Many of us, in many ways, have more discretionary time than ever… On paper.

But rather than the 8-hour block of work of yesteryear, nowadays the things that take our time often come in a series of short bursts that punctuate our day.

This means that while in theory, we have n hours of “free” time per day, we actually have 9 minutes here, 23 minutes there, 1 hour 6 minutes somewhere else, and so on.

Social commitments, meanwhile, tend to require not only that we have time in a block, but also, that the time around that block also be sufficiently free, for travelling, preparation, etc.

The result? “We must do this again, and not leave it so long next time!” we say, sincerely, to the friend whom we will next see again in approximately 17 months’ time.

The problem is how our many theoretically-small obligations reduce the rest of our time to “time confetti”, and that happens on the large scale like we saw above, as well as on the small scale of “Ah, I have an hour to relax between these two things” and then suddenly the time is gone, once again reduced to time confetti:

Time Confetti and the Broken Promise of Leisure

So, how to maintain human connection with people beyond those with whom we live?

Some is infinitely better than none

Let’s say you want to call a friend or relative. There may be generational differences in how much one is expected to arrange this by text first, vs just calling, but either way, you don’t have to have an open-ended block of time, and sometimes, it’s better if you don’t.

Establish, at the start of the call, “Before we get into catching up, how are we for time, by the way? For my part, I’ll have to go by such-and-such a time”, and then work with that.

The benefit of doing this is that you’ll both know enough about the time constraints to use the time appropriately; you won’t run out the clock on smalltalk before getting to something big, and you’ll both come away feeling satisfied that you shared and were shared-with in a meaningful fashion.

In contrast, guessing at time constraints can leave big things clipped off, or else result in someone “looking for a way to politely end this conversation that stopped being interesting a while ago but it’ll seem rude if I say I have to go now”, of the kind that results in someone not being so open to a call next time.

Don’t rush to dismiss texts as a medium for meaningful connection

When text messages were first a thing, you’ll remember how we were all working within a very short character limit and a cost-per-message. It was telegrams for the modern age, basically.

Nowadays, that isn’t so; we can write as much or as little as we like, and this has two benefits:

1. We can have longer, meaningful conversations around the other stuff in our life. We can reply in seconds, or after making a cup of tea and thinking about it, or after our grocery-chopping trip, or whenever suits us. Suddenly, time confetti isn’t such a barrier to human connection. Writer’s example: my prime social time in this manner is when I’m cooking dinner (which is often about an hour). There’s no way I could have a phonecall while doing that; my bad hearing notwithstanding, I just have my hands full too often with much else going on. But texting? I can do that in the several-minute gaps between assorted culinary tasks, while I’m waiting for the kettle to boil or the onions to brown or whatever.
2. Sometimes, the brevity makes it easier. A quick text saying “Hey, just to let you know I’m thinking of you, and hope your day is going well!”, or “Unrelated to anything: I was just thinking about how I’m glad to have you in my life; you’re a good friend, and I appreciate that more than I often remember to say. Anyway, that’s all; it was just on my mind. I hope your day is going well!”

(The cheery closing words in those last two text message examples help signify: “don’t worry, I’m fine and am not looking for anything from you”, which will help the recipient to relax, and counterintuitively, more likely to reply with some kind words of their own, knowing that they’re not signing up for a potentially deep talk when they also have time confetti issues going on)

Seize the moment (and also let it go)

You probably have many small interactions with strangers, most days. In the store, walking the dog, at the doctor’s office, etc. So, two things:

1. Make smalltalk. And if you’re not one for traditional smalltalk topics (weather etc), or even if you are, a level-up is:
2. Compliment sincerely. Straight out of “How To Win Friends And Influence People”, of course, but it creates a moment of genuine connection; you say a thing, their day is improved, they smile, you complete your business with a smile of your own and go about your day.

(of course, do steer clear of anything that could be interpreted as flirting, if that is not your intent, and really it should never be your intent when it comes to the captive audience of someone who will get fired if they’re not nice to you)

But, with a little practice, these little moments add up to a lot more human connection than if we treat the strangers with whom we interact as though they were merely part of the scenery.

Want more than that?

Check out:

How To Beat Loneliness & Isolation

Take care!

The Show Must Go On

We’ve previously written about the topics of death and dying. It’s not cheery, but it is important to tackle.

