An Important Way That Love Gets Eroded

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It is unusual for a honeymoon period to last forever, but some relationships fair a lot better than others. Not just in terms of staying together vs separating, but in terms of happiness and satisfaction in the relationship. What’s the secret? There are many, but here’s one of them…

Communication

In this video, the case is made for a specific aspect of communication: airing grievances.

Superficially, this doesn’t seem like a recipe for happiness, but it is one important ingredient—that it’s dangerously easy to let small grievances add up and eat away at one’s love and patience, until one day resentment outweighs attachment, and at that point, it often becomes a case of “checking out before you leave”, remaining in the relationship more due to inertia than volition.

Which, in turn, will likely start to cause resentment on the other side, and eventually things will crumble and/or explode.

In contrast, if we make sure to speak our feelings clearly (10almonds note, not in the video: we think that doing so compassionately is also important), the bad as well as the good, then it means that:

  • things don’t stack up and fester (there will less likely be a “final straw” if we are regularly removing straws)
  • there is an opportunity for change (in contrast, our partner would be unlikely to adjust anything to correct a problem they don’t know about)
  • all but the most inclined-to-anxiety partners can rest easy, because they know that if we had a problem, we’d tell them

This is definitely only one critical aspect of communication; this video for example says nothing about actually being affectionate with one’s partner, or making sure to accept emotional bids for connection (per that story that goes “I knew my marriage was over when he wouldn’t come look at the tomatoes I grew”), but it is one worth considering—even if we at 10almonds would advise being gentle yet honest, and where possible balancing, in aggregate if not in the moment, with positive things (per Gottman’s ratio of 5:1 good moments to bad, being the magic number for marriages that “work”).

For more on why it’s so important to be able to safely air grievances, see:

Click Here If The Embedded Video Doesn’t Load Automatically!

Want to learn more?

You might also like to read:

Seriously Useful Communication Skills! ← this deals with some of the important gaps left by the video

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  • Ice Baths: To Dip Or Not To Dip?

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    Many Are Cold, But Few Are Frozen

    We asked you for your (health-related) view of ice baths, and got the above-depicted, below-described, set of responses:

    • About 31% said “ice baths are great for the health; we should take them”
    • About 29% said “ice baths’ risks outweigh their few benefits”
    • About 26% said “ice baths’ benefits outweigh their few risks”
    • About 14% said “ice baths are dangerous and can kill you; best avoided”

    So what does the science say?

    Freezing water is very dangerous: True or False?

    True! Water close to freezing point is indeed very dangerous, and can most certainly kill you.

    Fun fact, though: many such people are still saveable with timely medical intervention, in part because the same hypothermia that is killing them also slows down the process* of death

    Source (and science) for both parts of that:

    Cold water immersion: sudden death and prolonged survival

    *and biologically speaking, death is a process, not an event, by the way. But we don’t have room for that today!

    (unless you die in some sudden violent way, such as a powerful explosion that destroys your brain instantly; then it’s an event)

    Ice baths are thus also very dangerous: True or False?

    False! Assuming that they are undertaken responsibly and you have no chronic diseases that make it more dangerous for you.

    What does “undertaken responsibly” mean?

    Firstly, the temperature should not be near freezing. It should be 10–15℃, which for Americans is 50–59℉.

    You can get a bath thermometer to check this, by the way. Here’s an example product on Amazon.

    Secondly, your ice bath should last no more than 10–15 minutes. This is not a place to go to sleep.

    What chronic diseases would make it dangerous?

    Do check with your doctor if you have any doubts, as no list we make can be exhaustive and we don’t know your personal medical history, but the main culprits are:

    • Cardiovascular disease
    • Hypertension
    • Diabetes (any type)

    The first two are for heart attack risk; the latter is because diabetes can affect core temperature regulation.

    Ice baths are good for the heart: True or False?

    True or False depending on how they’re done, and your health before starting.

    For most people, undertaking ice baths responsibly, repeated ice bath use causes the cardiovascular system to adapt to better maintain homeostasis when subjected to thermal shock (i.e. sudden rapid changes in temperature).

    For example: Respiratory and cardiovascular responses to cold stress following repeated cold water immersion

    And because that was a small study, here’s a big research review with a lot of data; just scroll to where it has the heading“Specific thermoregulative adaptations to regular exposure to cold air and/or cold water exposure“ for many examples and much discussion:

    Health effects of voluntary exposure to cold water: a continuing subject of debate

    Ice baths are good against inflammation: True or False?

