How To Avoid Carer Burnout

Sometimes in life we find ourselves in a caregiving role.

Maybe we chose it. For example, by becoming a professional carer, or even just by being a parent.

Oftentimes we didn’t. Sometimes because our own parents now need care from us, or because a partner becomes disabled.

Philosophical note: an argument could be made for that latter also having been a pre-emptive choice; we probably at some point said words to the effect of “in sickness and in health”, hopefully with free will, and hopefully meant it. And of course, sometimes we enter into a relationship with someone who is already disabled.

But, we are not a philosophy publication, and will henceforth keep to the practicalities.

First: are you the right person?

Sometimes, a caregiving role might fall upon you unasked-for, and it’s worth considering whether you are really up for it. Are you in a position to be that caregiver? Do you want to be that caregiver?

It may be that you do, and would actively fight off anyone or anything that tried to stop you. If so, great, now you only need to make sure that you are actually in a position to provide the care in question.

It may be that you do want to, but your circumstances don’t allow you to do as good a job of it as you’d like, or it means you have to drop other responsibilities, or you need extra help. We’ll cover these things later.

It may be that you don’t want to, but you feel obliged, or “have to”. If that’s the case, it will be better for everyone if you acknowledge that, and find someone else to do it. Nobody wants to feel a burden, and nobody wants someone providing care to be resentful of that. The result of such is two people being miserable; that’s not good for anyone. Better to give the job to someone who actually wants to (a professional, if necessary).

So, be honest (first with yourself, then with whoever may be necessary) about your own preferences and situation, and take steps to ensure you’re only in a caregiving role that you have the means and the will to provide.

Second: are you out of your depth?

Some people have had a life that’s prepared them for being a carer. Maybe they worked in the caring profession, maybe they have always been the family caregiver for one reason or another.

Yet, even if that describes you… Sometimes someone’s care needs may be beyond your abilities. After all, not all care needs are equal, and someone’s condition can (and more often than not, will) deteriorate.

So, learn. Learn about the person’s condition(s), medications, medical equipment, etc. If you can, take courses and such. The more you invest in your own development in this regard, the more easily you will handle the care, and the less it will take out of you.

And, don’t be afraid to ask for help. Maybe the person knows their condition better than you, and certainly there’s a good chance they know their care needs best. And certainly, there are always professionals that can be contacted to ask for advice.

Sometimes, a team effort may be required, and there’s no shame in that either. Whether it means enlisting help from family/friends or professionals, sometimes “many hands make light work”.

Check out: Caregiver Action Network: Organizations Near Me

A very good resource-hub for help, advice, & community

Third: put your own oxygen mask on first

Like the advice to put on one’s own oxygen mask first before helping others (in the event of a cabin depressurization in an airplane), the rationale is the same here. You can’t help others if you are running on empty yourself.

As a carer, sometimes you may have to put someone else’s needs above yours, both in general and in the moment. But, you do have needs too, and cannot neglect them (for long).

One sleepless night looking after someone else is… a small sacrifice for a loved one, perhaps. But several in a row starts to become unsustainable.

Sometimes it will be necessary to do the best you can, and accept that you cannot do everything all the time.

There’s a saying amongst engineers that applies here too: “if you don’t schedule time for maintenance, your equipment will schedule it for you”.

In other words: if you don’t give your body rest, your body will break down and oblige you to rest. Please be aware this goes for mental effort too; your brain is just another organ.

So, plan ahead, schedule breaks, find someone to take over, set up your cared-for-person with the resources to care for themself as well as possible (do this anyway, of course—independence is generally good so far as it’s possible), and make the time/effort to get you what you need for you. Sleep, distraction, a change of scenery, whatever it may be.

Lastly: what if it’s you?

If you’re reading this and you’re the person who has the higher care needs, then firstly:all strength to you. You have the hardest job here; let’s not forget that.

About that independence: well-intentioned people may forget that, so don’t be afraid to remind them when “I would prefer to do that myself”. Maintaining independence is generally good for the health, even if sometimes it is more work for all concerned than someone else doing it for you. The goal, after all, is your wellbeing, so this shouldn’t be cast aside lightly.

On the flipside: you don’t have to be strong all the time; nobody should.

Being disabled can also be quite isolating (this is probably not a revelation to you), so if you can find community with other people with the same or similar condition(s), even if it’s just online, that can go a very, very long way to making things easier. Both practically, in terms of sharing tips, and psychologically, in terms of just not feeling alone.

See also: How To Beat Loneliness & Isolation

There are many personality-typing systems that, with varying degrees of validity*, aim to describe a person’s personality.

