Are You Stuck Playing These Three Roles in Love?

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The psychology of Transactional Analysis holds that our interpersonal dynamics can be modelled in the following fashion:

The roles

  • Child: vulnerable, trusting, weak, and support-seeking
  • Parent: strong, dominant, responsible—but also often exhausted and critical
  • Adult: balanced, thoughtful, creative, and kind

Ideally we’d be able to spend most of our time in “Adult” mode, and occasionally go into “Child” or “Parent” mode when required, e.g. child when circumstances have rendered us vulnerable and we need help; parent when we need to go “above and beyond” in the pursuit of looking after others. That’s all well and good and healthy.

However, in relationships, often it happens that partners polarize themselves and/or each other, with one shouldering all of the responsibility, and the other willfully losing their own agency.

The problem lies in that either role can be seductive—on the one hand, it’s nice to be admired and powerful and it’s a good feeling to look after one’s partner; on the other hand, it’s nice to have someone who will meet your every need. What love and trust!

Only, it becomes toxic when these roles stagnate, and each forgets how to step out of them. Each can become resentful of the other (for not pulling their weight, on one side, and for not being able to effortlessly solve all life problems unilaterally and provide endlessly in both time and substance, on the other), digging in to their own side and exacerbating the less healthy qualities.

As to the way out? It’s about self-exploration and mutual honesty—and mutual support:

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Further reading

While we haven’t (before today) written about TA per se, we have previously written about AT (Attachment Theory), and on this matter, the two can overlap, where certain attachment styles can result in recreating parent/child/adult dynamics:

How To Leverage Attachment Theory In Your Relationship ← this is about understanding and recognizing attachment styles, and then making sure that both you and your partner(s) are armed with the necessary knowledge and understanding to meet each other’s needs.

Take care!

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  • The Polyvagal Theory – by Dr. Stephen Porges

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    Do you ever find that your feelings (or occasionally: lack thereof) sometimes can seem mismatched with the observed facts of your situation? This book unravels that mystery—or rather, that stack of mysteries.

    Dr. Porges’ work on this topic is, by the way, the culmination of 40 years of research. While he’s not exactly a household name to the layperson, he’s very respected in his field, and this book is his magnum opus.

    Here he explains the disparate roles of the two branches of the vagus nerve (hence: polyvagal theory). At least, the two branches that we mammals have; non-mammalian vertebrates have only one. This makes a big difference, because of the cascade of inhibitions that this allows.

    The answer to the very general question “What stops you from…?” is usually found somewhere down this line of cascade of inhibitions.

    These range from “what stops you from quitting your job/relationship/etc” to “what stops you from freaking out” to “what stops you from relaxing” to “what stops you from reacting quickly” to “what stop you from giving up” to “what stops you from gnawing your arm off” and many many more.

    And because sometimes we wish we could do something that we can’t, or wish we wouldn’t do something that we do, understanding this process can be something of a cheat code to life.

    A quick note on style: the book is quite dense and can be quite technical, but should be comprehensible to any layperson who is content to take their time, because everything is explained as we go along.

    Bottom line: if you’d like to better understand the mysteries of how you feel vs how you actually are, and what that means for what you can or cannot wilfully do, this is a top-tier book

    Click here to check out Polyvagal Theory, and take control of your responses!

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  • Atomic Habits – by James Clear

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    James Clear’s Atomic Habits has become “the” go-to book about the power of habit-forming. And, there’s no shortage of competition out there, so that’s quite a statement. What makes this book stand out?

    A lot of books start by assuming you want to build habits. That can seem a fair assumption; after all, we picked up the book! But an introductory chapter really hammers home the idea in a way that makes it a lot more motivational:

    • Habits are the compound interest of productivity
    • This means that progress is not linear, but exponential
    • Habits can also be stacked, and thus become synergistic
    • The more positive habits you add incrementally, the easier they become because each thing is making your life easier/better

    For example:

    • It’s easier to save money if you’re in good health
    • It’s easier to sleep better if you do not have financial worries
    • It’s easier to build your relationship with your loved ones if you’re not tired

    …and so on.

    For many people this presents a Catch-22 problem! Clear instead presents it as an opportunity… Start wherever you like, but just start small, with some two-minute thing, and build from there.

    A lot of the book is given over to:

    • how to form effective habits (using his “Four Laws”)
    • how to build them into your life
    • how to handle mishaps
    • how to make sure your habits are working for you
    • how to see habits as part of your identity, and not just a goal to be checked off

    The last one is perhaps key—goals cease to be motivating once accomplished. Habits, on the other hand, keep spiralling upwards (if you guide them appropriately).

    There’s lots more we could say, but it’s a one-minute book review, so we’ll just close by saying:

    This book can help you to become the kind of person who genuinely gets a little better each day, and reaps the benefits over time.

