Body Language (In The Real World)

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Forget What You Think You Know About Body Language

…unless it’s about a specific person whose habits and mannerisms you know intimately, in which case, you probably have enough personal data stored up to actually recognize patterns à la “when my spouse does this, then…”, and probably do know what’s going on.

For everyone else… our body language can be as unique as our idiolect

What’s an idiolect? It’s any one given person’s way of speaking/writing, in their natural state (i.e. without having to adjust their style for some reason, for example in a public-facing role at work, where style often becomes much narrower and more consciously-chosen).

Extreme example first

To give an extreme example of how non-verbal communication can be very different than a person thinks, there’s an anecdote floating around the web of someone whose non-verbal autistic kid would, when he liked someone who was visiting the house, hide their shoes when they were about to leave, to cause them to stay longer. Then one day some relative visited and when she suggested that she “should be going sometime soon”, he hurried to bring her her shoes. She left, happy that the kid liked her (he did not).

The above misunderstanding happened because the visitor had the previous life experience of “a person who brings me things is being helpful, and if they do it of their own free will, it’s because they like me”.

In other words…

Generalizations are often sound… In general

…which does not help us when dealing with individuals, which as it turns out, everyone is.

Clenched fists = tense and angry… Except when it’s just what’s comfortable for someone, or they have circulation issues, or this, or that, or the other.

Pacing = agitated… Except when it’s just someone who finds the body in motion more comfortable

Relaxed arms and hands = at ease and unthreatening… Unless it’s a practitioner of various martial arts for whom that is their default ready-for-action state.

Folded arms = closed-off, cold, distant… Or it was just somewhere to put one’s hands.

Lack of eye contact = deceitful, hiding something… Unless it’s actually for any one of a wide number of reasons, which brings us to our next section:

A liar’s “tells”

Again, if you know someone intimately and know what signs are associated with deceit in them, then great, that’s a thing you know. But for people in general…

A lot of what is repeated about “how to know if someone is lying” has seeped into public consciousness from “what police use to justify their belief that someone is lying”.

This is why many of the traditional “this person is lying” signs are based around behaviors that show up when in fact “this person is afraid, under pressure, and talking to an authority figure who has the power to ruin their life”:

Research on Non-verbal Signs of Lies and Deceit: A Blind Alley

But what about eye-accessing cues? They have science to them, right?

For any unfamiliar: this is about the theory that when we are accessing different parts of our mind (such as memory or creativity, thus truthfulness or lying), our eyes move one way or another according to what faculty we’re accessing.

Does it work? No

But, if you carefully calibrate it for a specific person, such as by asking them questions along the lines of “describe your front door” or “describe your ideal holiday”, to see which ways they look for recall or creativity… Then also no:

The Eyes Don’t Have It: Lie Detection and Neuro-Linguistic Programming

How can we know what non-verbal communication means, then?

With strangers? We can’t, simply. It’s on us to be open-minded, with a healthy balance of optimism and wariness.

With people we know? We can build up a picture over time, learn the person’s patterns. Best of all, we can ask them. In the moment, and in general.

For more on optimizing interpersonal communication, check out:

Save Time With Better Communication

…and the flipside of that:

The Problem With Active Listening (And How To Do It Better)

Take care!

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  • Sleep divorce: could sleeping separately from your partner lead to a better night’s rest?

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    Hundreds of years ago, it was common for married couples among the European upper classes to have separate bedrooms. Sleeping separately was a symbol of luxury and status historically reserved for royalty and the very wealthy.

    Nowadays, it’s common for married couples and other couples in relationships to sleep in the same bed. But sometimes – for reasons from conflicting schedules to snoring to sleep talking – couples might choose to sleep separately in pursuit of a better night’s sleep.

    This is known as “sleep divorce”. Though I prefer the term “sleep separation”, as this doesn’t have to be a permanent arrangement – but more on that later.