    True! Here’s one example:

    Winter-swimming as a building-up body resistance factor inducing adaptive changes in the oxidant/antioxidant status

    Uric acid and glutathione levels (important markers of chronic inflammation) are also significantly affected:

    Uric acid and glutathione levels during short-term whole body cold exposure

    Want to know more?

    That’s all we have room for today, but check out our previous “Expert Insights” main feature looking at Wim Hof’s work in cryotherapy:

    A Cold Shower A Day Keeps The Doctor Away?

    Enjoy!

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  • Mental Health Courts Can Struggle to Fulfill Decades-Old Promise

    10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.

    GAINESVILLE, Ga. — In early December, Donald Brown stood nervously in the Hall County Courthouse, concerned he’d be sent back to jail.

    The 55-year-old struggles with depression, addiction, and suicidal thoughts. He worried a judge would terminate him from a special diversion program meant to keep people with mental illness from being incarcerated. He was failing to keep up with the program’s onerous work and community service requirements.

    “I’m kind of scared. I feel kind of defeated,” Brown said.

    Last year, Brown threatened to take his life with a gun and his family called 911 seeking help, he said. The police arrived, and Brown was arrested and charged with a felony of firearm possession.

    After months in jail, Brown was offered access to the Health Empowerment Linkage and Possibilities, or HELP, Court. If he pleaded guilty, he’d be connected to services and avoid prison time. But if he didn’t complete the program, he’d possibly face incarceration.

    “It’s almost like coercion,” Brown said. “‘Here, sign these papers and get out of jail.’ I feel like I could have been dealt with a lot better.”

    Advocates, attorneys, clinicians, and researchers said courts such as the one Brown is navigating can struggle to live up to their promise. The diversion programs, they said, are often expensive and resource-intensive, and serve fewer than 1% of the more than 2 million people who have a serious mental illness and are booked into U.S. jails each year.

    People can feel pressured to take plea deals and enter the courts, seeing the programs as the only route to get care or avoid prison time. The courts are selective, due in part to political pressures on elected judges and prosecutors. Participants must often meet strict requirements that critics say aren’t treatment-focused, such as regular hearings and drug screenings.

    And there is a lack of conclusive evidence on whether the courts help participants long-term. Some legal experts, like Lea Johnston, a professor of law at the University of Florida, worry the programs distract from more meaningful investments in mental health resources.

    Jails and prisons are not the place for individuals with mental disorders, she said. “But I’m also not sure that mental health court is the solution.”

    The country’s first mental health court was established in Broward County, Florida, in 1997, “as a way to promote recovery and mental health wellness and avoid criminalizing mental health problems.” The model was replicated with millions in funding from such federal agencies as the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration and the Department of Justice.

    More than 650 adult and juvenile mental health courts were operational as of 2022, according to the National Treatment Court Resource Center. There’s no set way to run them. Generally, participants receive treatment plans and get linked to services. Judges and mental health clinicians oversee their progress.

    Researchers from the center found little evidence that the courts improve participants’ mental health or keep them out of the criminal justice system. “Few studies … assess longer-term impacts” of the programs “beyond one year after program exit,” said a 2022 policy brief on mental health courts.

    The courts work best when paired with investments in services such as clinical treatment, recovery programs, and housing and employment opportunities, said Kristen DeVall, the center’s co-director.

    “If all of these other supports aren’t invested in, then it’s kind of a wash,” she said.

    The courts should be seen as “one intervention in that larger system,” DeVall said, not “the only resource to serve folks with mental health needs” who get caught up in the criminal justice system.

    Resource limitations can also increase the pressures to apply for mental health court programs, said Lisa M. Wayne, executive director of the National Association of Criminal Defense Lawyers. People seeking help might not feel they have alternatives.

    “It’s not going to be people who can afford mental health intervention. It’s poor people, marginalized folks,” she said.

    Other court skeptics wonder about the larger costs of the programs.

    In a study of a mental health court in Pennsylvania, Johnston and a University of Florida colleague found participants were sentenced to longer time under government supervision than if they’d gone through the regular criminal justice system.

    “The bigger problem is they’re taking attention away from more important solutions that we should be investing in, like community mental health care,” Johnston said.

    When Melissa Vergara’s oldest son, Mychael Difrancisco, was arrested on felony gun charges in Queens in May 2021, she thought he would be an ideal candidate for the New York City borough’s mental health court because of his diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder and other behavioral health conditions.

