are some key things that can help:

  • Be a nurturer, not a rescuer. It is natural to want to “rescue” someone we care about, but there are some things we cannot do for them. Instead, we must look for ways to build their strength so that they can take the steps that only they can take to fix the problem.
  • Establish boundaries. Practise saying “no”, and also be clear over what things you can and cannot control—and let go of the latter. Communicate this, though. An “I’m not the boss of you” angle can prompt a lot of people to take more personal responsibility.
  • Schedule time for yourself. You might take some ideas from our previous tangentially-related article:

How To Avoid Carer Burnout (Without Dropping Care)

Want to read more?

That’s all we have space for today, but here’s a very useful page with a lot of great resources (including questionnaires and checklist and things, in case you’re thinking “is it, or…?”)

Codependency: What Are The Signs & How To Overcome It

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  • Brain Power – by Michael Gelb & Kelly Howell

    10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.

    What’s most important when it comes to brain health? Is it the right diet? Supplements? Brain-training? Attitude? Sleep? Physical exercise? Social connections? Something else?

    This book covers a lot of bases, including all of the above and more. The authors are not scientists by training and this is not a book of science, so much as a book of aggregated science-based advice from other sources. The authors did consult with many scientists, and their input is shown throughout.

    In the category of criticism, nothing here goes very deeply into the science, and there’s also nothing you wouldn’t find we’ve previously written about in a 10almonds article somewhere. But all the same, it’s good to have a wide variety of brain-healthy advices all in one place.

    Bottom line: if you’re looking for a one-stop-shop “look after your brain as you age” guide, then this is a good one.

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  • Mimosa For Healing Your Body & Mind

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    Today we’re looking at mimosa (no relation to the cocktail!), which is a name given to several related plant species that belong to the same genus or general clade, look similar, and have similar properties and behavior.

    As a point of interest that’s not useful: mimosa is one of those plants whereby if you touch it, it’ll retract its leaves and shrink away from you. The leaves also droop at nighttime (perfectly healthily; they’re not wilting or anything; this too is just plant movement), and spring back up in the daytime.

    So that’s what we mean when we say “and behavior” 😉

    Antidepressant & anxiolytic

    Mimosa bark and leaves have long been used in Traditional Chinese Medicine, as well as (albeit different species) in the North-East of Brazil, and (again, sometimes different species) in Mexico.

    Animal studies, in vivo studies, and clinical practice in humans, have found this to be effective, for example:

    ❝[Mimosa pudica extract] has anti-anxiety, anti-depressant and memory enhancing activities that are mediated through multiple mechanisms❞

    Source: Effects of Mimosa pudica L. leaves extract on anxiety, depression and memory

    Research is ongoing with regard to how, exactly, mimosa does what it does. Here’s a paper about another species mimosa:

    Molecular basis and mechanism of action of Albizia julibrissin in depression treatment and clinical application of its formulae

    (notwithstanding the genus name, it’s still part of the mimosa clade)

    Anti-inflammatory & analgesic

    In this case, mimosa has traditionally been used as a topical tincture (for skin damage of many kinds, ranging from cuts and abrasions to burns to autoimmune conditions and more), so what does the science say about that?

    ❝In summary, the present study provided evidence that the [mimosa extract], its fractions and the isolated compound sakuranetin showed significant anti-inflammatory and antinociceptive activities❞

    Read in full: Antinoceptive and Anti-inflammatory Activities of the Ethanolic Extract, Fractions and Flavones Isolated from Mimosa tenuiflora (Willd.) Poir (Leguminosae)

    Wound healing

    About those various skin damages, here’s another application, and a study showing that it doesn’t just make it feel better, it actually helps it to heal, too:

    ❝Therapeutic effectiveness occurred in all patients of the extract group; after the 8th treatment week, ulcer size was reduced by 92% as mean value in this group, whereas therapeutic effectiveness was observed only in one patient of the control group (chi(2), p=0.0001). No side effects were observed in any patient in either group.❞

    Very compelling stats!

    Read more: Therapeutic effectiveness of a Mimosa tenuiflora cortex extract in venous leg ulceration treatment

    Is it safe?

    Yes, for most people, with some caveats:

    1. this one comes with a clear “don’t take if pregnant or breastfeeding” warning, as for unknown reasons it has caused a high incidence of fetal abnormalities or fetal death in animal studies.
    2. while the stem bark (the kind used in most mimosa supplements and most readily found online) has negligible psychoactivity, as do many species of mimosa in general, the root of M. tenuiflora has psychedelic effects similar to ayahuasca if taken orally, for example as a decoction, if in the presence of a monoamine oxidase inhibitor (MAOI), as otherwise MAO would metabolize the psychoactive component in the gut before it can enter the bloodstream.