    Get your copy of Atomic Habits from Amazon today!

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  • Reading As A Cognitive Exercise

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    Reading, Better

    It is relatively uncontroversial to say that reading is good for cognitive health, but we don’t like to make claims without science if we can help it, so let’s get started:

    There was a 2021 study, which found that even when controlling for many other factors, including highest level of education, socioeconomic status, and generalized pre-morbid intelligence:

    ❝high reading activity, as defined by almost daily reading, was associated with lower odds of cognitive decline, compared to low reading activity❞

    ~ Dr. Carol Chan

    Source: Can reading increase cognitive reserve?

    However, not all reading is the same. And this isn’t just about complexity or size of vocabulary, either. It’s about engagement.

    And that level of engagement remains the key factor, no matter how quickly or slowly someone reads, as the brain tends to automatically adjust reading speed per complexity, because the brain’s “processing speed” remains the same:

    Read more: Cognitive coupling during reading

    Everyone’s “processing speed” is different (and is associated with generalized intelligence and executive functions), though as a general rule of thumb, the more we practice it, the faster our processing speed gets. So if you balked at the notion of “generalized intelligence” being a factor, be reassured that this association goes both ways.

    Read more: The unique contribution of working memory, inhibition, cognitive flexibility, and intelligence to reading comprehension and reading speed

    So is the key to just read more?

    That’s a great first step! But…

    The key factor still remains: engagement.

    So what does that mean?

    It is not just the text that engages you. You must also engage the text!

    This is akin to the difference between learning to drive by watching someone else do it, and learning by getting behind the wheel and having a go.

    When it comes to reading, it should not be a purely passive thing. Sure, if you are reading a fiction book at bedtime, get lost in it, by all means. But when it comes to non-fiction reading, engage with it actively!

    For example, I (your writer here, hi), when reading non-fiction:

    • Read at what is generally considered an unusually fast pace, but
    • Write so many notes in the margins of physical books, and
    • Write so many notes using the “Notes” function on my Kindle

    And this isn’t just like a studious student taking notes. Half the time I am…

    • objecting to content (disagreeing with the author), or
    • at least questioning it, or which is especially important, or
    • noting down questions that came to my mind as a result of what I am reading.

    This latter is a bit like:

    • when you are reading 10almonds, sometimes you will follow our links and go off down a research rabbit-hole of your own, and that’s great!
    • sometimes you will disagree with something and write to tell us, and that’s great too (when this happens, one or the other or all of us will learn something, and yes, we have published corrections before now)!
    • sometimes what you read here will prompt a further question, and you’ll send that to us, and guess what, also great! We love questions.

    Now, if your enjoyment of 10almonds is entirely passive, don’t let us stop you (we know our readers like quick-and-easy knowledge, and that’s good too), it’s just, the more you actively engage with it, the more you’ll get out of it.

    This, by the way, was also a lifelong habit of Leonardo da Vinci, which you can read about here:

    How to Think Like Leonardo da Vinci: Seven Steps to Genius Every Day – by Michael J. Gelb

    a very good book that we reviewed last year

    How you read (i.e. what medium) matters too!

    Are you reading this on a desktop/laptop, or a mobile device? That difference could matter more than the difference between paper and digital, according to this study from 2020 that found…

    ❝The cumulation of evidence from this and previous studies suggests that reading on a tablet affords different interactions between the reader and the text than reading on a computer screen.

    Reading on a tablet might be more similar to reading on paper, and this may impact the attentional processes during reading❞

    ~ Dr. Ugo Ballenghein et al.

    Read more: Cognitive engagement during reading on digital tablet: Evidence from concurrent recordings of postural and eye movements

    What if my mind wanders easily?

    You can either go with it, or train to improve focus.

    Going with it: just make sure you have more engaging reading to get distracted by. It’s all good.

    Training focus: this is trickier, but worthwhile, as executive function (you will remember from earlier) was an important factor too, and training focus is training executive function.

    As for one way to do that…

    Mindfulness training improves working memory capacity and GRE performance while reducing mind wandering

    If you’d like a primer for getting going with that, then you may enjoy our previous main feature:

    No-Frills, Evidence-Based Mindfulness

    Enjoy!

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  • A Urologist Explains Edging: What, Why, & Is It Safe?
  • How much does your phone’s blue light really delay your sleep? Relax, it’s just 2.7 minutes

    10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.

    It’s one of the most pervasive messages about technology and sleep. We’re told bright, blue light from screens prevents us falling asleep easily. We’re told to avoid scrolling on our phones before bedtime or while in bed. We’re sold glasses to help filter out blue light. We put our phones on “night mode” to minimise exposure to blue light.

