Who Initiates Sex & Why It Matters

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In an ideal world, it wouldn’t matter any more than who first says “let’s get something to eat” when hungry. But in reality, it can cause serious problems on both sides:

Fear and loathing?

The person who initiates gets the special prize of an n% chance of experiencing rejection, and then what? Try again, and again, and risk seeming pushy? Or leave the ball in the other person’s court, where it may then go untouched for the next few months, because (in the most positive scenario) they were waiting for you to initiate at a better time for them?

The person who does not initiate, and/but does not want sex at that time, gets the special prize of either making their partner feel unwanted, insecure, and perhaps unloved, or else grudgingly consenting to sex that’s going to be no fun while your heart’s not in it, and thus create the same end result plus you had an extra bad experience?

So, that sucks all around:

  • Initiating touch (sex or cuddling) can feel like a test of being wanted, whereupon a lack of initiation or response may be misinterpreted as a lack of love or appreciation.
  • Meanwhile, non-reciprocation might stem from exhaustion or unrelated issues. For many, it’s a physiological lottery.

10almonds note: not discussed in this video, but for many couples, problems can also arise because one partner or another just isn’t showing up with the expected physical signs of physiological arousal, so even if they say (and mean!) an enthusiastic “yes”, their body’s signs get misread as a “not really, though”, resulting in one partner feeling rejected, and both feeling inadequate—on account of something that was completely unrelated to how the person actually felt about the prospect of sex*.

*Sometimes, physiological arousal will simply not accompany psychological arousal, no matter how sincere the latter. And on the flipside, sometimes the signs of physiological arousal will just show up without psychological arousal. The human body is just like that sometimes. We all must listen to our partners’ words, not their genitals!

The solution to this problem is thus the same as the solution to the rest of the problem that is discussed in the video, and it’s: good communication.

That can be easier said than done, of course—not everyone is at their most eloquent in such situations! Which is why it can be important to have those conversations first outside of the bedroom when the stakes are low/non-existent.

Even with the best communication, a more general, overarching non-reciprocity (real or perceived) of sexual desire can cause bitterness, resentment, and can ultimately be relationship-ending if a resolution that’s acceptable to everyone involved is not found.

Ultimately, the work as a couple must begin from within as individuals—addressing self-worth issues to better navigate love and intimacy.

For more on all of this, enjoy:

Click Here If The Embedded Video Doesn’t Load Automatically!

Want to learn more?

You might also like to read:

Relationships: When To Stick It Out & When To Call It Quits

Take care!

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  • Does Your Butt…Wink?

    10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.

    What is a Butt Wink?

    A “butt wink” is a common issue that occurs during squatting exercises.

    Now, we’ve talked about the benefits of squatting countless times (see here or here for just a few examples). As with all exercises, using the correct technique is imperative, helping to both reduce injury and maximize gain.

    Given butt winks are a common issue when squatting, we thought it natural to devote an article to it.

    So, a butt wink happens when, at the bottom of your squat position, your pelvis tucks rotates backward (otherwise known as a “posterior pelvic tilt”) and the lower back rounds. This motion looks like a slight ‘wink’, hence the name.

    How to Avoid Butt Winking

    When the pelvis tucks under and the spine rounds, it can put undue pressure on the lumbar discs. This is especially risky when squatting with weights, as it can exacerbate the stress on the spine.

    To avoid a butt wink, it’s important to maintain a neutral spine throughout the squat and to work on flexibility and strength in the hips, glutes, and hamstrings. Adjusting the stance width or foot angle during squats can also help in maintaining proper form.

    A visual representation would likely work better than our attempt at describing what to do, so without further ado, here’s today’s video:

    How was the video? If you’ve discovered any great videos yourself that you’d like to share with fellow 10almonds readers, then please do email them to us!

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  • Lemon vs Lime – Which is Healthier?

    10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.

    Our Verdict

    When comparing lemons to limes, we picked the lemons.

    Why?

    This one’s simple today. They’re both comparable fruits in most ways, and their macro profiles are almost identical. When it comes to vitamins, however, they stand apart a little.

    Both are most well-known for their vitamin C content, but lemons contain about 2x the vitamin C of limes.

