Seriously Useful Communication Skills!
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What Are Communication Skills, Really?
Superficially, communication is “conveying an idea to someone else”. But then again…
Superficially, painting is “covering some kind of surface in paint”, and yet, for some reason, the ceiling you painted at home is not regarded as equally “good painting skills” as Michaelangelo’s, with regard to the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.
All kinds of “Dark Psychology” enthusiasts on YouTube, authors of “Office Machiavelli” handbooks, etc, tell us that good communication skills are really a matter of persuasive speaking (or writing). And let’s not even get started on “pick-up artist” guides. Bleugh.
Not to get too philosophical, but here at 10almonds, we think that having good communication skills means being able to communicate ideas simply and clearly, and in a way that will benefit as many people as possible.
The implications of this for education are obvious, but what of other situations?
Conflict Resolution
Whether at work or at home or amongst friends or out in public, conflict will happen at some point. Even the most well-intentioned and conscientious partners, family, friends, colleagues, will eventually tread on our toes—or we, on theirs. Often because of misunderstandings, so much precious time will be lost needlessly. It’s good for neither schedule nor soul.
So, how to fix those situations?
I’m OK; You’re OK
In the category of “bestselling books that should have been an article at most”, a top-tier candidate is Thomas Harris’s “I’m OK; You’re OK”.
The (very good) premise of this (rather padded) book is that when seeking to resolve a conflict or potential conflict, we should look for a win-win:
- I’m not OK; you’re not OK ❌
- For example: “Yes, I screwed up and did this bad thing, but you too do bad things all the time”
- I’m OK; you’re not OK ❌
- For example: “It is not I who screwed up; this is actually all your fault”
- I’m not OK; you’re OK ❌
- For example: “I screwed up and am utterly beyond redemption; you should immediately divorce/disown/dismiss/defenestrate me”
- I’m OK; you’re OK ✅
- For example: “I did do this thing which turned out to be incorrect; in my defence it was because you said xyz, but I can understand why you said that, because…” and generally finding a win-win outcome.
So far, so simple.
“I”-Messages
In a conflict, it’s easy to get caught up in “you did this, you did that”, often rushing to assumptions about intent or meaning. And, the closer we are to the person in question, the more emotionally charged, and the more likely we are to do this as a knee-jerk response.
“How could you treat me this way?!” if we are talking to our spouse in a heated moment, perhaps, or “How can you treat a customer this way?!” if it’s a worker at Home Depot.
But the reality is that almost certainly neither our spouse nor the worker wanted to upset us.
Going on the attack will merely put them on the defensive, and they may even launch their own counterattack. It’s not good for anyone.
Instead, what really happened? Express it starting with the word “I”, rather than immediately putting it on the other person. Often our emotions require a little interrogation before they’ll tell us the truth, but it may be something like:
“I expected x, so when you did/said y instead, I was confused and hurt/frustrated/angry/etc”
Bonus: if your partner also understands this kind of communication situation, so much the better! Dark psychology be damned, everything is best when everyone knows the playbook and everyone is seeking the best outcome for all sides.
The Most Powerful “I”-Message Of All
Statements that start with “I” will, unless you are rules-lawyering in bad faith, tend to be less aggressive and thus prompt less defensiveness. An important tool for the toolbox, is:
“I need…”
Softly spoken, firmly if necessary, but gentle. If you do not express your needs, how can you expect anyone to fulfil them? Be that person a partner or a retail worker or anyone else. Probably they want to end the conflict too, so throw them a life-ring and they will (if they can, and are at least halfway sensible) grab it.
- “I need an apology”
- “I need a moment to cool down”
- “I need a refund”
- “I need some reassurance about…” (and detail)
Help the other person to help you!
Everything’s best when it’s you (plural) vs the problem, rather than you (plural) vs each other.
Apology Checklist
Does anyone else remember being forced to write an insincere letter of apology as a child, and the literary disaster that probably followed? As adults, we (hopefully) apologize when and if we mean it, and we want our apology to convey that.
What follows will seem very formal, but honestly, we recommend it in personal life as much as professional. It’s a ten-step apology, and you will forget these steps, so we recommend to copy and paste them into a Notes app or something, because this is of immeasurable value.
It’s good not just for when you want to apologize, but also, for when it’s you who needs an apology and needs to feel it’s sincere. Give your partner (if applicable) a copy of the checklist too!
- Statement of apology—say “I’m sorry”
- Name the offense—say what you did wrong
- Take responsibility for the offense—understand your part in the problem
- Attempt to explain the offense (not to excuse it)—how did it happen and why
- Convey emotions; show remorse
- Address the emotions/damage to the other person—show that you understand or even ask them how it affected them
- Admit fault—understand that you got it wrong and like other human beings you make mistakes
- Promise to be better—let them realize you’re trying to change
- Tell them how you will try to do it different next time and finally
- Request acceptance of the apology
Note: just because you request acceptance of the apology doesn’t mean they must give it. Maybe they won’t, or maybe they need time first. If they’re playing from this same playbook, they might say “I need some time to process this first” or such.