    But what does the science actually tell us about the impact of bright, blue light and sleep? When our group of sleep experts from Sweden, Australia and Israel compared scientific studies that directly tested this, we found the overall impact was close to meaningless. Sleep was disrupted, on average, by less than three minutes.

    We showed the message that blue light from screens stops you from falling asleep is essentially a myth, albeit a very convincing one.

    Instead, we found a more nuanced picture about technology and sleep.

    Mangostar/Shutterstock

    What we did

    We gathered evidence from 73 independent studies with a total of 113,370 participants of all ages examining various factors that connect technology use and sleep.

    We did indeed find a link between technology use and sleep, but not necessarily what you’d think.

    We found that sometimes technology use can lead to poor sleep and sometimes poor sleep can lead to more technology use. In other words, the relationship between technology and sleep is complex and can go both ways.

    How is technology supposed to harm sleep?

    Technology is proposed to harm our sleep in a number of ways. But here’s what we found when we looked at the evidence:

    • bright screen light – across 11 experimental studies, people who used a bright screen emitting blue light before bedtime fell asleep an average of only 2.7 minutes later. In some studies, people slept better after using a bright screen. When we were invited to write about this evidence further, we showed there is still no meaningful impact of bright screen light on other sleep characteristics including the total amount or quality of sleep
    • arousal is a measure of whether people become more alert depending on what they’re doing on their device. Across seven studies, people who engaged in more alerting or “exciting” content (for example, video games) lost an average of only about 3.5 minutes of sleep compared to those who engaged in something less exciting (for example, TV). This tells us the content of technology alone doesn’t affect sleep as much as we think
    • we found sleep disruption at night (for example, being awoken by text messages) and sleep displacement (using technology past the time that we could be sleeping) can lead to sleep loss. So while technology use was linked to less sleep in these instances, this was unrelated to being exposed to bright, blue light from screens before bedtime.

    Which factors encourage more technology use?

    Research we reviewed suggests people tend to use more technology at bedtime for two main reasons:

    There are also a few things that might make people more vulnerable to using technology late into the night and losing sleep.

    We found people who are risk-takers or who lose track of time easily may turn off devices later and sacrifice sleep. Fear of missing out and social pressures can also encourage young people in particular to stay up later on technology.

    What helps us use technology sensibly?

    Last of all, we looked at protective factors, ones that can help people use technology more sensibly before bed.

    The two main things we found that helped were self-control, which helps resist the short-term rewards of clicking and scrolling, and having a parent or loved one to help set bedtimes.

    Mother looking over shoulder of teen daughter sitting on sofa using smartphone
    We found having a parent or loved one to help set bedtimes encourages sensible use of technology. fast-stock/Shutterstock

    Why do we blame blue light?

    The blue light theory involves melatonin, a hormone that regulates sleep. During the day, we are exposed to bright, natural light that contains a high amount of blue light. This bright, blue light activates certain cells at the back of our eyes, which send signals to our brain that it’s time to be alert. But as light decreases at night, our brain starts to produce melatonin, making us feel sleepy.

    It’s logical to think that artificial light from devices could interfere with the production of melatonin and so affect our sleep. But studies show it would require light levels of about 1,000-2,000 lux (a measure of the intensity of light) to have a significant impact.

    Device screens emit only about 80-100 lux. At the other end of the scale, natural sunlight on a sunny day provides about 100,000 lux.

    What’s the take-home message?

    We know that bright light does affect sleep and alertness. However our research indicates the light from devices such as smartphones and laptops is nowhere near bright or blue enough to disrupt sleep.

    There are many factors that can affect sleep, and bright, blue screen light likely isn’t one of them.

    The take-home message is to understand your own sleep needs and how technology affects you. Maybe reading an e-book or scrolling on socials is fine for you, or maybe you’re too often putting the phone down way too late. Listen to your body and when you feel sleepy, turn off your device.

    Chelsea Reynolds, Casual Academic/Clinical Educator and Clinical Psychologist, College of Education, Psychology and Social Work, Flinders University

    This article is republished from The Conversation under a Creative Commons license. Read the original article.

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  • Body by Science – by Dr. Doug McGuff & John Little

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    The idea that you’ll get a re-sculpted body at 12 minutes per week is a bold claim, isn’t it? Medical Doctor Doug McGuff and bodybuilder John Little team up to lay out their case. So, how does it stand up to scrutiny?

    First, is it “backed by rigorous research” as claimed? Yes… with caveats.

    The book uses a large body of scientific literature as its foundation, and that weight of evidence does support this general approach:

    • Endurance cardio isn’t very good at burning fat
    • Muscle, even just having it without using it much, burns fat to maintain it
    • To that end, muscle can be viewed as a fat-burning asset
    • Muscle can be grown quickly with short bursts of intense exercise once per week

    Why once per week? The most relevant muscle fibers take about that long to recover, so doing it more often will undercut gains.

