Loving Someone Who Has Dementia – by Dr. Pauline Boss

We previously reviewed Dr. Boss’s excellent book “Loss, Trauma, and Resilience: Therapeutic Work With Ambiguous Loss”, which partially overlaps in ideas with this one. In that case, it was about grief when a loved one is “gone, but are they really?”, which can include missing persons, people killed in ways that weren’t 100% confirmed (e.g. no body to bury), and in contrast, people who are present in body but not entirely present mentally: perhaps in a coma, for example. It also includes people are for other reasons not entirely present in the way they used to be, which includes dementia. And that latter case is what this book focuses on.

In the case of dementia, we cannot, of course, simply focus on ourselves. Well, not if we care about the person with dementia, anyway. Much like with the other kinds of ambiguous loss, we cannot fully come to terms with things while on the cusp of presence and absence, and we cannot, as such, “give up” on our loved one.

What then, of hope? The author makes the case for—in absence of any kind of closure—making our peace with the situation as it is, making our peace with the uncertainty of things. And that means not only “at any moment could come a more clearly complete loss”, but also on the flipside at least a faint candle of hope, that we should not grasp with both hands (that is not how to treat a candle, literally or metaphorically), but rather, hold gently, and enjoy its gentle light.

Dr. Boss also covers more practical considerations; family rituals, celebrations, gatherings, and the idea of “the good-enough relationship”. Particularly helpfully, she gives her “seven guidelines for the journey”, which even if one decides against adopting them all, are definitely all good things to at least have considered.

The style is much more tailored to the lay reader than the other book of hers that we reviewed, which was intended more for clinicians, but useful also for those of us who have been hit by such kinds of grief. In this case, however, her intention is first and foremost for the family of a person who has dementia—there are still footnotes throughout though, for those who still want to read scientific papers that support the various ideas discussed in the book.

Bottom line: if a loved one has dementia or that seems a likely possibility for you, this book can help a lot!

Click here to check out Loving Someone Who Has Dementia, and indeed find hope while coping with stress and grief.