Levelling up the 5 love languages

The saying “happy wife; happy life” certainly goes regardless of gender, and if we’re partnered, it’s difficult to thrive in our individual lives if we’re not thriving as a couple. So, with the usual note that mental health is also just health, let’s take a look at getting beyond the basics of a well-known, often clumsily-applied model:

The 5 love languages

You’re probably familiar with “the 5 love languages”, as developed by Dr. Gary Chapman. If not, they are:

1. Acts of Service
2. Gift-Giving
3. Physical Touch
4. Quality Time
5. Words of Affirmation

The idea is that we each weight these differently, and problems can arise when a couple are “speaking a different language”.

So, is this a basic compatibility test?

It doesn’t have to be!

We can, if we’re aware of each other’s primary love languages, make an effort to do a thing we wouldn’t necessarily do automatically, to ensure they’re loved the way they need to be.

But…

What a lot of people overlook is that we can also have different primary love languages for giving and for receiving. And, missing that can mean that even taking each other’s primarily love languages into account, efforts to make a partner feel loved, or to feel loved oneself, can miss 50% of the time.

For example, I (your writer here today, hi) could be asked my primary love language and respond without hesitation “Acts of Service!” because that’s my go-to for expressing love.

I’m the person who’ll run around bringing drinks, do all the housework, and without being indelicate, will tend towards giving in the bedroom. But…

A partner trying to act on that information to make me feel loved by giving Acts of Service would be doomed to catastrophic failure, because my knee-jerk reaction would be “No, here, let me do that for you!”

So it’s important for partners to ask each other…

• Not: “what’s your primary love language?” ❌
• But: “what’s your primary way of expressing love?” ✅
• And: “which love language makes you feel most loved?” ✅

For what it’s worth, I thrive on Words of Affirmation, so thanks again to everyone who leaves kind feedback on our articles! It lets me know I provided a good Act of Service

So far, so simple, right? You and your partner (or: other person! Because as we’ve just seen, these go for all kinds of dynamics, not just romantic partnerships) need to be aware of each other’s preferred love languages for giving and receiving.

But…

There’s another pitfall that many fall into, and that’s assuming that the other person has the same idea about what a given love language means, when there’s more to clarify.

For example:

• Acts of Service: is it more important that the service be useful, or that it took effort?
• Gift-Giving: is it better that a gift be more expensive, or more thoughtful and personal?
• Physical Touch: what counts here? If we’re shoulder-to-shoulder on the couch, is that physical touch or is something more active needed?
• Quality Time: does it count if we’re both doing our own thing but together in the same room, comfortable in silence together? Or does it need to be a more active and involved activity together? And is it quality time if we’re at a social event together, or does it need to be just us?
• Words of Affirmation: what, exactly, do we need to hear? For romantic partners, “I love you” can often be important, but is there something else we need to hear? Perhaps a “because…”, or perhaps a “so much that…”, or perhaps something else entirely? Does it no longer count if we have to put the words in our partner’s mouth, or is that just good two-way communication?

Bottom line:

There’s a lot more to this than a “What’s your love language?” click-through quiz, but with a little application and good communication, this model can really resolve a lot of would-be problems that can grow from feeling unappreciated or such. And, the same principles go just the same for friends and others as they do for romantic partners.

In short, it’s one of the keys to good interpersonal relationships in general—something critical for our overall well-being!

How To Get Your Brain On A More Positive Track (Without Toxic Positivity)

There have been many studies done regards optimism and health, and they generally come to the same conclusion: optimism is simply good for the health.

Here’s an example we’ve mentioned before, but it’s a good introduction to today’s main feature. It’s a longitudinal study, and it followed 121,700 women (what a sample size!) for eight years. It controlled for all kinds of other lifestyle factors (especially smoking, drinking, diet, and exercise habits, as well as pre-existing medical conditions), so this wasn’t a case of “people who are healthy are more optimistic as results. And, in the researchers’ own words…

❝We found strong and statistically significant associations of increasing levels of optimism with decreasing risks of mortality, including mortality due each major cause of death, such as cancer, heart disease, stroke, respiratory disease, and infection. Importantly, findings were maintained after close control for potential confounding factors, including sociodemographic characteristics and depression❞

Read: Optimism and Cause-Specific Mortality: A Prospective Cohort Study

And yet, toxic positivity can cause as many problems as it tries to fix.

What is toxic positivity?

