The Show Must Go On

We’ve previously written about the topics of death and dying. It’s not cheery, but it is important to tackle.

Sooner is better than later, in the case of:

Preparations For Managing Your Own Mortality

And for those who are left behind, of course it is hardest of all:

What Grief Does To Your Body (And How To Manage It)

But what about what comes next? For those who are left behind, that is.

Life goes on

In cases when the death is that of a close loved one, the early days after death can seem like a surreal blur. How can the world go ticking on as normal when [loved one] is dead?

But incontrovertibly, it does, so we can only ask again: how?

And, we get to choose that, to a degree. The above-linked article about grief gives a “101” rundown, but it’s (by necessity, for space) a scant preparation for one of the biggest challenges in life that most of us will ever face.

For many people, processing grief involves a kind of “saying goodbye”. For others, it doesn’t, as in the following cases of grieving the loss of one’s child—something no parent should ever have to face, but it happens:

Dr. Ken Druck | The Love That Never Dies

(with warning, the above article is a little heavy)

In short: for those who choose not to “say goodbye” in the case of the death of a loved one, it’s more often not a case of cold neglect, but rather the opposite—a holding on. Not in the “denial” sense of holding on, but rather in the sense of “I am not letting go of this feeling of love, no matter how much it might hurt to hold onto; it’s all I have”.

What about widows, and love after death?

Note: we’ll use the feminine “widow” here as a) it’s the most common and b) most scientific literature focuses on widows, but there is no reason why most of the same things won’t also apply to widowers.

We say “most”, as society does tend to treat widows and widowers differently, having different expectations about a respectful mourning period, one’s comportment during same, and so on.

As an aside: most scientific literature also assumes heterosexuality, which is again statistically reasonable, and for the mostpart the main difference is any extra challenges presented by non-recognition of marriages, and/or homophobic in-laws. But otherwise, grief is grief, and as the saying goes, love is love.

One last specificity before we get into the meat of this: we are generally assuming marriages to be monogamous here. Polyamorous arrangements will likely sidestep most of these issues completely, but again, they’re not the norm.

Firstly, there’s a big difference between remarrying (or similar) after being widowed, and remarrying (or similar) after a divorce, and that largely lies in the difference of how they begin. A divorce is (however stressful it may often be) more often seen as a transition into a new period of freedom, whereas bereavement is almost always felt as a terrible loss.

The science, by the way, shows the stats for this; people are less likely to remarry, and slower to remarry if they do, in instances of bereavement rather than divorce, for example:

Timing of Remarriage Among Divorced and Widowed Parents

Love after death: the options

For widows, then, there seem to be multiple options:

• Hold on to the feelings for one’s deceased partner; never remarry
• Grieve, move on, find new love, relegating the old to history
• Try to balance the two (this is tricky but can be done*)

*Why is balancing the two tricky, and how can it be done?

It’s tricky because ultimately there are three people’s wishes at hand:

• The deceased (“they would want me to be happy” vs “I feel I would be betraying them”—which two feelings can also absolutely come together, by the way)
• Yourself (whether you actually want to get a new partner, or just remain single—this is your 100% your choice either way, and your decision should be made consciously)
• The new love (how comfortable are they with your continued feelings for your late love, really?)

And obviously only two of the above can be polled for opinions, and the latter one might say what they think we want to hear, only to secretly and/or later resent it.

One piece of solid advice for the happily married: talk with your partner now about how you each would feel about the other potentially remarrying in the event of your death. Do they have your pre-emptive blessing to do whatever, do you ask a respectable mourning period first (how long?), would the thought just plain make you jealous? Be honest, and bid your partner be honest too.

One piece of solid advice for everyone: make sure you, and your partner(s), as applicable, have a good emotional safety net, if you can. Close friends or family members that you genuinely completely trust to be there through thick and thin, to hold your/their hand through the emotional wreck that will likely follow.

Because, while depression and social loneliness are expected and looked out for, it’s emotional loneliness that actually hits the hardest, for most people:

Longitudinal Examination of Emotional Functioning in Older Adults After Spousal Bereavement

…which means that having even just one close friend or family member with whom one can be at one’s absolute worst, express emotions without censure, not have to put on the socially expected appearance of emotional stability… Having that one person (ideally more, but having at least one is critical) can make a huge difference.

But what if a person has nobody?

That’s definitely a hard place to be, but here’s a good starting point:

How To Beat Loneliness & Isolation

Take care!

