Self-Compassion In A Relationship (Positives & Pitfalls)
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Practise Self-Compassion In Your Relationship (But Watch Out!)
Let’s make clear up-front: this is not about “…but not too much”.
With that in mind…
Now let’s set the scene: you, a happily-partnered person, have inadvertently erred and upset your partner. They may or may not have already forgiven you, but you are still angry at yourself.
Likely next steps include all or any of:
- continuing to apologise and try to explain
- self-deprecatory diatribes
- self-flagellation, probably not literally but in the sense of “I don’t deserve…” and acting on that feeling
- self-removal, because you don’t want to further inflict your bad self on your partner
As you might guess, these are quite varied in their degree of healthiness:
- apologising is good, as even is explaining, but once it’s done, it’s done; let it go
- self-deprecation is pretty much never useful, let alone healthy
- self-flagellation likewise; it is not only inherently self-destructive, but will likely create an additional problem for your partner too
- self-removal can be good or bad depending on the manner of that removal: there’s a difference between just going cold and distant on your partner, and saying “I’m sorry; this is my fault not yours, I don’t want to take it out on you, so please give me half an hour by myself to regain my composure, and I will come back with love then if that’s ok with you”
About that last: mentioning the specific timeframe e.g. “half an hour” is critical, by the way—don’t leave your partner hanging! And then do also follow through on that; come back with love after the half-hour elapses. We suggest mindfulness meditation in the interim (here’s our guide to how), if you’re not sure what to do to get you there.
To Err Is Human; To Forgive, Healthy (Here’s How To Do It) ← this goes for when the forgiveness in question is for yourself, too—and we do write about that there (and how)!
This is important, by the way; not forgiving yourself can cause more serious issues down the line:
If, by the way, you’re hand-wringing over “but was my apology good enough really, or should I…” then here is how to do it. Basically, do this, and then draw a line under it and consider it done:
The Apology Checklist ← you’ll want to keep a copy of this, perhaps in the notes app on your phone, or a screenshot if you prefer
(the checklist is at the bottom of that page)
The catch
It’s you, you’re the catch 👈👈😎
Ok, that being said, there is actually a catch in the less cheery sense of the word, and it is:
“It is important to be compassionate about one’s occasional failings in a relationship” does not mean “It is healthy to be neglectful of one’s partner’s emotional needs; that’s self-care, looking after #1; let them take care of themself too”
…because that’s simply not being a couple at all.
Think about it this way: the famous airline advice,
“Put on your own oxygen mask before helping others with theirs”
…does not mean “Put on your own oxygen mask and then watch those kids suffocate; it’s everyone for themself”
So, the same goes in relationships too. And, as ever, we have science for this. There was a recent (2024) study, involving hundreds of heterosexual couples aged 18–73, which looked at two things, each measured with a scaled questionnaire:
- Subjective levels of self-compassion
- Subjective levels of relationship satisfaction
For example, questions included asking participants to rate, from 1–5 depending on how much they felt the statements described them, e.g:
In my relationship with my partner, I:
- treat myself kindly when I experience sorrow and suffering.
- accept my faults and weaknesses.
- try to see my mistakes as part of human nature.
- see difficulties as part of every relationship that everyone goes through once.
- try to get a balanced view of the situation when something unpleasant happens.
- try to keep my feelings in balance when something upsets me.
Note: that’s not multiple choice! It’s asking participants to rate each response as applicable or not to them, on a scale of 1–5.
And…
❝Women’s self-compassion was also positively linked with men’s total relationship satisfaction. Thus, men seem to experience overall satisfaction with the relationship when their female partner is self-kind and self-caring in difficult situations.
Unexpectedly, however, we found that men’s relationship-specific self-compassion was negatively associated with women’s fulfillment.
Baker and McNulty (2011) reported that, only for men, a Self-Compassion x Conscientiousness interaction explained whether the positive effects of self-compassion on the relationship emerged, but such an interaction was not found for women.