Want to really superpower your relationship? Read this together with your partner:
Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, and, as a bonus:
The Hold Me Tight Workbook: A Couple’s Guide for a Lifetime of Love
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Broccoli vs Cabbage – Which is Healthier?
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Our Verdict
When comparing broccoli to cabbage, we picked the broccoli.
Why?
Here we go once again pitting two different cultivars of the same species (Brassica oleracea) against each other, and/but once again, there is one that comes out as nutritionally best.
In terms of macros, broccoli has more protein, carbs, and fiber, while they are both low glycemic index foods. The differences are small though, so it’s fairest to call this category a tie.
When it comes to vitamins, broccoli has more of vitamins A, B1, B2, B3, B5, B6, B7, B9, C, E, K, and choline, while cabbage is not higher in any vitamins. It should be noted that cabbage is still good for these, especially vitamins C and K, but broccoli is simply better.
In the category of minerals, broccoli has more calcium, copper, iron, magnesium, manganese, phosphorus, potassium, selenium, and zinc, while cabbage is not higher in any minerals. Again though, cabbage is still good, especially in calcium, iron, and manganese, but again, broccoli is simply better.
Of course, enjoy either or both! But if you want the nutritionally densest option, it’s broccoli.
Want to learn more?
You might like to read:
What’s Your Plant Diversity Score?
Take care!
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The Unchaste Berry
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A Chasteberry, By Any Other Name…
Vitex agnus castus, literally “chaste lamb vine”, hence its modern common English name “chasteberry”, gets its name from its traditional use as an anaphrodisiac for monks (indeed, it’s also called “monk’s pepper”), which traditional use is not in the slightest backed up by modern science.
Nor is its second most popular traditional use (the increase in production of milk) well-supported by science either:
❝Its traditional use as a galactagogue (i.e., a substance that enhances breast milk production) is not well supported in the literature and should be discouraged. There are no clinical data to support the use of chasteberry for reducing sexual desire, which has been a traditional application❞
Source: American Family Physician | Chasteberry
Both of those supposed effects of the chasteberry go against the fact that it has a prolactin-lowering effect:
❝It appears that [chasteberry] may represent a potentially useful and safe phytotherapic option for the management of selected patients with mild hyperprolactinaemia who wish to be treated with phytotherapy.❞
Source: Vitex agnus castus effects on hyperprolactinaemia
Prolactin, by the way, is the hormone that (as the name suggests) stimulates milk production, and also reduces sexual desire (and motivation in general)
- In most women, it spikes during breastfeeding
- In most men, it spikes after orgasm
- In both, it can promote anhedonic depression, as it antagonizes dopamine
In other words, the actual pharmacological effect of chasteberry, when it comes to prolactin, is the opposite of what we would expect from its traditional use.
Ok, so it’s an unchaste berry after all…. Does it have any other claims to examine?
Yes! It genuinely does help relieve PMS, for those who have it, and reduce menopause symptoms, for those who have those, for example:
❝Dry extract of agnus castus fruit is an effective and well tolerated treatment for the relief of symptoms of the premenstrual syndrome.❞
❝That [Vitex agnus castus] trial indicated strong symptomatic relief of common menopausal symptoms❞
Source: Vitex agnus castus essential oil and menopausal balance: a research update
Is it safe?
Generally speaking, yes. It has been described as “well-tolerated” in the studies we mentioned above, which means it has a good safety profile.
However, it may interfere with some antipsychotic medications, certain kinds of hormone replacement therapy, or hormonal birth control.
As ever, speak with your doctor/pharmacist if unsure!
Where can I get some?
We don’t sell it, but here for your convenience is an example product on Amazon
Enjoy!
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The #1 Foot Health Secret Everyone Over 50 Should Know
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Our favorite over-50s specialist physio Will Harlow is here to keep us on our toes:
Mobility requires mobilization
As we age, our toes are inclined to become stiffer. Stiff toes lead to balance issues and increased risk of falling.
A study cited in the video showed that two weeks of toe mobilization improved foot-ground contact by 30% in older adults, enhancing balance and reducing falls.
Here’s the routine:
- Toe flexion:
- Apply moisturizer or oil to your hands.
- Pull your toes downwards, then let them return their normal position.
- Repeat for one minute per foot.
- Toe extension:
- Rub hands from the heel under the toes.
- Push your toes upwards, then let them return to their normal position.
- Repeat for one minute per foot.
- Foot rotation:
- Hold both sides of your foot and twist it in one direction, then the other.
- This helps loosen foot joints and improve flexibility.
- Perform for one minute in each direction per foot.
For more on each of these plus visual demonstrations, enjoy:
Click Here If The Embedded Video Doesn’t Load Automatically!
Want to learn more?
You might also like:
Steps For Keeping Your Feet A Healthy Foundation
Take care!
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- Toe flexion:
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Health Benefits Of Cranberries (But: You’d Better Watch Out)
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Health Benefits Of Cranberries (But: You’d Better Watch Out)
Quick clarification first: today we’re going to be talking about cranberries. Not “cranberry juice drink” that is loaded with sugar, nor “cranberry jelly” or similar that is more added sugar than it is cranberry.
