How To Leverage Attachment Theory In Your Relationship

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How To Leverage Attachment Theory In Your Relationship

Attachment theory has come to be seen in โ€œkids nowadaysโ€โ€™ TikTok circles as almost a sort of astrology, but thatโ€™s not what it was intended for, and thereโ€™s really nothing esoteric about it.

What it can be, is a (fairly simple, but) powerful tool to understand about our relationships with each other.

To demystify it, letโ€™s start with a little historyโ€ฆ

Attachment theory was conceived by developmental psychologist Mary Ainsworth, and popularized as a theory bypsychiatrist John Bowlby. The two would later become research partners.

  • Dr. Ainsworthโ€™s initial work focused on children having different attachment styles when it came to their caregivers: secure, avoidant, or anxious.
  • Later, she would add a fourth attachment style: disorganized, and then subdivisions, such as anxious-avoidant and dismissive-avoidant.
  • Much later, the theory would be extended to attachments in (and between) adults.

What does it all mean?

To understand this, we must first talk about โ€œThe Strange Situationโ€.

โ€œThe Strange Situationโ€ was an experiment conducted by Dr. Ainsworth, in which a child would be observed playing, while caregivers and strangers would periodically arrive and leave, recreating a natural environment of most childrenโ€™s lives. Each childโ€™s different reactions were recorded, especially noting:

  • The childโ€™s reaction (if any) to their caregiverโ€™s departure
  • The childโ€™s reaction (if any) to the strangerโ€™s presence
  • The childโ€™s reaction (if any) to their caregiverโ€™s return
  • The childโ€™s behavior on play, specifically, how much or little the child explored and played with new toys

She observed different attachment styles, including:

  1. Secure: a securely attached child would play freely, using the caregiver as a secure base from which to explore. Will engage with the stranger when the caregiver is also present. May become upset when the caregiver leaves, and happy when they return.
  2. Avoidant: an avoidantly attached child will not explore much regardless of who is there; will not care much when the caregiver departs or returns.
  3. Anxious: an anxiously attached child may be clingy before separation, helplessly passive when the caregiver is absent, and difficult to comfort upon the caregiverโ€™s return.
  4. Disorganized: a disorganizedly attached child may flit between the above types

These attachment styles were generally reflective of the parenting styles of the respective caregivers:

  1. If a caregiver was reliably present (physically and emotionally), the child would learn to expect that and feel secure about it.
  2. If a caregiver was absent a lot (physically and/or emotionally), the child would learn to give up on expecting a caregiver to give care.
  3. If a caregiver was unpredictable a lot in presence (physical and/or emotional), the child would become anxious and/or confused about whether the caregiver would give care.

What does this mean for us as adults?

As we learn when we are children, tends to go for us in life. We can change, but we usually donโ€™t. And while we (usually) no longer rely on caregivers per se as adults, we do rely (or not!) on our partners, friends, and so forth. Letโ€™s look at it in terms of partners:

  1. A securely attached adult will trust that their partner loves them and will be there for them if necessary. They may miss their partner when absent, but wonโ€™t be anxious about it and will look forward to their return.
  2. An avoidantly attached adult will not assume their partnerโ€™s love, and will feel their partner might let them down at any time. To protect themself, they may try to manage their own expectations, and strive always to keep their independence, to make sure that if the worst happens, theyโ€™ll still be ok by themself.
  3. An anxiously attached adult will tend towards clinginess, and try to keep their partnerโ€™s attention and commitment by any means necessary.

Which meansโ€ฆ

  • When both partners have secure attachment styles, most things go swimmingly, and indeed, securely attached partners most often end up with each other.
  • A very common pairing, however, is one anxious partner dating one avoidant partner. This happens because the avoidant partner looks like a tower of strength, which the anxious partner needs. The anxious partnerโ€™s clinginess can also help the avoidant partner feel better about themself (bearing in mind, the avoidant partner almost certainly grew up feeling deeply unwanted).
  • Anxious-anxious pairings happen less because anxiously attached people donโ€™t tend to be attracted to people who are in the same boat.
  • Avoidant-avoidant pairings happen least of all, because avoidantly attached people having nothing to bind them together. Iff they even get together in the first place, then later when trouble hits, one will propose breaking up, and the other will say โ€œok, byeโ€.

This is fascinating, but is there a practical use for this knowledge?

Yes! Understanding our own attachment styles, and those around us, helps us understand why we/they act a certain way, and realize what relational need is or isnโ€™t being met, and react accordingly.