• Toxic positivity is the well-meaning friend who says “I’m sure it’ll be ok” when you know full well it definitely will not.
• Toxic positivity is the allegorical frog-in-a-pan saying that the temperature rises due to climate change are gradual, so they’re nothing to worry about
• Toxic positivity is thinking that “good vibes” will outperform chemotherapy

Sometimes, a dose of realism is needed. So, can we do that and maintain a positive attitude?

The answer is: somewhat, yes! But first, a quick check-in:

❝I’m not a pessimist; I’m a realist!❞

~ every pessimist ever

To believe self-reports, the world is divided between optimists and realists. But how does your outlook measure up, really?

While like most free online tests, this is offered “as-is” with the usual caveats about not being a clinical diagnostic tool, this one actually has a fair amount of scientific weight behind it:

❝Empirical testing has indicated the validity of the Optimism Pessimism Instrument as published in the scientific journal Current Psychology: Research and Reviews.

The IDRlabs Optimism/Pessimism Test (IDR-OPT) was developed by IDRlabs. The IDR-OPT is based on the Optimism/Pessimism Instrument (OPI) developed by Dr. William Dember, Dr. Stephanie Martin, Dr. Mary Hummer, Dr. Steven Howe, and Dr. Richard Melton, at the University of Cincinnati.❞

Take This Short (1–2 mins) Test

How did you score? And what could you do to improve on that score?

First, it’s said that with a big enough “why”, one can overcome any “how”. So…

An attitude of gratitude

We know, we know, it’s very Oprah Winfrey. But also, it works. Take the time, ideally daily, to quickly list 3–5 things for which you feel grateful. Great or small, it can be anything from your spouse to your cup of coffee, provided you feel fortunate to have it.

How this works: our brains easily get stuck in loops, so it can help to nudge them into a more positive loop.

What about when we are treated unfairly? Are we supposed to be grateful?

Sometimes, our less positive emotions are necessary, to protect us and/or those around us, and to provide a motivational force. We can still maintain a positive attitude by noting the bad thing and some good, but watch out! Notice the difference:

• “How dare they take our healthcare away, but at least I’m not sick right now” (lasting impression: no action required)
• “At least I’m not sick right now, but how dare they take our healthcare away!” (lasting impression: action required)

It’s a well-known idea in neurolinguistic programming, that “but” negates whatever goes before it (think of “I’m sorry but”, or “I’m not racist but”, etc), so use it consciously and wisely, or else simply use “and” instead.

Cognitive reframing: problem, or opportunity?

Most problems can be opportunities, even if the problems themselves genuinely suck and are not intrinsically positive. A way of leveraging this can be replacing “I have to…” with “I get to…”.

This not only can reframe problems as opportunities, but also calls back to the gratitude idea.

• Instead of “I have to get my mammogram / prostate exam” (not generally considered fun activities), “I get to have the peace of mind of being free from cancer / I get to have the forewarning that will keep me safe”.
• Instead of “I have to go to work”, “I get to go to work” (many wish they were in your shoes!)
• Instead of “I have to rest”, “I get to rest”

When things are truly not great

Whether due to internal or external factors, whether you can control something or not, sometimes things are truly not great. The trick here is that in most contexts, one can replace negative talk, with verbally positive talk, no matter how dripping with scathing irony. You’ll still get to express the idea you wanted, but your brain will feel more positive and you’ll be in a positive loop rather than a negative one.

This, by the way, is the inverse of talking to a dog with a tone of voice that is completely the opposite of the meaning of the words. Whereas the dog will interpret the tone only, your brain will interpret the words only.

• You just spilled your drink over yourself at a social function? “Aren’t I the very model of grace and charm?”
• You made a costly mistake in your business dealings? “I am such a genius”
• You just got a diagnosis of a terrible disease? “Well, this is fabulous”

None of these things involve burying your head in the sand, in the manner of toxic positivity. You’ll still learn from your business mistake and correct it as best you can, or take appropriate action regards the disease, for example.

You’ll just feel better while you do it, and not get caught into a negative spiral that ruins your day, or even your next few months.

Sympathetic/Somatic Therapy:

Lastly, an easy one, leveraging the body’s tendency to get in sync with things around us:

For when you do just need a mood change, have an uplifting playlist available at the touch of a button. It’s hard to be consumed with counterproductive feelings to the tune of “Walking on Sunshine”!

Bonus tip: consider having the playlist start with something that is lyrically negative while musically upbeat. That way, your brain won’t resist it as antithetical to your mood, and by the second track, you’ll already be on your way to a better mood.