Healthy Relationship, Healthy Life

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Only One Kind Of Relationship Promotes Longevity This Much!

One of the well-established keys of a long healthy life is being in a fulfilling relationship. That’s not to say that one can’t be single and happy and fulfilled—one totally can. But statistically, those who live longest, do so in happy, fulfilling, committed relationships.

Note: happy, fulfilling, committed relationships. Less than that won’t do. Your insurance company might care about your marital status for its own sake, but your actual health doesn’t—it’s about the emotional safety and security that a good, healthy, happy, fulfilling relationship offers.

How to keep the “love coals” warm

When “new relationship energy” subsides and we’ve made our way hand-in-hand through the “honeymoon period”, what next? For many, a life of routine. And that’s not intrinsically bad—routine itself can be comforting! But for love to work, according to relational psychologists, it also needs something a little more.

What things? Let’s break it down…

Bids for connection—and responsiveness to same

There’s an oft-quoted story about a person who knew their marriage was over when their spouse wouldn’t come look at their tomatoes. That may seem overblown, but…

When we care about someone, we want to share our life with them. Not just in the sense of cohabitation and taxes, but in the sense of:

  • Little moments of joy
  • Things we learned
  • Things we saw
  • Things we did

…and there’s someone we’re first to go to share these things with. And when we do, that’s a “bid for connection”. It’s important that we:

  • Make bids for connection frequently
  • Respond appropriately to our partner’s bids for connection

Of course, we cannot always give everything our full attention. But whenever we can, we should show as much genuine interest as we can.

Keep asking the important questions

Not just “what shall we have for dinner?”, but:

  • “What’s a life dream that you have at the moment?”
  • “What are the most important things in life?”
  • “What would you regret not doing, if you never got the chance?”

…and so forth. Even after many years with a partner, the answers can sometimes surprise us. Not because we don’t know our partners, but because the answers can change with time, and sometimes we can even surprise ourselves, if it’s a question we haven’t considered for a while.

It’s good to learn and grow like this together—and to keep doing so!

Express gratitude/appreciation

For the little things as well as the big:

  • Thank you for staying by my side during life’s storms
  • Thank you for bringing me a coffee
  • Thank you for taking on these responsibilities with me
  • I really appreciate your DIY skills
  • I really appreciate your understanding nature

On which note…

Compliment, often and sincerely

Most importantly, compliment things intrinsic to their character, not just peripheral attributes like appearance, and also not just what they do for you.

  • You’re such a patient person; I really admire that
  • I really hit the jackpot to get someone I can trust so completely as you
  • You are the kindest and sweetest soul I have ever encountered in life
  • I love that you have such a blend of strength and compassion
  • Your unwavering dedication to your personal values makes me so proud

…whatever goes for your partner and how you see them and what you love about them!

Express your needs, and ask about theirs

We’re none of us mind-readers, and it’s easy to languish in “if they really cared, I wouldn’t have to ask”, or conversely, “if they wanted something, they would surely say so”.

Communicate. Effectively. Life is too short to waste in miscommunication and unsaid things!

We covered much more detailed how-tos of this in a previous issue, but good double-whammy of top tier communication is:

  • “I need…” / “Please will you…”
  • “What do you need?” / “How can I help?”

Touch. Often.

It takes about 20 seconds of sustained contact for oxytocin to take effect, so remember that when you hug your partner, hold hands when walking, or cuddle up the sofa.

Have regular date nights

It doesn’t have to be fancy. A date night can be cooking together, it can be watching a movie together at home. It can be having a scheduled time to each bring a “big question” or five, from what we talked about above!

Most importantly: it’s a planned shared experience where the intent is to enjoy each other’s romantic company, and have a focus on each other. Having a regularly recurring date night, be it the last day of each month, or every second Saturday, or every Friday night, whatever your schedules allow, makes such a big difference to feel you are indeed “dating” and in the full flushes of love—not merely cohabiting pleasantly.

Want ideas?

Check out these:

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  • Study Tips for Exam Season?

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    You’ve Got Questions? We’ve Got Answers!

    Q: Any study tips as we approach exam season? A lot of the productivity stuff is based on working life, but I can’t be the only student!

    A: We’ve got you covered:

    • Be passionate about your subject! We know of no greater study tip than that.
    • Find a willing person and lecture them on your subject. When one teaches, two learn!
    • Your mileage may vary depending on your subject, but, find a way of studying that’s fun to you!
    • If you can get past papers, get as many as you can, and use those as your “last minute” studying in the week before your exam(s). This will prime you for answering exam-style questions (and leverage state-dependent memory). As a bonus, it’ll also help ease any anxiety, because by the time of your exam it’ll be “same old, same old”!