We’re going to keep this short today, because “eat berries” is probably something you know already, but there are some things you should be aware of!
The benefits
Cranberries, even more than most berries, are full of polyphenols and flavonoids that do “those three things that usually come together”: antioxidant properties, anti-inflammatory properties, and anti-cancer properties
Unsurprisingly, this also means they’re good for the immune system and thus quite a boon in flu season:
They’re also good for heart health:
Quick Tip: we’re giving you one study for each of these things for brevity, but if you click through on any of our PubMed study links, you’ll (almost) always see a heading “Similar articles” heading beneath it, which will (almost) always show you plenty more.
Perhaps the most popular reason people take cranberry supplements, though, is their effectiveness at prevention of urinary tract infections:
Indeed, their effectiveness is such that researchers have considered them a putative alternative to antibiotics, particularly in individuals with recurrent UTIs:
Is it safe?
Cranberries are generally considered a very healthful food. However, there are two known possible exceptions:
If you are taking warfarin, it is possible that cranberry consumption may cause additional anti-clotting effects that you don’t want.
If you are at increased risk of kidney stones, the science is currently unclear as to whether this will help or hinder:
- Influence of cranberry juice on the urinary risk factors for calcium oxalate kidney stone formation ← this one concluded “Cranberry juice has antilithogenic properties and, as such, deserves consideration as a conservative therapeutic protocol in managing calcium oxalate urolithiasis”
- Dietary supplementation with cranberry concentrate tablets may increase the risk of nephrolithiasis ← this one, as you can see, concluded the opposite
- Safety of Cranberry: Evaluation of Evidence of Kidney Stone Formation and Botanical Drug-Interactions ← this one acknowledges “contradictory data regarding the role of cranberry in kidney stone formation”
Where can I get some?
You can probably buy fresh, frozen, or dried cranberries from wherever you normally do your grocery shopping.
However, if you prefer to take it in supplement form, then here’s an example product on Amazon
Enjoy!
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Rise And (Really) Shine!
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Q&A with 10almonds Subscribers!
Q: Would love to hear more ideas about effective first thing in the morning time management to get a great start on your day.
A: There are a lot of schools of thought about what’s best in this regard! Maybe we’ll do a main feature sometime. But some things that are almost universally agreed upon are:
- Prepare your to-do list the night before
- Have some sort of buffer between waking up and getting to productivity.
- For me (hi, your writer here) it’s my first coffee of the day. It’s not even about the caffeine, it’s about the ritual of it, it’s a marker that separates my night from the day and tells my brain what gear to get into.
- Others may like to exercise first thing in the morning
- For still yet others, it could be a shower, cold or otherwise
- Some people like a tall glass of lemon water to rehydrate after sleeping!
- If you take drinkable morning supplements such as this pretty awesome nootropic stack, it’s a great time for that and an excellent way to get the brain-juices flowing!
- When you do get to productivity: eat the frog first! What this means is: if eating a frog is the hardest thing you’ll have to do all day, do that first. Basically, tackle the most intimidating task first. That way, you won’t spend your day stressed/anxious and/or subconsciously wasting time in order to procrastinate and avoid it.
- Counterpart to the above: a great idea is to also plan something to look forward to when your working day is done. It doesn’t matter much what it is, provided it’s rewarding to you, that makes you keen to finish your tasks to get to it.
Have a question you’d like to see answered here? Hit reply to this email, or use the feedback widget at the bottom! We always love to hear from you
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Thai-Style Kale Chips
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…that are actually crispy, tasty, and packed with nutrients! Lots of magnesium and calcium, and array of health-giving spices too.
You will need
- 7 oz raw curly kale, stalks removed
- extra virgin olive oil, for drizzling
- 3 cloves garlic, crushed
- 2 tsp red chili flakes (or crushed dried red chilis)
- 2 tsp light soy sauce
- 2 tsp water
- 1 tbsp crunchy peanut butter (pick one with no added sugar, salt, etc)
- 1 tsp honey
- 1 tsp Thai seven-spice powder
- 1 tsp black pepper
- 1 tsp MSG or 1 tsp low-sodium salt
Method
(we suggest you read everything at least once before doing anything)
1) Pre-heat the oven to 180℃ / 350℉ / Gas mark 4.
2) Put the kale in a bowl and drizzle a little olive oil over it. Work the oil in gently with your fingertips so that the kale is coated; the leaves will also soften while you do this; that’s expected, so don’t worry.
3) Mix the rest of the ingredients to make a sauce; coat the kale leaves with the sauce.
4) Place on a baking tray, as spread-out as there’s room for, and bake on a middle shelf for 15–20 minutes. If your oven has a fierce heat source at the top, it can be good to place an empty baking tray on a shelf above the kale chips, to baffle the heat and prevent them from cooking unevenly—especially if it’s not a fan oven.
5) Remove and let cool, and then serve! They can also be stored in an airtight container if desired.
Enjoy!
Want to learn more?
For those interested in some of the science of what we have going on today:
- Brain Food? The Eyes Have It!
- Our Top 5 Spices: How Much Is Enough For Benefits?
- What’s The Truth About MSG?
Take care!
Don’t Forget…
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