    So why might couples choose to sleep separately? And what does the evidence say about the effects on sleep quality if you sleep alone versus with a partner?

    Cemile Bingol/Getty Images

    Why do couples opt for a sleep separation?

    Couples may choose to sleep apart if one partner’s sleep is disturbing the other’s, or both are disrupting one another. This can happen for a variety of reasons.

    These include waking up frequently in the night, mismatched body clocks (for example, one person coming to bed later than the other), conflicting schedules (for example, shift workers), snoring, twitching legs or sleep talking.

    Parents with babies and young children may choose to sleep separately to avoid both partners’ sleep being disturbed.

    Those with conflicting preferences for sleeping environments, such as one partner liking a cool room with a fan and the other preferring warmth, may also decide to sleep apart.

    What are the benefits of sleeping alone?

    Many couples say they prefer to sleep – and sleep better – next to their partner.

    But when scientists measure sleep objectively, such as via an electroencephalogram (EEG) to assess brain waves, the data actually shows poorer sleep quality when co-sleeping. So sleeping alone may, in fact, mean better quality and longer sleep.

    Research also shows when one member of the couple has a sleep disorder, such as insomnia or sleep apnoea (where breathing is frequently interrupted during sleep), these people often inadvertently wake up their partner when they wake in the night. So sleeping alone could be a good idea if your bed partner has a sleep disorder.

    What’s more, studies have found sleep disturbances are linked to reduced relationship satisfaction. So sleeping apart could actually mean happier couples.

    Finally, anyone who has struggled with their sleep will know anxiety around sleep is common. Many clients I have seen who experience insomnia report sleeping alone can alleviate some of their anxiety because at least they know they won’t disturb, or be disturbed by, their partner.

    A birds-eye-view of a couple turned away from each other in bed.
    Disturbed sleep has been linked to lower relationship satisfaction. Gorodenkoff/Shutterstock

    Are there any downsides to separate sleeping arrangements?

    Some people dislike sleeping alone, reporting comfort, and feelings of safety and protection when sleeping alongside their partner – and loneliness when they don’t.

    Sleeping separately also requires two rooms, or at least two beds. Many couples may not have these options available to them in their home.

    Sleeping separately is often stigmatised, with some people seeing it as the death of a couple’s sex life. But while sleeping in separate beds may provide fewer opportunities for sex, this doesn’t necessarily mean the end of intimacy.

    Sleeping apart could mean some couples actually have more sex. We know better sleep is linked to more positive feelings about relationships, so it’s possible the desire to be intimate could increase after a good night’s sleep in separate beds. Sleeping apart may even mean some couples have more energy to be intimate.

    Nonetheless, if you choose to sleep separately from your partner, it’s important to have an open discussion and prioritise opportunities for connection and intimacy. One client I worked with referred to “visiting rights” where her partner came into her bed for a short period before sleep or in the morning.

    Who should potentially consider a sleep separation?

    You may wish to think about a “sleep separation” if you are disturbing each other’s sleep, have young children, or have different preferences in terms of temperature, light and noise, which are causing issues.

    Ultimately, if sleeping in the same bed is leading to poor sleep then sleeping apart, if it’s possible, could help.

    If you can’t sleep separately there may be other ways to reduce disturbance from a partner such as using an eye mask, white noise or earplugs.

    If you decide to try a sleep separation, remember this can be a flexible arrangement or “re-set” and doesn’t have to be permanent, or every night. Some couples find sleeping separately during the working week but sharing a bed on the weekend works well for them.

    Lastly, it’s important to talk to your GP about any persistent sleep problems, such as snoring, insomnia, or unusual behaviour during sleep (for example, shouting or walking around), as there may be an underlying sleep disorder which needs treating.

    Alix Mellor, Research Fellow, Psychology, Monash University

    This article is republished from The Conversation under a Creative Commons license. Read the original article.

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  • Artichoke vs Broccoli – Which is Healthier?