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  • Head Over Hips

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    We’ve written before about managing osteoarthritis (or ideally: avoiding it, but that’s not always an option on the table, of course), so here’s a primer/refresher before we get into the meat of today’s article:

    Avoiding/Managing Osteoarthritis

    When the head gets in the way

    Research shows that the problem with recovery in cases of osteoarthritis of the hip is in fact often not the hip itself, but rather, the head:

    ❝In fact, the stronger your muscles are, the more protected your joint is, and the less pain you will experience.

    Our research has shown that people with hip osteoarthritis were unable to activate their muscles as efficiently, irrespective of strength.

    Basically, people with hip arthritis are unable to activate their muscles properly because the brain is actively putting on the brake to stop them from using the muscle.❞

    ~ Dr. Myles Murphy

    See: People with hip osteoarthritis have reduced quadriceps voluntary activation and altered motor cortex function

    This is a case of a short-term protective response being unhelpful in the long-term. If you injure yourself, your brain will try to inhibit you from exacerbating that injury, such as by (for example) disobliging you from putting weight on an injured joint.

    This is great if you merely twisted an ankle and just need to sit back and relax while your body works its healing magic, but it’s counterproductive if it’s a chronic issue like osteoarthritis. In such (i.e. chronic) cases, avoidance of use of the joint will simply cause atrophy of the surrounding muscle and other tissues, leading to more of the very wear-and-tear that led to the osteoarthritis in the first place.

    So… How to deal with that?

    You probably can exercise

    It’s easy to get caught between the dichotomy of “exercise and inflame your joints” vs “rest and your joints seize up”, which is not pleasant.

    However, the trick lies in how you exercise, per joint type:

    When Bad Joints Stop You From Exercising (5 Things To Change)

    …which to be clear, isn’t a case of “avoid using the joint that’s bad”, but is rather “use it in this specific way, so that it gets stronger without doing it more damage in the process”.

    Which is exactly what is needed!

    Further resources

    For those who like learning from short videos, here’s a trio of helpers (along with our own text-based overview for each):

    And for those who prefer just reading, here’s a book we reviewed on the topic:

    11 Minutes to Pain-Free Hips – by Melinda Wright

    Take care!

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  • Avoiding Anemia (More Than Just “Get More Iron”)

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    The Iron Dilemma: Factors To Consider

    Anemia affects around 10% of American seniors, and that number jumps to 34–39% if there’s a comorbidity such as diabetes, hypertension, or hypercholesterolemia, which in turn climbs with increasing age or with other chronic conditions:

    The Prevalence of Anemia and Its Associated Factors among Older Persons: Findings from the National Health and Morbidity Survey

    So, what can we do about it?

    Get iron yes, but how?

    We’d be remiss not to say: yes, do of course make sure you get plenty of iron.

    Most people know that red meats, which are terrible for the heart and for cancer risk, are good sources of iron.

    Well, good insofar as they provide plenty of it! They’re bad for other reasons.

    ❝Studies consistently show that consumption of red meat has been contributory to a multitude of chronic conditions such as diabetes, CVD, and malignancies.

    There are various emerging reasons that strengthen this link-from the basic constituents of red meat like the heme iron component, the metabolic reactions that take place after consumption, and finally to the methods used to cook it.

    The causative links show that even occasional use raises the risk of T2DM.

    ~ Dr. Ranjita Misra et al.

    Source: Red Meat Consumption (Heme Iron Intake) and Risk for Diabetes and Comorbidities?

    To heme or not to heme

    Did you catch that in the middle there, about the heme iron component?

    Dietary iron is broadly divided into two kinds: heme, and non-heme.

    • Heme iron comes from animals
    • Non-heme iron comes from plants

    Bad news for vegans: non-heme iron is not so easily absorbed as heme iron.

    This means that if you’re just eating plants, the RDA may be significantly lowballing the amount actually required. As a rule, about 1.8x more iron may be needed for vegans, to compensate for it being less easily absorbed.

    Why this happens: it’s because of the phytic acid / phytate in the plants that contain the iron, blocking its absorption.

    Good news for vegans: however, taking iron with vitamin C increases its absorption rate by about 5x better absorption, and several other side-along nutrients do similarly, including allium (from garlic), carotenoids (from many colorful plants), and fermented foods.

    Why this happens: it’s because they bind with similar sites as phytic acid, without causing the same effect. To make a metaphor: these foods steal phytic acid’s parking space, so phytic acid can’t do its iron-blocking thing.

    By happy coincidence, today’s featured recipe has all of these things in, by the way (vitamin C, allium, carotenoids, and fermented foods), and the star ingredient (fava beans) is a rich source of iron.