    She estimated she spent tens of thousands of dollars to prepare Difrancisco’s case for consideration. Meanwhile, her son sat in jail on Rikers Island, where she said he was assaulted multiple times and had to get half a finger amputated after it was caught in a cell door.

    In the end, his case was denied diversion into mental health court. Difrancisco, 22, is serving a prison sentence that could be as long as four years and six months.

    “There’s no real urgency to help people with mental health struggles,” Vergara said.

    Critics worry such high bars to entry can lead the programs to exclude people who could benefit the most. Some courts don’t allow those accused of violent or sexual crimes to participate. Prosecutors and judges can face pressure from constituents that may lead them to block individuals accused of high-profile offenses.

    And judges often aren’t trained to make decisions about participants’ care, said Raji Edayathumangalam, senior policy social worker with New York County Defender Services.

    “It’s inappropriate,” she said. “We’re all licensed to practice in our different professions for a reason. I can’t show up to do a hernia operation just because I read about it or sat next to a hernia surgeon.”

    Mental health courts can be overly focused on requirements such as drug testing, medication compliance, and completing workbook assignments, rather than progress toward recovery and clinical improvement, Edayathumangalam said.

    Completing the programs can leave some participants with clean criminal records. But failing to meet a program’s requirements can trigger penalties — including incarceration.

    During a recent hearing in the Clayton County Behavioral Health Accountability Court in suburban Atlanta, one woman left the courtroom in tears when Judge Shana Rooks Malone ordered her to report to jail for a seven-day stay for “being dishonest” about whether she was taking court-required medication.

    It was her sixth infraction in the program — previous consequences included written assignments and “bench duty,” in which participants must sit and think about their participation in the program.

    “I don’t like to incarcerate,” Malone said. “That particular participant has had some challenges. I’m rooting for her. But all the smaller penalties haven’t worked.”

    Still, other participants praised Malone and her program. And, in general, some say such diversion programs provide a much-needed lifeline.

    Michael Hobby, 32, of Gainesville was addicted to heroin and fentanyl when he was arrested for drug possession in August 2021. After entry into the HELP Court program, he got sober, started taking medication for anxiety and depression, and built a stable life.

    “I didn’t know where to reach out for help,” he said. “I got put in handcuffs, and it saved my life.”

    Even as Donald Brown awaited his fate, he said he had started taking medication to manage his depression and has stayed sober because of HELP Court.

    “I’ve learned a new way of life. Instead of getting high, I’m learning to feel things now,” he said.

    Brown avoided jail that early December day. A hearing to decide his fate could happen in the next few weeks. But even if he’s allowed to remain in the program, Brown said, he’s worried it’s only a matter of time before he falls out of compliance.

    “To try to improve myself and get locked up for it is just a kick in the gut,” he said. “I tried really hard.”

    KFF Health News senior correspondent Fred Clasen-Kelly contributed to this report.

    KFF Health News is a national newsroom that produces in-depth journalism about health issues and is one of the core operating programs at KFF—an independent source of health policy research, polling, and journalism. Learn more about KFF.

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    Subscribe to KFF Health News’ free Morning Briefing.

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  • Starfruit vs Soursop – Which is Healthier?

    10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.

    Our Verdict

    When comparing starfruit to soursop, we picked the soursop.

    Why?

    First, by starfruit, we also mean carambola, which is a different name for the same fruit, and by soursop we also mean graviola/guyabano/guanábana, which are different namers for the same fruit. Now, as for their health qualities:

    In terms of macros, the soursop has more carbs and fiber, the ratio of which also give it the lower glycemic index. So, a win for soursop here.

    When it comes to vitamins, starfruit has more of vitamins A, B5, C, and E, while soursop has more of vitamins B1, B2, B3, B6, B7, B9, and K. Another win for soursop.

    In the category of minerals, starfruit has slightly more copper, manganese, and zinc, while soursop has much more calcium, iron, magnesium, phosphorus, and potassium. One more win for soursop!

    Adding up the sections makes for a clear and overwhelming win for soursop, but let’s address to quick safety considerations while we’re here:

    1. Soursop extract has been claimed to be an effective cancer treatment. It isn’t. There is no evidence for this at all; just one unscrupulous company that spread the claims.
    2. Soursop contains annonacin, a neurotoxin. That sounds scary, but much like with apple seeds and cyanide, the quantities you’d have to consume to suffer ill effects are absurd. Remember how capsaicin (as found in hot peppers) is also a neurotoxin, too and has many health benefits. Humans have a long and happy tradition of enjoying things that are toxic at high doses, but in small doses are neutral or even beneficial. Pretty much all things we can consume (including oxygen, and water) are toxic at sufficient doses.