    In other vitamins, they’re not too far apart. Technically limes have 2x the vitamin A, but this doesn’t count for much because it’s a case of “two times almost nothing is still almost nothing”.

    In the category of minerals, neither fruit is a very good source of most minerals, and the minerals they do have, are mostly more or less the same.

    Both are acidic, and this can have blood sugar benefits in both cases (and, if not careful, damage tooth enamel in both cases). Nothing to set either apart from the other here.

    So, it comes down to the vitamin C! In which category, lemons take the prize with their higher content.

    Want to learn more?

    You might like to read:

    10 Ways To Balance Blood Sugars ← where it talks about the use of vinegar here, it’s about the acidity, so lemon juice or lime juice is an option too!

    Take care!

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  • Want the health benefits of strength training but not keen on the gym? Try ‘exercise snacking’

    10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.

    The science is clear: resistance training is crucial to ageing well. Lifting weights (or doing bodyweight exercises like lunges, squats or push-ups) can help you live independently for longer, make your bones stronger, reduce your risk of diseases such as diabetes, and may even improve your sleep and mental health.

    But not everyone loves the gym. Perhaps you feel you’re not a “gym person” and never will be, or you’re too old to start. Being a gym-goer can be expensive and time-consuming, and some people report feeling unwelcome or awkward at the gym.

    The good news is you don’t need the gym, or lots of free time, to get the health benefits resistance training can offer.

    You can try “exercise snacking” instead.

    Pressmaster/Shutterstock

    What is exercise snacking?

    Exercise snacking involves doing multiple shorter bouts (as little as 20 seconds) of exercise throughout the day – often with minimal or no equipment. It’s OK to have several hours of rest between.

    You could do simple bodyweight exercises such as:

    • chair sit-to-stand (squats)
    • lunges
    • box step-ups
    • calf raises
    • push-ups.

    Exercise snacking like this can help improve muscle mass, strength and physical function.

    It’s OK to hold onto a nearby object for balance, if you need. And doing these exercises regularly will also improve your balance. That, in turn, reduces your risk of falls and fractures.

    OK I have done all those, now what?

    Great! You can also try using resistance bands or dumbbells to do the previously mentioned five exercises as well as some of the following exercises:

    When using resistance bands, make sure you hold them tightly and that they’re securely attached to an immovable object.

    Exercise snacking works well when you pair it with an activity you do often throughout the day. Perhaps you could:

    • do a few extra squats every time you get up from a bed or chair
    • do some lunges during a TV ad break
    • chuck in a few half squats while you’re waiting for your kettle to boil
    • do a couple of elevated push-ups (where you support your body with your hands on a chair or a bench while doing the push-up) before tucking into lunch
    • sneak in a couple of calf raises while you’re brushing your teeth.
    A man does weighted lunges in his lounge room.
    Exercise snacking involves doing multiple shorter bouts (as little as 20 seconds) of exercise throughout the day. Cavan-Images/Shutterstock

    What does the evidence say about exercise snacking?

    One study had older adults without a history of resistance training do exercise snacks at home twice per day for four weeks.

    Each session involved five simple bodyweight exercises (chair sit-to-stand, seated knee extension, standing knee bends, marching on the spot, and standing calf raises). The participants did each exercise continuously for one minute, with a one-minute break between exercises.

    These short and simple exercise sessions, which lasted just nine minutes, were enough to improve a person’s ability to stand up from a chair by 31% after four weeks (compared to a control group who didn’t exercise). Leg power and thigh muscle size improved, too.

    Research involving one of us (Jackson Fyfe) has also shown older adults found “exercise snacking” feasible and enjoyable when done at home either once, twice, or three times per day for four weeks.

    Exercise snacking may be a more sustainable approach to improve muscle health in those who don’t want to – or can’t – lift heavier weights in a gym.

    A little can yield a lot

    We know from other research that the more you exercise, the more likely it is you will keep exercising in future.

    Very brief resistance training, albeit with heavier weights, may be more enjoyable than traditional approaches where people aim to do many, many sets.

