Perfectionism, And How To Make Yours Work For You

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Harness The Power Of Your Perfectionism

A lot of people see perfectionism as a problem—and it can be that!

We can use perfectionism as a would-be shield against our fear of failure, by putting things off until we’re better prepared (repeat forever, or at least until the deadliniest deadline that ever deadlined), or do things but really struggle to draw a line under them and check them off as “done” because we keep tweaking and improving and improving… With diminishing returns (forever). So, that’s not helpful.

But, if we’re mindful, we can also leverage our perfectionism to our benefit.

Great! How?

First we need to be able to discern the ways in which perfectionism can be bad or good for us. Or as it’s called in psychology, ways in which our perfectionism can be maladaptive or adaptive.

  • Maladaptive: describing a behavioral adaptation to our environment—specifically, a reactive behavioral adaptation that is unhealthy and really is not a solution to the problem at hand
  • Adaptive: describing a behavioral adaptation to our environment—specifically, a responsive behavioral adaptation that is healthy and helps us to thrive

So in the case of perfectionism, one example for each might be:

  • Maladaptive: never taking up that new hobby, because you’re just going to suck at it anyway, and what’s the point if you’re not going to excel? You’re a perfectionist, and you don’t settle for anything less than excellence.
  • Adaptive: researching the new hobby, learning the basics, and recognizing that even if the results are not immediately perfect, the learning process can be… Yes, even with mistakes along the way, for they too are part of learning! You’re a perfectionist, and you’re going to be the best possible student of your new hobby.

Did you catch the key there?

When it comes to approaching things we do in life—either because we want to or because we must—there are two kinds of mindset: goal-oriented, and task-oriented.

Broadly speaking, each has their merits, and as a general topic, it’s beyond the scope of today’s main feature. Here we’re looking at it in the context of perfectionism, and in that frame, there’s a clear qualitative difference:

  • The goal-oriented perfectionist will be frustrated to the point of torment, at not immediately attaining the goal. Everything short of that will be a means to an end, at best. Not fun.
  • The task-oriented perfectionist will take joy in going about the task in the best way possible, and optimizing their process as they go. The journey itself will be rewarding and a tangible product of their consistent perfectionism.

The good news is: you get to choose! You’re not stuck in a box.

If you’re thinking “I’m a perfectionist and I’m generally a goal-oriented person”, that’s fine. You’re just going to need to reframe your goals.

  • Instead of: my goal is to be fluent in Arabic
    • …so you never speak it, because to err is human, all too human, and you’re a perfectionist, so you don’t want that!
  • Let’s try: my goal is to study Arabic for at least 15 minutes per day, every day, without fail, covering at least some new material each time, no matter how small the increase
    • …and then you go and throw yourself into conversation way out of your depth, make mistakes, and get corrections, because that’s how you learn, and you’re a perfectionist, so you want that!

This goes for any field of expertise, of course.

  • If you want to play the violin solo in Carnegie Hall, you have to pick up your violin and practice each day.
  • If you want to be a world-renowned pastry chef, you have to make a consistent habit of baking.
  • If you want to write a bestselling book, you have to show up at your keyboard.

Be perfect all you want, but be the perfect student.

And as your skills grow, maybe you’ll upgrade that to also being the perfect practitioner, and perhaps later still, the perfect teacher.

But just remember:

Perfection comes not from the end goal (that would be backwards thinking!) but from the process (which includes mistakes; they’re an important part of learning; embrace them and grow!), so perfect that first.

Don’t Forget…

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Learn to Age Gracefully

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  • Never Too Old?

    10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.

    Age Limits On Exercise?