Highly self-compassionate men who were low in conscientiousness were less motivated than others to remedy interpersonal mistakes in their romantic relationships, and this tendency was in turn related to lower relationship satisfaction❞
~ Dr. Astrid Schütz et al. (2024)
And if you’d like to read the cited older paper from 2011, here it is:
Read in full: Self-compassion and relationship maintenance: the moderating roles of conscientiousness and gender
The take-away here is not: “men should not practice self-compassion”
(rather, they absolutely should)
The take-away is: we must each take responsibility for managing our own mood as best we are able; practice self-forgiveness where applicable and forgive our partner where applicable (and communicate that!)…. And then go consciously back to the mutual care on which the relationship is hopefully founded.
Which doesn’t just mean love-bombing, by the way, it also means listening:
The Problem With Active Listening (And How To Do Better)
To close… We say this often, but we mean it every time: take care!
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Medicinal cannabis concerns include psychosis and child poisonings. We’re not the only ones worried
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The ABC this week revealed more than 600 side effects have been reported in three years to the medicines regulator after Australians took unapproved medicinal cannabis.
After a Freedom of Information request, the Therapeutic Goods Administration (TGA) told the ABC there had been reports of 615 side effects (known officially as adverse events) in three years to June 2025. These included more than 50 reports of psychosis, and 14 of suicidal thoughts and behaviour.
Most people don’t report adverse events to the TGA, so these numbers are likely a gross underestimate.
Earlier this year, we published research charting the rise in calls to Australia’s largest poisons information centre about cannabis poisoning in the years after medicinal cannabis was legalised. This included a rise in accidental poisoning in children.
Here’s what we know about the risks linked to these unapproved products. https://www.youtube.com/embed/bPYkKmxZz78?wmode=transparent&start=0
LordHenriVoton/Getty Why medicinal cannabis is unique
All medicines come with a risk of adverse events. Cannabis medicines are no different.
What is unique is that the vast majority of medicinal cannabis use in Australia involves unapproved products. These are ones the TGA has not assessed for quality, safety or effectiveness – but are still legally available.
More than 1,000 unapproved medicinal cannabis products are available in Australia. People often take these for conditions where we have no strong evidence they work.
This is in contrast to the two “approved” medicinal cannabis products, whose manufacturers or suppliers have to provide such evidence.
The rise of medicinal cannabis
Medicinal cannabis was legalised in Australia in 2016. But use really took off in 2021, when the TGA changed how people could access the unapproved products.
Use in young men has been increasing the fastest. Generally, about one-third of use is for anxiety.
This is despite TGA guidance stating medicinal cannabis containing THC (tetrahydrocannabinol) is generally not appropriate for patients who “have a previous psychotic or concurrent active mood or anxiety disorder”.
What are the risks?
Concerns about cannabis (both recreational and medicinal) and mental illness are not new. And liberalisation of cannabis policy worldwide is renewing these concerns.
For instance, a large Canadian study found schizophrenia associated with cannabis use almost tripled following cannabis legalisation reforms.
Cases of first-time psychosis associated with medicinal cannabis have also been reported in Australia.
There have been large increases in emergency department presentations for anxiety disorder involving cannabis in Canada. However, it is unclear whether this reflects more people using cannabis to manage anxiety, or whether cannabis use played a role in developing anxiety disorders. And not all of these presentations involved medicinal cannabis.
The potential for drug interactions with medicinal cannabis is often under-appreciated. For example, one common component, cannabidiol, interacts with a range of commonly used medicines. These include epilepsy medicines, antidepressants, opioids and blood thinners.
How about in Australia?
Reports of adverse events after taking a medicine have their limitations. Just because someone reports an adverse event this doesn’t necessarily mean the medicine caused it.
Existing reporting mechanisms are also not designed to monitor broader drug-related harms. These include illicit use, misuse and accidental child poisonings.