That sometimes, an anxiously attached person just needs some reassurance:

  • โ€œI love youโ€
  • โ€œI miss youโ€
  • โ€œI look forward to seeing you laterโ€

That sometimes, an avoidantly attached person needs exactly the right amount of space:

  • Give them too little space, and they will feel their independence slipping, and yearn to break free
  • Give them too much space, and oops, theyโ€™re gone now

Maybe youโ€™re reading that and thinking โ€œwonโ€™t that make their anxious partner anxious?โ€ and yes, yes it will. Thatโ€™s why the avoidant partner needs to skip back up and remember to do the reassurance.

It helps also when either partner is going to be away (physically or emotionally! This counts the same for if a partner will just be preoccupied for a while), that they parameter that, for example:

  • Not: โ€œDonโ€™t worry, I just need some space for now, thatโ€™s allโ€ (ร  la “I am just going outside and may be some time“)
  • But: โ€œI need to be undisturbed for a bit, but letโ€™s schedule some me-and-you-time for [specific scheduled time]โ€.

Want to learn more about addressing attachment issues?

Psychology Today: Ten Ways to Heal Your Attachment Issues

You also might enjoy such articles such as:

Lastly, to end on a light noteโ€ฆ

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  • 5 health benefits of line dancing โ€“ according to science

    10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.

    Line dancing is enjoying a global resurgence, rising to a level of popularity not seen since Billy Ray Cyrusโ€™ Achy Breaky Heart topped the charts in 1991.

    But itโ€™s no longer just for cowgirls and cowboys. While traditionally associated with country music, line dancing has evolved to include variations of waltz, swing, salsa, disco and rock’n’roll.

    This kind of synchronised dance involves people in rows repeating choreographed steps. It doesnโ€™t require a partner, so you can turn up solo and learn on the go. And its popularity is rising among people of all ages.

    So, why has line dancing gone viral?

    The craze is partly driven by social media users embracing line dancingโ€™s easy-to-follow routines. But a post-COVID pandemic demand for gathering in community has also seen line dancing groups spring up in bars, clubs, community halls and outdoor areas.

    Itโ€™s also nostalgic and accessible, with an emphasis on fun rather than skill.

    While studying its health benefits, one of us (Danielle) decided to give line dancing a go. Unable to follow the steps at first, it was a lesson in humility. But a year later, Danielle is still happily pounding the floor each week in her line dancing group โ€“ and encouraging others to give this science-backed mood-booster a try.

    Danielle was a coauthor on a new review that examined the findings of 16 studies about line dancing. Here are the health benefits it identified.

    Energy Films Library/Getty Images

    1. Itโ€™s a workout

    Line dancing is good exercise: it incorporates coordination and balance with a cardiovascular workout.

    The steps can also be adapted to match the dancersโ€™ abilities. Energetic young people might bootscoot and boogie while more mature dancers can shuffle and sway โ€“ all to the same tune.

    Research has shown regular physical activity help prevent many chronic conditions, such as diabetes, cardiovascular disease, obesity and even some cancers.

    In older people, line dancing has been shown to improve motor skills, flexibility and gait, reducing fall risk and helping to maintain good overall health.

    2. Good for mental health

    The new review showed line dancing boosts mental wellbeing, reduces anxiety and depression, and relieves stress.

    This is largely due to endorphins, the pain-relieving chemicals the body releases during exercise. They improve mood and can leave dancers feeling elated and full of joy and self-confidence after a session.

    But you donโ€™t even have to participate to feel the benefits. There is evidence to suggest watching dancing can stimulate some of the bodyโ€™s mood-boosting responses and reduce stress.

    3. Itโ€™s social โ€“ but you donโ€™t need a partner

    With more than 43% of young people saying they feel persistently lonely, and elder isolation on the rise, finding connection with other people is more important than ever.

    Research shows participating in sport โ€“ and particularly team activities โ€“ is a protective factor against loneliness.

    Compared to partnered types of dance such as ballroom, line dancing might seem like a solitary activity. But this actually means people can show up alone and still connect with others, uniting around an activity. People get involved with a community and may even develop friendships.

    Line dancing can also break down cultural and social barriers and expand social support networks, helping to develop a sense of belonging and unity.

    4. A workout for your brain, too

    The combination of stomps, backsteps and kicks can be overwhelming at first. But the sense of achievement when you master these steps is worth it.

