Often seen as a time for family connection, this same holiday period is often experienced as a time of family tension. But it doesn’t have to be that way!

Hopefully this will be of benefit to readers of all ages, but we’re going to write with the largest age-group of our readership, which is people who are most likely to have Gen-Z grandkids.

why are we writing about this?

Not only are health and happiness closely linked, and not only is mental health also just health, but… In terms of the healthy longevity secrets of the “Blue Zones”, strong intergenerational connections are usually a feature.

First, the obvious:

Any holiday tensions, of course, don’t usually start with grandkids, and are more likely amongst the adults, but some points of friction can be the same:

• Differences of opinion on political/social/economic issues
• Difference of opinion on parenting/dating choices
• Differences of opinion on life priorities

And yes, by the way, that includes even young teens (and perhaps younger) having opinions on these things—we are living in an information age, and this does mean a lot of information is a lot more accessible than it used to be, including for kids. Problems (at all ages) may occur when someone is only really exposed to views from within a certain “bias bubble”, but for better or worse, most people will have an opinion on most well-known things.

As a general rule of thumb, all of these differences of opinion can be shelved if (and only if) those involved seek to avoid conflict. And while age is no guarantee of maturity, often it’ll be the older person(s) in the strongest position to redirect things. So, have a stack of “safe” topics up your sleeve.

Bonus: you can also have non-conversational distractions up your sleeve! These may be kitchen-related, for example (time to produce something distracting, or if the nascent conflict was only between you and one other person, time to go check on something, thus removing yourself from the situation).

Next, about “family time” and technology

It can be tempting to try to have a “phones away” rule, but this will tend to only exacerbate a younger person’s withdrawal.

Better: ask (with a tone of cheerful curiosity, not accusation) about what captures their attention so. Ask about their favorite YouTubers or TikTokers or whatever it is that it is for them. Learn about that Subreddit.

Or maybe (more likely for Millennials) they were following what is going on in the world via social media, which takes on an intermediary role for the delivery of world news. Hopefully this won’t run into the differences of opinion that we mentioned up top, but it could also be a perfectly good avenue of conversation, and maybe there’s more common ground than you might expect.

Meanwhile, if you’re the older generation present, chances are your own social media use is more about the human element. That’s great, but watch out:

A common faux pas is taking pictures without asking, let alone posting them online without asking. For many people this may seem an odd thing to object to, but generationally speaking, the younger someone is (down to the upper single digits, anyway) the more likely they might feel strongly about this. So, ask first.

The reason, by the way, is that in this age of digital hypervisibility, what we choose to share online can be a deeply personal thing. And, say what you will about the pros or cons of someone carefully curating an image of how they wish to be seen, shortcutting through that for them with a candid photo posted on Facebook will not endear you to them, even if you can’t see anything wrong with the photo in question, for example.

See also: Make Social Media Work For Your Mental Health

Show an interest, but don’t interrogate

This one doesn’t take too much explanation. If people want to share about their lives, they’ll need only the smallest nudge to do so. If someone passes up an opportunity to talk about something you showed an interest in, chances are they have their own reasons for not wanting to talk about it. This might be hurtful if you feel like they’re keeping you out of their life, but the best way to get them to talk to you is just to be a good listener—not an interrogator that they have to dodge.

For some powerful tools on this, see: Listening, Better

Lastly, if things aren’t so good…

43% of people are currently experiencing some sort of familial estrangement, so if that’s you, you’re not on your own.

Sometimes, it really is too late to fix things, but sometimes it isn’t; we put together a guide that might help:

Family Estrangement & How To Fix It

Take care!