    In short, both of these fruits are fine and good, neither will treat cancer, but both will help to keep you in good health. As for nutritional density, the soursop wins in every category.

    Want to learn more?

    You might like to read:

    Top 8 Fruits That Prevent & Kill Cancer ← soursop has no special cancer treatment properties, but actual evidence shows these fruits are beneficial (being good as a preventative, and also definitely a worthy adjunct to—but not a replacement for—mainstream anticancer therapies if you have cancer).

    Take care!

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Related Posts

  • Heal Your Stressed Brain
  • The Other Significant Others – by Rhaina Cohen

    10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.

    As we get older, it’s a function of statistics that increasingly many of us are divorced or widowed. While some will—after whatever time seems right to them—get back into dating, what about those of us who decide that we won’t?

    Rhaina Cohen explores the importance of friendship, mutual support, and (Platonic!) closeness and yes, even kinds of intimacy (for that too can be Platonic!) as we go on.

    Even from a purely evolutionary approach, we are fundamentally social creatures, and while as individuals we may exist on a spectrum from reclusive to extroverted, we all thrive better when we at least have access to community and friends.

    The style of the book is easy-reading and exploratory, and is very compelling as a call-to-arms for those who may wish to give/receive support to/from those with whom we are not necessarily sleeping.

    Because at the end of the day, why should sex and/or romance be a required feature for legal protections? Aren’t we adults who can make our own decisions about whom we trust to care for us?

    Bottom line: if you’re happily partnered and expect to pre-decease your partner, this book might not be directly important for you (it might for your partner, though). Everyone else? This book may be important at some point. That point might even be now already; only you know.

    Click here to check out The Other Significant Others, and make your own choices in life!

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  • Swordfish vs Tuna – Which is Healthier?

    10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.

    Our Verdict

    When comparing swordfish to tuna, we picked the tuna.

    Why?

    Today in “that which is more expensive is not necessarily the healthier”…

    Considering the macros first, swordfish has more than 8x more total fat, about 9x more saturated fat, and yes, more cholesterol. On the other hand, tuna has more protein. An easy win for tuna.

    In terms of vitamins, swordfish has more of vitamins A, B5, D, and E, while tuna has more of vitamins B1, B2, B3, B6, and B12. A marginal win for tuna, unless you want to weight the other vitamins more heavily, in which case, more likely a tie, or maybe even an argument for swordfish if you have a particular vitamin deficiency on that side.

    When it comes to minerals, swordfish has more calcium and zinc, while tuna has more iron, magnesium, manganese, phosphorus, potassium, and selenium. A clear win for tuna.

    One other thing: they’re both very rich in mercury, and while tuna is bad for that, swordfish has nearly 3x as much.

    In short, both have a good spread of vitamins and minerals, and both are quite tainted with mercury, but in relative terms, there’s a clear winner even before considering the very different macros, and the winner is tuna.

    Want to learn more?

    You might like to read:

    Farmed Fish vs Wild Caught: Important Differences

    Take care!

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  • Chestnuts vs Hazelnuts – Which is Healthier?

    10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.

    Our Verdict

    When comparing chestnuts to hazelnuts, we picked the hazelnuts.

    Why?

    This one’s not close.

    In terms of macros, we have some big difference to start with, since chestnuts contain a lot more water and carbs whereas hazelnuts contain a lot more protein, fats, and fiber. The fats, as with most nuts, are healthy; in this case mostly being monounsaturated fat.

    Because of the carbs and fiber being so polarized (i.e., chestnuts have most of the carbs and hazelnuts have most of the fiber), there’s a big difference in glycemic index; chestnuts have a GI of 52 while hazelnuts have a GI of 15.

    In the category of vitamins, chestnuts contain more vitamin C, while hazelnuts contain more of vitamins A, B1, B2, B3, B5, B6, and B9.

    When it comes to minerals, the story is similar: chestnuts contain a tiny bit more potassium, while hazelnuts contain a lot more calcium, copper, iron, magnesium, manganese, phosphorus, and zinc.

    All in all, chestnuts aren’t bad for the health, but hazelnuts are a lot better in almost every way.

    Want to learn more?

    You might like to read:

    Why You Should Diversify Your Nuts

    Take care!

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