*and often pseudoscience:

• sometimes obviously so like astrology
• sometimes dressed up in clinical words like the Meyers-Briggs
• sometimes openly, per “this is not science but you may find it useful to frame things this way”, like the Enneagram

There is currently one kind of personality-typing system (with some minor variations) that is used in the actual field of clinical psychology, specifically under the umbrella of “trait theory”, and that is…

The “Big Five” personality traits

Also called the OCEAN or CANOE model, based on its 5 components:

• openness to experience: inventive/curious rather than consistent/cautious
• conscientiousness: efficient/organized rather than extravagant/careless
• extroversion: outgoing/energetic rather than solitary/reserved
• agreeableness: friendly/compassionate rather than critical/judgmental
• neuroticism: sensitive/nervous rather than resilient/confident

The latter (neuroticism) is not to be confused with neurosis, which is very different and beyond the scope of today’s article.

Note that some of these seem more positive/negative than others at a glance, but really, any of these could be a virtue or a vice depending on specifics or extremity.

For scientific reference, here’s an example paper:

The Big Five Personality Factors and Personal Values

Quick self-assessment

There are of course many lengthy questionnaires for this, but in the interests of expediency:

Take a moment to rate yourself as honestly as you can, on a scale of 1–10, for each of those components, with 10 being highest for the named trait.

For example, this writer gives herself: O7, C6, E3, A8, N2 (in other words I’d say I’m fairly open, moderately conscientious, on the reserved side, quite agreeable, and quite resilient)

Now, put your rating aside (in your phone’s notes app is fine, if you hadn’t written it down already) and forget about it for the moment, because we want you to do the next exercise from scratch.

Who would you be, at your best?

Now imagine your perfect idealized self, the best you could ever be, with no constraints.

Take a moment to rate your idealized self’s personality, on a scale of 1–10, for each of those components, with 10 being highest for the named trait.

For example, this writer picks: O9, C10, E5, A8, N1.

Maybe this, or maybe your own idealized self’s personality, will surprise you. That some traits might already be perfect for you already; others might just be nudged a little here or there; maybe there’s some big change you’d like. Chances are you didn’t go for a string of 10s or 1s (though if you did, you do you; there are no wrong answers here as this one is about your preferences).

We become who we practice being

There are some aspects of personality that can naturally change with age. For example:

• confidence/resilience will usually gradually increase with age due to life experience (politely overlook teenagers’ bravado; they are usually a bundle of nerves inside, resulting in the overcompensatory displays of confidence)
• openness to experience may decrease with age, as we can get into a rut of thinking/acting a certain way, and/or simply consciously decide that our position on something is already complete and does not need revision.

But, we can decide for ourselves how to nudge our “Big Five” traits, for example:

1. We can make a point of seeking out new experiences, and considering new ideas, or develop strategies for reining ourselves in
2. We can use systems to improve our organization, or go out of our way to introduce a little well-placed chaos
3. We can “put ourselves out there” socially, or make the decision to decline more social invitations because we simply don’t want to
4. We can make a habit of thinking kindly of others and ourselves, or we can consciously detach ourselves and look on the cynical side more
5. We can build on our strengths and eliminate our weaknesses, or lean into uncomfortable emotions

Some of those may provoke a “why would anyone want to…?” response, but the truth is we are all different. An artist and a police officer may have very different goals for who they want to be as a person, for example.

Interventions to change personality can and do work:

A systematic review of personality trait change through intervention

There are many ways to go about “being the change we want to see” in ourselves, and yes there can be a degree of “fake it until you make it” if that works for you, but it doesn’t have to be so. It can also simply be a matter of setting yourself reminders about the things that are most important to you.

Writer’s example: pinned above my digital workspace I have a note from my late beloved, written just under a week before death. The final line reads, “keep being the good person that you are” (on a human level, the whole note is uplifting and soothing to me and makes me smile and remember the love we shared; or to put it in clinical terms, it promotes high agreeableness, low neuroticism).

Other examples could be a daily practice of gratitude (promotes lower neuroticism), or going out of your way to speak to your neighbors (promotes higher extraversion), signing up for a new educational course (promotes higher openness) or downloading a budgeting app (promotes higher conscientiousness).

In short: be the person you want to be, and be that person deliberately, because you can.

Some resources that may help for each of the 5 traits:

1. Curiosity Kills The Neurodegeneration
2. How (And Why) To Train Your Pre-Frontal Cortex
3. How To Beat Loneliness & Isolation
4. Optimism Seriously Increases Longevity!
5. Building Psychological Resilience (Without Undue Hardship)

Take care!