    In Tuesday’s newsletter, we asked you your opinion on whether we should exercise less as we get older, and got the above-depicted, below-described, set of responses:

    • About 42% said “No, we must keep pushing ourselves, to keep our youth“
    • About 29% said “Only to the extent necessary due to chronic conditions etc”
    • About 29% said “Yes, we should keep gently moving but otherwise take it easier”

    One subscriber who voted for “No, we must keep pushing ourselves, to keep our youth“ wrote to add:

    ❝I’m 71 and I push myself. I’m not as fast or strong as I used to be but, I feel great when I push myself instead of going through the motions. I listen to my body!❞

    ~ 10almonds subscriber

    One subscriber who voted for “Only to the extent necessary due to chronic conditions etc” wrote to add:

    ❝It’s never too late to get stronger. Important to keep your strength and balance. I am a Silver Sneakers instructor and I see first hand how helpful regular exercise is for seniors.❞

    ~ 10almonds subscriber

    One subscriber who voted to say “Yes, we should keep gently moving but otherwise take it easier” wrote to add:

    ❝Keep moving but be considerate and respectful of your aging body. It’s a time to find balance in life and not put yourself into a positon to damage youself by competing with decades younger folks (unless you want to) – it will take much longer to bounce back.❞

    ~ 10almonds subscriber

    These will be important, because we’ll come back to them at the end.

    So what does the science say?

    Endurance exercise is for young people only: True or False?

    False! With proper training, age is no barrier to serious endurance exercise.

    Here’s a study that looked at marathon-runners of various ages, and found that…

    • the majority of middle-aged and elderly athletes have training histories of less than seven years of running
    • there are virtually no relevant running time differences (p<0.01) per age in marathon finishers from 20 to 55 years
    • after 55 years, running times did increase on average, but not consistently (i.e. there were still older runners with comparable times to the younger age bracket)

    See: Performance, training and lifestyle parameters of marathon runners aged 20–80 years: results of the PACE-study

    The researchers took this as evidence of aging being indeed a biological process that can be sped up or slowed down by various lifestyle factors.

    See also:

    Age & Aging: What Can (And Can’t) We Do About It?

    this covers the many aspects of biological aging (it’s not one number, but many!) and how our various different biological ages are often not in sync with each other, and how we can optimize each of them that can be optimized

    Resistance training is for young people only: True or False?

    False! In fact, it’s not only possible for older people, but is also associated with a reduction in all-cause mortality.

    Specifically, those who reported strength-training at least once per week enjoyed longer lives than those who did not.

    You may be thinking “is this just the horse-riding thing again, where correlation is not causation and it’s just that healthier people (for other reasons) were able to do strength-training more, rather than the other way around?“

    …which is a good think to think of, so well-spotted if you were thinking that!

    But in this case no; the benefits remained when other things were controlled for:

    ❝Adjusted for demographic variables, health behaviors and health conditions, a statistically significant effect on mortality remained.

    Although the effects on cardiac and cancer mortality were no longer statistically significant, the data still pointed to a benefit.

    Importantly, after the physical activity level was controlled for, people who reported strength exercises appeared to see a greater mortality benefit than those who reported physical activity alone.❞

    ~ Dr. Jennifer Kraschnewski

    See the study: Is strength training associated with mortality benefits? A 15 year cohort study of US older adults

    And a pop-sci article about it: Strength training helps older adults live longer

    Closing thoughts

    As it happens… All three of the subscribers we quoted all had excellent points!

    Because in this case it’s less a matter of “should”, and more a selection of options:

    • We (most of us, at least) can gain/regain/maintain the kind of strength and fitness associated with much younger people, and we need not be afraid of exercising accordingly (assuming having worked up to such, not just going straight from couch to marathon, say).
    • We must nevertheless be mindful of chronic conditions or even passing illnesses/injuries, but that goes for people of any age
    • We also can’t argue against a “safety first” cautious approach to exercise. After all, sure, maybe we can run marathons at any age, but that doesn’t mean we have to. And sure, maybe we can train to lift heavy weights, but if we’re content to be able to carry the groceries or perhaps take our partner’s weight in the dance hall (or the bedroom!), then (if we’re also at least maintaining our bones and muscles at a healthy level) that’s good enough already.

    Which prompts the question, what do you want to be able to do, now and years from now? What’s important to you?

    For inspiration, check out: Train For The Event Of Your Life!

    Take care!