    We also know brief-and-frequent exercise sessions can break up periods of sedentary behaviour (which usually means sitting too much). Too much sitting increases your risk of chronic diseases such as diabetes, whereas exercise snacking can help keep your blood sugar levels steady.

    Of course, longer-term studies are needed. But the evidence we do have suggests exercise snacking really helps.

    An older Asian man lifts weights at home.
    Just a few short exercise sessions can do you a world of good. eggeegg/Shutterstock

    Why does any of this matter?

    As you age, you lose strength and mass in the muscles you use to walk, or stand up. Everyday tasks can become a struggle.

    All this contributes to disability, hospitalisation, chronic disease, and reliance on community and residential aged care support.

    By preserving your muscle mass and strength, you can:

    • reduce joint pain
    • get on with activities you enjoy
    • live independently in your own home
    • delay or even eliminate the need for expensive health care or residential aged care.

    What if I walk a lot – is that enough?

    Walking may maintain some level of lower body muscle mass, but it won’t preserve your upper body muscles.

    If you find it difficult to get out of a chair, or can only walk short distances without getting out of breath, resistance training is the best way to regain some of the independence and function you’ve lost.

    It’s even more important for women, as muscle mass and strength are typically lower in older women than men. And if you’ve been diagnosed with osteoporosis, which is more common in older women than men, resistance exercise snacking at home can improve your balance, strength, and bone mineral density. All of this reduces the risk of falls and fractures.

    You don’t need heavy weights or fancy equipment to benefit from resistance training.

    So, will you start exercise snacking today?

    Justin Keogh, Associate Dean of Research, Faculty of Health Sciences and Medicine, Bond University and Jackson Fyfe, Senior Lecturer, Strength and Conditioning Sciences, Deakin University

    This article is republished from The Conversation under a Creative Commons license. Read the original article.

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Related Posts

  • How to Permanently Loosen a Tight Psoas
  • Singledom & Healthy Longevity

    10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.

    Statistically, those who live longest, do so in happy, fulfilling, committed relationships.

    Note: happy, fulfilling, committed relationships. Less than that won’t do. Your insurance company might care about your marital status for its own sake, but your actual health doesn’t—it’s about the emotional safety and security that a good, healthy, happy, fulfilling relationship offers.

    We wrote about this here:

    Only One Kind Of Relationship Promotes Longevity This Much!

    But that’s not the full story

    For a start, while being in a happy fulfilling committed relationship statistically adds healthy life years, being in a relationship that falls short of those adjectives certainly does not. See also:

    Relationships: When To Stick It Out & When To Call It Quits

    But also, life satisfaction steadily improves with age, for single people (the results are more complicated for partnered people—probably because of the range of difference in quality of relationships). At least, this held true in this large (n=6,188) study of people aged 40–85 years:

    ❝With advancing age, partnership status became less predictive of loneliness and the satisfaction with being single increased. Among later-born cohorts, the association between partnership status and loneliness was less strong than among earlier-born cohorts. Later-born single people were more satisfied with being single than their earlier-born counterparts.❞

    Source: The Changing Relationship Between Partnership Status and Loneliness: Effects Related to Aging and Historical Time

    Note that this does mean that while life satisfaction indeed improves with age for single people, that’s a generalized trend, and the greatest life satisfaction within this set of singles comes hand-in-hand with being single by choice rather than by perceived obligation, i.e., those who are “single and not looking” will generally be the most content, and this contentedness will improve with age, but for those who are “single and looking”, in that case it’s the younger people who have it better, likely due to a greater sense of having plenty of time.

    For that matter, gender plays a role; this large survey of singles found that (despite the popular old pop-up ads advising that “older women in your area are looking to date”), in reality older single women were the least likely to actively look for a partner:

    See: A Profile Of Single Americans

    …which also shows that about half of single Americans are “not looking”, and of those who are, about half are open to a serious relationship, though this is more common under the age of 40, while being over the age of 40 sees more people looking only for something casual.

    Take-away from this section: being single only decreases life satisfaction if one doesn’t enjoy being single, and even then, and increases it if one does enjoy being single.

    But that’s about life satisfaction, not longevity

    We found no studies specifically into longevity of singledom, only the implications that may be drawn from the longevity of partnered people.