Sooner is better than later, in the case of:

Preparations For Managing Your Own Mortality

And for those who are left behind, of course it is hardest of all:

What Grief Does To Your Body (And How To Manage It)

But what about what comes next? For those who are left behind, that is.

Life goes on

In cases when the death is that of a close loved one, the early days after death can seem like a surreal blur. How can the world go ticking on as normal when [loved one] is dead?

But incontrovertibly, it does, so we can only ask again: how?

And, we get to choose that, to a degree. The above-linked article about grief gives a “101” rundown, but it’s (by necessity, for space) a scant preparation for one of the biggest challenges in life that most of us will ever face.

For many people, processing grief involves a kind of “saying goodbye”. For others, it doesn’t, as in the following cases of grieving the loss of one’s child—something no parent should ever have to face, but it happens:

Dr. Ken Druck | The Love That Never Dies

(with warning, the above article is a little heavy)

In short: for those who choose not to “say goodbye” in the case of the death of a loved one, it’s more often not a case of cold neglect, but rather the opposite—a holding on. Not in the “denial” sense of holding on, but rather in the sense of “I am not letting go of this feeling of love, no matter how much it might hurt to hold onto; it’s all I have”.

What about widows, and love after death?

Note: we’ll use the feminine “widow” here as a) it’s the most common and b) most scientific literature focuses on widows, but there is no reason why most of the same things won’t also apply to widowers.

We say “most”, as society does tend to treat widows and widowers differently, having different expectations about a respectful mourning period, one’s comportment during same, and so on.

As an aside: most scientific literature also assumes heterosexuality, which is again statistically reasonable, and for the mostpart the main difference is any extra challenges presented by non-recognition of marriages, and/or homophobic in-laws. But otherwise, grief is grief, and as the saying goes, love is love.

One last specificity before we get into the meat of this: we are generally assuming marriages to be monogamous here. Polyamorous arrangements will likely sidestep most of these issues completely, but again, they’re not the norm.

Firstly, there’s a big difference between remarrying (or similar) after being widowed, and remarrying (or similar) after a divorce, and that largely lies in the difference of how they begin. A divorce is (however stressful it may often be) more often seen as a transition into a new period of freedom, whereas bereavement is almost always felt as a terrible loss.

The science, by the way, shows the stats for this; people are less likely to remarry, and slower to remarry if they do, in instances of bereavement rather than divorce, for example:

Timing of Remarriage Among Divorced and Widowed Parents

Love after death: the options

For widows, then, there seem to be multiple options:

• Hold on to the feelings for one’s deceased partner; never remarry
• Grieve, move on, find new love, relegating the old to history
• Try to balance the two (this is tricky but can be done*)

*Why is balancing the two tricky, and how can it be done?

It’s tricky because ultimately there are three people’s wishes at hand:

• The deceased (“they would want me to be happy” vs “I feel I would be betraying them”—which two feelings can also absolutely come together, by the way)
• Yourself (whether you actually want to get a new partner, or just remain single—this is your 100% your choice either way, and your decision should be made consciously)
• The new love (how comfortable are they with your continued feelings for your late love, really?)

And obviously only two of the above can be polled for opinions, and the latter one might say what they think we want to hear, only to secretly and/or later resent it.

One piece of solid advice for the happily married: talk with your partner now about how you each would feel about the other potentially remarrying in the event of your death. Do they have your pre-emptive blessing to do whatever, do you ask a respectable mourning period first (how long?), would the thought just plain make you jealous? Be honest, and bid your partner be honest too.

One piece of solid advice for everyone: make sure you, and your partner(s), as applicable, have a good emotional safety net, if you can. Close friends or family members that you genuinely completely trust to be there through thick and thin, to hold your/their hand through the emotional wreck that will likely follow.

Because, while depression and social loneliness are expected and looked out for, it’s emotional loneliness that actually hits the hardest, for most people:

Longitudinal Examination of Emotional Functioning in Older Adults After Spousal Bereavement

…which means that having even just one close friend or family member with whom one can be at one’s absolute worst, express emotions without censure, not have to put on the socially expected appearance of emotional stability… Having that one person (ideally more, but having at least one is critical) can make a huge difference.

But what if a person has nobody?

That’s definitely a hard place to be, but here’s a good starting point:

How To Beat Loneliness & Isolation

Take care!