We’ve written before about managing various emotions, including “negative” ones. We put that in “scare quotes” because they also all have positive aspects, that are just generally overshadowed by the fact that the emotions themselves are not pleasant. But for example…

We evolved our emotions, including the “negative” ones, for our own benefit as a species:

• Stress keeps us safe by making sure we take important situations seriously
• Anger keeps us safe by protecting us from threats
• Disgust keeps us safe by helping us to avoid things that might cause disease
• Anxiety keeps us safe by ensuring we don’t get complacent
• Guilt keeps us safe by ensuring we can function as a community
• Sadness keeps us safe by ensuring we value things that are important to us, and learn to become averse to losing them
• …and so on

You can read more about how to turn these off (or rather, at least pause them) when they’re misfiring and/or just plain not convenient, here:

The Off-Button For Your Brain

While it’s generally considered good to process feelings instead of putting them aside, the fact is that sometimes we have to hold it together while we do something, such that we can later have an emotional breakdown at a convenient time and place, instead of the supermarket or bank or office or airport or while entertaining houseguests or… etc.

Today, though, we’re not putting things aside, for the most part (though we will get to that too).

We’ll be dealing with shame, which is closely linked to the guilt we mentioned in that list there.

See also: Reconsidering the Differences Between Shame and Guilt

Shame’s purpose

Shame’s purpose is to help us (as a community) avoid anti-social behavior for which we might be shamed, and thus exiled from the in-group. It helps us all function better together, which is how we thrive as a species.

Shame, therefore, is often assumed to be something we can (and possibly should) use to ensure that we (ourselves and/or others) “do the right thing”.

But there’s a catch…

Shame only works negatively

You may be thinking “well duh, it’s a negative emotion”, but this isn’t about negativity in the subjective sense, but rather, positive vs negative motivation:

• Positive motivation: motivation that encourages us to do a given thing
• Negative motivation: motivation that encourages us to specifically not do a given thing

Shame is only useful as a negative motivation, i.e., encouraging us to specifically not do a given thing.

Examples:

• You cannot (in any way that sticks, at least) shame somebody into doing more housework.
• You can, however, shame somebody out of drinking and driving.

This distinction matters a lot when it comes to how we are with our children, or with our employees (or those placed under us in a management structure), or with people who otherwise look to us as leaders.

It also matters when it comes to how we are with ourselves.

Here’s a paper about this, by the way, with assorted real-world examples:

The negative side of motivation: the role of shame

From those examples, we can see that attempts to shame someone (including oneself) into doing something positive will generally not only fail, they will actively backfire, and people (including oneself) will often perform worse than pre-shaming.

Looking inwards: healthy vs unhealthy shame

Alcoholics Anonymous and similar programs use a degree of pro-social shame to help members abstain from the the act being shamed.

Rather than the unhelpful shame of exiling a person from a group for doing a shameful thing, however, they take an approach of laying out the shame for all to see, feeling the worst of it and moving past it, which many report as being quite freeing emotionally while still [negatively] motivational to not use the substance in question in the future (and similar for activity-based addictions/compulsions, such as gambling, for example).

As such, if you are trying to avoid doing a thing, shame can be a useful motivator. So by all means, if it’s appropriate to your goals, tell your friends/family about how you are now quitting this or that (be it an addiction, or just something generally unhealthy that you’d like to strike off your regular consumption/activity list).

You will still be tempted! But the knowledge of the shame you would feel as a result will help keep you from straying into that temptation.

If you are trying to do a thing, however, (even something thought of in a negative frame, such as “lose weight”), then shame is not helpful and you will do best to set it aside.

You can shame yourself out of drinking sodas (if that’s your plan), but you can’t shame yourself into eating healthy meals. And even if your plan is just shaming yourself out of eating unhealthy food… Without a clear active positive replacement to focus on instead, all you’ll do there is give yourself an eating disorder. You’ll eat nothing when people are looking, and then either a) also eat next to nothing in private or else b) binge in secret, and feel terrible about yourself, neither of which are any good for you whatsoever.

Similarly, you can shame yourself out of bed, but you can’t shame yourself into the gym:

Is there positive in the negative? Understanding the role of guilt and shame in physical activity self-regulation

Let it go

There are some cases, especially those where shame has a large crossover with guilt, that it serves no purpose whatsoever, and is best processed and then put aside.

For example, if you did something that you are ashamed of many years ago, and/or feel guilty about something that you did many years ago, but this is not an ongoing thing for you (i.e., it was a one-off bad decision, or a bad habit that have now long since dropped), then feeling shame and/or guilt about that does not benefit you or anyone else.