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  • The Stress-Proof Brain – by Dr. Melanie Greenberg

    10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.

    The premise of the book is as stated in the subtitle: using mindfulness and neuroplasticity to manage our stress response.

    As such, it’s divided into three parts:

    1. Understanding your stress (and different types of stressors)
    2. Calming your amygdalae (thus, dealing with your stress response while the stressor is stressing you)
    3. Moving forward with your prefrontal cortex (and thus, gradually improving automatic stress responses over time, as we learn new, better responses to do automatically)

    The content ranges from the neurophysiological to “therapist’s couch” stuff; Dr. Greenberg having her PhD in psychology has prepared her to write both of those different-but-touching fields with equal competence. In-line citations are given throughout, for those who want to look up studies.

    The style is direct and informative, with little to no attention given to making it an entertaining read. As a result, it’s information dense (which is good), and/but not necessarily a “couldn’t put it down” page-turner.

    Bottom line: if you’d like to improve your ability to deal with stress, this book is as good as any.

    Click here to check out The Stress-Proof Brain, and stress-proof yours!

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  • Imposter Syndrome (and why almost everyone has it)

    10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.

    Imposter Syndrome (and why almost everyone has it)

    Imposter syndrome is the pervasive idea that we’re not actually good enough, people think we are better than we are, and at any moment we’re going to get found out and disappoint everyone.

    Beyond the workplace

    Imposter syndrome is most associated with professionals. It can range from a medical professional who feels like they’ve been projecting an image of confidence too much, to a writer or musician who is sure that their next piece will never live up to the acclaim of previous pieces and everyone will suddenly realize they don’t know what they’re doing, to a middle-manager who feels like nobody above or below them realizes how little they know how to do.

    But! Less talked-about (but no less prevalent) is imposter syndrome in other areas of life. New parents tend to feel this strongly, as can the “elders” of a family that everyone looks to for advice and strength and support. Perhaps worst is when the person most responsible for the finances of a household feels like everyone just trusts them to keep everything running smoothly, and maybe they shouldn’t because it could all come crashing down at any moment and everyone will see them for the hopeless shambles of a human being that they really are.

    Feelings are not facts

    And yet (while everyone makes mistakes sometimes) the reality is that we’re all doing our best. Given that imposter syndrome affects up to 82% of people, let’s remember to have some perspective. Everyone feels like they’re winging it sometimes. Everyone feels the pressure.

    Well, perhaps not everyone. There’s that other 18%. Some people are sure they’re the best thing ever. Then again, there’s probably some in that 18% that actually feel worse than the 82%—they just couldn’t admit it, even in an anonymized study.

    But one thing’s for sure: it’s very, very common. Especially in high-performing women, by the way, and people of color. In other words, people who typically “have to do twice as much to get recognized as half as good”.

    That said, the flipside of this is that people who are not in any of those categories may feel “everything is in my favor, so I really have no excuse to not achieve the most”, and can sometimes take very extreme actions to try to avoid perceived failure, and it can be their family that pays the price.

    Things to remember

    If you find imposter syndrome nagging at you, remember these things:

    • There are people far less competent than you, doing the same thing
    • Nobody knows how to do everything themselves, especially at first
    • If you don’t know how to do something, you can usually find out
    • There is always someone to ask for help, or at least advice, or at least support

    At the end of the day, we evolved to eat fruit and enjoy the sun. None of us are fully equipped for all the challenges of the modern world, but if we do our reasonable best, and look after each other (and that means that you too, dear reader, deserve looking after as well), we can all do ok.

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Related Posts

  • Lucid Dreaming: How To Do It, & Why
  • How gender-affirming care improves trans mental health

    10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.

    In recent years, a growing number of states have passed laws restricting or banning gender-affirming care for transgender people, particularly minors. As conversations about gender-affirming care increase, so do false narratives about it, with some opponents falsely suggesting that it’s harmful to mental health.

    Despite widespread attacks against gender-affirming care, research clearly shows that it improves mental health outcomes for transgender people.