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    Our Verdict

    When comparing artichoke to broccoli, we picked the artichoke.

    Why?

    Both have their strengths, and it was close! But…

    In terms of macros, artichoke has about 2x the fiber (which is lots, because broccoli is already good for this) and more protein, for only slightly more carbs, making it the nutrient dense choice in all respects, and especially in the case of fiber.

    In the category of vitamins, artichoke has more of vitamins B3, B9, and choline, while broccoli has more of vitamins A, B2, B5, B6, C, E, and K, thus winning this round.

    When it comes to minerals, artichoke has more copper, iron, magnesium, manganese, phosphorus, potassium, and zinc, while broccoli has more calcium and selenium, handing artichoke the win again here.

    Looking at polyphenols, both have an abundance; artichoke has more by total mass (in terms of mg/100g) and is especially rich in luteolin and phenolic acids, but broccoli has some that artichoke doesn’t have (such as quercetin and kaempferol). We could reasonably call this a tie or a win for artichoke on strength of numbers; either way, it doesn’t change the end result:

    Adding up the sections makes for an overall win for artichoke, but of course, by all means enjoy either or both; diversity is good!

    Want to learn more?

    You might like:

    What’s Your Plant Diversity Score?

    Enjoy!

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  • 6 Ways To Look After Your Back

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    Back To Back

    When people think about looking after their back, often thought does not go much further than sitting with good posture, and perhaps even standing with good posture. And those things are important, but:

    1) People’s efforts to have good posture often result in overcorrecting creating an anterior pelvic tilt that causes lower back problems.

    Quick tip: if you’re sticking your butt out, you’re doing it wrong (no matter how great your butt is). Instead, to find the correct posture, go up on your tip-toes for a moment, then imagine a plumb-line down the center of your body, thus perpendicular to the floor, going all the way down to the ground. Now, slowly return your heels to the ground, but as you do so, keep your spine aligned to the plumb-line, so you’re not moving backwards as you drop, just directly down. This will land you in perfect posture.

    Unless you have scoliosis. In which case, it’ll get you as close to good posture as is likely attainable from any quick tip.

    2) There’s a lot more to looking after our back than just good posture!

    Here are 5 other important things to do:

    Be strong

    Do strength-training for your back. How to do that is beyond the scope of today’s feature, but there are many good guides and also personal trainers that can be found.

    Start off easy and work up, but do start. The stronger your back is, the less likely a momentary lapse in concentration is to throw out your back because you picked something up with imperfect form.

    See also: Resistance Is Useful! (Especially As We Get Older)

    Stretch intentionally

    Many back injuries occur as a result of stretching and/or twisting awkwardly, so if you ensure your basic mobility and range of motion is good, the less likely it is that unthinkingly twisting around 270° to see where that wasp was going will slip a disk.

    The more you stretch intentionally (carefully, please), the more you will be able to stretch unintentionally without injury.

    See also: Building & Maintaining Mobility

    Stand when you can, walk when you can

    We humans have outrun our evolution in a lot of ways, and/but one thing our bodies are definitely not well-adapted for is sitting. Unless we are sitting in a low squat the way you might often see an orang-utan sitting, sitting is not a good way of being for us. Even sitting seiza-style or cross-legged is passable for a short while, not for too long.

    So, while there sure are times we need to sit (especially if you’re driving!) minimizing those times is ideal. There are a lot of activities that are traditionally done sitting, where there’s no need for it to be so. For example, your writer here sits for the day’s main meal, but takes any smaller meal standing (and when guests visit for a coffee or such, I’ll offer them the couch while I myself prop up the fireplace). Standing desks are also great if you spend a lot of time at the computer for any reason.

    See also: The Doctor Who Wants Us To Exercise Less & Move More

    Rest when you need to

    You can’t stand all the time! But know this: if you want to rest your legs, lying down is a lot better for your back (and internal organs) than sitting.