As to how to process it and put it aside, if your thing harmed someone else, you could see if there’s a way to try to make amends (even if without confessing ill, such as by acting anonymously to benefit the person/group you harmed).

And then, forgive yourself. Regardless of whether you feel like you deserve it. Make the useful choice, that better benefits you, and by extension those around you.

If you are religious, you may find that of help here too. We’re a health science publication not a theological one, but for example: Buddhism preaches compassion including for oneself. Judaism preaches atonement. Christianity, absolution. For Islam, mercy is one of the holiest ideals of the religion, along with forgiveness. So while religion isn’t everyone’s thing, for those for whom it is, it can be an asset in this regard.

For a more worldly approach:

To Err Is Human; To Forgive, Healthy (Here’s How To Do It) ← this goes for when the forgiveness in question is for yourself, too—and we do write about that there (and how)!

Take care!

A Bone To Pick… Up And Then Put Back Where We Found It

In today’s Psychology Sunday feature, we’re going to be flipping the narrative on gratitude, by tackling it from the other end.

We have, by the way, written previously about gratitude, and what mistakes to avoid, in one of our pieces on positive psychology:

How To Get Your Brain On A More Positive Track (Without Toxic Positivity)

“Can’t complain”

Your mission, should you choose to accept it (and come on, who doesn’t like a challenge?) is to go 21 days without complaining (to anyone, including yourself, about anything). If you break your streak, that’s ok, just start again!

Why?

Complaining is (unsurprisingly) inversely correlated with happiness, in a self-perpetuating cycle:

Pet Peeves and Happiness: How Do Happy People Complain?

And if a stronger motivation is required, there’s a considerable inverse correlation between all-cause happiness and all-cause mortality, even when potential confounding factors (e.g., chronic health conditions, socioeconomic status, etc) are controlled for, and especially as we get older:

Investing in Happiness: The Gerontological Perspective

How?

You may have already formulated some objections by this point, for example:

• Am I supposed to tell my doctor/therapist “I’m fine thanks; how are you?”
• Some things are worthy of complaint; should I be silent?

But both of these issues (communication, and righteousness) have answers:

On communication:

There is a difference between complaining, and giving the necessary information in answer to a question—or even volunteering such information.

For example, when our site went down yesterday, some of you wrote to us to let us know the links weren’t working. There is a substantive difference (semantic, ontological, and teleological) between:

• ❝The content was great but the links in “you may have missed” did not work.❞ ← a genuine piece of feedback we received (thank you!)
• ❝Wasted my time, couldn’t read your articles! Unsubscribing, and I hope your socks get wet tomorrow!❞ ← nobody said this; our subscribers are lovely (thank you)
• Note that the former wasn’t a complaint, it was genuinely helpful feedback, without which we might not have noticed the problem and fixed it.
• The latter was a complaint, and also (like many complaints) didn’t even address the actual problem usefully.

What makes it a complaint or not is not the information conveyed, but the tone and intention. So for example:

“You’ve only done half the job I asked you to!” → “Thank you for doing the first half of this job, could you please do the other half now?”

Writer’s anecdote: my washing machine needs a part replaced; the part was ordered two weeks ago and I was told it would take a week to arrive. It’s been two weeks, so tomorrow I will not complain, but I will politely ask whether they have any information about the delay, and a new estimated time of arrival. Because you know what? Whatever the delay is, complaining won’t make it arrive last week!

On righteousness:

Indeed, some things are very worthy of complaint. But are you able to effect a solution by complaining? If not, then it’s just hot air. And venting isn’t without its own merits (we touched on the benefits of emotional catharsis recently), but that should be a mindful choice when you choose to do that, not a matter of reactivity.

Complaining is a subset of criticizing, and criticizing can be done without the feeling and intent of complaining. However, it too should definitely be measured and considered, responsive, not reactive. This itself could be the topic for another main feature, but for now, here’s a Psychology Today article that at least explains the distinction in more words than we have room for here:

React vs Respond: What’s the difference?

This, by the way, also goes the same for engaging in social and political discourse. It’s easy to get angry and reactive, but it’s good to take a moment to pick your battles, and by all means fight for what you believe in, and/but also do so responsively rather than reactively.

Not only will your health thank you, but you’re also more likely to “win friends and influence people” and all that!

What gets measured, gets done

Find a way of tracking your streak. There are apps for that, like this one, or you could find a low-tech method you prefer.

Bonus tip: if you do mess up and complain, and you realize as you’re doing it, take a moment to take a breath and correct yourself in the moment.

Take care!