    Read on to learn more about what gender-affirming care is, how it benefits mental well-being, and how you can access it.

    What is gender-affirming care?

    Gender-affirming care describes a range of medical interventions that help align people’s bodies with their gender identities. While anyone can seek gender-affirming care in the form of laser hair removal, breast augmentation, erectile dysfunction medication, or hormone therapy, among other treatments, most conversations about gender-affirming care center around transgender people, whose gender identity or gender expression does not conform to their sex assigned at birth.

    Gender-affirming care for trans people varies based on age. For example, some trans adults seek hormone replacement therapy (HRT) or gender-affirming surgeries that help their bodies match their internal sense of gender.

    Trans kids entering adolescence might be prescribed puberty blockers, which temporarily delay the production of hormones that initiate puberty, to give them more time to figure out their gender identities before deciding on next steps. This is the same medication given to cisgender kids—whose gender identities match the sex they were assigned at birth—experiencing early puberty.

    What is gender dysphoria?

    Gender dysphoria describes a feeling of unease that some trans people experience when their perceived gender doesn’t match their gender identity. This can lead to a range of mental health conditions that affect their quality of life

    Some trans people may manage gender dysphoria by wearing gender-affirming clothing, opting for a gender-affirming hairstyle, or asking others to refer to them by a name and pronouns that authentically represent them. Others may need gender-affirming care to feel at home in their bodies.

    Trans people who desire gender-affirming care and have not been able to access it experience psychological distress, including depression, anxiety, self-harm, and suicidal ideation. The Trevor Project’s 2023 U.S. National Survey on the Mental Health of LGBTQ Young People found that roughly half of trans youth “seriously considered attempting suicide in the past year.”

    A grid shows 10 drawings of people in black and white. Seven of the people are highlighted in purple squares. Text on the image reads,

    How does gender-affirming care improve mental health?

    For trans adults, gender-affirming care can alleviate gender dysphoria, which has been shown to improve both short-term and long-term mental health. A 2018 study found that trans adults who do not undergo HRT are four times more likely to experience depression than those who do, although not all trans people desire HRT.

    Extensive research has shown that gender-affirming care also alleviates gender dysphoria and improves mental health outcomes in trans kids, teens, and young adults. A 2022 study found that access to HRT and puberty blockers lowered the odds of depression in trans people between the ages of 13 and 20 by 60 percent and reduced the risk of self-harm and suicidal thoughts by 73 percent.

    Both the Endocrine Society—which aims to advance hormone research—and the American Academy of Pediatrics recommend that trans kids and teens have access to developmentally appropriate gender-affirming care.

    How can I access gender-affirming care?

    If you’re a trans adult seeking gender-affirming care or a guardian of a trans kid or teen who’s seeking gender-affirming care, talk to your health care provider about your options. You can find a trans-affirming provider by searching the World Professional Association for Transgender Health directory or visiting your local LGBTQ+ health center or Planned Parenthood.

    Some gender-affirming care may not be covered by insurance. Learn how to make the most of your coverage from the National Center for Transgender Equality. Find insurance plans available through the Marketplace that cover gender-affirming care in some states through Out2Enroll.

    Some states restrict or ban gender-affirming care. Learn about the laws in your state by visiting the Trans Legislation Tracker.

    Where can trans people and their families find mental health support?

    In addition to working with a trans-affirming therapist, trans people and their families can find mental health support through these free services:

    • PFLAG offers resources for families and friends of LGBTQ+ people. Find a PFLAG chapter near you.
    • The Trevor Project’s hotline has trained counselors who help LGBTQ+ youth in crisis. Call the TrevorLifeline 1-866-488-7386 or text START to 678-678.
    • The Trans Lifeline was created by and for the trans community to support trans people in crisis. You can reach the Trans Lifeline hotline at 1-877-565-8860.

    For more information, talk to your health care provider.

    If you or anyone you know is considering suicide or self-harm or is anxious, depressed, upset, or needs to talk, call the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988 or text the Crisis Text Line at 741-741. For international resources, here is a good place to begin.