    What are good sources of iron, then?

    In the category of plants:

    • Beans (pick your favorites / eat a variety)
    • Lentils (pick your favorites / eat a variety)
    • Greens (especially dark leafy greens)
    • Apricots (you can get these dried, for convenience!)
    • Dark chocolate (5mg per 1oz square!)*

    *Ok, technically dark chocolate is not a plant; cacao is a plant; dark chocolate is usually plant-based, though, as there is no reason to add milk.

    In the category of dairy products:

    That’s not a publication error; dairy products are just not great for iron. Cheeses are more nutrient-dense than milk, and have less than 0.5mg per oz, in other words, the top dairy product has around 10x less iron than dark chocolate, which came in 5th place and let’s face it, we were doing broad categories there. If we listed all the beans, lentils, greens, etc it’d be a much longer list.

    Eggs, which are sometimes considered under the category of dairy by virtue of not being an animal (yet!) but an animal product, have around 1mg per egg, by the way, so considering eggs are nearer 2oz, that’s not much better than the cheese.

    “But what about if…”

    The above is good science and general good advice for most people. That said, some people may have conditions that preclude the foods we recommended, or have other considerations, and so things may be different. Anemia can sometimes be caused by things that can’t be fixed by diet (beyond the scope of today’s article; another time, perhaps), but for example, if you have leukemia then definitely discuss things with your doctors first. Other illnesses, and some medications, can also have troublesome effects that can contribute to anemia. Again, we can offer very good general information here, but we don’t know your medical history, and our standard legal/medical disclaimer applies as always.

    See also: Do We Need Animal Products To Be Healthy?

    Take care!

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  • Why Everyone You Don’t Like Is A Narcissist
  • The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work – by Dr. John Gottman

    10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.

    A lot of relationship advice can seem a little wishy-washy. Hardline clinical work, on the other hand, can seem removed from the complex reality of married life. Dr. Gottman, meanwhile, strikes a perfect balance.

    He looks at huge datasets, and he listens to very many couples. He famously isolated four relational factors that predict divorce with 91% accuracy, his “Four Horsemen”:

    1. Criticism
    2. Contempt
    3. Defensiveness
    4. Stonewalling

    He also, as the title of this book promises (and we get a chapter-by-chapter deep-dive on each of them) looks at “Seven principles for making marriage work”. They’re not one-word items, so including them here would take up the rest of our space, and this is a book review not a book summary. However…

    Dr. Gottman’s seven principles are, much like his more famous “four horsemen”, deeply rooted in science, while also firmly grounded in the reality of individual couples. Essentially, by listening to very many couples talk about their relationships, and seeing how things panned out with each of them in the long-term, he was able to see what things kept on coming up each time in the couples that worked out. What did they do differently?

    And, that’s the real meat of the book. Science yes, but lots of real-world case studies and examples, from couples that worked and couples that didn’t.

    In so doing, he provides a roadmap for couples who are serious about making their marriage the best it can be.

    Bottom line: this is a must-have book for couples in general, no matter how good or bad the relationship.

    • For some it’ll be a matter of realising “You know what; this isn’t going to work”
    • For others, it’ll be a matter of “Ah, relief, this is how we can resolve that!”
    • For still yet others, it’ll be a matter of “We’re doing these things right; let’s keep them forefront in our minds and never get complacent!”
    • And for everyone who is in a relationship or thinking of getting into one, it’s a top-tier manual.

    Click here to check out the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work and secure what’s most important to you!

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  • Which Plant Milk?

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    Plant-based milks—what’s best?

    You asked us to look at some popular plant milks and their health properties, and we said we’d do a main feature, so here it is!

    We’ll also give a quick nod to environmental considerations at the end too (they might not be quite what you expect!). That said, as a health and productivity newsletter, we’ll be focusing on the health benefits.

    While we can give a broad overview, please note that individual brands may vary, especially in two important ways:

    • Pro: many (most?) brands of plant milks fortify their products with extra vitamins and minerals, especially vitamin D and calcium.
    • Con: some brands also add sugar.

    So, by all means use this guide to learn about the different plants’ properties, and/but still do check labels later.

    Alternatively, consider making your own!

    • Pros: no added sugar + cheaper
    • Cons: no added vitamins and minerals + some equipment required

    Almond milk

    Almond milk is low in carbs and thus good for a carb-controlled diet. It’s also high in vitamin E and a collection of minerals.

    Oat milk

    Oats are one of the healthiest “staple foods” around, and while drinking oat milk doesn’t convey all the benefits, it does a lot. It also has one of the highest soluble fiber contents of any milk, which is good for reducing LDL (bad) cholesterol levels.