    Studies have shown that, as line dancers become more proficient, their memory and brain function improves.

    There is evidence this can help prevent dementia and improve university studentsโ€™ concentration.

    5. Line dancing builds community

    The research review found line dancing has benefits beyond the individual.

    For example, in one 2008 study researchers interviewed 30 women aged over 60 about their involvement in line dancing. Many said it led them to become more engaged in the community, including volunteering.

    But if youโ€™re thinking of getting involved yourself, a word of warning: there may be no turning back. Line dancing can be profoundly addictive and seriously fun.


    This article has been amended to clarify that only one of the two authors was also an author on the academic paper that underpins the article.

    Danielle Le Lagadec, Senior Lecturer and Head of Course, Graduate Certificate in Nursing, CQUniversity Australia and Catherine Hungerford, Associate Professor and Head of College, Nursing and Midwifery, CQUniversity Australia

    This article is republished from The Conversation under a Creative Commons license. Read the original article.

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  • Feeling mad? New research suggests mindfulness could help manage anger andย aggression

    10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.

    Thereโ€™s no shortage of things to feel angry about these days. Whether itโ€™s politics, social injustice, climate change or the cost-of-living crisis, the world can feel like a pressure cooker.

    Research suggests nearly one-quarter of the worldโ€™s population feels angry on any given day. While anger is a normal human emotion, if itโ€™s intense and poorly managed, it can quickly lead to aggression, and potentially cause harm.

    Feeling angry often can also have negative effects on our relationships, as well as our mental and physical health.

    So how should you manage feelings of anger to keep them in check? Our new research suggests mindfulness can be an effective tool for regulating anger and reducing aggression.

    Kaboompics.com/Pexels

    What is mindfulness?

    Mindfulness is the ability to observe and focus on your thoughts, emotions and bodily sensations in the present moment with acceptance and without judgement.

    Mindfulness has been practised for thousands of years, most notably in Buddhist traditions. But more recently it has been adapted into secular programs to support mental health and emotional regulation.

    Mindfulness is taught in a variety of ways, including in-person classes, residential retreats and through digital apps. These programs typically involve guided meditations, and practices that help people become more aware of their thoughts, feelings and surroundings.

    Mindfulness is linked to a range of mental health benefits, including reduced anxiety, depression and stress.

    Neuroscience research also suggests mindfulness is associated with reduced activity in brain regions linked to emotional reactivity, and greater activity in those involved in self-regulation (the ability to manage our thoughts, emotions and behaviours).

    In this way, mindfulness could foster emotional awareness essential for the effective regulation of emotions such as anger. And when people are less overwhelmed by anger, they may be better able to think clearly, reflect on what matters and take meaningful action, rather than reacting impulsively or shutting down.

    A man sits on a bench with his head in his hands.
    Anger is a normal human emotion โ€“ but it can sometimes have destructive consequences. Inzmam Khan/Pexels

    We reviewed the evidence

    To better understand whether mindfulness actually helps with regulating anger and aggression, we conducted a meta-analysis. This is a study that combines the results of many previous studies to look at the overall evidence.

    We analysed findings from 118 studies across different populations and countries, including both people who were naturally more mindful and people who were randomly assigned to take part in interventions aimed at increasing mindfulness.

    People who were naturally more mindful were those who scored higher on questionnaires measuring traits such as present-moment awareness and non-judgmental thinking. We found these people tended to report less anger and behave less aggressively.

    However, mindfulness isnโ€™t just something you have or donโ€™t have โ€“ itโ€™s also a skill you can develop. And our results show the benefits of lower anger and aggression extend to people who learn mindfulness skills through practice or training.

    We also wanted to know whether mindfulness might work better for certain people or in particular settings. Interestingly, our results suggest these benefits are broadly universal. Practising mindfulness was effective in reducing anger and aggression across different age groups, genders and contexts, including whether people were seeking treatment for mental health or general wellbeing, or not.

    Some anger management strategies arenโ€™t backed by science

    To manage feelings of anger, many people turn to strategies that are not supported by evidence.

    Research suggests โ€œletting off steamโ€ while thinking about your anger is not a healthy strategy and may intensify and prolong experiences of anger.

    For example, in one experiment, research participants were asked to hit a punching bag while thinking of someone who made them angry. This so-called โ€œcathartic releaseโ€ made people angrier and more aggressive rather than less so.