    However, there is a lot of research that shows it’s not being single that kills, it’s being socially isolated. It’s a function of neurodegeneration from a lack of conversation, and it’s a function of what happens when someone slips in the shower and is found a week later. Things like that.

    For example: Is Living Alone “Aging Alone”? Solitary Living, Network Types, and Well-Being

    What if you are alone and don’t want to be?

    We’ve not, at time of writing, written dating advice in our Psychology Sunday section, but this writer’s advice is: don’t even try.

    That’s not nihilism or even cynicism, by the way; it’s actually a kind of optimism. The trick is just to let them come to you.

    (sample size of one here, but this writer has never looked for a relationship in her life, they’ve always just found me, and now that I’m widowed and intend to remain single, I still get offers—and no, I’m not a supermodel, nor rich, nor anything like that)

    Simply: instead of trying to find a partner, just work on expanding your social relationships in general (which is much easier, because the process is something you can control, whereas the outcome of trying to find a suitable partner is not), and if someone who’s right for you comes along, great! If not, then well, at least you have a flock of friends now, and who knows what new unexpected romance may lie around the corner.

    As for how to do that,

    How To Beat Loneliness & Isolation

    Take care!

    Don’t Forget…

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    Learn to Age Gracefully

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  • Apple vs Peach – Which is Healthier?

    10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.

    Our Verdict

    When comparing apples to peaches, we picked the peaches.

    Why?

    Both have their merits, but apples can’t compete with peaches’ micronutrient profile!

    In terms of macros, apples have more carbs and fiber, for a comparable glycemic index, so we give apples a marginal win in the macros category to start with.

    In the category of vitamins, apples have more vitamin B6, while peaches have more of vitamins A, B1, B2, B3, B5, B7, B9, C, E, K, and choline—an easy win for peaches.

    When it comes to minerals, apples are not higher in any minerals, while peaches have more calcium, copper, iron, magnesium, manganese, phosphorus, potassium, selenium, and zinc. Another clear win for peaches!

    Looking at polyphenols, peaches have a higher total amount (in mg/100g) of polyphenols, as well as more variety thereof. One more win for peaches.

    Adding up the sections makes for a clear win for peaches, but by all means enjoy either or both; diversity is good!

    Want to learn more?

    You might like:

    Top 8 Fruits That Prevent & Kill Cancer ← peaches are number 2 on the list! They contain phytochemicals that induce cell death in cancer cells while sparing healthy ones 😎

    Enjoy!

    Don’t Forget…

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    Learn to Age Gracefully

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  • Stevia vs Acesulfame Potassium – Which is Healthier?

    10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.

    Our Verdict

    When comparing stevia to acesulfame potassium, we picked the stevia.

    Why?

    You may be wondering: is acesulfame potassium a good source of potassium?

    And the answer is: no, it is not. Obviously, it does contain potassium, but let’s do some math here:

    • Acesulfame potassium is 200x sweeter than sugar
    • Therefore replacing a 15g teaspoon of sugar = 75mg acesulfame potassium
    • Acesulfame potassium’s full name is “potassium 6-methyl-2,2-dioxo-2H-1,2λ6,3-oxathiazin-4-olate”
    • That’s just one potassium atom in there with a lot of other stuff
    • Acesulfame potassium has a molar mass of 201.042 g/mol
    • Potassium itself has a molar mass of 39.098 g/mol
    • Therefore acesulfame potassium is 100(39.098/201.042) = 19.45% potassium by mass
    • So that 75mg of acesulfame potassium contains just under 15mg of potassium, which is less than 0.5% of your recommended daily amount of potassium. Please consider eating a fruit instead.

    So, that’s that, and the rest of the nutritional values of both sweeteners are just a lot of zeros.

    What puts stevia ahead? Simply, based on studies available so far, moderate consumption of stevia improves gut microdiversity, whereas acesulfame potassium harms gut microdiversity:

    Want to give stevia a try?

    Here’s an example product on Amazon

    Enjoy!

    Don’t Forget…

    Did you arrive here from our newsletter? Don’t forget to return to the email to continue learning!

    Learn to Age Gracefully

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