What Are Communication Skills, Really?

Superficially, communication is “conveying an idea to someone else”. But then again…

Superficially, painting is “covering some kind of surface in paint”, and yet, for some reason, the ceiling you painted at home is not regarded as equally “good painting skills” as Michaelangelo’s, with regard to the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.

All kinds of “Dark Psychology” enthusiasts on YouTube, authors of “Office Machiavelli” handbooks, etc, tell us that good communication skills are really a matter of persuasive speaking (or writing). And let’s not even get started on “pick-up artist” guides. Bleugh.

Not to get too philosophical, but here at 10almonds, we think that having good communication skills means being able to communicate ideas simply and clearly, and in a way that will benefit as many people as possible.

The implications of this for education are obvious, but what of other situations?

Conflict Resolution

Whether at work or at home or amongst friends or out in public, conflict will happen at some point. Even the most well-intentioned and conscientious partners, family, friends, colleagues, will eventually tread on our toes—or we, on theirs. Often because of misunderstandings, so much precious time will be lost needlessly. It’s good for neither schedule nor soul.

So, how to fix those situations?

I’m OK; You’re OK

In the category of “bestselling books that should have been an article at most”, a top-tier candidate is Thomas Harris’s “I’m OK; You’re OK”.

The (very good) premise of this (rather padded) book is that when seeking to resolve a conflict or potential conflict, we should look for a win-win:

• I’m not OK; you’re not OK ❌
  • For example: “Yes, I screwed up and did this bad thing, but you too do bad things all the time”
• I’m OK; you’re not OK ❌
  • For example: “It is not I who screwed up; this is actually all your fault”
• I’m not OK; you’re OK ❌
  • For example: “I screwed up and am utterly beyond redemption; you should immediately divorce/disown/dismiss/defenestrate me”
• I’m OK; you’re OK ✅
  • For example: “I did do this thing which turned out to be incorrect; in my defence it was because you said xyz, but I can understand why you said that, because…” and generally finding a win-win outcome.

So far, so simple.

“I”-Messages

In a conflict, it’s easy to get caught up in “you did this, you did that”, often rushing to assumptions about intent or meaning. And, the closer we are to the person in question, the more emotionally charged, and the more likely we are to do this as a knee-jerk response.

“How could you treat me this way?!” if we are talking to our spouse in a heated moment, perhaps, or “How can you treat a customer this way?!” if it’s a worker at Home Depot.

But the reality is that almost certainly neither our spouse nor the worker wanted to upset us.

Going on the attack will merely put them on the defensive, and they may even launch their own counterattack. It’s not good for anyone.

Instead, what really happened? Express it starting with the word “I”, rather than immediately putting it on the other person. Often our emotions require a little interrogation before they’ll tell us the truth, but it may be something like:

“I expected x, so when you did/said y instead, I was confused and hurt/frustrated/angry/etc”

Bonus: if your partner also understands this kind of communication situation, so much the better! Dark psychology be damned, everything is best when everyone knows the playbook and everyone is seeking the best outcome for all sides.

The Most Powerful “I”-Message Of All

Statements that start with “I” will, unless you are rules-lawyering in bad faith, tend to be less aggressive and thus prompt less defensiveness. An important tool for the toolbox, is:

“I need…”

Softly spoken, firmly if necessary, but gentle. If you do not express your needs, how can you expect anyone to fulfil them? Be that person a partner or a retail worker or anyone else. Probably they want to end the conflict too, so throw them a life-ring and they will (if they can, and are at least halfway sensible) grab it.

• “I need an apology”
• “I need a moment to cool down”
• “I need a refund”
• “I need some reassurance about…” (and detail)

Help the other person to help you!

Everything’s best when it’s you (plural) vs the problem, rather than you (plural) vs each other.

Apology Checklist

Does anyone else remember being forced to write an insincere letter of apology as a child, and the literary disaster that probably followed? As adults, we (hopefully) apologize when and if we mean it, and we want our apology to convey that.

What follows will seem very formal, but honestly, we recommend it in personal life as much as professional. It’s a ten-step apology, and you will forget these steps, so we recommend to copy and paste them into a Notes app or something, because this is of immeasurable value.

It’s good not just for when you want to apologize, but also, for when it’s you who needs an apology and needs to feel it’s sincere. Give your partner (if applicable) a copy of the checklist too!

1. Statement of apology—say “I’m sorry”
2. Name the offense—say what you did wrong
3. Take responsibility for the offense—understand your part in the problem
4. Attempt to explain the offense (not to excuse it)—how did it happen and why
5. Convey emotions; show remorse
6. Address the emotions/damage to the other person—show that you understand or even ask them how it affected them
7. Admit fault—understand that you got it wrong and like other human beings you make mistakes
8. Promise to be better—let them realize you’re trying to change
9. Tell them how you will try to do it different next time and finally
10. Request acceptance of the apology

Note: just because you request acceptance of the apology doesn’t mean they must give it. Maybe they won’t, or maybe they need time first. If they’re playing from this same playbook, they might say “I need some time to process this first” or such.

Want to really superpower your relationship? Read this together with your partner:

Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, and, as a bonus:

The Hold Me Tight Workbook: A Couple’s Guide for a Lifetime of Love

Always look on the bright side for life

❝I’m not a pessimist; I’m a realist!❞

~ every pessimist ever

To believe self-reports, the world is divided between optimists and realists. But how does your outlook measure up, really?