    See for example: Consumption of oat milk for 5 weeks lowers serum cholesterol and LDL cholesterol in free-living men with moderate hypercholesterolemia

    Coconut milk

    Coconut has a higher fat content than most plant milks, but also contains medium-chain triglycerides (MCTs). These raise HDL (good) cholesterol levels.

    Read the study: How well do plant based alternatives fare nutritionally compared to cow’s milk?

    Hemp milk

    Being made from hemp seeds that contain a lot of protein and healthy fats (including omega-3 and omega-6), hemp milk packs a nutritious punch. It’s carb-free. It’s also THC-free, in case you were wondering, which means no, it does not have psychoactive effects.

    Pea milk

    It’s very high in protein, and contains an array of vitamins and minerals. It’s not very popular yet, so there isn’t as much research about it. This 2021 study found that it had the nutritional profile the closest to cow’s milk (beating soy by a narrow margin) and praised it as a good alternative for those with a soy allergy.

    This is Research Review Monday so we try to stick to pure science, but for your interest… here’s an interesting pop-science article (ostensibly in affiliation with the pea milk brand, Ripple) about the nutritional qualities of their pea milk specifically, which uses particularly nutrient-dense yellow peas, plus some extra vitamin and mineral fortifications:

    Read: Ripple Milk: 6 Reasons Why You Should Try Pea Milk

    Soy milk

    Perhaps the most popular plant milk, and certainly usually the cheapest in stores. It’s high in protein, similar to cow’s milk. In fact, nutritionally, it’s one of the closest to cow’s milk without involving cows as a middleman. (Did you know three quarters of all soy in the world is grown to feed to livestock, not humans? Now you do).

    And no, gentlemen-readers, it won’t have any feminizing effects. The human body can’t use the plant estrogens in soy for that. It does give some isoflavone benefits though, which are broadly good for everyone’s health. See for example this research review with 439 sources of its own:

    Read: Soy and Health Update: Evaluation of the Clinical and Epidemiologic Literature

    Quick note on flavor: nut milks have the flavor of the nut they were made from. Coconut milk tastes of coconut. The other milks listed above don’t have much of a flavor—which in many cases may be what you want.

    Note on environmental considerations:

    A lot of us try to be as socially responsible as reasonably possible in our choices, so this may be an influencing factor. In a nutshell:

    • Oats and Soy are generally grown as vast monocrops, and these are bad for the environment
      • They are still better for the environment than cow’s milk though, as for example most soy is grown to feed to cows, not humans. So including cows in the process means four times as much monocrop farming, plus adds several other environmental issues that are beyond the scope of this newsletter.
    • Almonds are particularly resource-intensive when it comes to water use.
      • Still nowhere near as much as cows, though.
    • Peas are grown in places that naturally have very high rainfall, so are a good option here. Same generally goes for rice, which didn’t make the cut today. (Nor did hazelnuts, sorry—we can only include so much!)
    • Hemp is by far and away the most environmentally friendly, assuming it is grown in a climate naturally conducive to such.
    • Making plant milk at home is usually most environmentally friendly, depending on where your ingredients came from.
    • Literally any plant milk is much more environmentally friendly than cow’s milk.

    See the science for yourself: Reducing food’s environmental impacts through producers and consumers

    See also (if you like graphs and charts): Environmental footprints of dairy and plant-based milks

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  • The Twenty-Four Hour Mind – by Dr. Rosalind Cartwright

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    We’ve reviewed books about sleep before, and even about dreaming, so what does this one have to offer that’s new?

    Quite a lot, actually! Before Dr. Cartwright, there were mainly two models of sleep and dreaming:

    • The “top-down” model of psychoanalysts: our minds shape our dreams which in turn reveal things about us as people
    • The “bottom-up” model of neuroscientists: our brains need to go through regular maintaince cycles, of which vivid hallucinations are a quirky side-effect.

    And now, as Dr. Cartwright puts it:

    ❝I will lay out a new [horizontal] psychological model of the twenty-four hour mind; that is, how the predominantly conscious (waking) and unconscious (sleeping) forms of mental behavior interact through the brain’s regular, but differently organized, states of waking, sleeping, and dreaming.❞

    This she does in the exploratory style of a 224-page lecture, which sounds like it might be tedious, but is actually attention-grabbing and engaging throughout. This book is more of a page-turner than soporific bedtime reading!

    Bottom line: if you’d like to know more about the effect your waking and sleeping brain have on each other (to include getting in between those and making adjutments as appropriate), this is very much an elucidating read!

    Click here to check out The Twenty-Four Hour Mind, and learn more about yours!

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