    Taking a 5 minute break lying on your couch, or bed, or floor, is a perfectly good option and only social convention says otherwise.

    If you want a compromise option, though? A recliner chair, in the reclined position, is a better for your back than being scrunched up in the Economy Class Flight position.

    PS: About that bed situation…

    What Mattress Is Best, By Science?

    Kill pain before it kills you

    Painkillers aren’t great for the health per se, but pain (or rather, our bodily responses to such) can be worse. Half the time, when it comes to musculoskeletal problems, things get a lot worse a lot more quickly because of how we overcompensate due to the pain. So, take your pain seriously, and remember, the right amount of pain is zero.

    If you’re thinking “but pain relief option xyz isn’t good for me”, we strongly recommend checking out:

    The 7 Approaches To Pain Management

    Take care!

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  • What Menopause Does To The Heart

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    World Menopause Day: Menopause & Cardiovascular Disease Risk

    Today, the 18th of October, is World Menopause Day.

    The theme for this year is cardiovascular disease (CVD), and if your first reaction is to wonder what that has to do with the menopause, then this is the reason why it’s being featured. Much of the menopause and its effects are shrouded in mystery; not because of a lack of science (though sometimes a bit of that too), but rather, because it is popularly considered an unimportant, semi-taboo topic.

    So, let’s be the change we want to see, and try to fix that!

    What does CVD have to do with the menopause?

    To quote Dr. Anjana Nair:

    ❝The metabolic and clinical factors secondary to menopause, such as dyslipidemia, insulin resistance, fat redistribution and systemic hypertension, contribute to the accelerated risk for cardiovascular aging and disease.

    Atherosclerosis appears to be the end result of the interaction between cardiovascular risk factors and their accentuation during the perimenopausal period.

    The increased cardiovascular risk in menopause stems from the exaggerated effects of changing physiology on the cardiovascular system.❞

    Source: Cardiovascular Changes in Menopause

    See also: Menopause-associated risk of cardiovascular disease

    Can we do anything about it?

    Yes, we can! Here be science:

    This (in few words: get your hormone levels checked, and consider HRT if appropriate) is consistent with the advice from gynecologist Dr. Jen Gunter, whom we featured back in August:

    What You Should Have Been Told About The Menopause Beforehand

    What about lifestyle changes?

    We definitely can do some good things; here’s what the science has to say:

    For a full low-down on all of these:

    Revealing the evidence-based lifestyle solutions to managing your menopause symptoms

    Want to know more?

    You can get the International Menopause Society’s free downloadable booklet here:

    Menopause & Cardiovascular Disease: What Women Need To Know

    You may also like our previous main feature:

    What Does “Balance Your Hormones” Even Mean?

    Take care!

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  • Running or yoga can help beat depression, research shows – even if exercise is the last thing you feel like

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    At least one in ten people have depression at some point in their lives, with some estimates closer to one in four. It’s one of the worst things for someone’s wellbeing – worse than debt, divorce or diabetes.

    One in seven Australians take antidepressants. Psychologists are in high demand. Still, only half of people with depression in high-income countries get treatment.

    Our new research shows that exercise should be considered alongside therapy and antidepressants. It can be just as impactful in treating depression as therapy, but it matters what type of exercise you do and how you do it.

    Walk, run, lift, or dance away depression

    We found 218 randomised trials on exercise for depression, with 14,170 participants. We analysed them using a method called a network meta-analysis. This allowed us to see how different types of exercise compared, instead of lumping all types together.

    We found walking, running, strength training, yoga and mixed aerobic exercise were about as effective as cognitive behaviour therapy – one of the gold-standard treatments for depression. The effects of dancing were also powerful. However, this came from analysing just five studies, mostly involving young women. Other exercise types had more evidence to back them.

    Walking, running, strength training, yoga and mixed aerobic exercise seemed more effective than antidepressant medication alone, and were about as effective as exercise alongside antidepressants.