Below, we’ve included a link to a test, and like most free online tests, this is offered “as-is” with the usual caveats about not being a clinical diagnostic tool, this one actually has a fair amount of scientific weight behind it:

❝Empirical testing has indicated the validity of the Optimism Pessimism Instrument as published in the scientific journal Current Psychology: Research and Reviews.

The IDRlabs Optimism/Pessimism Test (IDR-OPT) was developed by IDRlabs. The IDR-OPT is based on the Optimism/Pessimism Instrument (OPI) developed by Dr. William Dember, Dr. Stephanie Martin, Dr. Mary Hummer, Dr. Steven Howe, and Dr. Richard Melton, at the University of Cincinnati.❞

Take This Short (1–2 mins) Test

How did you score? And what could you do to improve on that score?

We said before that we’d do a main feature on this sometime, and today’s the day! Fits with the theme of Easter too, as for those who observe, this is a time for a celebration of hope, new beginnings, and life stepping out of the shadows.

On which note, before we go any further, let’s look at a very big “why” of optimism…

There have been many studies done regards optimism and health, and they generally come to the same conclusion: optimism is simply good for the health.

Here’s an example. It’s a longitudinal study, and it followed 121,700 women (what a sample size!) for eight years. It controlled for all kinds of other lifestyle factors (especially smoking, drinking, diet, and exercise habits, as well as pre-existing medical conditions), so this wasn’t a case of “people who are healthy are more optimistic as a result. And, in the researchers’ own words…

❝We found strong and statistically significant associations of increasing levels of optimism with decreasing risks of mortality, including mortality due each major cause of death, such as cancer, heart disease, stroke, respiratory disease, and infection.

Importantly, findings were maintained after close control for potential confounding factors, including sociodemographic characteristics and depression❞

Read: Optimism and Cause-Specific Mortality: A Prospective Cohort Study

So that’s the why. Now for the how…

Positive thinking is not what you think it is

A lot of people think of “think positive thoughts” as a very wishy-washy platitude, but positive thinking isn’t about ignoring what’s wrong, or burying every negative emotion.

Rather, it is taking advantage of the basic CBT, DBT, and, for that matter, NLP principles:

• Our feelings are driven by our thoughts
• Our thoughts can be changed by how we frame things

This is a lot like the idea that “there’s not such thing as bad weather; only the wrong clothes”. Clearly written by someone who’s never been in a hurricane, but by and large, the principle stands true.

For example…

• Most problems can be reframed as opportunities
• Replace “I have to…” with “I get to…”
• Will the task be arduous? It’ll be all the better looking back on it.
• Did you fail abjectly? Be proud that you lived true to your values anyway.

A lot of this is about focusing on what you can control. If you live your life by your values (first figure out what they are, if you haven’t already), then that will become a reassuring thing that you can always count on, no matter what.

Practice positive self-talk (eliminate the negative)

We often learn, usually as children, to be self deprecatory so as to not appear immodest. While modesty certainly has its place, we don’t have to trash ourselves to do that!

There are various approaches to this, for example:

• Replacing a self-criticism (whether it was true or not) with a neutral or positive statement that you know is true. “I suck at xyz” is just putting yourself down, “Xyz is a challenge for me” asks the question, how will you rise to it?
• Replacing a self-criticism with irony. It doesn’t matter how dripping with sarcasm your inner voice is, the words will still be better. “Glamorous as ever!” after accidentally putting mascara in your eye. “So elegant and graceful!” after walking into furniture. And so on.

Practice radical acceptance

This evokes the “optimistic nihilism” approach to life. It’s perhaps not best in all scenarios, but if you’re consciously and rationally pretty sure something is going to be terrible (and/or know it’s completely outside of your control), acknowledging that possibility (or even, likelihood) cheerfully. Borrowing from the last tip, this can be done with as much irony as you find necessary. For example:

Facing a surgery the recovery from which you know categorically will be very painful: with a big smile “Yep, I am going to be in a lot of pain, so that’s going to be fun!” (fun fact: psychological misery will not make the physical pain any less painful, so you might as well see the funny side) ← see link for additional benefits laughter can add to health-related quality of life)

Plan for the future with love

You know the whole “planting trees in whose shade you’ll never sit”, thing, but: actually for yourself too. Plan (and act!) now, out of love and compassion for your future self.

Simple example: preparing (or semi-preparing, if appropriate) breakfast for yourself the night before, when you know in the morning you’ll be tired, hungry, and/or pressed for time. You’ll wake up, remember that you did that, and…

Tip: at moments like that, take a moment to think “Thanks, past me”. (Or call yourself by your name, whatever works for you. For example I, your writer here, might say to myself “Thanks, past Nastja!”)

This helps to build a habit of gratitude for your past self and love for your future self.

This goes for little things like the above, but it also goes for things whereby there’s much longer-term delayed gratification, such as:

• Healthy lifestyle changes (usually these see slow, cumulative progress)
• Good financial strategies (usually these see slow, cumulative progress)
• Long educational courses (usually these see slow, cumulative progress)

Basically: pay it forward to your future self, and thank yourself later!

Some quick ideas of systems and apps that go hard on the “long slow cumulative progress” approach that you can look back on with pride:

• Noom—nutritional program with a psychology-based approach to help you attain and maintain your goals, long term
• You Need A Budget—we’ve recommended it before and we’ll recommend it again. This is so good. If you click through, you can see a short explanation of what makes it so different to other budgeting apps.
• Duolingo—the famously persistence-motivational language learning app