But other datasets can fill these gaps. For example, earlier this year we published a paper about trends in calls about cannabis (medicinal and recreational) to Australia’s largest poisons centre.
We showed calls about cannabis poisoning have been increasing. Poisonings after taking concentrated products (for instance, cannabis oils) and edibles have become much more common.
Unintentional poisonings have increased the most rapidly. This category includes dosing errors from medicinal cannabis, unwanted side effects, and accidental exposures in children.
This risk to children is often ignored in conversations about cannabis safety. Children exposed to cannabis can end up in a coma or having seizures, and often need intensive care.
Confectionary and foods containing cannabis pose an unacceptable risk to children. They are tasty, look like regular foods, and often contain high concentrations of cannabis. These have been implicated in rapidly rising numbers of poisonings in children in many countries, especially since cannabis has become more widely available.
Calls for more oversight
The Australian Health Practitioner Regulation Agency has put practitioners on notice over questionable prescribing of medicinal cannabis.
There has been a surge in “single-purpose dispensaries” whose whole business model relies on supplying medicinal cannabis via telehealth. Some consultations last mere seconds.
Prescribing data reveals eight practitioners wrote more than 10,000 medicinal cannabis scripts in a six-month period.
Best practice would involve new cannabis medicines being prescribed only by a person’s usual GP or specialist. This would typically require considerable time to advise on risks and benefits, and assess for drug interactions, or contraindications (where use is advised against), such as if someone has a history of psychiatric illness or substance use.
The TGA is currently consulting on whether the current regulatory processes around access to unapproved medicinal cannabis products is appropriate. This review may signal future changes to this blockbuster industry.
What are some practical things I can do?
For now, anyone considering medicinal cannabis should talk to their regular GP or specialist. This should involve a thorough assessment, including considering your medical history and current medications.
Ask about the risks and benefits of medicinal cannabis, and whether there is evidence it works for your condition.
If you are prescribed medicinal cannabis, keep it out of reach and out of sight of young children.
If this article has raised issues for you, or if you’re concerned about someone you know, call Lifeline on 13 11 14.
Rose Cairns, Senior Lecturer in Pharmacy, NHMRC Emerging Leadership Fellow, University of Sydney and Nicholas Buckley, Professor of Clinical Pharmacology, University of Sydney
This article is republished from The Conversation under a Creative Commons license. Read the original article.
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Can You Gain Muscle & Lose Fat At The Same Time?
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It’s Q&A Day at 10almonds!
Have a question or a request? We love to hear from you!
In cases where we’ve already covered something, we might link to what we wrote before, but will always be happy to revisit any of our topics again in the future too—there’s always more to say!
As ever: if the question/request can be answered briefly, we’ll do it here in our Q&A Thursday edition. If not, we’ll make a main feature of it shortly afterwards!
So, no question/request too big or small 😎
❝Is it possible to lose fat and gain muscle at the same time, or do we need to focus on one and then the other, and if so, which order is best?❞
Contrary to popular belief, you can do both simultaneously! However, it’s not as easy as doing just one or the other, which is why most bodybuilders, for example, have a “building phase” and a “cutting phase”.
The reason it’s difficult is because of the diet. Growing muscle doesn’t just take protein and micronutrients; it takes energy as well, which must come from carbohydrates and/or fats. Therefore, it is tricky to eat enough to build muscle and to fuel the workouts that are required to build the muscle (you can’t hit the gym in a state of rabbit starvation* and expect to perform well at your workout), while at the same time not eating enough carbs/fats to have any excess to store as fat.
*So-called because rabbit-meat is very lean, such that when during times of famine, European peasants tried to subsist off mostly rabbits, their health quickly plummeted for lack of energy. It’s also been called “salmon starvation”, apparently, for the same reason:
In French it’s called “mal de caribou” (caribou sickness), by the way. But you get the idea: eat too much lean protein without enough carbs/fats, and woe shall befall.