    That’s several “ifs”, meaning that the chances of unwanted psychedelic effects are slim if you’re paying attention, but as ever, do check with your doctor/pharmacist to be sure.

    Want to try some?

    We don’t sell it, but here for your convenience is an example product on Amazon 😎

    Enjoy!

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  • The Joy of Movement – by Dr. Kelly McGonigal

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    We know that exercise is good for us. Obviously. We know that that exercise will make us feel good. In principle.

    So why is that exercise bike wearing the laundry instead, or the weights bench gathering dust?

    Dr. Kelly McGonigal explores our relationship with exercise, both the formal (organized, planned, exercise that looks like exercise) and the informal (ad hoc, casual, exercise that looks like just having a nice time).

    Moreover: she starts with the why, and moves to the how. The trick she plays on us here is to get us very fired up on the many tangible benefits that will make a big difference in all areas of our lives… And then shows us how easy it can be to unlock those, and how we can make it even easier.

    And as to making it stick? Exercise can be addictive, and/but it’s one of the few addictions that is almost always healthful rather than deleterious. And, there are tricks we can use to heighten that, thresholds that once we pass, we just keep going.

    She also looks at the evolutionary tendency of exercise to be connection-building, as part of a community, friend group, or couple.

    And, yes, she gives attention also to undertaking exercise when circumstances aren’t ideal, or our bodies simply won’t allow certain things.

    In short: if any book can get you shaking off the cobwebs, this is the one.

    Click here to check out The Joy Of Movement on Amazon today, and get your body moving!

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    Not everyone had the best of parents, and the harm done can last well beyond childhood. This book looks at healing that.

    Dr. Gibson talks about four main kinds of “difficult” parents, though of course they can overlap:

    1. The emotional parent, with their unpredictable outbursts
    2. The driven parent, with their projected perfectionism
    3. The passive parent, with their disinterest and unreliability
    4. The rejecting parent, with their unavailability and insults

    For all of them, it’s common that nothing we could do was ever good enough, and that leaves a deep scar. To add to it, the unfavorable dynamic often persists in adult life, assuming everyone involved is still alive and in contact.

    So, what to do about it? Dr. Gibson advocates for first getting a good understanding of what wasn’t right/normal/healthy, because it’s easy for a lot of us to normalize the only thing we’ve ever known. Then, beyond merely noting that no child deserved that lack of compassion, moving on to pick up the broken pieces one by one, and address each in turn.

    The style of the book is anecdote-heavy (case studies, either anonymized or synthesized per common patterns) in a way that will probably be all-too-relatable to a lot of readers (assuming that if you buy this book, it’s for a reason), science-moderate (references peppered into the text; three pages of bibliography), and practicality-dense—that is to say, there are lots of clear usable examples, there are self-assessment questionnaires, there are worksheets for now making progress forward, and so forth.

    Bottom line: if one or more of the parent types above strikes a chord with you, there’s a good chance you could benefit from this book.

    Click here to check out Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, and rebuild yourself!

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  • What you need to know about PCOS

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    In 2008, microbiologist Sasha Ottey saw her OB-GYN because she had missed some periods. The doctor ran blood tests and gave her an ultrasound, diagnosing her with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS). She also told her not to worry, referred her to an endocrinologist (a doctor who specializes in hormones), and told her to come back when she wanted to get pregnant. 

    “I found [that] quite dismissive because that was my reason for presenting to her,” Ottey tells PGN. “I felt that she was missing an opportunity to educate me on PCOS, and that was just not an accurate message: Missing periods can lead to other serious, life-threatening health conditions.” 

    During the consultation with the endocrinologist, Ottey was told to lose weight and come back in six months. “Again, I felt dismissed and left up to my own devices to understand this condition and how to manage it,” she says. 

    Following that experience, Ottey began researching and found that thousands of people around the world had similar experiences with their PCOS diagnoses, which led her to start and lead the advocacy and support organization PCOS Challenge

    PCOS is the most common hormonal condition affecting people with ovaries of reproductive age. In the United States, one in 10 women of childbearing age have the condition, which affects the endocrine and reproductive systems and is a common cause of infertility. Yet, the condition is significantly underdiagnosed—especially among people of color—and under-researched

    Read on to find out more about PCOS, what symptoms to look out for, what treatments are available, and useful resources. 

    What is PCOS, and what are its most common symptoms? 