    Breaking things in rage rooms, while increasingly popular, is similarly not an evidence-based strategy for reducing anger and aggression.

    On the other hand, our research shows thereโ€™s good evidence to support mindfulness as a tool to regulate anger.

    Mindfulness may reduce anger and aggression by helping people become more aware of their emotional reactions without immediately acting on them. It can foster a non-judgmental and accepting stance toward difficult emotions such as anger, which may interrupt the cycle whereby anger leads to aggressive behaviour.

    A group of people meditating outdoors.
    Mindfulness can help people become more aware of their emotions. New Africa/Shutterstock

    Mindfulness is not a magic bullet

    All that said, itโ€™s important to keep in mind that mindfulness is not a magic bullet or a quick fix. Like any new skill, mindfulness can be challenging at first, takes time to master, and works best when practised regularly.

    Itโ€™s also important to note mindfulness may not be suitable for everyone โ€“ particularly when used as a standalone approach for managing more complex mental health concerns. For ongoing emotional challenges itโ€™s always a good idea to seek support from a qualified mental health professional.

    However, if youโ€™re looking to dial down the impact of daily frustrations, there are plenty of accessible ways to give mindfulness a go. You can get started with just a few minutes per day. Popular apps such as Smiling Mind and Headspace offer short, guided sessions that make it easy to explore mindfulness at your own pace โ€” no prior experience needed.

    While mindfulness may not solve the problems that make us angry, our research shows it could help improve how we experience and respond to them.

    Siobhan O’Dean, Research Fellow, The Matilda Centre for Research in Mental Health and Substance Use, University of Sydney; Elizabeth Summerell, Lecturer, School of Psychology, Faculty of Health and Medical Sciences, University of Adelaide, and Tom Denson, Professor of Psychology, UNSW Sydney

    This article is republished from The Conversation under a Creative Commons license. Read the original article.

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  • Overcoming Poor Posture โ€“ by Steven Low & Jarlo Ilano

    10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.

    Weโ€™ve previously reviewed the first-named authorโ€™s excellent โ€œOvercoming Gravityโ€, and this time the gymnast-physiotherapist is back with another physio, to deliver us a guide to overcoming poor posture.

    They start (after the introductory material youโ€™d expect of any such work) with an examination of the connection between posture and pain, because letโ€™s face it, for most people this is whatโ€™s most important.

    The authors also do not expect that we live in a world whereby we can devote a lot of time to dedicated postural practice, so they also cover posture in real life, and practical steps to improve posture in the 23.5 (or more) hours per day that youโ€™re mostly not thinking about it.

    Which prompts the question: how do we make the change to our regular posture, when indeed we are mostly not thinking about it, and are not likely to start devoting most of our waking thoughts to it? So, again being mindful residents of the real world, the authors also bring us chapters on changing our habits, and redoing our programming, to overcome poor posture in an actually sustainable and thus meaningful fashion.

    There are of course specific exercises to do too, but even there, advice is given on how to select those that are most relevant to you, your life, and your body.

    Bottom line: if youโ€™d like to be free from the pain caused by the consequences of poor posture, this book can help a lot!

    Click here to check out Overcoming Poor Posture, and overcome poor posture, for good!

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  • Skincare โ€œScamsโ€ That Are Actually Very Recommendable

    10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.

    Dr. Andrea Suarez explains why some things got a bad reputation despite, actually, working if used correctly:

    Looking past the surface

    What Dr. Suarez wants us to know is that some products widely labelled as skincare โ€œscamsโ€ can be genuinely useful when their biology, limits, and realistic outcomes are understood.

    As for why they sometimes get labelled as scams, she blames overpromising marketing claims, misunderstood skin biology, and unrealistic expectations about speed and magnitude of results. Which is a pity, because bold hype can boost short-term sales (which is why it’s used), but often damages long-term trust once results fail to match the promises.