    This article first appeared on Public Good News and is republished here under a Creative Commons license.

    Don’t Forget…

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    Learn to Age Gracefully

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  • Walking… Better.

    10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.

    Walking… Better.

    We recently reviewed “52 Ways To Walk” by Annabel Streets. You asked us to share some more of our learnings from that book, and… Obviously we can’t do all 52, nor go into such detail, but here are three top tips inspired by that book…

    Walk in the cold!

    While cold weather is often seen as a reason to not walk, in fact, it has numerous health benefits, the most exciting of which might be:

    Walking in the cold causes us to convert white and yellow fat into the healthier brown fat. If you didn’t know about this, neither did scientists until about 15 years ago.

    In fact, scientists didn’t even know that adult humans could even have brown adipose tissue! It was really quite groundbreaking.

    In case you missed it: The Changed Metabolic World with Human Brown Adipose Tissue: Therapeutic Visions

    Work while you walk!

    Obviously this is only appropriate for some kinds of work… but if in your life you have any kind of work that is chiefly thinking, a bunch of it can be done while walking.

    Open your phone’s note-taking app, lock the screen and pocket your phone, and think on some problem that you need to solve. Whenever you have an “aha” moment, take out your phone and make a quick note on the go.

    For that matter, if you have the money and space (or are fortunate to have an employer disposed towards facilitating such), you could even set up a treadmill desk… At worst, it wouldn’t harm your work (and it’ll be a LOT better than sitting for so long).

    Walk within an hour of waking!

    No, this doesn’t mean that if you don’t get out of the house within 60 minutes you say “Oh no, missed the window, guess it’s a day in today”

    But it does mean: in the evening, make preparations to head out first thing in the morning. Set out your clothes and appropriate footwear, find your flask to fill with the beverage of your choice in the morning and set that with them.

    Then, when morning arrives… do your morning necessaries (e.g. some manner of morning ablutions and perhaps a light breakfast), make that drink for your flask, and hit the road.

    Why? We’ll tell you a secret:

    You ever wondered why some people seem to be more able to keep a daylight-regulated circadian rhythm than others? It’s not just about smartphones and coffees…

    This study found that getting sunlight (not electric light, not artificial sunlight, but actual sunlight, from the sun, even if filtered through partial cloud) between 08:30—09:00 resulted in higher levels of a protein called PER2. PER2 is critical for setting circadian rhythms, improving metabolism, and fortifying blood vessels.

    Besides, on a more simplistic level, it’s also a wonderful and energizing start to a healthy and productive day!

    Read: Beneficial effects of daytime light exposure on daily rhythms, metabolic state and affect

    Don’t Forget…

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  • Nutrivore – by Dr. Sarah Ballantyne

    10almonds is reader-supported. We may, at no cost to you, receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article.

    The core idea of this book is that foods can be assigned a numerical value according to their total nutritional value, and that this number can be used to guide a person’s diet such that we will eat, in aggregate, a diet that is more nutritious. So far, so simple.

    What Dr. Ballantyne also does, besides explaining and illustrating this system (there are chapters explaining the calculation system, and appendices with values), is also going over what to consider important and what we can let slide, and what things we might need more of to address a wide assortment of potential health concerns. And yes, this is definitely a “positive diet” approach, i.e. it focuses on what to add in, not what to cut out.

    The premise of the “positive diet” approach is simple, by the way: if we get a full set of good nutrients, we will be satisfied and not crave unhealthy food.

    She also offers a lot of helpful “rules of thumb”, and provides a variety of cheat-sheets and suchlike to make things as easy as possible.

    There’s also a recipes section! Though, it’s not huge and it’s probably not necessary, but it’s just one more “she’s thinking of everything” element.

    Bottom line: if you’d like a single-volume “Bible of” nutrition-made-easy, this is a very usable tome.

    Click here to check out Nutrivore, and start filling up your diet!

    Don’t Forget…

    Did you arrive here from our newsletter? Don’t forget to return to the email to continue learning!

    Learn to Age Gracefully

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