    PCOS is a chronic hormonal condition that affects how the ovaries work. A hormonal imbalance causes people with PCOS to have too much testosterone, the male sex hormone, which can make their periods irregular and cause hirsutism (extra hair), explains Dr. Melanie Cree, associate professor at the University of Colorado School of Medicine and director of the Multi-Disciplinary PCOS clinic at Children’s Hospital Colorado. 

    This means that people can have excess facial or body hair or experience hair loss. 

    PCOS also impacts the relationship between insulin—the hormone released when we eat—and testosterone. 

    “In women with PCOS, it seems like their ovaries are sensitive to insulin, and so when their ovaries see insulin, [they] make extra testosterone,” Cree adds. “So things that affect insulin levels [like sugary drinks] can affect testosterone levels.”

    Other common symptoms associated with PCOS include:

    • Acne
    • Thinning hair
    • Skin tags or excess skin in the armpits or neck 
    • Ovaries with many cysts
    • Infertility
    • Anxiety, depression, and other mental health conditions
    • Sleep apnea, a condition where breathing stops and restarts while sleeping

    What causes PCOS?

    The cause is still unknown, but researchers have found that the condition is genetic and can be inherited. Experts have found that exposure to harmful chemicals like PFAs, which can be present in drinking water, and BPA, commonly used in plastics, can also increase the risk for PCOS

    Studies have shown that “BPA can change how the endocrine system develops in a developing fetus … and that women with PCOS tend to also have more BPA in their bodies,” adds Dr. Felice Gersh, an OB-GYN and founder and director of the Integrative Medical Group of Irvine, which treats patients with PCOS. 

    How is PCOS diagnosed?

    PCOS is diagnosed through a physical exam; a conversation with your health care provider about your symptoms and medical history; a blood test to measure your hormone levels; and, in some cases, an ultrasound to see your ovaries. 

    PCOS is what’s known as a “diagnosis of exclusion,” Ottey says, meaning that the provider must rule out other conditions, such as thyroid disease, before diagnosing it. 

    Why isn’t more known about PCOS?

    Research on PCOS has been scarce, underfunded, and narrowly focused. Research on the condition has largely focused on the reproductive system, Ottey says, even though it also affects many aspects of a person’s life, including their mental health, appearance, metabolism, and weight. 

    “There is the point of getting pregnant, and the struggle to get pregnant for so many people,” Ottey adds. “[And] once that happens, [the condition] also impacts your ability to carry a healthy pregnancy, to have healthy babies. But outside of that, your metabolic health is at risk from having PCOS, your mental health is at risk, [and] overall health and quality of life, they’re all impacted by PCOS.” 

    People with PCOS are more likely to develop other serious health issues, like high blood pressure, heart problems, high cholesterol, uterine cancer, and diabetes. Cree says that teenagers with PCOS and obesity have “an 18-fold higher risk of type 2 diabetes” in their teens and that teenagers who get type 2 diabetes are starting to die in their late 20s and early 30s. 

    What are some treatments for PCOS?

    There is still no single medication approved by the Food and Drug Administration specifically for PCOS, though advocacy groups like PCOS Challenge are working with the agency to incorporate patient experiences and testimonials into a possible future treatment. Treatment depends on what symptoms you experience and what your main concerns are.

    For now, treatment options include the following:

    • Birth control: Your provider may prescribe birth control pills to lower testosterone levels and regulate your menstrual cycle. 
    • Lifestyle changes: Because testosterone can affect insulin levels, Cree explains that regardless of a patient’s weight, a diet with lower simple carbohydrates (such as candy, sugar, sweets, juices, sodas, and coffee drinks) is recommended.

      “When you have a large amount of sugar like that, especially as a liquid, it gets into your bloodstream very quickly,” adds Cree. “And so you then release a ton of insulin that goes to the ovary, and you make a bunch of testosterone.” 


      More exercise is also recommended for both weight loss and weight maintenance, Cree says: “Food changes and better activity work directly to lower insulin, to lower testosterone.”


    • Metformin: Even though it’s a medication for type 2 diabetes, it’s used in patients with PCOS because it can reduce insulin levels, and as a result, lower testosterone levels. 

    What should I keep in mind if I have (or think I may have) PCOS?

    If your periods are irregular or you have acne, facial hair, or hair loss, tell your provider—it could be a sign that you have PCOS or another condition. And ask questions.

    “I call periods a vital sign for women, if you’re not taking hormones,” Cree says. “Our bodies are really smart: Periods are to get pregnant, and if our body senses that we’re not healthy enough to get pregnant, then we don’t have periods. That means we’ve got to figure out why.” 