Curiosity Kills The Neurodegeneration

Of the seven things that Leonardo da Vinci considered most important for developing and maintaining the mind, number one on his list was curiosity, and we’re going to be focussing on that today.

In case you are curious about what seven things made Leonardo’s* list, they were:

1. Curiosità: an insatiably curious approach to life and an unrelenting quest for continuous learning
2. Dimostrazione: a commitment to test knowledge through experience, persistence, and a willingness to learn from mistakes
3. Sensazione: the continual refinement of the senses, especially sight, as a means to enliven experience
4. Sfumato: (lit: “gone up in smoke”) a willingness to embrace ambiguity, paradox, and uncertainty
5. Arte/Scienza: the curated balance of art and science, imagination and logic
6. Corporalità: the cultivation of physical grace, ambidexterity, and fitness
7. Connessione: a recognition of and appreciation for the interconnectedness of phenomena (systems-based thinking)

*In case you are curious why we wrote “Leonardo” and not “da Vinci” as per our usual convention of shortening names to last names, da Vinci is not technically a name, in much the same way as “of Nazareth” was not a name.

You can read more about all 7 of these in a book that we’ve reviewed previously:

How to Think Like Leonardo da Vinci: Seven Steps to Genius Every Day – by Michael J. Gelb

But for now, let’s take on “curiosity”!

If you need an extra reason to focus on growing and nurturing your curiosity, it was also #1 of Dr. Daniel Levitin’s list of…

The Five Keys Of Aging Healthily

…and that’s from a modern-day neuroscientist whose research focuses on aging, the brain, health, productivity, and creativity.

But how do we foster curiosity in the age of Google?

Curiosity is like a muscle: use it or lose it

While it’s true that many things can be Googled to satisfy one’s curiosity in an instant…

• do you? It’s only useful if you do use it
• is the top result on Google reliable?
• there are many things that aren’t available there

In short: douse “fast food information” sources, but don’t rely on them! Not just for the sake of having correct information, but also: for the actual brain benefits which is what we are aiming for here with today’s article.

If you want the best brain benefits, dive in, and go deep

Here at 10almonds we often present superficial information, with links to deeper information (often: scholarly articles). We do this because a) there’s only so much we can fit in our articles and b) we know you only have so much time available, and/but may choose to dive deeper.

Think of it in layers, e.g:

• Collagen is good for joints and bones
• Collagen is a protein made of these amino acids that also requires these vitamins and minerals to be present in order to formulate it
• Those amino acids are needed in these quantities, of which this particular one is usually the weakest link that might need supplementing, and those vitamins and minerals need to be within this period of time, but not these ones at the exact same time, or else it will disrupt the process of collagen synthesis

(in case you’re curious, we covered this here and here and offered a very good, very in-depth book about it here)

Now, this doesn’t mean that to have a healthy brain you need to have the equivalent knowledge of an anatomy & physiology degree, but it is good to have that level of curiosity in at least some areas of your life—and the more, the better.

Top tips for developing a habit of curiosity

As you probably know, most of our endeavors as humans go best when they are habits:

How To Really Pick Up (And Keep!) Those Habits

And as for specifically building a habit of curiosity:

1. Make a deal with yourself that when someone is excited to tell you what they know about something (no matter whether it is your grandkid, or the socially awkward nerd at a party, or whoever), listen and learn, no matter the topic.
2. Learn at least one language other than your native language (presumably English for most of our readers). Not only does learning a language convey a lot of brain benefits of its own, but also, it is almost impossible to separate language learning from cultural learning, and so you will learn a lot about another culture too, and have whole new worlds opened up to you. Again, more is better, but one second language is already a lot better than none.
3. Make a regular habit of going to your local library, and picking out a non-fiction book to take home and read. This has an advantage over a bookshop, by the way (and not just that the library is free): since library books must be returned, you will keep going back, and build a habit of taking out books.
4. Pick a skill that you’d like to make into a fully-fledged hobby, and commit to continually learning as much about it as you can. We already covered language-learning above, but others might include: gardening (perhaps a specific kind), cooking (perhaps a specific kind), needlecraft (perhaps a specific kind), dance (perhaps a specific kind). You could learn a musical instrument. Or it could be something very directly useful, like learning to be a first responder in case of emergencies, and committing to continually learning more about it (because there is always more to learn).

And when it comes to the above choices… Pick things that excite you, regardless of how practical or not they are. Because that stimulation that keeps on driving you? That’s what keeps your brain active, healthy, and sharp.

Enjoy!