    So, what are the caveats?

    The authors argue for slow reps of maximally heavy resistance work sufficient to cause failure in about 90 seconds. However, most of the studies cited for the benefits of “brief intense exercise” are for High Intensity Interval Training (HIIT). HIIT involves “sprints” of exercise. It doesn’t have to be literally running, but for example maxing out on an exercise bike for 30 seconds, slowing for 60, maxing out for 30, etc. Or in the case of resistance work, explosive (fast!) concentric movements and slow eccentric movements, to work fast- and slow-twitch muscle fibers, respectively.

    What does this mean for the usefulness of the book?

    • Will it sculpt your body as described in the blurb? Yes, this will indeed grow your muscles with a minimal expenditure of time
    • Will it improve your body’s fat-burning metabolism? Yes, this will indeed turn your body into a fat-burning machine
    • Will it improve your “complete fitness”? No, if you want to be an all-rounder athlete, you will still need HIIT, as otherwise anything taxing your under-worked fast-twitch muscle fibers will exhaust you quickly.

    Bottom line: read this book if you want to build muscle efficiently, and make your body more efficient at burning fat. Best supplemented with at least some cardio, though!

    Click here to check out Body by Science, and get re-sculpting yours!

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  • Are Brain Chips Safe?

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    Ready For Cyborgization?

    A bar chart showing the percentage of people who use social media, emphasizing its safety.

    In yesterday’s newsletter, we asked you for your views on Brain-Computer Interfaces (BCIs), such as the Utah Array and Neuralink’s chips on/in brains that allow direct communication between brains and computers, so that (for example) a paralysed person can use a device to communicate, or manipulate a prosthetic limb or two.

    We didn’t get as many votes as usual; it’s possible that yesterday’s newsletter ended up in a lot of spam filters due to repeated use of a word in “extra ______ olive oil” in its main feature!

    However, of the answers we did get…

    • About 54% said “It’s bad enough that our phones spy on us, without BCI monitoring our thoughts as well!”
    • About 23% said “Sounds great in principle, but I don’t think we’re there yet safetywise”
    • About 19% said “Sign me up for technological telepathy! I am ready for assimilation”
    • One (1) person said “Electrode outside the skull are good; chips on the brain are bad”

    But what does the science say?

    We’re not there yet safetywise: True or False?

    True, in our opinion, when it comes to the latest implants, anyway. While it’s very difficult to prove a negative (it could be that everything goes perfectly in human trials), “extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence”, and so far this seems to be lacking.

    The stage before human trials is usually animal trials, starting with small creatures and working up to non-human primates if appropriate, before finally humans.

    • Good news: the latest hot-topic BCI device (Neuralink) was tested on animals!
    • Bad news: to say it did not go well would be an understatement

    The Gruesome Story of How Neuralink’s Monkeys Actually Died

    The above is a Wired article, and we tend to go for more objective sources, however we chose this one because it links to very many objective sources, including an open letter from the Physicians’ Committee for Responsible Medicine, which basically confirms everything in the Wired article. There are lots of links to primary (medical and legal) sources, too.

    Electrodes outside the skull are good; chips on/in the brain are bad: True or False?

    True or False depending on how they’re done. The Utah Array (an older BCI implant, now 20 years old, though it’s been updated many times since) has had a good safety record, after being used by a few dozen people with paralysis to control devices:

    How the Utah Array is advancing BCI science

    The Utah Array works on the same general principle as Neuralink, but the mechanics of its implementation are very different:

    • The Utah Array involves a tiny bundle of microelectrodes (held together by a rigid structure that looks a bit like a nanoscale hairbrush) put in place by a brain surgeon, and that’s that.
    • The Neuralink has a dynamic web of electrodes, implanted by a little robot that acts like a tiny sewing machine to implant many polymer threads, each containing its own a bunch of electrodes.

    In theory, the latter is much more advanced. In practice, so far, the former has a much better safety record.

    I am right to be a little worried about giving companies access to my brain: True or False?

    True or False, depending on the nature of your concern.

    For privacy: current BCI devices have quite simple switches operated consciously by the user. So while technically any such device that then runs its data through Bluetooth or WiFi could be hacked, this risk is no greater than using a wireless mouse and/or keyboard, because it has access to about the same amount of information.

    For safety: yes, probably there is cause to be worried. Likely the first waves of commercial users of any given BCI device will be severely disabled people who are more likely to waive their rights in the hope of a life-changing assistance device, and likely some of those will suffer if things go wrong.

    Which on the one hand, is their gamble to make. And on the other hand, makes rushing to human trials, for companies that do that, a little more predatory.

    Take care!

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