    But of these exercises, people were most likely to stick with strength training and yoga.

    Antidepressants certainly help some people. And of course, anyone getting treatment for depression should talk to their doctor before changing what they are doing.

    Still, our evidence shows that if you have depression, you should get a psychologist and an exercise plan, whether or not you’re taking antidepressants.

    Join a program and go hard (with support)

    Before we analysed the data, we thought people with depression might need to “ease into it” with generic advice, such as “some physical activity is better than doing none.”

    But we found it was far better to have a clear program that aimed to push you, at least a little. Programs with clear structure worked better, compared with those that gave people lots of freedom. Exercising by yourself might also make it hard to set the bar at the right level, given low self-esteem is a symptom of depression.

    We also found it didn’t matter how much people exercised, in terms of sessions or minutes a week. It also didn’t really matter how long the exercise program lasted. What mattered was the intensity of the exercise: the higher the intensity, the better the results.

    Yes, it’s hard to keep motivated

    We should exercise caution in interpreting the findings. Unlike drug trials, participants in exercise trials know which “treatment” they’ve been randomised to receive, so this may skew the results.

    Many people with depression have physical, psychological or social barriers to participating in formal exercise programs. And getting support to exercise isn’t free.

    We also still don’t know the best way to stay motivated to exercise, which can be even harder if you have depression.

    Our study tried to find out whether things like setting exercise goals helped, but we couldn’t get a clear result.

    Other reviews found it’s important to have a clear action plan (for example, putting exercise in your calendar) and to track your progress (for example, using an app or smartwatch). But predicting which of these interventions work is notoriously difficult.

    A 2021 mega-study of more than 60,000 gym-goers found experts struggled to predict which strategies might get people into the gym more often. Even making workouts fun didn’t seem to motivate people. However, listening to audiobooks while exercising helped a lot, which no experts predicted.

    Still, we can be confident that people benefit from personalised support and accountability. The support helps overcome the hurdles they’re sure to hit. The accountability keeps people going even when their brains are telling them to avoid it.

    So, when starting out, it seems wise to avoid going it alone. Instead:

    • join a fitness group or yoga studio
    • get a trainer or an exercise physiologist

    • ask a friend or family member to go for a walk with you.

    Taking a few steps towards getting that support makes it more likely you’ll keep exercising.

    Let’s make this official

    Some countries see exercise as a backup plan for treating depression. For example, the American Psychological Association only conditionally recommends exercise as a “complementary and alternative treatment” when “psychotherapy or pharmacotherapy is either ineffective or unacceptable”.

    Based on our research, this recommendation is withholding a potent treatment from many people who need it.

    In contrast, The Royal Australian and New Zealand College of Psychiatrists recommends vigorous aerobic activity at least two to three times a week for all people with depression.

    Given how common depression is, and the number failing to receive care, other countries should follow suit and recommend exercise alongside front-line treatments for depression.

    I would like to acknowledge my colleagues Taren Sanders, Chris Lonsdale and the rest of the coauthors of the paper on which this article is based.

    If this article has raised issues for you, or if you’re concerned about someone you know, call Lifeline on 13 11 14.The Conversation

    Michael Noetel, Senior Lecturer in Psychology, The University of Queensland

    This article is republished from The Conversation under a Creative Commons license. Read the original article.

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  • What’s Your Ikigai?

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    Ikigai: A Closer Look

    We’ve mentioned ikigai from time to time, usually when discussing the characteristics associated with Blue Zone centenarians, for example as number 5 of…

    The Five Pillars Of Longevity

    It’s about finding one’s “purpose”. Not merely a function, but what actually drives you in life. And, if Japanese studies can be extrapolated to the rest of the world, it has a significant and large impact on mortality (other factors being controlled for); not having a sense of ikigai is associated with an approximately 47%* increase in 7-year mortality risk in the categories of cardiovascular disease and external cause mortality:

    Sense of life worth living (ikigai) and mortality in Japan: Ohsaki Study

    *we did a lot of averaging and fuzzy math to get this figure; the link will show you the full stats though!