    So, with that in mind:

    • Collagen creams: no, collagen molecules do not penetrate to rebuild collagen, but they act as humectants that improve hydration, smoothness, plumpness, comfort, and symptoms such as dryness and tightness.
    • Red and near-infrared light: photobiomodulation can improve mitochondrial activity, blood flow, and inflammation, leading to modest gains in fine lines, texture, collagen density, acne inflammation, and hair thickness with consistent use. However, at-home devices require ongoing use, and deliver gradual rather than dramatic changes.
    • Retinoids : these are among the most studied dermatologic ingredients, retinoids improve collagen production, wrinkles, pigmentation, texture, and treat conditions such as acne and melasma. However, many people quit due to delayed results, irritation, dryness, and poor introduction strategies rather than any actual lack of efficacy.
    • Niacinamide : evidence supports improvements in discoloration, moisturization, redness, oil control, and glycation-related yellowing. However, overuse and stacking across multiple products, especially at high percentages above the 2โ€“5% studied range, are likely to drive irritation and backlash.
    • Silicone tape: silicone scar sheets are evidence-based for improving raised scar thickness, texture, redness, and discomfort by reducing transepidermal water loss. However, facial taping does not replace neuromodulators or treat dynamic wrinkles, even though temporary softening from moisturization can occur.

    Red flags to watch out for: instant or permanent claims without clear science for it, vague buzzwords like โ€œmedical gradeโ€ without context, and no discussion of limitations or who should avoid the product.

    Green flags to watch out for: modest claims, emphasis on gradual improvement, clear limitations, and honest discussion of who benefits and who does not.

    For more on all of this, enjoy:

    Click Here If The Embedded Video Doesnโ€™t Load Automatically!

    Want to learn more?

    You might also like:

    The Evidence-Based Skincare That Beats Product-Specific Hype

    Take care!

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  • Gutbliss โ€“ by Dr. Robynne Chutkan

    10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.

    Weโ€™ve previously reviewed another of (gastroenterologist) Dr. Chutkanโ€™s books, โ€œThe Anti-Viral Gutโ€, but Gutbliss is her most well-known book, and hereโ€™s why:

    This book goes into a lot more detail than most gut health books. You probably already know to eat fiber and enjoy an occasional probiotic, and chances are good youโ€™ve already at least considered screening for food sensitivities/intolerances/allergies, especially common ones like lactose and gluten.

    So, well beyond such, Dr. Chutkan talks about the very many things that affect our gut health, and countless small tweaks we can make to improve things, and the very least not sabotage ourselves. A lot of the advice is of course dietary, but some is other aspects of lifestyle, and a lot of items are things like โ€œdo this at this time of day, not that time of dayโ€, or โ€œdo this and this, but not togetherโ€, and similar such advices that come from a place of deep professional knowledge.

    The โ€œ10-day planโ€ promised by the subtitle is of course delivered, and while it may seem a bold claim, do remember that the life cycle of things in your gut is very very short, so 10 days is more than enough time for a complete reset, if doing things correctly.

    The style is very accessible pop science, making this very easy to implement.

    Bottom line: if youโ€™d like your gut health to be better than it is, this book has a wealth of information to guide you through doing exactly that.

    Click here to check out Gutbliss, and enjoy how much healthier you can feel!

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  • The Only Arm Exercises You Need After 60

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    Itโ€™s important, but itโ€™s not so complicated that you have to do a lot of things for it:

    Keeping your strength up

    Age-related muscle loss (sarcopenia) starts in our 30s if we’re not careful, but it accelerates sharply after 60, especially without resistance training. This, of course, leads to reduced independence in daily tasks like lifting, carrying, and pushing, and generally is a harbinger of systemic decline (i.e. the rest of your body gives up too).

    However! Research (cited in the video) shows strength can be rebuilt at any age, even into your 80s and 90s.

    First, understand the general idea: use resistance training 2โ€“3 times weekly for about 20 minutes each session, focusing on compound exercises rather than isolated moves, because compound movements strengthen multiple muscle groups more efficiently, and also reflect how we actually use our bodies in day-to-day life.

    Now, settle into a core arm routine:

    • 3 sets of 8โ€“15 controlled repetitions of a dumbbell row to strengthen your arms, shoulders, and back
    • A curl, twist, and press to build your biceps, triceps, shoulders, and rotator cuff
    • A pushing exercise chosen at your level (e.g. wall press, chair press, knee push-up, or full push-up) to strengthen your chest, triceps, and shoulders.

    How to progress safely as you go: do the most challenging variation you can complete with good form for 8โ€“15 reps, progress when you can exceed 15 easily, and take care to move slowly rather than using momentum, prioritizing good form.

    For more on all of this plus visual demonstrations, enjoy:

    Click Here If The Embedded Video Doesnโ€™t Load Automatically!

    Want to learn more?

    You might also like:

    Resistance Is Useful! (Especially As We Get Older)

    Take care!

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    Did you arrive here from our newsletter? Don’t forget to return to the email to continue learning!

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