So, if you want to do both at once, you need to be incredibly on top of your macros, and the bad news is, only you (or a coach working directly with you) can work out what precise macros requirements your body has, because it depends on your body and your activities.
The easier “half-way house”
We will get to the “building phase” and “cutting phase” of bodybuilders, but first, here’s an option that’s very worthy of consideration, and it is: forget about your weight and just focus on health while incidentally doing regular resistance exercises and HIIT.
What will happen if you do this (assuming a healthy balanced diet, nothing special and without counting anything, but we’re talking at least mostly whole-foods, and at least mostly plants; the Mediterranean diet is great for this, as it is for most things) is:
- The dietary approach described will gradually improve your metabolic health if it wasn’t already good. If it was already good, it’ll likely just maintain it, rather than improve it.
- The resistance exercises will, if engaged with seriously (it has to be difficult to do, or your muscles won’t have any reason to grow), gradually build muscle. This will be very gradual, because you’re not eating for bodybuilding, nor optimizing your general lifestyle for same. Historically many women have feared lifting weights because they don’t want to “look like a weightlifter”, but the kinds of bodies that word brings to mind are not the kind that happen by accident (especially for women, with our different hormones guiding our bodies to a different composition); it takes a lot of single-minded dedication to specifically optimize size gains, for a long time.
- The high-intensity interval training (HIIT) will more rapidly improve your metabolic health, and unlike most forms of exercise, it will actually result in a gradual reduction of fat, if you have superfluous fat to lose. This is because whereas most forms of cardio exercise increase the heartrate for a while but then have a corresponding metabolic slump afterwards to make up for it, HIIT confuses the heart (in a good way) which results in it having to grow stronger, and not doing any compensatory metabolic slump:
How To Do HIIT (Without Wrecking Your Body) ← as well as the “how to”, this also gives some of the science behind it, too
This will, thus, result in gradual gain of muscle and loss of fat—or if you take it easier with the exercise, then you can easily settle into just maintaining your body composition as it is, but that wasn’t the question today.
So, there you have it, that’s how to do both at once! Now, if you want more dramatic results, then more dramatic methods are called for:
What bodybuilders (mostly) do
Matters of genetic predisposition and commonplace use of steroids aside, here’s how bodybuilders get that “lots of muscle, no fat” figure:
- First, get into “moderate” shape if not already there.
- Bulk up: eat amounts of food that will seem unreasonable to a non-bodybuilder; eating 2x or even 3x the “recommended” daily calorie amount is common; focus is typically on getting adequate (for bodybuilding purposes) protein while also carb-loading for workouts and getting at least enough fats for fat-soluble vitamins to work. In the gym, focus on doing sets of very few reps with the heaviest weights one can safely lift, while doing minimal cardio, and also sleeping a lot (9–12hrs per day), which is essential because this is putting a huge strain on the body and it needs a chance to recover and rebuild.
- Cut down: maintain protein intake (to at least mostly maintain muscles) while keeping carbs and fats low, doing cardio work (HIIT is still ideal) and running a calorie deficit for a short while (there is no use in trying to maintain a long-term calorie deficit; your body will try to save you from starvation by storing any fat it can and slowing your metabolism).
Phases 2 and 3 are then cycled, alternating every month, or every 6 weeks, or every 2 months or so, depending on personal preferences and scheduling considerations (bodybuilders will often have competitions they are working towards, so they need to time things to be at the end of a cutting phase to look their “best” by bodybuilder standards).
Disclaimer: bodybuilding is complex, and can be ruinous to the health if practised inexpertly, because of its extreme nature. We don’t recommend serious bodybuilding per se in general, but if you are going to do it, please consult with a professional bodybuilding coach, and do not rely on a few paragraphs from us that are intended only to give the most basic overview of how bodybuilders can approach the “gain muscle, lose fat” problem.
Want to know more?
We’ve written on some related topics previously; here’s a three-part series:
- How To Lose Weight (Healthily!)