    Once you’re diagnosed, Ottey recommends that you “don’t go through extremes, yo-yo dieting, or trying to achieve massive weight loss—it only rebounds.” 

    She adds that “when you get this diagnosis, [there’s] a lot that might feel like it’s being taken away from you: ‘Don’t do this. Don’t eat this. Don’t do that.’ But what I want everyone to think of is what brings you joy, and do more of that and incorporate a lot of healthy activities into your life.” 

    Resources for PCOS patients:

    For more information, talk to your health care provider.

    This article first appeared on Public Good News and is republished here under a Creative Commons license.

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  • How they did it: STAT reporters expose how ailing seniors suffer when Medicare Advantage plans use algorithms to deny care

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    In a call with a long-time source, what stood out most to STAT reporters Bob Herman and Casey Ross was just how viscerally frustrated and angry the source was about an algorithm used by insurance companies to decide how long patients should stay in a nursing home or rehab facility before being sent home.­

    The STAT stories had a far-reaching impact:

    • The U.S. Senate Committee on Homeland Security and Government Affairs took a rare step of launching a formal investigation into the use of algorithms by the country’s three largest Medicare Advantage insurers.
    • Thirty-two House members urged the Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services to increase the oversight of algorithms that health insurers use to make coverage decisions.
    • In a rare step, CMS launched its own investigation into UnitedHealth. It also stiffened its regulations on the use of proprietary algorithms and introduced plans to audit denials across Medicare Advantage plans in 2024.
    • Based on STAT’s reporting, Medicare Advantage beneficiaries filed two class-action lawsuits against UnitedHealth and its NaviHealth subsidiary, the maker of the algorithm, and against Humana, another major health insurance company that was also using the algorithm. 
    • Amid scrutiny, UnitedHealth renamed NaviHealth.

    The companies never allowed an on-the-record interview with their executives, but they acknowledged that STAT’s reporting was true, according to the news organization.

    Ross and Herman spoke with The Journalist’s Resource about their project and shared the following eight tips.

    1. Search public comments on proposed federal rules to find sources.

    Herman and Ross knew that the Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services had put out a request for public comments, asking stakeholders within the Medicare Advantage industry how the system could improve.

    There are two main ways to get Medicare coverage: original Medicare, which is a fee-for-service health plan, and Medicare Advantage, which is a type of Medicare health plan offered by private insurance companies that contract with Medicare. Medicare Advantage plans have increasingly become popular in recent years.

    Under the Social Security Act, the public has the opportunity to submit comments on Medicare’s proposed national coverage determinations. CMS uses public comments to inform its proposed and final decisions. It responds in detail to all public comments when issuing a final decision.

    The reporters began combing through hundreds of public comments attached to a proposed Medicare Advantage rule that was undergoing federal review. NaviHealth, the UnitedHealth subsidiary and the maker of the algorithm, came up in many of the comments, which include the submitters’ information.

    “These are screaming all-caps comments to federal regulators about YOU NEED TO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS BECAUSE IT’S DISGUSTING,” Ross says.

    “The federal government is proposing rules and regulations all the time,” adds Herman, STAT’s business of health care reporter. “If someone’s going to take the time and effort to comment on them, they must have at least some knowledge of what’s going on. It’s just a great tool for any journalist to use to figure out more and who to contact.”

    The reporters also found several attorneys who had complained in the comments. They began reaching out to them, eventually gaining access to confidential documents and intermediaries who put them in touch with patients to show the human impact of the algorithm.

    2. Harness the power of the reader submission box.

    At the suggestion of an editor, the reporters added a reader submission box at the bottom of their first story, asking them to share their own experiences with Medicare Advantage denials.

    The floodgates opened. Hundreds of submissions arrived.

    By the end of their first story, Herman and Ross had confidential records and some patients, but they had no internal sources in the companies they were investigating, including Navihealth. The submission box led them to their first internal source.

    (Screenshot of STAT’s submission box.)

    The journalists also combed through LinkedIn and reached out to former and current employees, but the response rate was much lower than what they received via the submission box.

    The submission box “is just right there,” Herman says. “People who would want to reach out to us can do it right then and there after they read the story and it’s fresh in their minds.”

    3. Mine podcasts relevant to your story.

    The reporters weren’t sure if they could get interviews with some of the key figures in the story, including Tom Scully, the former head of the Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services who drew up the initial plans for NaviHealth years before UnitedHealth acquired it.

    But Herman and another colleague had written previously about Scully’s private equity firm and they had found a podcast where he talked about his work. So Herman went back to the podcast — where he discovered Scully had also discussed NaviHealth.