    In case that huge (n=43,391) study didn’t convince you, here’s another comparably-sized (n=43,117) one that found similarly, albeit framing the numbers the other way around, i.e. a comparable decrease in mortality risk for having a sense of ikigai:

    Associations of ikigai as a positive psychological factor with all-cause mortality and cause-specific mortality among middle-aged and elderly Japanese people

    This study was even longer (12 years rather than 7), so the fact that it found pretty much the same results the 7-year study we cited just before is quite compelling evidence. Again, multivariate hazard ratios were adjusted for age, BMI, drinking and smoking status, physical activity, sleep duration, education, occupation, marital status, perceived mental stress, and medical history—so all these things were effectively controlled for statistically.

    Three kinds of ikigai

    There are three principal kinds of ikigai:

    • Social ikigai: for example, a caring role in the family or community, volunteer work, teaching
    • Asocial ikigai: for example, a solitary practice of self-discipline, spirituality, or study without any particular intent to teach others
    • Antisocial ikigai: for example, a strong desire to outlive an enemy, or to harm a person or group that one hates

    You may be thinking: wait, aren’t those last things bad?

    And… Maybe! But ikigai is not a matter of morality or even about “warm fuzzy feelings”. The fact is, having a sense of purpose increases longevity regardless of moral implications or niceness.

    Nevertheless, for obvious reasons there is a lot more focus on the first two categories (social and asocial), and of those, especially the first category (social), because on a social level, “we all do well when we all do well”.

    We exemplified them above, but they can be defined:

    • Social: working for the betterment of society
    • Asocial: working for the betterment of oneself

    Of course, for many people, the same ikigai may cover both of those—often somebody who excels at something for its own sake and/but shares it with others to enrich their lives also, for example a teacher, an artist, a scientist, etc.

    For it to cover both, however, requires that both parts of it are genuinely part of their feeling of ikigai, and not merely unintended consequences.

    For example, a piano teacher who loves music in general and the piano in particular, and would gladly spend every waking moment studying/practising/performing, but hates having to teach it, but needs to pay the bills so teaches it anyway, cannot be said to be living any kind of social ikigai there, just asocial. And in fact, if teaching the piano is causing them to not have the time or energy to pursue it for its own sake, they might not even be living any ikigai at all.

    One other thing to watch out for

    There is one last stumbling block, which is that while we can find ikigai, we can also lose it! Examples of this may include:

    • A professional whose job is their ikigai, until they face mandatory retirement or are otherwise unable to continue their work (perhaps due to disability, for example)
    • A parent whose full-time-parent role is their ikigai, until their children leave for school, university, life in general
    • A married person whose “devoted spouse” role is their ikigai, until their partner dies

    For this reason, people of any age can have a “crisis of identity” that’s actually more of a “crisis of purpose”.

    There are two ways of handling this:

    1. Have a back-up ikigai ready! For example, if your profession is your ikigai, maybe you have a hobby waiting in the wings, that you can smoothly jump ship to upon retirement.
    2. Embrace the fluidity of life! Sometimes, things don’t happen the way we expect. Sometimes life’s surprises can trip us up; sometimes they can leave us a sobbing wreck. But so long as life continues, there is an opportunity to pick ourselves up and decide where to go from that point. Note that this is not fatalism, by the way, it doesn’t have to be “this bad thing happened so that we could find this good thing, so really it was a good thing all along”. Rather, it can equally readily be “well, we absolutely did not want that bad thing to happen, but since it did, now we shall take it this way from here”.

    For more on developing/maintaining psychological resilience in the face of life’s less welcome adversities, see:

    Psychological Resilience Training

    …and:

    Putting The Abs Into Absurdity ← do not underestimate the power of this one

    Take care!

    Don’t Forget…

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