- How To Build Muscle (Healthily!)
- How To Gain Weight (Healthily!) ← this one’s specifically about gaining healthy levels of fat, for any who want/need that
And also:
Can We Do Fat Redistribution? ← yes we can, but there are caveats
Take care!
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Three Critical Kitchen Prescriptions
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Three Critical Kitchen Prescriptions
This is Dr. Saliha Mahmood-Ahmed. She’s a medical doctor—specifically, a gastroenterologist. She’s also a chef, and winner of the BBC’s MasterChef competition. So, from her gastroenterology day-job and her culinary calling, she has some expert insights to share on eating well!
❝Food and medicine are inextricably linked to one another, and it is an honour to be a doctor who specialises in digestive health and can both cook, and teach others to cook❞
~ Dr. Saliha Mahmood-Ahmed, after winning MasterChef and being asked if she’d quit medicine to be a full-time chef
Dr. Mahmood-Ahmed’s 3 “Kitchen Prescriptions”
They are:
- Cook, cook, cook
- Feed your gut bugs
- Do not diet
Let’s take a look at each of those…
Cook, cook, cook
We’re the only species on Earth that cooks food. An easy knee-jerk response might be to think maybe we shouldn’t, then, but… We’ve been doing it for at least 30,000 years, which is about 1,500 generations, while a mere 100 generations is generally sufficient for small evolutionary changes. So, we’ve evolved this way now.
More importantly in this context: we, ourselves, should cook our own food, at least per household.
Not ready meals; we haven’t evolved for those (yet! Give it another few hundred generations maybe)
Feed your gut bugs
The friendly ones. Enjoy prebiotics, probiotics, and plenty of fiber—and then be mindful of what else you do or don’t eat. Feeding the friendly bacteria while starving the unfriendly ones may seem like a tricky task, but it actually can be quite easily understood and implemented. We did a main feature about this a few weeks ago:
Making Friends With Your Gut (You Can Thank Us Later)
Do not diet
Dr. Mahmood-Ahmed is a strong critic of calorie-counting as a weight-loss strategy:
Rather than focusing on the number of calories consumed, try focusing on introducing enough variety of food into your daily diet, and on fostering good microbial diversity within your gut.
It’s a conceptual shift from restrictive weight loss, to prescriptive adding of things to one’s diet, with fostering diversity of microbiota as a top priority.
This, too, she recommends be undertaken gently, though—making small, piecemeal, but sustainable improvements. Nobody can reasonably incorporate, say, 30 new fruits and vegetables into one’s diet in a week; it’s unrealistic, and more importantly, it’s unsustainable.
Instead, consider just adding one new fruit or vegetable per shopping trip!
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Alzheimer’s vs Cancer
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Alzheimer’s is of course not good, and neither is cancer. Don’t worry, you don’t have to choose between them!
However, people don’t usually get both. Now, we could argue that people prone to cancer are more likely to die before getting Alzheimer’s, but there’s more to it than that, to the point that one may provide a therapeutic approach to keep the other at bay.
It’s about the T-cells
People with Alzheimer’s are far less likely to develop cancer.
How much less likely, you wonder? Researchers (Dr. Kalyani Sonawane et al.) found that people aged 60+ with Alzheimer’s are 21x less likely to get cancer than those without, and that’s based on a 5-year risk ratio, looking at people who survived the duration, so it’s not a case of “people died of one before they had a chance to get the other”.
Further, Dr. Sonawane and her team found that although amyloid-β harms neurons by disrupting mitophagy (the removal of damaged mitochondria), it benefits cancer-fighting T-cells by preserving their mitochondria, providing more energy for anti-tumour activity. This cuts both ways with the same blade, so to speak, because amyloid-β depletes fumarate, a molecule that prevents excessive mitophagy; restoring fumarate levels helps maintain healthy mitochondria and boosts T-cell energy.