    The reporters also used the podcast to get Scully on the phone for an interview.

    “So we knew we had a good jumping off point there to be like, ‘OK, you’ve talked about NaviHealth on a podcast, let’s talk about this,’” Herman says. “I think that helped make him more willing to speak with us.”

    4. When covering AI initiatives, proceed with caution.

    “A source of mine once said to me, ‘AI is not magic,’” Ross says. “People need to just ask questions about it because AI has this aura about it that it’s objective, that it’s accurate, that it’s unquestionable, that it never fails. And that is not true.”

    AI is not a neutral, objective machine, Ross says. “It’s based on data that’s fed into it and people need to ask questions about that data.”

    He suggests several questions to ask about the data behind AI tools:

    • Where does the data come from?
    • Who does it represent?
    • How is this tool being applied?
    • Do the people to whom the tool is being applied match the data on which it was trained? “If racial groups or genders or age of economic situations are not adequately represented in the training set, then there can be an awful lot of bias in the output of the tool and how it’s applied,” Ross says.
    • How is the tool applied within the institution? Are people being forced to forsake their judgment and their own ability to do their jobs to follow the algorithm?

    5. Localize the story.

    More than half of all Medicare beneficiaries have Medicare Advantage and there’s a high likelihood that there are multiple Medicare Advantage plans in every county across the nation.

    “So it’s worth looking to see how Medicare Advantage plans are growing in your area,” Herman says.

    Finding out about AI use will most likely rely on shoe-leather reporting of speaking with providers, nursing homes and rehab facilities, attorneys and patients in your community, he says. Another source is home health agencies, which may be caring for patients who were kicked out of nursing homes and rehab facilities too soon because of a decision by an algorithm.

    The anecdote that opens their first story involves a small regional health insurer in Wisconsin, which was using NaviHealth and a contractor to manage post-acute care services, Ross says.

    “It’s happening to people in small communities who have no idea that this insurer they’ve signed up with is using this tool made by this other company that operates nationally,” Ross says.

    There are also plenty of other companies like NaviHealth that are being used by Medicare Advantage plans, Herman says. “So it’s understanding which Medicare Advantage plans are being sold in your area and then which post-acute management companies they’re using,” he adds.

    Some regional insurers have online documents that show which contractors they use to evaluate post-acute care services.

    6. Get familiar with Medicare’s appeals databases

    Medicare beneficiaries can contest Medicare Advantage denials through a five-stage process, which can last months to years. The appeals can be filed via the Office of Medicare Hearings and Appeals.

    “Between 2020 and 2022, the number of appeals filed to contest Medicare Advantage denials shot up 58%, with nearly 150,000 requests to review a denial filed in 2022, according to a federal database,” Ross and Herman write in their first story. “Federal records show most denials for skilled nursing care are eventually overturned, either by the plan itself or an independent body that adjudicates Medicare appeals.”

    There are several sources to find appeals data. Be mindful that the cases themselves are not public to protect patient privacy, but you can find the number of appeals filed and the rationale for decisions.

    CMS has two quality improvement organizations, or QIOs, Livanta and Kepro, which are required to file free, publicly-available annual reports, about the cases they handle, Ross says.

    Another company, Maximus, a Quality Improvement Contractor, also files reports on prior authorization cases it adjudicates for Medicare. The free annual reports include data on raw numbers of cases and basic information about the percentage denials either overturned or upheld on appeal, Ross explains.

    CMS also maintains its own database on appeals for Medicare Part C (Medicare Advantage plans) and Part D, which covers prescription drugs, although the data is not complete, Ross explains.

    7. Give your editor regular updates.

    “Sprinkle the breadcrumbs in front of your editors,” Ross says.

    “If you wrap your editors in the process, you’re more likely to be able to get to the end of [the story] before they say, ‘That’s it! Give me your copy,’” Ross says.

    8. Get that first story out.

    “You don’t have to know everything before you write that first story,” Ross says. “Because with that first story, if it has credibility and it resonates with people, sources will come forward and sources will continue to come forward.”

    Read the stories

    Denied by AI: How Medicare Advantage plans use algorithms to cut off care for seniors in need

    How UnitedHealth’s acquisition of a popular Medicare Advantage algorithm sparked internal dissent over denied care

    UnitedHealth pushed employees to follow an algorithm to cut off Medicare patients’ rehab care

    UnitedHealth used secret rules to restrict rehab care for seriously ill Medicare Advantage patients

    This article first appeared on The Journalist’s Resource and is republished here under a Creative Commons license.

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