What does this mean in practical terms? When they tested this by transplanting mitochondria from Alzheimer’s patients’ T-cells into aging T-cells, the older cells regained youthful energy and function.
And that’s why we said “don’t worry, you don’t have to choose between them”, as you don’t need to get Alzheimer’s to get the protective effect that Alzheimer’s gives vs cancer; doctors just need to do one or both of:
- transplanting healthy mitochondria from Alzheimer’s patients
- supplementing fumarate (which has the benefit of not relying on mitochondrial donations from Alzheimer’s patients)
You find the paper itself, here: Alzheimer’s Disease–Associated Amyloid-β Precursor Protein Prevents Aging Stress–Induced Mitophagy and Fumarate Depletion to Improve Antitumor Immunity
Want to know more?
You can tackle both problems at once, without conflict:
5 Ways To Beat Cancer (And Other Diseases)
…and further, for women at least, there’s another thing that reduces the risk of both Alzheimer’s and several kinds of cancer:
Alzheimer’s Sex Differences May Not Be What They Appear ← this is about hormones
On which note, lastly, you might want to consider: The Hormone Therapy That Reduces Breast Cancer Risk & More
Take care!
Don’t Forget…
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90% Of People Skip This Essential Exercise—Are You One Of Them?
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Single-leg strengthening is essential for joint health at any age (unless you want to bunny-hop up and down the stairs with both feet at once, for example), yet many people overlook it. This neglect often leads to pain, stiffness, and a higher risk of injury.
Dr. Alyssa Kuhn, arthritis specialist, explains how to do it:
On the rise
In this video, different exercise variations—beginner, intermediate, and advanced—are presented to help you build strength at your own pace:
Beginner: start by using a chair, adding a cushion for support if needed. Sit at the edge and position one foot slightly in front of the other in a staggered stance. Stand up and sit down in a controlled manner, allowing the back leg to bear more weight and work harder than the front leg. Do 8–10 repetitions per side and pay attention to whether one side feels weaker. To build strength, incorporate this movement into daily activities, such as standing up from the couch. Master this variation before progressing, to avoid knee injury.
Intermediate: to make the exercise more challenging, you can either use a lower chair, or extend your front foot further out, shifting more weight to your back leg. Only modify one variable at a time to maintain control. Do 8–10 repetitions per side, ensuring proper form. A common mistake is allowing the back knee to move inward, which can cause knee stress. To prevent this, use a mirror to check your form and keep the knee and ankle aligned during movement.
Advanced: when you’re ready, extend your front leg completely with the heel on the ground and toes up, removing its stability and forcing the back leg to work even harder. Maintain controlled movement while keeping your knee and ankle aligned. Repeat the exercise on both sides, focusing extra effort on the weaker leg to build balanced strength.
For more on each of these, plus visual demonstrations, enjoy:
Click Here If The Embedded Video Doesn’t Load Automatically!
Want to learn more?
You might also like:
The Secret To Better Squats: Foot, Knee, & Ankle Mobility
Take care!
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Avocado vs Fig – Which is Healthier?
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Our Verdict
When comparing avocado to figs, we picked the avocado.
Why?
Figs are great, but this one wasn’t close:
In terms of macros, avocados have more than 2x the fiber and much more fat (famously healthy fats, including omega-3 fatty acids), while figs have more carbs, so this one’s an easy first-round win for avocados.
In the category of vitamins, avocados have more of vitamins B1, B2, B3, B5, B6, B7, B9, C, E, and K, while figs are not higher in any vitamin, giving avocados a very one-sided win in this round.
Looking at minerals, avocados have more copper, iron, magnesium, manganese, phosphorus, potassium, selenium, and zinc, while figs boast only more calcium, so this one’s another win for avocados.
Adding up the sections makes for a very clear overall win for avocados, but by all means enjoy either or both, as diversity is best!
Want to learn more?
You might like:
Omega-3s: Different Sources, Different Benefits?
Enjoy!
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